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My Boyfriend Wants a Threesome

Group Therapy: My Boyfriend Wants a Threesome

This question comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

Recently my boyfriend told me that he wants to have a threesome with another woman. He said it's "just something he's always been curious about and has never done before." Personally, I have also been curious about this, however I don't like the idea of doing it with my boyfriend so much. When I was single, it was something that was on my mind, but now I'm not sure how I feel about it anymore because it's someone I care about as opposed to people I'm not in a relationship with. He is very serious about doing this and I don't know what to do. I tried putting it off by saying that neither of us really know any women who would be up for it —but he still brings it up and wants to start looking for someone together.

I'm really torn because it is something I would do, but I wouldn't want the woman to have him to herself in any way. I am not a jealous person and I know I am an attractive woman and am 100 percent confident in myself, yet I still feel like it might be a bad idea. He claims that all he wants is for him and I to have intercourse and for her to be there to watch or do things to me. Maybe the both of us give him oral. Or he wants to watch the two of us together.  But in the heat of the moment, I don't know what would happen. I do not want him to have sex with her and I have made this very clear to him. He says he wouldn't do that. But I'm nervous. He really wants to do this.

To see the rest of the dilemma,

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I feel pressured because I'm younger than him as well. I am 20, he is 26. He says that it's just a threesome and it's something he just wants to try. He is making it sound like it's not really a big deal, but to me it's more than just sex. I feel like he might not care about me the way I care about him. We have an amazing sex life, so I cant understand why he wants to do this so badly. I would really love to hear about anyone else's experiences in similar situations? I need advice badly.

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orangade98 orangade98 4 years
ive had that with my ex he keeps wanting to have a three some with another woman cause we havent been able to have sex since we met cause his wife died of cancer he didnt bother with any one else untill he met me and now kept on wanting a 3some every time we meet up he goese home and dont talk for days wks months because hes so embarressed that he cant get a hard on to make love to me and ive known him five years off and on and he recons a 3some would get it to work lol
ctbfalcon ctbfalcon 4 years
Let me try to explain from a guys point of view. we are both ~35 been married for almost 10 years. Recently my wife asked me not to watch porn anymore. I was watching girl/girl, 3somes and couples. Yes, its my fantasy to watch these things but that's were it stayed. We have played around with the idea in bed teasing each other with very kinky playful talk. So along with the kinky talk I like to introduce new toys, positions and 'acts' to keep it fresh. Our sex like was great, we do things in bed that we like or so i thought. We got into an argument after her request for me to stop watching porn. I come to find out that she is uncomfortable with most things I introduced into our sexlife. And that's part of the problem is I was always making suggestions and I may or may not get turned down. All I wanted to to keep it fresh. If we eliminated all of the things that made her uncomfortable we would be down to 3 positions and nothing else. So everything that I thought was giving her pleasure is now not! so mostly a complete lie. So now she is asking me to give up my fantasies and get nothing in return. on top of that most everything about our sexlife was a lie. In our argument we talked about doing things that we both liked and the subject of swinging came up. It came up because in the past we have gone to strip clubs and she had suggested to invite a dancer for a 3some. She would get lap dances from the same dancer , the dancer would play with her nipples and she would love it. She says that she was attracted to the dancer and we tried to make it happen but it didn't (the night we decided to do it the dancer was not working and didn't see her again) could she have been just trying to please me.... maybe. But she has also talked about having a MFM 3some, which I am open too. Matter of fact I would love it! So in our argument those ideas from the past were all shot down with her saying 'why am i not enough?' "I'm sorry im not enough for you" But its not like that. She is enough, its the freshness of the sex that is not enough. its the verity of the sex that is not enough. No one wants the same dinner to eat for the whole week. You want a verity of meals in a given week to make it interesting. I want to explorer sex with her and do things that make us both happy. so I am confused with the mixed signals. i'm confused with the demands and the unwillingness to compromise. I dont want to do anything that makes her uncomfortable (which doesn't leave much) but i also don't think its fair to ignore all my fantasies and to take anything I would like off the table (and consequently things i thought she would enjoy off the table) and to ask me to stop fulfilling my fantasies from watching said fantasies in porn. She says i have always been enough sexually and emotionally. And she doesn't need anything else. and I suppose i can believe her but the way she talks its like she will be ok with missionary, cowgirl and doggy-style for the rest of her life. i just can't see that working! So the point here is that you both should try to work towards a happy medium. i wouldn't have gone behind her back and tried to set something up like your bf did without asking first. But I can also see his point that maybe because she was from out of town it would have made it less troublesome. I hope i put this situation in a different light. would i love it if she would do new things including 3somes, yes. would it. Would I stop watching porn all together yes i would.
