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My Friend Keeps Making Excuses

"She Keeps Making Excuses About Being Busy — Is Our Friendship Over?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

Over the summer I started to hang out with a girl I've known since middle school, but I'd never really gotten to know her. We became really close and would tell each other everything. During the last month or so, though, that all changed. I would always ask her if she wanted to hang out and she would give me the excuse that she had homework. I can understand that because college does take up a lot of time, but when we had our winter break, I expected that we would go out more. Wrong. I asked her four or more times if she wanted to go out, but she would give excuses or say that she was busy with her boyfriend or babysitting or whatever. She calls herself my best friend, but best friends don't treat each other like that.

There's the saying that if something's important to you, you'll find the time — if not, you'll find an excuse. So I feel like I'm not an important part of her life anymore. The last time I contacted her, I told her that I felt like she didn't want to talk to me anymore. She said she did, but she was very busy, and then she said that when she asks me to hang out, I'm busy at the gym. Since then, we haven't contacted each other. If I don't start the conversation, she won't. I'm waiting to see if she contacts me, but nothing yet. It does hurt me because I thought we'd become very close. What should I do?

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henna-red henna-red 3 years
You're not a dummy five7. You met someone, who did everything that friends do, right up until she stopped. That doesn't make you dumb, it makes her shallow. What happened to you with her hurts. It always hurts when someone takes advantage of us. We all meet people like her. And we all, at some time, have to overcome the same kind of disappointment that you are feeling now. And sure, meeting new people and making a connection and developing new friendships can be hard. Particularly when you feel solitary. I feel for your frustration, I've been there. Listen girl, no one is happy all of the time. Or almost no one. The point of things like happiness, (and peace, or joy, or love....) is that they are not neccessarilly things we "find". They are things we do. Things we choose. And they are work. Read mrVinny's response on Choosing Happiness....he calls it functional happiness. Basically, you choose your behavior. You choose your life. You choose how you respond to what happens in your life. You can choose to dwell on someone who's dissappointed you, you can choose to dwell on things over which you have no control, or you can choose to focus on things that will make you happy. You can choose to work at the things that will make you happy. If you aren't finding the companionship you want in the places where you are now looking, then look somewhere else. And I don't really understand why you can't choose to try to spend a little more time with someone you met at salsa club. If that is limited, is it you who is limiting it? Is it the other person? Why do you assume that you can't hang out with either of those people? Have you tried to persue something? Or are you just assuming that you only play with salsa club people at salsa club? I belong to a garden club, and a lot of the people in my club are people I play with at other times also. Some of them are people I've grown up with, and some grown older with. Just because you have met someone in a "club" environment, doesn't mean that is the only environment you can interact in with them. I mean, we meet all of our friends somewhere....in a class, at church, doing community theratre, at work....and we go from there. If you feel like you're wasting your youth, then it's up to you to make some new choices. You are the only one who can change your life. There aren't any majical answers, and sometimes there aren't any easy answers. Sometimes making new friends is dependent on building new social skills. I know I came out of high school with some very limited social skills, and have been working on building my friendship skills for the last 30 years. That's what life is....learning new skills, by taking risks, putting ourselves into new environments, and learning new things.
five7 five7 3 years
* I meant Henna. So sorry auto correct on phone.
five7 five7 3 years
Thanks again Helen. About the internet thing I think I would rather just try it in person. I was contemplating getting a Facebook but the people I would talk to there are pure acceptances and I find it a waste of time. I do like the people I met at the salsa club, but what I'm looking for are friends that I can hang out with on weekends and built a strong connection with. It's harder than I thought. Oh and I feel somewhat better. That person that I though I wouldn't see again I got to see again and exchanged numbers. But, I was really surprised at what he told me. We were talking about happiness and stuff. And all he told me was true. That one has to be happy no matter what because its our own choice. I would like that but its so HARD. Dummy me is still thinking of my friend that I talked about above. I thought I really did find a good friend. I guess I just want answers and I guess closure to whatever may be. School stared already and I'm ganna do my best to meet new people. I just get really frustrated and upset that I don't have anyone that I can really hang out with on weekends and stuff I feel like I'm wAsting my youth. I'm 21 by the ganna be 22 in April.
henna-red henna-red 3 years
It makes sense. You haven't found your tribe yet. Sometimes, finding, or building that group of people with whom you always feel comfortable, takes some time, and sort of a trial and error sticking your toe into several ponds kind of thing. That's how it was for me, for years. And not so much because people didn't accept or enjoy my company, but more because I had no social confidence. I grew up in an abusive household, and was so busy protecting myself, that I didn't learn a lot of the basic friendship and social skills. It took me a lot of time, a lot of years to learn the skills, and more importantly, the confidence to join a group, or to meet an individual and make and persue a connection.....and to do it in an appropriate, acceptable manner. I had a serious tendency to obsessively attach myself to a friend, and to take and take and take. Because I hadn't learned reciprocity, or good boundaries...I have learned those, and continue to learn those things, and I have many friends groups now, in my middle years. But I have certainly had some loneliness along the way. I am a person who values my solitude, and along with those skills, I had to first learn to recognize what I was missing, why I was missing it, and to make an active attempt to learn what I'd missed. That took time, and a lot of that trial and error. It's easier to learn those