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My Fiance's Bachelor Party Is Going to Be at a Strip Club

"My Fiancé's Bachelor Party Is Going to Be at a Strip Club"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!


My fiancé and I have been together for two years, and we are getting married in July! We've been talking about bachelor parties for him and his friends really want to take him to a strip club. At first, we agreed that I would go with him since it makes me uncomfortable. I really do not want him to go, so I thought it would be a good idea for all of us to go together. He was OK with this for a day or two, until he brought it up to his friends. They immediately told him to stand up for himself, and now he says he's doesn't want me to come.

I tried to ask him if we could come to some sort of compromise — as in him getting one dance or none at all. I'm totally against him going, but I honestly trust him 100 percent. However, I know that it's the girls' job to shake their goodies in front of my fiancé and give him lap dances . . . I feel like the only girl's butt that should be on him is mine. I asked him to please just stick with one dance, but he said that he didn't know how many his friends would buy him. I have tried repeatedly to get past this, but I just can't seem to!

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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JoeBearPA JoeBearPA 3 years
Ok... it seems to me, the most IMPORTANT issue here is that your future husband, considers his friends influence (read opinions) more than his future wife's.  That is not a good start, and immature on his side.  He needs to get a little help straightening out his priorities.  You may even want to do some couples counseling before you actually marry him.  If railing against his friends, drives him into their "bosoms" instead of yours... that is not good, and for-tells some real sh** you will have to muck through when you tie the knot.  Wife, Children, Self, Immediate Family, Friends, in THAT order... otherwise you will ALWAYS have an issue with his priorities.  Don't marry him, until this is straightened out.  ...and if he won't head in the above direction of priority... find someone who WILL.  I have been dating since 14, and am 46... my parents have 60 years... and that is the pattern that makes a relationship that works.
subliminalseduction subliminalseduction 4 years
Well, I can see the respect issue, but I wouldn't be too uncomfortable with the idea of strippers... after all, those girls don't want to be touched and get their rocks off, they're there to make men look stupid and get some cash. It's better than him going to a real club where women actually want to touch him and put their butts on him for fun. However, it won't do you any good to rail against the friends, it makes the male bond stronger. Simply explain to him how you feel again and tell him you really aren't comfortable, it really upsets you that he won't even compromise regarding the number of dances and it makes you have second thoughts about how much he respects you. He should have some understanding that you aren't being unreasonable if you're willing to compromise, you aren't being a brat or being insecure, you get that they feel the need to bond, but is there some way they could do it without causing so much static in the relationship?
dashsuede dashsuede 4 years
If he doesn't respect you now... What other excuses will he come up with later?
Pazuzu Pazuzu 4 years
If he can have strippers he shouldn't have a problem with you having strippers. That'd be a problem to me. He also shouldn't have gone back on his word after you both agreed on it. Maybe hes trying to be macho for his friends, I don't know. But I think you do deserve to have fun and hang out with your girlfriends, don't let go of your life and happiness just to be a mom, you need to take care of yourself too. Get a sitter once in a while or ask him to stay home so you can go out.
SweetBlueRose SweetBlueRose 4 years
Yeah i told hm about the male strippers and he says o... really um they are out there really raunchy lol.. but i think the girls are going to line it up even though ill be laughing the whole time bc ill feel uncomfortable lol. . and the friends i had they are not any good lol i see that now. 2 1/2 yrs later ii thank hm for that haha... i actually did it more for haley than for him ! she deserves a wonderful life & thats what shes getting ! .she is my daughter now & all the sacrifices are for her !
kurniakasih kurniakasih 4 years
Oh no, sista', if he can have his strippers but you can't have yours? WTH? No no no. How about you just told him that you won't back down from having male strippers (that is if you want to have male strippers---Idk what your bachelorette), since he's not willing to compromise too (and his excuse is his friends) it's the same thing as he's doing, tell him that your friends have arranged it the moment he cancelled on the jack and jill plan. P.S. Please don't sacrifice your friendships just because of him, unless you really think you need to cut off some friends. And don't 'kill' your parties too completely, at least, once a month, you SHOULD be able to be out there with your gals. But if you're doing all those sacrificing out of your own volition, you can't quite blame him or expect him to do the same thing...