MomochaaXoxo MomochaaXoxo 4 years
I am sort of in the same situation also. My bf and I have been together 4 years . We are very committed and have great sex. We love trying new things and every once in a while he brings up the three some thing. I would do it, but like the girl on this post said, I will not let him have sex with the girl. I am also not a jealous person, but in this situation I feel like it would be pretty bad. So... I suggested we have a four some M-F-M-F so that it would be fair? Or maybe a three some MFM. He said it's different if it's another girl... Uhhh. I don't think so. And he said no to the foursome because there would be another man involved. Please someone tell me that this will not ever work unless we both agree on the same thing! There always going to be feelings of jealous ESP. If you are doing this with a person you care about. It's always going to be a fantasy.
henna-red henna-red 4 years
I totaly agree with jazzytummy.
EpicYonder EpicYonder 4 years
3 words for you girl DUMP.HIS.ASS.
estallio1 estallio1 4 years
Okay...so i just stumbled upon your post...literally you have described exactly the situation i am in right now. My boyfriend really wants to have a threesome, and i want to be open to the idea for his sake...but I really don't feel comfortable with it. I sort of already agreed to it some day maybe, but not because i really want it, i just know he does. I even read a conversation between him and one of his friends where they found a girl that was open to threesomes and foursomes and i just felt a little sick afterward. I really would love to try to be into this for him, but i just can't. Like you, if i were single and I was the other girl in the threesome, then maybe, but i'm just not comfortable with it in this context, but he keeps bringing it up! and i don't know what to say...idk, i guess it's just really nice to know i'm not the only one who's in this situation right now.
shamaz shamaz 4 years
gal u not a slave there fo u shudnt say yes to wateva crap yo bf wants u to do... N to e guy who said tht hes gf does wateva he wants thts her n not everyone is yo gf n does n likes wat yo gf does... N galz u knw men r neva satisfied he will still cheat even if u do wateva he says tz jus bull
SusieQ89 SusieQ89 4 years
Don't do it! I always swore I would have nothing to do with threesomes because I saw what happened to other couples. I got married and wow - our sex life was amazing! I was like never before with anyone else EVER. He started mentioning how his ex-wife would never have a threesome with him. Then the cajoling turned to whining accompanied by watching episodes of Real Sex and Swingers featuring multiple sex partners - VERY frequently. This would be followed by long "conversations" about how the people on TV did it all the time and why couldn't he do it too??!? Basically he wore me down. The first time was horrible - we were doing the dual fellatio and I was so furious and jealous and miserable...well...I might have bitten him a little. Ok, I did bite him. Not a lot mind you, just enough to express displeasure. So that episode was ruined. The next day though he swore he didn't want anymore and was thrilled I even tried. Then the "we already did it once but you ruined it so you owe me another one" routine started. Also, like someone mentioned above, the constant "hunt" was so awful. Anytime we would go out and were having a good time, suddenly the "what about her" conversation would start. At first, I could keep him excited by teasing about it and maybe flirting a little (ugh I hated that) but of course it progressed. Well to cut the story short we did it again and let me be very clear ONCE THE DOOR IS OPEN YOU CANNOT SHUT IT AGAIN. Men are generally not willing to go backwards sexually with you. Once they have convinced you to do something, they will expect it in the future. So, now it is 5 years since my first threesome. We are now divorced and I am heartbroken because I loved him like I have never loved anyone in my life. I really 100% believed that I would stay with him forever. So be very careful with this topic. I remember telling him that that "kind of thing" is best done with strangers or acquaintances and not in serious relationships because of the emotional impact they will have to at least one partner. I fully believe that only the rare exception can absolutely love their partner on the deepest level and be capable of watching them focused sexually on someone else. That is a misery unlike any other. I wanted to die in those moments. I know that the current trend seems to be more and more in that direction as it becomes more common. Threesomes are everywhere in movies and even TV now - the impression that your man has is that EVERYONE is doing it except for him. I have a horrible suspicion that those of us who realize how damaging they can be will really have a difficult time from here on out if threesomes continue to gain so much popularity. Good luck.
