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My Boyfriend Views Porn After We Fight

This post comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

I know that my boyfriend likes porn, he probably watches it at least once every couple of days. It doesn't bother me too much, I don't think that he has an addiction or anything like that and I don't feel that it negatively affects our intimacy.

The last couple of times that we had big fights, I found out that he watched porn afterward. One time, I caught him in the act and he was embarrassed. Today, he forgot to erase the browsing history like he normally does. I saw that he had watched it when I went out for coffee with a friend to talk about the fight I had with him. I am so angry and upset at him right now after our fight yesterday, I cannot even imagine being turned on right now.  When I caught him, he basically said that he felt so bad that he just wanted to feel good for awhile. I suspect that he is using the masturbation as a way to relax when he is tense or upset, but I find this behavior really gross and inappropriate when I am upset and angry and he is doing that! What the hell is wrong with him? Would you be grossed out if your boyfriend did that after a big fight?

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justanerd1975 justanerd1975 6 years
anonymous #32 is absolutely correct, and it doesn't take a genious to see the negative effects porn has had on society, both men and women- there are several studies that have exposed that a great majority of rapists and murderers of women have begun with pornography. Pornography is the devils playground. We don't see it as serious as it is, because it feeds a basic need of all people- it satisfies sexual impulses- but that satisfaction comes with a price to pay, whereas true intimacy created by God also satisfies sexually and does not come with a price to pay for the marriage. As always, take the easy and cheap way out, reap what you sew...
alliegarra alliegarra 6 years
Hmm..well, I wouldn't be offended that he is masturbating, per se. But clearly he is using masturbation as a way of dealing with stress/anxiety. Which, on it's face, is not a horrific thing..but he is not dealing with emotional and relationship issues; he is delaying them or not dealing with them at all. Porn is a real problem if it is an interruption to your relationship and intimacy. I would find it troubling if my partner were partaking in porn fantasies on a daily basis. I really don't understand the obsession with it and find it to be a bit on the immature side. But I really think it has to be an understanding between the people in the relationship. If it's a problem for you, then it's a problem for your relationship. No one can really tell you what you should or should not be offended by.I think some couple's therapy is in order. If you are sounding off with a friend and he is watching porn and masturbating after arguments, this is troubling.
alliegarra alliegarra 6 years
Hmm..well, I wouldn't be offended that he is masturbating, per se. But clearly he is using masturbation as a way of dealing with stress/anxiety. Which, on it's face, is not a horrific thing..but he is not dealing with emotional and relationship issues; he is delaying them or not dealing with them at all. Porn is a real problem if it is an interruption to your relationship and intimacy. I would find it troubling if my partner were partaking in porn fantasies on a daily basis. I really don't understand the obsession with it and find it to be a bit on the immature side. But I really think it has to be an understanding between the people in the relationship. If it's a problem for you, then it's a problem for your relationship. No one can really tell you what you should or should not be offended by. I think some couple's therapy is in order. If you are sounding off with a friend and he is watching porn and masturbating after arguments, this is troubling.
danakscully64 danakscully64 6 years
"there is just NO ROOM for fantasies about other people!! It has been proven time and time again to be seriously damaging to the relationship." Can you cite a source? I've always read the complete opposite.
danakscully64 danakscully64 6 years
"there is just NO ROOM for fantasies about other people!! It has been proven time and time again to be seriously damaging to the relationship."Can you cite a source? I've always read the complete opposite.
