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Nonmutual Attraction

Group Therapy: When the Attraction Is Not Mutual

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I have a really good friend who is in love with me. We have an awesome friendship. I have flirted with him in the past, only because he flirted with me.

We always hang out, the last time he came shopping with me and he didn't have to, he just came along. I really enjoy hanging out with him and we have great conversations and I can talk to him for hours. We get along great, and everyone thinks we should date, the problem? I'm just not attracted to him.

I'm a single girl always complaining about how difficult it is to find someone, so I feel bad that there is someone right in front of me, but I feel weird thinking about being in a relationship with him. I feel that I should just avoid him, but he asked me to hang out next week . . . I said sure.

I also feel like I'm using him because he does a lot for me, and I don't do anything for him, and I don't want to be in the way of him finding someone he can really be with, because he may be thinking that one of these days I'll confess my love for him. Has anyone been in this situation? What should I do?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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junebrug junebrug 5 years
Nip it in the bud. I'm in a LDR with a guy across the country, whom I'm not particularly attracted to. We started to become friends and got closer and closer. This guy has some rough stuff in his past and I feel like I just cannot break his heart. Apparently I've decided to break my own sanity instead. :/ Seriously, don't let it get out of control, I know where it leads.
MsChoo MsChoo 5 years
I just had this happen to me (the only difference is that I like his friend). I told him that I just wanted to be friends with him. We made a deal to not avoid each other because our friendship does mean a lot to me, and I pretty sure it means a lot to him too. I can definitely say its pretty awkward for us right now. I chat with him on MSN sometimes but hes been declining to go when a bunch of us hang out. So evaluate your friendship, declining to hang out with him may lead to eventual drift and think about if thats what you really want or not because you can prevent something like that now. It will most definitely awkward, but for me it wouldnt be worth losing friendship over. To make it a little less awkard, you could always try hanging out with him with a bunch of people. That way theres plenty of conversation to go around and you two can get comfortable being around each other again.
snowysakurasky snowysakurasky 5 years
one of my friends (ex-roomie) had this happen. at first i kind of felt she was leading him on but actually he asked her to take it to the next level a few times and she always gently and firmly refused. (i was in the other room one time and it was AWKWARD; rejection is quite difficult for the rejector when the rejectee begs and whines, etc) each time after i think they gave each other breathing room (they worked together so the friendship always continued.) in the end they still have that great friend connection and he found someone else (not as hot as my friend, more 'in his league' ) and they fell madly in love and got married. But my friend still has him as a friend and i dont think you need to tell your friend anything. however i would not be too flirty and when he does stuff for you just try to do favors back to keep it even (but not romantic cutesy favors that will turn him on) and obviously if he ever talks to you to say he loves you, you have to be clear, dont say 'maybe later' or anything stupid like that. As long as you are honest you dont have to stop being friends. but friends should do roughly equal favors... just remember, if you have some quasi relationship where he's like your dog always helping you and following you, eventually when he finds a girlfrend and she finds out she'll make him ditch you as a friend. so dont take advantage.
Puddingandjelly Puddingandjelly 5 years
I had this happen once before. I had to tell him that it just wasn't going to happen. I'll admit, he was a persistent person, so I had to run this by him...several times. Unfortunately, now, we don't even talk. He has a girlfriend, and she doesn't like me very much, so he and I don't hang out anymore, though I'm not sure whether it's her, or him. But that's not the point. You have to get to a level where you and him are both happy. You have to let him down easy, but be direct, so there will be no leading on. Good luck, and follow your gut. :)
pureperfection pureperfection 5 years
wow, i totally know how you feel girl... it was just that i wasnt as close as the guy who liked me. so i kinda avoided him really extremely. but i think u should just tell him the truth, if u still want this friendship. so good luck :)
atraditionalist atraditionalist 5 years