SweetBlueRose SweetBlueRose 4 years
actually it was going to be a jack n jill party & he agreed to it in the start, it would be all the guys and all the girls going out to the strip club and i told him id get some pretty girl to dance for him & then we was all going to come to our home and have a party , we was both excited about it.... its not like id be taggin along and it has nothing to do with trust i trust him 100% , see the thing is when we met he had a 6m old baby girl and her mother had cheated on them and walked out ,,, well i gave up my whole life changed everything for them ! i quit partying and became her mommy ! bc her mother never came around and she deserves a wonderful life ! she is now 3 & i wouldnt change my choice for the world,, we never go out and party with friends we feel we should be home with our girl & not have her at the sitters . so we both thought it would be fun to join our parties together .. then he pitched the idea to his friends that he barley ever sees bc they dont ever want to come over or they are too busy for him to go over there,, i tell him all the time to go to his buddies for awhile ..so its not about me tryng to stop him from doing anything!! he can do what he wants when he wants BUT he is disprespecting me by going back on what we agreed to ,, choosing his friends over me.. i have no girls i can go hang out with bc he doesnt like the friends i had when we started dating, lol now i dont blame him, .. oh and when i brought up a male stripper he got up set..So its ok for him but not ok for me.... and i dont care about porn either lol he has so many playboys ,, even above the toilet so he can "read" he says lol and i could careless... i know im the beautiful woman he has waited so long for & i am the one hes going to marry and be with for the rest of his life! this is NOT a trust issue this is about RESPECT ,,, & i would never even re think marrying him!!! he is my true love & i wont be THAT WOMAN that walks out on them!
Pazuzu Pazuzu 4 years
Yeah that girl definitely had problems. My boyfriend has gone to Vegas with friends and I didn't worry, he goes out without me, he drinks with his friends. I personally have an issue with strip clubs, and he respects that and doesn't (to the best of my knowledge) go. I go out without him, and he doesn't worry. But he would be upset if I paid a guy to rub his penis on me and hump me and id be upset if he paid to have a girl rub her boobs in face. Id never stop my boyfriend from doing something, but id let him know how it made me feel.
terbear terbear 4 years
Really?? I think life will be full of shock and disappointment if you don't expect to be in situations that make you 'uncomfortable'. If it isn't this bachelor party, it'll be his friend's bachelor party, or a guy's trip, or somethinig else. What are you going to do? Stop him from... everything?? Anyway, I shouldn't judge based on a few paragraphs or jump to any conclusions. But I wrote what I did because I had a male friend who's fiance forced him to let her go to his bachelor party. I'm sure you can imagine how that went over with the boys. This girl was extremely insecure and controlling and started cutting him out of everyone's lives or he was only allowed to go somewhere if she was there too. This wasn't about 'respect' or 'feeling comfortable'... we're not sure what the heck that was all about! They'd get into fights in public and just embarrass themselves. It was awful. He became unhappy and isolated. But they are currently separated. Anyway, my point is that I automatically associated you with that girl... which, I admit, I should not have. So if this is a one-time thing where you've never stopped him from going out with his friends, then I can see how catchthat has a (somewhat overly idealized) point. If this is a consistent request of yours... then... stop being that girl. No one likes that girl.
Pazuzu Pazuzu 4 years
I know this is old but I have to give props to catchthat. I think you summed everything up perfectly. This isn't a trust issue its a respect issue. If you feel uncomfortable with his action you have the right to tell him without feeling guilty. We all have insecurities and it is something we should work on but I don't think that's neccessarily the driving force behind your feelings. Ive told my boyfriend I'm uncomfortable with strip clubs. I don't care about porn but having a girl physically touching and rubbing on you bothers me. I'm happy to do that for you so you shouldn't feel the need to get it somewhere else. I don't think he would ever cheat on me, I trust him 100% but I don't like strip clubs. But I also know I cant control him, but I feel he should take my feelings into consideration before deciding. I wouldn't do anything sexual that made him feel uncomfortable. And yes, hes uncomfortable with me getting male strippers so I wouldn't do it. Anyway you need communication.