Allytta Allytta 6 years
Muirnea, i wasn't saying that she HAS to give to him anytime he wants. But we are individuals and we don't work as a couple, we work as two people in a relationship. If he wants a release and doesn't bug his GF about it right after a fight - isn't that easier on the relationship? They get time apart to cool down and come to understand how they still love each other very much. And after a certain type of fight you're just not attracted to your SO at that moment and maybe don't want to be affectionate with them for the time being. We always try and be so opinionated on all of this posts and everytime I read the responses a lot of women just assume the worst about the OP and their relationship, how many times have OPs been told that the guy is a jerk just based on a condensed post that they provided us with? Sorry, I'm just venting :)
MarissaH MarissaH 6 years
I think its far healthier to be fighting with your partner, at least youre both trying to communicate. Indiference is a bad sign for a relationship. All this advice from others is fine but you know your partner best- Does he think about your issues and attempt to work with you to solve/improve them? I like to have solutions to problems immediately but some people take a few days to mull things over.
danakscully64 danakscully64 6 years
It's funny I came across this article, I was watching a show last night on tv about sexual response (science-type show) and they discussed how studies suggest that 1 in 5 men and women find a stressful/tense situation arousing. They did a test where they hooked subjects up and showed them videos of happy movies (to boost mood), scary movies, and erotica. After the scary movies, some of the subjects aroused faster when erotica came on the screen. Very interesting. Maybe that explains why some couples, when they fight, can be yelling one minute and having sex the next.
Girl101 Girl101 6 years
I agree with several of the posters above. As long as he is not addicted to porn, so what? We watch porn together, I probably like it more than he does. As long as we come together for the actual physical contact. Heck, fantasies can be fun and can spice up the make-up sex. I also agree the real problem is not be told in the story which is a lack of communication, trust and respect. One, you are checking his browsing history. Two, he is hiding his browsing history. Seems to me you both have communication, trust and respect issues.
Girl101 Girl101 6 years
I agree with several of the posters above. As long as he is not addicted to porn, so what? We watch porn together, I probably like it more than he does. As long as we come together for the actual physical contact. Heck, fantasies can be fun and can spice up the make-up sex. I also agree the real problem is not be told in the story which is a lack of communication, trust and respect. One, you are checking his browsing history. Two, he is hiding his browsing history. Seems to me you both have communication, trust and respect issues.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 6 years
I wouldn't love it if my guy tuned me out and tuned porn in. I am not a big fan of pornography, for many reasons, one of which I think it is just stupid. All of these bleached blondes with huge implants and shaved snatches, complete caricatures of women, almost cartoonish...plus I find it pretty boring as well. I would personally prefer to see hot men on the big screen in films that I enjoy, with sexy loves scenes that are in the context of a real story. These obviously don't include the naked rabbit jumping into the hole or the money shots, but they don't need to in order to be sexy to me. I know most men are different than that, though....we just have to accept that not everything that turns them on visually is not always what does it for us women. Let's face it, guys get turned on by a tear in a mink jacket....as long as it is not used as a substitute for your relationship, I think it is just something we have to live with. Reminded me of a funny video...check out the song "Jizz In My Pants" on You-tube...it is hysterical!
jazzytummy jazzytummy 6 years
I wouldn't love it if my guy tuned me out and tuned porn in. I am not a big fan of pornography, for many reasons, one of which I think it is just stupid. All of these bleached blondes with huge implants and shaved snatches, complete caricatures of women, almost cartoonish...plus I find it pretty boring as well.I would personally prefer to see hot men on the big screen in films that I enjoy, with sexy loves scenes that are in the context of a real story. These obviously don't include the naked rabbit jumping into the hole or the money shots, but they don't need to in order to be sexy to me.I know most men are different than that, though....we just have to accept that not everything that turns them on visually is not always what does it for us women.Let's face it, guys get turned on by a tear in a mink jacket....as long as it is not used as a substitute for your relationship, I think it is just something we have to live with.Reminded me of a funny video...check out the song "Jizz In My Pants" on You-tube...it is hysterical!