SusieQ89 SusieQ89 4 years
Don't do it! I always swore I would have nothing to do with threesomes because I saw what happened to other couples. I got married and wow - our sex life was amazing! I was like never before with anyone else EVER. He started mentioning how his ex-wife would never have a threesome with him. Then the cajoling turned to whining accompanied by watching episodes of Real Sex and Swingers featuring multiple sex partners - VERY frequently. This would be followed by long "conversations" about how the people on TV did it all the time and why couldn't he do it too??!? Basically he wore me down. The first time was horrible - we were doing the dual fellatio and I was so furious and jealous and miserable...well...I might have bitten him a little. Ok, I did bite him. Not a lot mind you, just enough to express displeasure. So that episode was ruined. The next day though he swore he didn't want anymore and was thrilled I even tried. Then the "we already did it once but you ruined it so you owe me another one" routine started. Also, like someone mentioned above, the constant "hunt" was so awful. Anytime we would go out and were having a good time, suddenly the "what about her" conversation would start. At first, I could keep him excited by teasing about it and maybe flirting a little (ugh I hated that) but of course it progressed. Well to cut the story short we did it again and let me be very clear ONCE THE DOOR IS OPEN YOU CANNOT SHUT IT AGAIN. Men are generally not willing to go backwards sexually with you. Once they have convinced you to do something, they will expect it in the future. So, now it is 5 years since my first threesome. We are now divorced and I am heartbroken because I loved him like I have never loved anyone in my life. I really 100% believed that I would stay with him forever.So be very careful with this topic. I remember telling him that that "kind of thing" is best done with strangers or acquaintances and not in serious relationships because of the emotional impact they will have to at least one partner. I fully believe that only the rare exception can absolutely love their partner on the deepest level and be capable of watching them focused sexually on someone else. That is a misery unlike any other. I wanted to die in those moments.I know that the current trend seems to be more and more in that direction as it becomes more common. Threesomes are everywhere in movies and even TV now - the impression that your man has is that EVERYONE is doing it except for him. I have a horrible suspicion that those of us who realize how damaging they can be will really have a difficult time from here on out if threesomes continue to gain so much popularity.Good luck.
WonderJewel WonderJewel 4 years
i say no don't do it cause why would any man want to see his woman with another woman knowing it would hurt her to see him with another woman or hurt him if she was with another man...and that shows she wasn't never enough for him and its given him the feel of something new.
got-a-body got-a-body 4 years
but they end up doing it with or without chu anyway i say give it a chance if he fuck up dats his lost any way neva was trustful from start you kno..
jazzytummy jazzytummy 4 years
Yeah, you sound like a real prize. Your girlfriend is one lucky chick.