catchthat catchthat 4 years
My goodness, I stumbled onto this site while looking for good ideas for my songs for my wedding playlist, never thought I'd read this whole thing...or the 1 comment posted in response. I have to respond to make sure it's known....you are NOT a buzzkill, you are NOT "that" girl and this isn't just some trust thing. I'm a guy, 26, about to get married next month. I can't imagine being a fiance, who knows the person I love is very uncomfortable with me doing something, and doing it anyway. I'm sorry, regardless of what this guys friends are telling him or what terbear posts... it's messed up. I'm thinking a girl who is about to marry someone should feel cherished and special, and vice versa. I feel 100% this is far more about respect that trust. I have a job where I see everyday how screwed up our culture is and the crap it causes. I feel this whole situation is a reflection of it. This isn't a girl with trust issues or anything like that. It's about someone who is saying "yeah, I'm glad we'll be married...but first I want to "live it up" and I have to have naked girls all over me to do so, uhhhhh sorry that makes you feel uncomfortable." Point is, if it feels wrong or makes you uncomfortable....it would be nice if you don't have to feel bad or like a buzzkill for expressing that. And it'd a pretty good sign of a healthy marriage to come if it respected. I would have a pretty good talk about this with you guy. He's marrying you, hopefully for the rest of your lives. Not his friends.
terbear terbear 4 years
You were trying to go to his bachelor party w him and his friends?? No wonder his friends shut that idea down. Don't be THAT girl. Everyone knows one of those girls... you would be a buzzkill and no one would have any fun if you were there. Don't you think it would be so awkward if the roles were reversed and he came along with you and your friends to your bachelorette party?? if you trust him 100 % then let him go and have fun with his friends. What exactly is making you so nervous about this? A bachelor party is just a fun party where guys go and have one last fun hurrah. Maybe I'm very naive... but if you really trust your fiance then you have nothing to worry about. If you're still nervous about this then maybe you have some other underlying issues either with the relationship or with yourself (insecurities?). Just don't be THAT girl. The insecure / jealous one who never lets her boyfriend go out unless she's there. Because like I said, everyone knows one of those girls... and nobody likes that girl. If he's given you a reason to be that girl then maybe you should ask yourself if you really want to marry him. If he hasn't, then you should trust him and let him go and have his fun. Focus on planning your fun bachelorette party instead and don't waste your time being stressed out! This is supposed to be fun, right? :) Good luck!
henna-red henna-red 4 years
:)
SweetBlueRose SweetBlueRose 4 years
Thank you all so much for all the comments !! i tthink we are coming to a understanding finally !!! thank you all so much this has helped me alot !!
lexib1994 lexib1994 4 years
Hey, you might as well fight fire with fire and go to a male strip club with your friends- see how he likes it!
kurniakasih kurniakasih 4 years
The guys already give good suggestions and comments. But another point, what if your bf is just using his friends as an excuse because he does want that bachelor party experience? Or perhaps he does want to experience going to see a stripper, but of course, he's not dumb enough to admit that to you. The way you write about him and how you try to limit the dance he receives and etc--makes me think that you won't be too pleased if he's honest with you and tells you that he does want that type of 'traditional' bachelor party--To enjoy his last night of 'singledom' by surrounding himself with half-naked women and just being loud and rowdy basically. Like others say, you may not like it, but you can't control what he wants to do and what he's going to do. He may even think it's worth it to endure your possible 'wrath' if he does enjoy himself too much or have many lapdances. My other suggestion is you guys can meet up after his strip club party, say, he and the boys go there at 9 or 10 then you either meet up at 11 or 12 and have a huge jack 'n jill party or something. This way, you may feel more at ease? And while they're out having fun, you guys go have fun too, and tell whomever throwing you the bachelorette party that you guys plan a jack and jill afterward (so she can plan accordingly). Good luck.
Pazuzu Pazuzu 4 years
Id have a problem with him sideing with his friends over me. I feel that if you tell your partner you're uncomfortable with something sexual like that then they should back off. They should consider your feelings, even if they think you're overreacting. Personally I don't like bachelor parties and ive talked to my boyfriend about it an we decided to not have any. It seems like hes made up his mind, your option is to either make a deal about it, tell him you're really uncomfortable with it, or just let him go and try not worry. If hes having a party you should have one too. Do something fun, get male strippers or whatever.