Muirnea Muirnea 6 years
@staple salad: Sorry if I didn't express my thoughts clearly, but I mostly agree with you. I never said I have a problem with masturbation at all, just the porn part. And I realize most people prob. aren't thinking what I said...I was just referring to the specific comment I referenced and other people who say similar things.And yes, the guy isn't going to leave his gf/wife...he isn't going to get the girl pregnant...he's not going to get an STD from her...he's not going to form an emotional connection with her..."He's not going to do ANYTHING with her other than think "oh she's hot! dayum." If you read my post again, you will realize I already pointed out that I'm not talking about the physical part...I already stated that I was talking about the mental aspect. So basically, I already said that all that physical stuff you listed isn't my issue with porn...b/c you're right...how can it be an issue when the girl isn't really there? I agree with you. So again, my issue is with the mental part. I do disagree with you that guys are thinking about their own gf's when they watch porn. I really just don't think it gets even that complicated...I don't think they are thinking at all...the primal part of their brain is just seeing something sexy, so they get turned on...and that's it.So to explain my position better. I think a guy drooling over and masturbating to another woman that isn't his gf/wife/etc. is disrespectful to the relationship and his S.O. Since when is something only qualified as disrespectful if it can happen in real life??? An action can be disrespectful even if nothing is going to happen in the real world. I don't think any gf would feel comfortable and ok with a guy checking out a hot woman that just walked past down the street, so then why is it ok that he's checking out (and more of course) a hot woman on a t.v. screen. Please explain the difference to me. And I just pointed out that I don't think the possibility of experiences happening in real life is a difference, b/c once again, I'm talking about the mental part. I feel like humans should be evolved past the point of not being able to control our sexual urges like other animals. I think if you're in a relationship, you shouldn't bring other people into it...on t.v. or real life, out of respect for your S.O. and your relationship. Also, I feel like a way to see if you have a healthy relationship is to see if your guy is fine with you watching porn by yourself like he does. And I don't mean the kind of porn that he watches, which is made for him and other guys. I mean porn that is chock full of the hottest sexiest guys out there, getting women off...not the other way around, or porn where the guy is super sweet and it's sweet romantic sex if that's your thing, not hardcore weird positions with guys climaxing all freaking over the place. As soon as a guy is ok with that happening, I will be ok with that guy watching porn. B/c I think porn is a huge double standard that guys will lay down their life to defend b/c they like it so much (obviously)...but they are all hypocrites b/c they are never ok with a woman doing the same thing (watching porn she truly likes on her own). But I believe that will happen when pigs fly.
Muirnea Muirnea 6 years
@staple salad: Sorry if I didn't express my thoughts clearly, but I mostly agree with you. I never said I have a problem with masturbation at all, just the porn part. And I realize most people prob. aren't thinking what I said...I was just referring to the specific comment I referenced and other people who say similar things. And yes, the guy isn't going to leave his gf/wife...he isn't going to get the girl pregnant...he's not going to get an STD from her...he's not going to form an emotional connection with her..."He's not going to do ANYTHING with her other than think "oh she's hot! dayum." If you read my post again, you will realize I already pointed out that I'm not talking about the physical part...I already stated that I was talking about the mental aspect. So basically, I already said that all that physical stuff you listed isn't my issue with porn...b/c you're right...how can it be an issue when the girl isn't really there? I agree with you. So again, my issue is with the mental part. I do disagree with you that guys are thinking about their own gf's when they watch porn. I really just don't think it gets even that complicated...I don't think they are thinking at all...the primal part of their brain is just seeing something sexy, so they get turned on...and that's it. So to explain my position better. I think a guy drooling over and masturbating to another woman that isn't his gf/wife/etc. is disrespectful to the relationship and his S.O. Since when is something only qualified as disrespectful if it can happen in real life??? An action can be disrespectful even if nothing is going to happen in the real world. I don't think any gf would feel comfortable and ok with a guy checking out a hot woman that just walked past down the street, so then why is it ok that he's checking out (and more of course) a hot woman on a t.v. screen. Please