things as a kid, and takes more effort and I think, more risk, to learn it as an adult. I think that's why I'm loving the internet. I'm not all over it, just here and another social media site, and I love the opportunity to meet new people and share with them. But it also gives me as many built in limitations as I want...a perfect medium for someone like me. Perhaps that's another place for you to look...perhaps theirs a group that interacts online, but gets together at a cafe' or coffee shop regularly.... It's a matter of not giving up five7. And of believing in yourself, and being willing to take the risk of vulnerability, and also, of not taking it personally when someone like your "friend" from this summer, don't have appropriate boundaries, and don't treat you so well. You know, that's about her, and her issues, and it isn't a reflection of you or your worth. You extended yourself, and she didn't have what it takes to return your care....that's her loss, and yours as well, but it's not because you aren't worth the time and effort at all! College is another of those times, transitions, where people are experiencing new skills, new people, new opportunities...seems like a smorgasbord out there for some....but for others, like it was for me, it can be intimidating, and confusing, and learning how to fit into a peer group, or finding and/or building that comfortable group, takes time and a determination to keep trying. And it takes a real enjoyment of meeting other people, and sometimes a very open and obvious enjoyment. Not all of us are obvious about our emotions or enjoyment of new people, with new people. That's another skill....learning to show your enjoyment and positive emotion in a social situation with new people. I'm not any kind of expert five7, socially. Not an expert at all. And I remember that feeling of being single and at loose ends....socially empty is a good way to put it. All I can really say is to keep on trying, look for groups of people with whom you have common interests (I was a theatre geek), and maintain your faith in yourself, and your confidence. And just realize that you're going to meet a whole lot of people in your life, and the percentage of people with whom you'll be close, compared to those who just pass by and through and touch you lightly, is a very small number. You'll find them, they'll find you....just be open, and keep making that effort. I believe in you girl. Spend some time with the one or two friends you've made in the salsa club. Circulate, and let them introduce you to their friends.....you've made a start....follow it up. :)
five7 five7 3 years
Thanks Henna, at the moment I do feel very down because of everything. I know that some people have harder than others and although I am very blessed in all other areas of life like food, house things like that I can't help but feel down because its like people don't seem to want to be my friend. I never joined the French club because of the schedule however I did join the salsa club at my university. Although I did make 1 or 2 friends I still feel empty basically I feel socially empty if that makes sense. No matter how hard I try people seem to just write me off.
henna-red henna-red 3 years
Hi five7. Yes, I'm sure that it is very hurtful. I'm sorry that it's happened. Being used by another for whatever reason, when that person doesn't truly care, is a painful experience. And I'm sorry you've lost another friend. Don't give up though, girl. The universe is not against you, even if you seem to be feeling it is. But there are certainly times in our lives that seem to be harder than others, and it sounds as though you're in one of those times. Just keep trying. Adapt. If something doesn't go according to plan, then it's time to make a new plan. You sound very down, and I'm concerned for you. I wonder if you've checked in with a counselor...at school, or maybe through your family doctor. I know high school can be a tough time for a lot of us, and it can be rough looking for help sometimes. Did you ever connect with your French club? Talk to the teacher who leads or monitors the clubs to see if there was another time you could apply, or if they could reschedule? I hope you did, or that you found another after school extra curicular activity. Sounds like you are definately wanting some some more interaction with your peer group. Sometimes it's just a matter of keep trying, even when things don't seem to be going your way. take good care, girl. We all run into people who aren't really sincere about friendships.....and life gets in the way sometimes. But there's a big world out there, full of people waiting to meet and greet with you. You'll find them, if you just keep plugging away. :)
five7 five7 3 years
Thank you for the advise. Although it hurts me to accept that your guys are right. I'm here wanting to text her or something but her actions do speak louder, she hast contacted me since the last time I did. It hurts me because everything remotely good that is in my life vanishes. Like today I found out that I won't see someone that I started to care for ever again, and no one to talk to.
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 3 years
Henna's advice is so good. I was just going to say that whether its men or women "listen" to their actions. If they want to be with you, they are. If the words conflict with what they do, always believe what they do is the truth, not what they say. And just take care of yourself. Arguing with them is not going to do anything but keep you hanging on.
henna-red henna-red 3 years
There isn't really anything to do, darlin', I'm sorry. If she doesn't want to spend time or stay in touch, then she doesn't. It takes more than a summer to truly become best friends, so I'd say that her description was an unintended exageration....an insincere manner of speech. I'd alo say that you and she have different definitions of "close". It sounds to me as though she was bored, maybe away from her regular people, and when school started, she jumped back into her routine and left you behind. I'm sure that's very hurtful, and I hear anger in your tone and it's understandable. She basicallly used you as a summer fill in, and has now abandoned the friendship. The only thing to do is to let go of your expectations around her, wish her well, and look for friends elsewhere. She has shown you, with her choices, that she is not great friend material so far as you're concerned....believe her. Believe what she's shown you. You're right, if you were important to her, she would make time for you, and she doesn't. This is something to learn from, and remember. And be aware that if she contacts you again this summer, that she's once again looking for a short term distraction, not a sincere friendship. For a sincere friendship, you need to look to someone else. I'm sorry for your disappointment. Hope the next person to offer their friendship works out better. take good care
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