luckyduckyy luckyduckyy 4 years
I think I'd be upset only because the two of you had an agreement, and he reneged on that agreement after his friends found out. He's bending to the whim of his friends, which is a pretty bad thing. It's peer pressure and all that; he's not thinking for himself. In the end, the decision is up to him. If he really wants to go, then he'll go. However, it seems like he only wants to go to keep up appearances with his friends. You know, the appearance of a macho man, not tied down, calls the shots, blahblahblah. What you should say to him, in a calm and level-headed manner, is this: "Honey, I know you're a grown man and you can make decisions for yourself. If going to a strip club, and having strippers grind their ass on you will make you happy, then fine. Go for it. But I'm letting you know right now, as I have in the past, that I will be very unhappy with it. So you need to think about that before you decide what you're going to do. In the end, you have to decide which is more important: not upsetting your friends by not going to a strip club, or upsetting me by going to a strip club." It's not an ultimatum, and it's not pushy or controlling. It's only laying all the cards out on the table. Although your demands in the post seem a bit unfair, he is in the wrong because he first agreed to them, and them changed his mind for a bad reason. Also, I once read a funny post about a woman similar to yourself. In it, the woman complained about her fiancee wanting to go to a strip club for his bachelor party. She said she didn't want him to go. He said he was going no matter what. So then she said that if he goes to a strip club to watch naked girls dance for him, then she's going to go to a strip club on "amateur night" and dance naked for other men. He thought that was a reasonable way of putting it (of why she didn't want him to go). The reasoning was that most women don't like their men looking at other women; however, most men don't like their women being looked at by other men. Then, he was able to relate to those negative feelings she was having about him going to a strip club. He decided not to go. It's a funny story. I don't know if it'll help you, though :P
missmaryb missmaryb 4 years
I personally don't see a stripper at a bachelor party as any big thing, but my personal opinion isn't really the issue. You don't like it, you can't help it. You both need to come up with a solution you can live with. It might be what you suggested, go and only get one dance, or make it a Jack and Jill party and everyone goes to the club, whatever. Bottom line is that it needs to be handled in a way that you can both live with. Good luck.
SweetBlueRose SweetBlueRose 4 years
i want him to go have a good time,, hes not a poor guy HAHA he can do about anything he wants , but this subject really gets to me ! . . he should care about how i feel about it & try to meet in the middle somewhere.. right?..
SweetBlueRose SweetBlueRose 4 years
well i am 23 and he his 26 we met 2 1/2 yrs ago and he had a baby girl from another relastionship which we now have full coustody of and we have lived together for 2 yrs ,,, i dropped everything in my life for them and i love every day of it ! She is my daughter and he is the love of my life id never ever leave and he knows it,he went to a bach party last year and didnt get home till 4am and told me he wouldnt go again...well here he is standing his ground about going.... i just wish he could level with me .. u know like one dance is good enough for me.. lol.. i know he loves me so much and hes not gonna have sex with them or anything like that i have been cheated on in my past and it just makes me sick that another woman will be grinding on my fiance .,.
lcrox07 lcrox07 4 years
Girl! He's gonna MARRY YOU! Let him enjoy one night. You are both human beings and have no ownership of one another. You should be having fun too. It is the strippers job to do this like you said. NO feelings are involved what so ever. It's not like he's gonna have sex with her, or even kiss her. You should also NOT do this together. Let the poor guy have fun that night, and you should stick to a girls night out as well.
henna-red henna-red 4 years
If you trust him 100 % then you're going to have to trust him. You've let him know how you feel, and what makes you uncomfortable. But if he's going, he's going. It's part of marriage, your partner won't always agree with you, and won't always meet you half way. The two of you sound pretty young to me. I'd say learning how to negotiate these kinds of situations is part of relationship building. That whole "well the guys said...." and you're figuring he shouldn't do what makes you uncomfortable says to me that you guys are taking on this commitment pretty early in your lives. It sounds as though you've tried to negotiate, and then the boys spoke up. I think 2 things. One, you should trust him to not overstep, even if you don't trust the guys. It sounds to me as though he's more interested in spending time with his guys than with a stripper, so don't stress it so much. Two, you may want to remind him that he's going to be living and loving with you, not with the guys, so the negotiation needs to between the two of you, not you, him, and the guys. He needs his time with his friends, but they should have no place in issues that are between the two of you. Remember also, when you two have a disagreement, he's going to take it to his friends, to help him figure things out. Do you have a best friend who hears everything too? Ultimately, you can't force him to not do the party. Some people are really into this, some aren't. Sounds like his friends are more into it than he is. I wouldn't worry about it too much, you don't want to carry it over into your wedding day. Let it be what it'll be, and have a great wedding, and a great marriage! It's only one night. :) good luck
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