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Obsessive Ex-Girlfriends

Group Therapy: How Do I Handle His Ex-Girlfriends?

This question comes from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I'm having some issues about my boyfriend's ex-girlfriends. They are definitely more fashionable and "hotter" than I am but I know they weren't very intelligent and that my boyfriend chose to end those relationships. He also told me about some of their ridiculous behaviors like how one lied to him and said she was pregnant just to get him back in her life. The problem is they are all still very obsessed with him, showing up at all of his usual bar spots and messaging his brother and friends to find out what is going on with him. Crazy right? Well then why is he Facebook stalking them?!

We have been unofficially dating for a year now. Officially it has been about 8 months. He is pretty serious about us and had me meet all of his extended family (which he has never done with a girl before) but I was using his computer the other day before our vacation and I saw that he looks at his ex's profiles quite often on Facebook. I'm talking combing through a lot of their pictures maybe 3 times a month.

If he broke up with them and said how crazy and insane the relationships were. And if he is making things very serious with us, why is he Facebook stalking them so much?!

It is really hard for me to understand and deal with. Especially when they show up places when we are out and given my insecurities about their looks and style. I'm very torn. I love being with him and we have an amazing time together but we can't have a future if his past is still in the present!

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Dashygurl Dashygurl 5 years
girl woman to woman... Start by you getting fancy... I mean get your hair done, nails done, everything done. Comb through your clothes and get rid of whatever that doesnt look flattering on you. Even when you go to bed dress up and get it up. Because at the end of the day if you cant feel secure in yourself then the problem is you, their is going to always be someone that looks better than us, but how we take it is on us Hun, and If he can't appreciate who you are then you need to let it go...
HollyJRockNRoll HollyJRockNRoll 5 years
You need to have a serious chat with this dude. Also, if you are feeling bad about yourself, do something about it!!! Get your hair done, buy some new outfits. Those other girls may be hot, but I bet you are to or could be if you didn't beat yourself up so much. Meanwhile, this guy sounds immature. He sounds like he likes all the attention from his ex's, and frankly I would be wary of the whole situation. Ex's who are "crazy" should not be so significant in his present life. If he was like "oh, they meant so much to me" then I'd understand to a degree, but if they are just crazy skanks????? Hell to the no girl. Maybe you need to nix this dude because something doesn't add up. I knew a girl who always had a trail of ex's following her and she would always say, "Oh, that dude is crazy. He's obsessed with me, etc". Turns out, she was leading ALL these ex's on by staying in full contact with them, hanging out with them, buying them gifts and doing only God knows what else. I think you need to reevaluate this relationship. You sound like you have crappy self esteem and if that is the case you may feel the need to put up with this crap. DON'T. And seriously, if you are feeling bad about your appearance do something about it. I'm sure you're fine, but there is no reason to go around feeling like an ugly duckling!
remember-aurora remember-aurora 5 years
This is exactly what's happening with my boyfriend... and we're on a break now because of it. You need to have a serious conversation with him about it. Tell him that this is really bothering you and need to be taken seriously. He cannot just roll his eyes about it and he also needs to take your feelings into consideration. If you would like to talk more about this, feel free to PM me.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 5 years
Action speaks LOUDER than words. He may be saying one thing, but his action does another...you'll have to decide what you want to do with this information, either go to him to confront him or keep it to yourself and..well both will leave you with much doubt and perhaps distrust toward him and his words from now on.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 5 years
I agree with KittyTx....it is disrespectful no matter how you spin it. Your uncomfortable feelings should trump any crazy fascination he has for checking out exs. It would really bug me, but I am a different generation, I guess.I think the past should stay in the past.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 5 years
I agree with KittyTx....it is disrespectful no matter how you spin it. Your uncomfortable feelings should trump any crazy fascination he has for checking out exs. It would really bug me, but I am a different generation, I guess. I think the past should stay in the past.
Skeptic52 Skeptic52 5 years
Dude, if I looked at pictures of my exes on facebook (unless somehow it were on accident like he'd been in a picture with someone else I know) that would definitely mean I cared about my husband less. That's not respectful. And WHY? I don't even think about them, and I don't care how they're doing. I mean, I wish them well and all. I don't want ANYONE to suffer, but why would I need to look them up on facebook? I'm in a relationship with someone I love and committed to, and he deserves my respect.
Anonymous77 Anonymous77 5 years
Maybe I just need to keep reminding myself that just because he is looking at their pictures and profiles it doesn't mean he cares any less about me. And if he isn't seeing them, talking to them, or associating in anyway....I guess facebook stalking them is the least of ways he can still be "aware" of them without having them in his life. I need to remind myself of all the good things and not focus on this one stupid bad thing.
Anonymous77 Anonymous77 5 years
Maybe I just need to keep reminding myself that just because he is looking at their pictures and profiles it doesn't mean he cares any less about me. And if he isn't seeing them, talking to them, or associating in anyway....I guess facebook stalking them is the least of ways he can still be "aware" of them without having them in his life. I need to remind myself of all the good things and not focus on this one stupid bad thing.
genesisrocks genesisrocks 5 years
I also find your boyfriend's behavior strange. I wouldn't worry about it though, it's probably just curiosity on his part. Are you sure he's not just exaggerating how much these girls stalk him to impress you?
GlitzyGlam GlitzyGlam 5 years
