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My Jealousy Is Going to Wreck My Relationship

Dear Sugar,
I've got a problem. I am an over jealous girlfriend and I feel like I'm driving my boyfriend insane. I keep breaking up with him and taking him back. I don't know why I don't trust him. He truly is a good guy. We've been together for three years and seven months. We broke up once for about six months though and somewhere in the middle we both began dating other people.

Shortly after, I broke up with the other guy and I realized he was the one who I wanted to be with. We have been back together but lately, I've been so jealous. I constantly want to check his phone and I get upset when he goes to a movie without me. I feel like this isn't me! What can I do? Jealous Janie

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Jealous Janie
You should look up all of the proverbs that say that jealousy is a sin. Does your boyfriend have a pattern of cheating on you? Does he not make you feel good and loved? Whatever the case is - communication without being a nag is the best remedy.

Tell him that you are sorry for being jealous and that you are trying to get control of your behavior. Then ask him, if he wouldn't mind being more open with you. This way you wouldn't feel the need to ask so many questions and he wouldn't perceive you as a nag. You would also get your dose of constant reassurance.

The point is that you have to trust him until that trust is broken. You have to give him the benefit of the doubt and trust that he's not going to harm the relationship.

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sweet-pea sweet-pea 10 years
*jealousy* sorry-can't spell :)
sweet-pea sweet-pea 10 years
Wow, PA. I think that that is great advice. Finding something else to think about, something that makes her feel great, would help keep her mind off of her jelousy but might help with the self esteem/insecurity problem too.
jennifer76 jennifer76 10 years
Good for you, PA! Way to take control of yourself and your life. All the "I just can't help it"'s should listen to you.
karmasabitch karmasabitch 10 years
PA, you go girl :)
SunshineinSA SunshineinSA 10 years
I TOO AM AN INSECURE JEALOUS CONTROL FREAK OF A GIRLFRIEND! Uh that is so sad because I *never* thought I would be that girl. I'm funny, outgoing, sexy, and smart- so it's hard to let go when he sees his ex girlfriend (whom he is *just* friends with). Yes, it is hard to let go of the insecurity (what if he has too much to drink? What if she starts badmouthing me?) but I have learned that when I start to feel that way, I do something I know I'm good at like calling up a friend to cheer them up, writing a funny email or dancing around. If you have time to sit around and worry about your significant other all the time (and believe me, I was (is??!!) that girl!) you are not doing enough to interest and love yourself. And what do they say about those that don't love themselves...
pinkparadise42 pinkparadise42 10 years
Wow, when I read this it reminded me SO much of myself! I am a very insecure person and I believe that jealousy stems from being insecure. My b/f never gave me a reason not to trust him. He never cheated or came close to doing anything to hurt me. However, I was constantly on edge. Wanting to check the phone records, check pant pockets, his wallet, etc. I never found anything when searching but it was like I wanted to keep searching until I found something, which I never did. Anytime he went out with his guy friends I would sit home paranoid, thinking he was cheating on me or searching for someone better. Not only did these insecurities take a toll on myself, they took one on my relationship as well. From experiance, I know that saying don't think about it doesn't help. I talked to so many friends about my situation and they all said the same thing: "Trust him until he gives you a reason not too!" I know it's hard and frusterating but you will get through it!
haze1nut haze1nut 10 years
from one janie to another, don't be so insecure about yourself. if he was a bad guy to begin and he couldn't be trusted, then i could understand why you're jealous. but if he hasn't done anything wrong, then calm down and just realize it's you and not him that has problems. you're insecure and you're scared you're going to lose him. enjoy what you have, if you worry too much that'll only add more stress to the situation.
ishtar ishtar 10 years
i actually think this is completely about insecurity (which may involve control issues like the others have said). i have definitely felt this way in the past with someone that was really totally trustworthy. i would always feel like he was going to go and find someone else or that he already had. but in fact, it had nothing to do with him and everything to do with my mental state. maybe you should try talking to someone (re:therapist). believe me, if you continue like this (and you can try as hard as you want to not feel that way but it is unavoidable), you will lose him. please try to help yourself and see someone. i dont totally agree with DEARSUGAR's advice. I think any amount of him being open and sharing wont do anything. There is a deeper problem. I was lucky enough to have someone who reassured me and showed me he cared a lot but it is taxing on them and not fair. hopefully you can hold on to the relationship while you work this out but its really really hard. constantly reassuring someone is very hard- dont wait any longer and let this continue- get help. hope this helps. oh and forget about the six months apart. they are done and over with. I dont agree with My Opinion- I dont think you need to think about any of that, don't get insecure about something else. what matters is what you have now.
reality-check reality-check 10 years
Often the one worrying about the cheating is thinking of cheating or feeling guilty about something they did (reading into your description of the long breakup). I'd look inward to find the issue here. But I agree with the control issue. Maybe jerking him around all that time taught him that there is more to life than you and now you are worried you broke up one too many times. I know its harsh, but you need to get a grip. Only way to patch this one up is to drop the control, be normal, and move on. If you can't do that, this one may be too far gone.
Masqueraded_Angel Masqueraded_Angel 10 years
I can't really offer any advice, because I'm almost the same way. Now, my husband never cheated or anything, but I have been cheated on in previous relationships. I'll do some snooping, but only to find the $20 he took. Snooping around like you do is not only offending to him, but degrading to yourself. Why would you let yourself do something like that?
jennifer76 jennifer76 10 years
Nica - I believe that at its root, jealousy is often caused by control issues, too.
nicachica nicachica 10 years
i believe that at its root, jealousy is caused by insecurity and it looks like it's in full force here. you need to ask yourself why it is that you're pushing him away. have you been cheated on before? have your previous boyfriends been really jealous with you? if you are not secure with yourself and your relationship and you can't trust him (which it really looks like you don't), then you need to take some time to be by yourself and figure it out. everyone is a little insecure and gets jealous, but this sounds like its on a deeper level...good luck!
My-Opinion My-Opinion 10 years
your jealousy probably is so much worse now because there was that 6 month break-up...seeing other people..which means he had sex and did to 'them' all the things he does to you in the bedroom and you're driving yourself crazy wondering if he's still calling them like he still called and 'got back with' you. Or if he did it to her like he's doing to you right now... Move on..............too many darn men out there girl and guess what? They all got the same equipment below as he does.......who knows, probably even better....for some reason men and women get hooked to someone because of sex, or packages, lol, get over it, why would you want to be so insanely jealous of another human being? It's a waste of time, and if you don't quit now, you'll be the jealous freak with every man you get with and run em all off!!
jennifer76 jennifer76 10 years
You're lucky he's put up with you this long. But, you're driving yourself insane. You need to stop it, now. If you don't trust him, don't be with him. But, if you do trust him, you have to let it go and trust him. What you are doing is completely disrespectful to him. How would you feel if your boss were constantly looking over your shoulder and accusing you of stealing from your workplace? What you are doing is also killing your relationship. What you are doing may also drive your man to cheat on you. Think about what it's like to be under the thumb of your parents...just makes you want to sneak out, doesn't it? So, do your best to get a grip on this. When your doubts and suspicions come up, take a deep breath and focus on your man. Think about how he treats you, and what kind of person he is and you'll likely realize that he's not going to betray you that way.
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