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Is My Boyfriend Too Good to Be True?

"Is He the One? Or Am I Caught Up in a Fantasy?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I met this guy three weeks ago and what can I say, he's a gentleman in every sense of the word. We've seen each other every weekend Friday-Sunday and go on great dates ranging from meeting for coffee, dinner, a movie, playing pool, dancing, or going to the park or the beach. When we meet, a one hour planned date can turn into two hours or even five hours. I truly enjoy his company and we have a lot in common when it comes to likes, dislikes, personality, dreams, and desires. We talk about everything and have been very open about our feelings. Besides holding hands, hugs, and the occasional little kiss, there has been no sex or heavy petting. There hasn't even been a conversation about sex. Honestly, I'm relieved. But is he too good to be true?

I like him a lot. I look forward to the next time I'll be seeing him, however I do feel overwhelmed emotionally at times. I think it's because I've been hurt in the past and don't want that to happen again. It's obvious that he likes me a lot and lately he's been bringing up the future. He said that he would like for us to become "we." Yesterday, we discussed our feelings on marriage vs. living together; although I've been married before, having two girls, I don't believe in living with someone outside of marriage. He had a bad divorce and knows other people who have had bad experiences, which makes him OK with living together without actually being married. He will get married again if that's the only way I would consider living with him in the future. The conversation was a wow moment for me, but what left me speechless came a little later in the conversation when I told him I can't believe that I'll be 40 next year. His response was that he hopes he can marry me by then. I'm interested in being exclusive with him, but because of my past experiences I'm very cautious. I want to take it slow and really get to know him. He is aware, he said he'll wait for me to be ready, but he wonders how long it will take for me to feel totally comfortable with him. Are things moving too fast? Is it possible to fall in love or to be falling in love that quickly? Am I just afraid?

When we are together, he is there with me wholeheartedly. When he wants to talk to me he always texts first and asks before calling. If he texts and I don't respond right away, he'll text me a couple more times and then ask for me to get in touch with him. He has to wake up 4:30 in the morning so I hardly ever call or text him after 9 p.m., leaving it open for him to contact me first if he's awake. As a matter of fact, it's usually him that does the initial text or call; however, the few times that I do call or text him first it can take up to 30 minutes for him to return a call or respond to a text. Sometimes, if I text late at night, I won't hear from him until he gets home from work the next evening. I've asked him why he texts more than calls and he says that he doesn't want to bother me if I'm busy. I told him I'll let him know if I'm busy. So now he calls, but he still always texts first. What bothers me is that he doesn't acknowledge missing my call or my text until the following evening, even when I leave a message saying that I have a question to ask. When we just met he told me he has very bad reception, and we've had issues with calls dropping and bad reception. Am I making too much of this? Am I just looking for a fault?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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scarlet722 scarlet722 3 years
well yes i do think you're making too much of the phone issue. you have to remind yourself, you've only known each other for a few weeks! so if you have a quick question, just text him. if he doesn't get back to you right away, don't worry about it. i do think it's bad to bring past hurt into new relationships. but 3 weeks is a little soon to say to someone you picture marrying them. so while it may be possible that you're afraid because you were hurt before, 3 weeks is way too soon to know if you love someone. sure it happens, but it's extremely rare. so do not let things move any faster than you're comfortable with. if he truly is a good guy, he will understand. not only do you have to worry about you, you have to worry about your children. so take things slow. if he is the right one, he will be willing to wait. you can't know someone well enough in 3 weeks to be sure you want to spend your life with them. you need to get to know him better. and like the other reply says, you need to listen to your gut feelings. if your gut is telling you something is off about him, don't ignore it. but there's no reason to be a pessimist just yet. i don't think either of you have gotten to know each other well enough yet. don't make any plans for the future, and just enjoy yourself. have the conversation about the future maybe 6 months from now. don't rush it.
cowgirl85 cowgirl85 3 years
You have answered all of your own questions. What you need to do is listen to your intuition because it has told you all you need to know. You have even written it all down. If you think he might be a fantasy the answer is, Yes he is. You think he might be lying to you and has something to hide. The answer is Yes, he does. You wonder why there is no real kissing or even sex. The answer is Yes something is not right. You think he might be too good to be true. The answer is Yes, he most certainly is.   I think it might not your past experiences that is holding you back but rather he is. Is it moving too fast, no it is moving too slow. He is not right for you at all and you have a very strong intuitive sense that something is off. What is his motivation and desires? You say he is a perfect gentleman but is that good? Well yes and no. Respecting you as a person is good but to not be HOT for you is not so good. Sex is the foundation of a relationship so even if you wait to have sex both of you want it now. there is entirely too much talk about a relationship at this early stage that just doesn't play right.   I'm sure you can find someone better for yourself. Just don't hold on to a fantasy and see what is really going on with someone. Good luck
bluejay17 bluejay17 3 years
I think everything is going great, but relationships are not perfect and you should bring up the things that bother you, for instance, the text messaging thing. You've only been with him for three weeks so there are things that he does not know about you. Talk to him, but most importantly, communicate. Take it slow and good luck
BiWife BiWife 3 years
I wouldn't sweat the slow responses to calls and texts, people have lives and can't always get to their phone at all times. Some people have jobs where they can't even have a cell phone on the premises for security purposes or just company policy. He does make the effort to contact you first all the time and I would think that would make up for any slow responses. It's definitely possible to fall in love quickly, I knew my hubby was the one by the end of our first month together and just made it a long engagement to be certain about the relationship before we tied the knot. Sometimes the love builds slowly, other times it hits you smack in the face when you meet someone, or it's somewhere in between. It can certainly be a scary thing, when you find something amazing you don't want to lose it or have it go bad. Love is about facing that fear and placing your trust in your partner(s).
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