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My Boyfriend Still Talks to His Ex-Wife

"I'm Upset That My Boyfriend Works With His Ex-Wife"

This week's confession comes from our anonymous Confession Booth group in the TrèsSugar Community. Weigh in with your advice below.

My boyfriend was with his ex for nine years. They got married, and within a few months, she broke up with him and moved to another continent. They had issues, but when I started dating him — just four months after she left — he told me they were on good terms. Ever since we started dating, we've taken things slowly because we both just came out of long-term relationships. Ten months later, we're very much in love, and everything's going great, except for this: I recently found out he's still working with his ex.

When we first started dating, he told me that he felt responsible for taking care of her and making sure she's OK because it was his fault that they broke up. She lives on another continent, but her lifestyle is far worse than it used to be when she was with him because she has a hard time finding a job. When they were together, she worked for his consulting agency, so I assume he's helping her out financially by sending her projects to work on.

Now I don't have a problem with this at all. That he's trying to help her. My problem is that he told me he'd be open about everything, then he didn't say a word about her for months. Every now and then, when I turn off his phone alarm, I see a text or email from her. It's been over four times this week, so now I'm getting annoyed because that's just too often. I'm afraid he's still too concerned with her, while she's not even his wife anymore! I feel like he's holding onto her in any way he can — which won't let our relationship progress. I'm not even sure what I find worse: the fact that they talk so often or the fact that he's trying to help her out with work. I haven't said anything to him yet because I don't want to be that jealous girlfriend, but I do believe I have something to say here.

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Bubbles12 Bubbles12 3 years
"When I said we're very much in love, I do feel and see that he is loving me as well." This is how it begins. We minimize pretty major issues because we're blinded by our emotions and hopes. I know you've seen friends and family do the same. Don't sweet this under the carpet. This is the time to find out how 'into you' he really is, and how well you two work out boundaries is a huge part of any future.
Bluebirdie Bluebirdie 3 years
Thanks for your words henna red! I don't think their relationship as a couple has gone global, but their friendship has definitely continued. I honestly don't mind that at all, it just has to be absolutely minimum, which it obviously isn't, which is bothering me a lot. The whole fact that he's been married before, they had it all until they broke up, and now I'm in the picture, makes me feel like I'm 2nd choice..It may be stupid to think so but that's how I feel. And as long as she is 'in the picture', I will still feel that way, especially since he's hiding it from me. I think you're right to say that now he needs to walk the talk, which he isn't doing in this situation. But the thing is, with everything else he's been doing so great. When I said we're very much in love, I do feel and see that he is loving me as well. The little things, the big things, he's been so amazing to me that this whole issue seems so minor to me to even mention. But yes, like you said, it's really starting to get on my nerves and he is noticing it in my behavior. He kept on asking if there's something wrong and he feels like somethings bothering me. I've had a few chances to tell him this whole thing but I'm so stupid not to say a word. I guess I just need to gather myself and talk with him about it. I appreciate your thoughts!
henna-red henna-red 3 years
You ARE that jealous girlfriend. But you have cause. And you've stated your concern very clearly and concisely here. Now it's time for you to do the same with him. It's almost never just one person who crashes a relationship....unless you're talking about a huge personality issue, a sociopath or psychopath who can totally hide their issue, or someone who completely changes their behavior, because of some triggering event....it wasn't just one person who exploded this. Sounds to me as though her actions are a very conscious bid for his continuing attention....and they're working quite successfully. It doesn't sound to me as though their relationship is over at all....it's just gone global. And you're an addition to his life, but not the exclusive partner you should be. I think you are completely correct to be ticked that he said one thing....that he would be completely transparent around her....and that he didn't walk his talk. This is a very serious issue....and you need to address this. If he is serious about you're "very much in love," then he needs to back up his words with actions. Some people break up and remain in each other's lives. Some don't. But there are boundaries, and it sounds as though the boundaries of his relationship with his ex are not respectful of his relationship with you. Ultimately, you need to pay attention to his actions. They are what is true. So sit him down and tell him your concerns. Point out the discrepency between words and deeds, and go from there. Communication is always the key. Don't let it simmer and bubble under the surface, always address your concerns. Always. best of luck to you
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