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I'm 24 and Engaged, and No, I'm Not Too Young to Get Married

My Fiance Is Pulling Away

Group Therapy: Engaged . . . and Then He Pulled Away

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

Hey guys . . . need your help. I am 39, he is 42. We got engaged after 2 1/2 years. He is a bachelor at heart, so I had just mentioned that I would be moving on if things didn't progress. So he went to NY, got a ring (beautiful, I must say) made just for me. We got engaged x-mas eve.

Since that time he has pulled me away from me. The sex has now become almost nonexistent. He didn't seem happy about making wedding plans, though he did tell me to go ahead and do it. Finally in June I asked him if he was excited about the wedding. His response, "not really, no." And thus began a horribly awful time for me. We have been seeing the deacon at the church for pre-cana. And we have a wedding date. But he has not made any effort to look for a house, or frankly, spend any decent amount of time with me. We live apart, and honestly, never did really see each other too often to begin with. But at least he would spend at least one night a week with me.

And now sex . . . what sex? His interest in me has gone. He says it's the stress of it all. He's "on the fence" about kids, and he knows that with my age and all that I would want to try soon after we were married. My weight has gone up by maybe 5-7 pounds, but that's it.

Truly, he gave me a ring and now has pulled away. I know he's scared, and that I represent a huge life change, but really, automatic loss of sexual interest. I have taken my ring off, though I have not returned it yet. He has mentioned that he felt a bit pressured to give it to me, so I took it off and said he could put it on when and if he really meant it. Funny thing is, when he gave it to me it didn't seem like he was unhappy one bit. Gave me a beautiful card and signed it "your future husband."

What do I do guys, just let him go? Is this just all passive aggressiveness?