explain the difference to me. And I just pointed out that I don't think the possibility of experiences happening in real life is a difference, b/c once again, I'm talking about the mental part. I feel like humans should be evolved past the point of not being able to control our sexual urges like other animals. I think if you're in a relationship, you shouldn't bring other people into it...on t.v. or real life, out of respect for your S.O. and your relationship. Also, I feel like a way to see if you have a healthy relationship is to see if your guy is fine with you watching porn by yourself like he does. And I don't mean the kind of porn that he watches, which is made for him and other guys. I mean porn that is chock full of the hottest sexiest guys out there, getting women off...not the other way around, or porn where the guy is super sweet and it's sweet romantic sex if that's your thing, not hardcore weird positions with guys climaxing all freaking over the place. As soon as a guy is ok with that happening, I will be ok with that guy watching porn. B/c I think porn is a huge double standard that guys will lay down their life to defend b/c they like it so much (obviously)...but they are all hypocrites b/c they are never ok with a woman doing the same thing (watching porn she truly likes on her own). But I believe that will happen when pigs fly.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 6 years
I think women make porn out to be something more serious than it really is. If something like 95% of guys watch it, is it really as horrifying as many women think it is? I mean, I didn't jump for joy when my boyfriends in the past looked at porn, but I didn't care either. That said, there are at least 2 things about porn that would upset me: 1) If it was affecting my sex life with my partner 2) If my partner were lying about it But those issues aren't porn specific. They involve being selfish and not meeting needs, and lying. I guess I just feel like we can spend our lives anguishing over things about men that we can't control, like their desire for visual stimulation and variety, or we can acknowledge it, accept it in healthy levels, and just move on and stop taking it so personally.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 6 years
I think women make porn out to be something more serious than it really is. If something like 95% of guys watch it, is it really as horrifying as many women think it is? I mean, I didn't jump for joy when my boyfriends in the past looked at porn, but I didn't care either. That said, there are at least 2 things about porn that would upset me:1) If it was affecting my sex life with my partner2) If my partner were lying about itBut those issues aren't porn specific. They involve being selfish and not meeting needs, and lying.I guess I just feel like we can spend our lives anguishing over things about men that we can't control, like their desire for visual stimulation and variety, or we can acknowledge it, accept it in healthy levels, and just move on and stop taking it so personally.
staple-salad staple-salad 6 years
@ Comment 32: Sex and intimacy don't go hand and hand all the time. Sometimes sex can be a great pain or stress relief and not needing another person there to get that relief can be a GOOD thing for a relationship (say one partner is REALLY horny and needs that energy to release so that they can continue on with their day, but the other partner is not in the mood or too busy, watching porn can help in a situation like this). As long as someone's not a porn addict or thinks that sex should be like porn, then I can't see a problem with watching it. Sometimes people want sex without intimacy as well (one-night stands, hook ups, porn, etc). It could even be argued that thanks to the way that reproduction works, males are probably going to seek that out a lot more than women (to "sew the seed" essentially), and it's better a guy do that with porn than cheat on a partner IMO (and yeah, girls do that too, but women, by our biology are more into the intimacy and emotional side of relationships).
staple-salad staple-salad 6 years
@ Comment 32: Sex and intimacy don't go hand and hand all the time. Sometimes sex can be a great pain or stress relief and not needing another person there to get that relief can be a GOOD thing for a relationship (say one partner is REALLY horny and needs that energy to release so that they can continue on with their day, but the other partner is not in the mood or too busy, watching porn can help in a situation like this). As long as someone's not a porn addict or thinks that sex should be like porn, then I can't see a problem with watching it.Sometimes people want sex without intimacy as well (one-night stands, hook ups, porn, etc). It could even be argued that thanks to the way that reproduction works, males are probably going to seek that out a lot more than women (to "sew the seed" essentially), and it's better a guy do that with porn than cheat on a partner IMO (and yeah, girls do that too, but women, by our biology are more into the intimacy and emotional side of relationships).