dnkplmbr dnkplmbr 4 years
ok it kills me how little women know about us . us wanting a 3some has nothing to do with weather you are enough for us i dont care how awesome you are 2 women is different and exiting and there are just some things 2 girls can do that one cant facts are most women don't get it if you don't give us what we want in bed we end up wandering if you think he will be able to not fuck her you fooling yourself and you should not ask it of him HEY LADIES how about instead of all this you should be enough don't do it crap just one of you could have told her the truth ....the single most important thing you can do to keep your relationship happy and fresh is do all the stuff he wants in bed and do it happily with enthusiasm. that's right girl give him the butt kiss girls take a spanking beg act out roles but do it from a position of power and keep your dignity it will envoke loyalty like you have never seen what more could he want than what he gets at home CAUSE YOU DO ALL OF IT my girl does 3somes acts like a sex slave likes the butt rubs my back cooks for me blows me always says yes to sex even if she is sleeping and i am the most fiercely loyal man that ever was i love her dearly and will never leave
dnkplmbr dnkplmbr 4 years
ok it kills me how little women know about us . us wanting a 3some has nothing to do with weather you are enough for us i dont care how awesome you are 2 women is different and exiting and there are just some things 2 girls can do that one cantfacts are most women don't get it if you don't give us what we want in bed we end up wandering if you think he will be able to not fuck her you fooling yourself and you should not ask it of him HEY LADIES how about instead of all this you should be enough don't do it crap just one of you could have told her the truth ....the single most important thing you can do to keep your relationship happy and fresh is do all the stuff he wants in bed and do it happily with enthusiasm. that's right girl give him the butt kiss girls take a spanking beg act out roles but do it from a position of power and keep your dignity it will envoke loyalty like you have never seen what more could he want than what he gets at home CAUSE YOU DO ALL OF IT my girl does 3somes acts like a sex slave likes the butt rubs my back cooks for me blows me always says yes to sex even if she is sleeping and i am the most fiercely loyal man that ever was i love her dearly and will never leave
bubs980 bubs980 4 years
Im in the same situation! My bfs just asked me for a 3sum with another girl, An first i said no cos the thought of watching the guy u love shagging another women is just horrible. But then i knew how happy it would make him and am starting to reconsider. I know everything could go wrong. And after reading all the comments i really dont know what to do. He said it would be a one off an its just something hes always wanted to do. I just havnt got a clue now
Saphireflames Saphireflames 4 years
Hi there i just wanted to say i think you should sit down and tlk to your boyfriend about the way your feeling. A threesome may or may not ruin your relationship its what the two of you make of it and no one else. And if threesome were to say ruin what you guys have i also believe you not being open enough to talk to your boyfriend about the way you actually feel about your relatonship could accomplish the exact same thing. You need to have that open like of communication and trust, you should bring up your feelings and fears with him cause though this helps to get everyong else's feelings on the matter it doesnt achieve your knowing how you or your boyfriend feel about the matter. Talk to him!!!
HollyJRockNRoll HollyJRockNRoll 5 years
You NEED to talk to him about this. I really relate to what you are saying. When I met my boyfriend, this was something we use to talk about, but then when we got more involved I realized this was the LAST thing I wanted and that it would really mess up the chance of us being the couple we are today. I told him how I felt and he accepted it. In the end he said it was a fantasy but he was more than satisfied with his reality aka me. I think you should just tell him that you care about him and that is more important to you then living out some sexually fantasy. Also, you should discuss him talking to other girls about this. I think he's out of line!!!!!
anomis89 anomis89 5 years
Wow, thanks so much to everyone who has written here, I was seriously considering doing this in our marriage but luckily i stumbled upon this when trying to google what to do in a 3some for your man. Thankyou heaps now i have rethought it.
Lucy-Hush Lucy-Hush 6 years
Two things:Don't do anything you're not comfortable with. You will regret it and it will sit in your head and pick at your thoughts. The relationship will be over.On the other hand, if this relationship is going to be over regardless (due to his recent actions and/or that you just couldn't handle a threesome) - maybe you should just do it for your own purposes in fulfilling your curiosity and move on.