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Khailyn Khailyn 4 years
You already answered your own questions. You said he's a bachelor at heart, you never saw each other often to begin with, he TOLD you he felt pressured to give you the ring, he's on the fence about kids but you definitely want some. Girlfriend, what more do you need? A handwritten note from Jesus? The man does not want to get married. You have two options..accept it and continue the relationship as it has been or walk away (and yes, I know that would be painful). To continue on with this and get married, in my opinion, could be disastrous for both of you. Are you truly in love with this man (considering you say you never spent much time together) or are you in love with the idea of being in love and married?
jenjen82 jenjen82 4 years
A man should be over the moon to marry the love of his life. I'm sorry but he does not sound like he wants to get married. He may love you, hence trying to make you happy with the ring, but not ready to get married or have kids. You don't want to go through with this, argue about having kids, and deal with you guys being disgruntled at each other until the empending divorce. If it were me and I were at the age you are and wanted kids I would move on quick. Maybe freeze a few eggs if you have the funds just in case. You should be able to find a man in his 40's that would be more than ready to settle down with an amazing woman and start a family! Good Luck!
jenjen82 jenjen82 4 years
A man should be over the moon to marry the love of his life. I'm sorry but he does not sound like he wants to get married. He may love you, hence trying to make you happy with the ring, but not ready to get married or have kids. You don't want to go through with this, argue about having kids, and deal with you guys being disgruntled at each other until the empending divorce.If it were me and I were at the age you are and wanted kids I would move on quick. Maybe freeze a few eggs if you have the funds just in case. You should be able to find a man in his 40's that would be more than ready to settle down with an amazing woman and start a family!Good Luck!
pink-elephant pink-elephant 4 years
He's 42? I think this particular guy has had too much of a taste for his own independance to want to tie down any time soon, He is displaying all the signs of someone who clearly is having commitment issues and is even pulling away from you. Ask yourself if you really want to marry a guy who says he felt "pressured" to propose to you. He knew you wanted to get married, he didn't want to lose you, but now he most likely is terrified because it means he'll have to actually care for, share space with, and be responsible for someone other than himself. My advice: be upfront and tell him how his behavior makes you feel. If he still dreads marriage, sad story, he never will want to. Make a decision if you want to stay in this dead-end relationship or to take a walk and find someone who is up for the challenge!
pink-elephant pink-elephant 4 years
He's 42? I think this particular guy has had too much of a taste for his own independance to want to tie down any time soon, He is displaying all the signs of someone who clearly is having commitment issues and is even pulling away from you.Ask yourself if you really want to marry a guy who says he felt "pressured" to propose to you. He knew you wanted to get married, he didn't want to lose you, but now he most likely is terrified because it means he'll have to actually care for, share space with, and be responsible for someone other than himself. My advice: be upfront and tell him how his behavior makes you feel. If he still dreads marriage, sad story, he never will want to. Make a decision if you want to stay in this dead-end relationship or to take a walk and find someone who is up for the challenge!
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 4 years
I saw this happen with a friend of mine. She also wanted kids, but things really went downhill when they started trying. Long, complex and sad story short, she is now divorced and has come to a point where she accepts that her life is not going to look the way she hoped it would :( I tell you this because I hope that you step away now and try to find a life that will be fulfilling and happy for you, rather than wasting more time on a guy who isn't sure.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 4 years
I saw this happen with a friend of mine. She also wanted kids, but things really went downhill when they started trying. Long, complex and sad story short, she is now divorced and has come to a point where she accepts that her life is not going to look the way she hoped it would :( I tell you this because I hope that you step away now and try to find a life that will be fulfilling and happy for you, rather than wasting more time on a guy who isn't sure.
Vanonymous Vanonymous 4 years
Sorry, but I think you need to walk away from this one... or be willing to go back to how things were before. If you lived separately and only saw each other once a week, then marriage is going to be a HUGE change for both of you. You could try easing into it. Maybe live together first and then marry, or at least see each other more frequently. But I would definitely put the wedding on hold. I'm really sorry for what you're going through!
jazzytummy jazzytummy 4 years
I remember watching a TV interview with Richard Gere many years ago, and it was not long after he split from Cindy Crawford. Apparently they are very different in personality and beliefs, and he was asked why he proposed, and he basically said, " She wanted to get married and I didn't want to lose her". Now of course he has been with another woman happily for years and has at least one kid with her. Point of the story, he felt pressured and he basically caved, even though he wasn't sure it was right. Agree with everyone...he doesn't really want to marry you. Please don't waste anymore or your time, especially if you want children.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 4 years
I remember watching a TV interview with Richard Gere many years ago, and it was not long after he split from Cindy Crawford. Apparently they are very different in personality and beliefs, and he was asked why he proposed, and he basically said, " She wanted to get married and I didn't want to lose her". Now of course he has been with another woman happily for years and has at least one kid with her.Point of the story, he felt pressured and he basically caved, even though he wasn't sure it was right. Agree with everyone...he doesn't really want to marry you. Please don't waste anymore or your time, especially if you want children.
Life-Is-Never-Enough Life-Is-Never-Enough 4 years
agreed with everyone above. I am sorry that is happening to you. Think serious before you grave in with remorse marrying him, ending up in divorce, and probably ending up as a mother of two. marry the guy has the same dream as yours.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 4 years
I agree with Courvalant and Raynne. Don't try to marry a guy who is truly a bachelor at heart. Date him. Have fun with him. That is all he can do for you. His stuff has nothing to do with you. This man can't be a good husband to ANY woman unless he decides he wants to be a married guy at heart. That's something that happens internally deep within him. No ring can make it happen. He knows you want to be married. And he knew the ring would make you happy. That's why he bought it. He wants to make you happy, which is what bachelors do. It's just...he doesn't want to be married to you. That is something that by definition, bachelors can't do. You want a guy who will be absolutely thrilled to go down the aisle with you, without any pressure necessary. Go out and find that guy.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 4 years
I agree with Courvalant and Raynne. Don't try to marry a guy who is truly a bachelor at heart. Date him. Have fun with him. That is all he can do for you. His stuff has nothing to do with you. This man can't be a good husband to ANY woman unless he decides he wants to be a married guy at heart. That's something that happens internally deep within him. No ring can make it happen.He knows you want to be married. And he knew the ring would make you happy. That's why he bought it. He wants to make you happy, which is what bachelors do. It's just...he doesn't want to be married to you. That is something that by definition, bachelors can't do.You want a guy who will be absolutely thrilled to go down the aisle with you, without any pressure necessary. Go out and find that guy.
Raynne413 Raynne413 4 years
He gave you the ring because you pressured him into it. While he doesn't seem to be ready for marriage, he didn't want to lose you either. Therefore, he had no choice but the ring. You need to have a serious talk with him because the way things are going, if you continue on with the marriage and he keeps this same attitude, you will be divorced in no time.
yumchums yumchums 4 years
He is just nervous, just a resistance to change. He thinks things will change when you married and he will loose his freedom. He is just afraid of the unknown. Nervousness is pretty normal when you get married, but pulling away like this?? You need to talk to him, tell him that you love him and you guys has been together for a very long time marriage is just way of formalising things other than that there is nothing gonna change. Yes you will have to pull together when it comes to matters of the house, kids and so forth. Talk to him, rather than asking if he not excited about the wedding or not, of course he is but just don't know what it brings for him since he's been a bachelor all his life.
icbisai icbisai 4 years
I know...but what was he looking for? Why even give me the ring in the first place?
somekindofmagic somekindofmagic 4 years
I'm sorry, darling, but every sign points to he isn't willing to give up his freedom and it won't change for you. It's time you take off the ring for good and tell him that he can walk if he doesn't want to be part of your world. Unless you're content being treated with such a lack of enthusiasm. You will find someone who will want marriage and kids. But better start now then waste years on a guy who just will never give in. The thing about men like him, and I hate to say it, but it's usually not commitment phobia. A guy who dislikes commitment usually ends up getting married and you sit there going "why wasn't I good enough?" when it had nothing to do with you. He was just looking for something.
somekindofmagic somekindofmagic 4 years
I'm sorry, darling, but every sign points to he isn't willing to give up his freedom and it won't change for you. It's time you take off the ring for good and tell him that he can walk if he doesn't want to be part of your world. Unless you're content being treated with such a lack of enthusiasm. You will find someone who will want marriage and kids. But better start now then waste years on a guy who just will never give in.The thing about men like him, and I hate to say it, but it's usually not commitment phobia. A guy who dislikes commitment usually ends up getting married and you sit there going "why wasn't I good enough?" when it had nothing to do with you. He was just looking for something.
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