staple-salad staple-salad 6 years
@Muirnea: I don't think that's really what any "pro-porn" people are saying here. Why should a guy have to leave a woman he loves just because she can't be at his beck and call for sex all the time? If a man (or woman) gets horny when their partner isn't available or in the mood, what is he/she supposed to do? Masturbation is as natural a bodily function as pooping, and porn is mostly a means to an end for a lot of people (or for giggles because it's funny... at least, that's why I watch it). What IS the guy in this situation supposed to do if his girlfriend doesn't want sex? What's his girlfriend supposed to do if he doesn't want sex? Being REALLY horny can be painful, and masturbation can be calming and relaxing. I went a year with very little sex because my boyfriend was busy with homework all the time. I was a testy, anxious, crabby, horrible person to be around for that year because I didn't have a release (I have yet to figure out how my parts work), was that a "good" thing because I was waiting for my boyfriend to have time for sex? I wouldn't leave him over something like that because he's an amazing person and I'm madly in love with him regardless. And when it comes to him being "all over another girl": he's not going to leave his girlfriend/wife for her. He's not going to get her pregnant. He's not going to get an STD from her. He's not going to form an emotional connection to her. He's not going to do ANYTHING with her other than think "oh she's hot! dayum. My GF has a better and less diseased looking . Oh, look what they're doing there! I want to try it! Oh, think of how it would be with me and my girl doing that!" Or probably something to that effect (not being a guy, I don't know).
staple-salad staple-salad 6 years
@Muirnea: I don't think that's really what any "pro-porn" people are saying here.Why should a guy have to leave a woman he loves just because she can't be at his beck and call for sex all the time? If a man (or woman) gets horny when their partner isn't available or in the mood, what is he/she supposed to do? Masturbation is as natural a bodily function as pooping, and porn is mostly a means to an end for a lot of people (or for giggles because it's funny... at least, that's why I watch it). What IS the guy in this situation supposed to do if his girlfriend doesn't want sex? What's his girlfriend supposed to do if he doesn't want sex? Being REALLY horny can be painful, and masturbation can be calming and relaxing.I went a year with very little sex because my boyfriend was busy with homework all the time. I was a testy, anxious, crabby, horrible person to be around for that year because I didn't have a release (I have yet to figure out how my parts work), was that a "good" thing because I was waiting for my boyfriend to have time for sex? I wouldn't leave him over something like that because he's an amazing person and I'm madly in love with him regardless.And when it comes to him being "all over another girl": he's not going to leave his girlfriend/wife for her. He's not going to get her pregnant. He's not going to get an STD from her. He's not going to form an emotional connection to her. He's not going to do ANYTHING with her other than think "oh she's hot! dayum. My GF has a better and less diseased looking <part>. Oh, look what they're doing there! I want to try it! Oh, think of how it would be with me and my girl doing that!" Or probably something to that effect (not being a guy, I don't know).
Muirnea Muirnea 6 years
Also, I'm not trying to personally attack you here Allytta, because I'm sure a lot of people share your belief (you just happened to be the one that said it this time)...but I just don't understand when people say things like "obviously you won't have sex with him, so what's the guy to do?" I just don't understand how a girl not wanting to have sex gives the guy free rein to get what he wants, however he wants. If the dude has such a huge problem with not having enough sex, then he should dump his gf and get a new one that likes more sex...seriously. Just b/c a girl doesn't want sex for a while doesn't mean the guy can get it however he wants...geez, we're not cavemen anymore, I think he can handle a little time without sex. That comment basically says to me that girls are required to have sex with their guy whenever the guys wants it!!! And again, if the lack of sex is honestly making the guy unhappy, then he should get a NEW gf...not add on to his collection of women (virtual or real). I agree with meeshee. I just don't see the difference between a guy getting off to a real live woman or a real live woman on a computer or t.v. screen. Either way, he's getting off to someone other than his gf. So who cares about the physical part!? Mentally, he's all about, and all over that other girl. Weird. Just my personal opinion though.
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