Lucy-Hush Lucy-Hush 6 years
Two things: Don't do anything you're not comfortable with. You will regret it and it will sit in your head and pick at your thoughts. The relationship will be over. On the other hand, if this relationship is going to be over regardless (due to his recent actions and/or that you just couldn't handle a threesome) - maybe you should just do it for your own purposes in fulfilling your curiosity and move on.
Ceraphym Ceraphym 6 years
Such a touchy subject in a relationship....I am currently going through this myself. My boyfriend of 4 years and I had a safe relationship. We gamed together (Warcraft, Aion) never went to bars, etc, just clean fun. Before I go further, he had a past with his exwife, as they would dabble in threesomes, other relationships and swung the last two years of their marriage, eventually ending their 10 year marriage. When I have not been able to game, he has played in a group, some of them women and they talk about sex all the time. I advised to be careful, as sometimes we know what other women think, and was assured, several times, that nothing was happening and it was just gaming. Needless to say, I received a call at work, advising that he found a third for our relationship, the girl who he was questing with. This ended our relationship for a few days, and we got back together. Now, the compromise of us getting back together, is for him to have a threesome, a girl of my picking, and we could be together. He wanted to end it as it was hurting me, but 4 years was a long time, giving everything I had to this relationship.If I wasn't trying to follow my faith and followed only wordly issues, this wouldn't be a problem. But I am struggling with this, and I know if I told him I cannot do this, he would say, I'm sorry but this is what I want. The answer for myself is obvious, and I am trying to find my strength to do what is right.My advice is this: if it makes you feel very bad, or sick to your stomach, do not proceed with it. Down the road, you will have had nothing but regret and resentment to not only him, but yourself. Never let someone take that from you! If he truly loves you, he would stop pressing the issue.I really hope things work(ed) out between the both of you. It seems that this is becoming the 'norm' of today's world, even though some of us still prefer monogamy.
Ceraphym Ceraphym 6 years
Such a touchy subject in a relationship....I am currently going through this myself. My boyfriend of 4 years and I had a safe relationship. We gamed together (Warcraft, Aion) never went to bars, etc, just clean fun. Before I go further, he had a past with his exwife, as they would dabble in threesomes, other relationships and swung the last two years of their marriage, eventually ending their 10 year marriage. When I have not been able to game, he has played in a group, some of them women and they talk about sex all the time. I advised to be careful, as sometimes we know what other women think, and was assured, several times, that nothing was happening and it was just gaming. Needless to say, I received a call at work, advising that he found a third for our relationship, the girl who he was questing with. This ended our relationship for a few days, and we got back together. Now, the compromise of us getting back together, is for him to have a threesome, a girl of my picking, and we could be together. He wanted to end it as it was hurting me, but 4 years was a long time, giving everything I had to this relationship. If I wasn't trying to follow my faith and followed only wordly issues, this wouldn't be a problem. But I am struggling with this, and I know if I told him I cannot do this, he would say, I'm sorry but this is what I want. The answer for myself is obvious, and I am trying to find my strength to do what is right. My advice is this: if it makes you feel very bad, or sick to your stomach, do not proceed with it. Down the road, you will have had nothing but regret and resentment to not only him, but yourself. Never let someone take that from you! If he truly loves you, he would stop pressing the issue. I really hope things work(ed) out between the both of you. It seems that this is becoming the 'norm' of today's world, even though some of us still prefer monogamy.
melaniek87 melaniek87 6 years
If you're not even bi-curious don't do it. This is really every guy's fantasy. I'm personally way too jealous of a person to share and it could really hurt you. My boyfriend even told me it was his as well, but I told him straight up, that is something I will never do. He understood completely and said that's fine because he'd never want to do anything I wouldn't enjoy. It's a respect thing, any guy who doesn't listen to your opinion and continues to push doesn't respect you obviously.
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