don't dig yourself into a hole with this guy! I am in this situation and it sucks because I've dug myself into a hole and short of telling him that I DON'T LIKE HIM AT ALL there's no other way out becuase I've already hung out with him so much and kissed him even though I didn't want to. So get out now before it's been months like me. I'm too scared to tell him straight up and be called a huge b*tch. Also it will be really awkward if you get into a relationship with another guy becuase he will be asking questions...Anyways i agree with holly - he doesn't have true friendship on the brain so just hang out with him in groups, avoid being alone with him and if he asks you flat out if you like him tell him that you would like to just be friends -actual friends (not this weird pseudo dating friend thing)
HollyJRockNRoll HollyJRockNRoll 5 years
I have had this problem within the last year. Seriously, if you don't nip it in the bud now, it will only get worse. I ended up not being to stay friends with the guy. Has he confessed to you that he likes you? If he hasn't, then don't bring it up. If he has, just be direct-but polite. Say, you just not interested and leave it at that. Also, regardless of above, as you have suggested for yourself, distance may be the best way to go. If he likes you, spending more time with you is only going to make that feeling grow. Also, if you can do group activities where all the focus is not on you-that could be helpful. Its hard to loose a friend and I feel bad for your situation. But let's also be straight. Unless he is a childhood buddy, he probably isn't really hanging out with you because he has friendship on the brain. He has YOU on the brain and he is probably using "friendship" as an angle to get in your pants. It's a crude way to put it, but...
kesatuuli kesatuuli 5 years
I've definitely been in this situation before. I thought perhaps one day that attraction would grow, and other times thought maybe that me thinking he had feelings for me was false and we were both on the same page. but these things never worked for me. in fact sometimes it has been disastrous because it's someone's heart you are playing with even if you don't intend to. I agree with the others, you need to tell him straight what your feelings are and what you expect in the friendship. If you actually care for your friend, you should let him truly find someone that reciprocates his feelings. Both of you are so close probably for different reasons. He's probably with you because he wants to be with you, and you may be with him because although he is a good friend, it's nice to have all the sweet things of a relationship without having a relationship. It's a security blanket and who wouldn't want to be cared for by someone else? By not talking to him, you're preventing each other from moving on from this safe and comfortable place. Because you don't have feelings for him, it will be your job to set the boundaries. Whenever he does something or whenever you do things together, you must ask how you would act with other guy friends where the boundaries are clear. If you find it odd or inappropriate to do certain things with any other guy friend, you know you've crossed the line. For example, you always go to the same favorite restaurant and have dinner with this guy. Would you go to a restaurant and have dinners with another guy friend alone all the time? perhaps not, then in this case, you probably crossed the friend line. Anyway, this is just from my own experience. Good luck!
French-Kiss French-Kiss 5 years
I agree with the others. Also, because you get along so well he might think that your feelings evolve, or hope so. You see, i think at this point, for him there is no reason to get over you, as he loves you and spend great time with you. He won't move on as long as nothing has been done, or said =/
missmaryb missmaryb 5 years
I agree, talk to him. You may even suggest taking a break from each other for a bit, hanging out with some other friends. That would give him time to decide if he can continue to be in your life as "just a friend." Even though it may hurt his feelings now, being direct will save him more hurt and possible embarrassment later. Take it from a girl who was never up front when I was younger for fear of hurting the other person. I hurt them worse by not saying anything. Best of luck.
greenvolcomlion greenvolcomlion 5 years
I have been in a situation like this before. It ended badly when I started a relationship with another guy. His 'friendship' with you is blurring because you guys are so there for each other.. he may already feel like it is a relationship. Like Joe said, you need to be direct.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 5 years
Be direct. Tell him that you just do not feel that 'spark' for him that he would like you to feel for him. Tell him that you are very happy to be his friend, but that is as far as it is going to go. There is one big danger, too. The more you hang out one-on-one with this guy, the more you are becoming emotionally attached to him -- it's too much like being on a date. It's time for you to expand your circle of friends and find other people to hang out with.
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