I know the feeling, my current boyfriend would always talk about this one particualr girl (maybe because it was his "first real loving relationship"). At the beginning of our relationship he would always talk about the things he did and he would always start "When me and _____ were together...." It got annoying so I pointed it out. But he was using it as a time frame because he was telling me about a great time he had somewhere doing something (usually about cars, nice places to go to, etc.). And then he brought up an issue with his most current ex about how he would always talk about the first ex and that she hated that they were friends and such. So, I began to think he knows it pissed off the girlfriend. I think I even made a comment to all hang out because I thought his first ex was ugly now and that I looked much better and it would give me some kind of pleasure knowing I was hotter and at the same time I could see how they were together to see if I knew what I was getting myself into.. He was all for it. It never happened. (You can try that)After that, I never really showed that I was jealous, I just brushed it off.. Since last I heard she got pregnant, although every so often when we see a mixed racial couple he will make a comment and I know he's talking about her bc she is with a guy of a different race than her. I act like I didn't hear it, and sometimes I'll see that he talked to the first ex on his phone but I don't ask. I just keep a mental note. Maybe one day I'll reconnect with all my ex's and call them friends! If you want to stay serious with this guy, you have to accept it. Maybe back away for a little bit to see how he reacts. Or try to not get mad at him. You have to be confident in your self and stop comparing yourself. A man doesn't want to marry a dumb woman bc she's pretty, he would want to have someone he can connect with. Just like you don't want a really really good looking guy that is really dumb! :P
GlitzyGlam GlitzyGlam 5 years
I know the feeling, my current boyfriend would always talk about this one particualr girl (maybe because it was his "first real loving relationship"). At the beginning of our relationship he would always talk about the things he did and he would always start "When me and _____ were together...." It got annoying so I pointed it out. But he was using it as a time frame because he was telling me about a great time he had somewhere doing something (usually about cars, nice places to go to, etc.). And then he brought up an issue with his most current ex about how he would always talk about the first ex and that she hated that they were friends and such. So, I began to think he knows it pissed off the girlfriend. I think I even made a comment to all hang out because I thought his first ex was ugly now and that I looked much better and it would give me some kind of pleasure knowing I was hotter and at the same time I could see how they were together to see if I knew what I was getting myself into.. He was all for it. It never happened. (You can try that) After that, I never really showed that I was jealous, I just brushed it off.. Since last I heard she got pregnant, although every so often when we see a mixed racial couple he will make a comment and I know he's talking about her bc she is with a guy of a different race than her. I act like I didn't hear it, and sometimes I'll see that he talked to the first ex on his phone but I don't ask. I just keep a mental note. Maybe one day I'll reconnect with all my ex's and call them friends! If you want to stay serious with this guy, you have to accept it. Maybe back away for a little bit to see how he reacts. Or try to not get mad at him. You have to be confident in your self and stop comparing yourself. A man doesn't want to marry a dumb woman bc she's pretty, he would want to have someone he can connect with. Just like you don't want a really really good looking guy that is really dumb! :P
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 5 years
Truthfully, I find your boyfriend's behavior bizarre. I have no constructive advice for you. I regret that.This reminded me of my personal situation I had recently. I met one of my husband's ex's at a social event. She was a family friend (of my husband's family of origin, not our family, per se). I found her to be lovely and charming. I could see why my husband was attracted to her.I guess I have a good self-esteem, as I thought my husband had good taste in women. Meeting his ex (and knowing myself) confirmed that for me. LOL ;)After the social event, when we were home, I teased my husband about that. I told him I could see why he fell for his his ex, and complimented his taste in women. LOL
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 5 years
Truthfully, I find your boyfriend's behavior bizarre. I have no constructive advice for you. I regret that. This reminded me of my personal situation I had recently. I met one of my husband's ex's at a social event. She was a family friend (of my husband's family of origin, not our family, per se). I found her to be lovely and charming. I could see why my husband was attracted to her. I guess I have a good self-esteem, as I thought my husband had good taste in women. Meeting his ex (and knowing myself) confirmed that for me. LOL ;) After the social event, when we were home, I teased my husband about that. I told him I could see why he fell for his his ex, and complimented his taste in women. LOL
Anonymous77 Anonymous77 5 years
These are all some very good points! Especially "Natalie Love" because I know that I'm insecure and compare myself to them all the time. I'm trying to work on my confidence and self esteem issues but I'm not really sure how. My boyfriend has a very impressive resume as well as life experiences. So between the "model" ex girlfriends and his travels and accomplishments sometimes I wonder why he would want me? Its the first time I've really ever felt insecure in a relationship and I think it is because it is the first time I was ever with someone who I actually care about and am proud of.
Natalie-Love Natalie-Love 5 years
To be honest, if all in the relationship is well, I think it's all your own insecurities you need to deal with. You say your bf's exes are more fashionable, or "hot" then you, that is quite a statement! Sounds like you have some self esteem issues that you should perhaps work on. Maybe get a nice haircut, or clothes that make you feel good about yourself, but there is no reason you shouldn't feel just as hot and sexy as previous girls he's been with! It sounds like you're constantly trying to prove to yourself that you are better then them (they're crazy, unintelligent, etc) I think you should stop comparing yourself to them and just love yourself, and the relationship you're in!And if they're still obsessed with him, let them be. You're with him, and they're not. It shouldn't bother you if you're comfortable and happy in your relationship. You can't expect him to be rude and tell them to fuck off every time they talk, does it flatter him that they still like him? Probably. Should that bother you so much? Not really. You shouldn't have snooped on him, but people look through ex's pics and whereabouts all the time. Even if they want nothing to do with them. It's curiosity, and 3 times a month isn't a concern. 3 Times a day is another story. It's as if you were looking for evidence to convince yourself that he is interested in them! I think you should stop snooping on him, and focus on your own insecurities, for the sake of this relationship!
Natalie-Love Natalie-Love 5 years
To be honest, if all in the relationship is well, I think it's all your own insecurities you need to deal with. You say your bf's exes are more fashionable, or "hot" then you, that is quite a statement! Sounds like you have some self esteem issues that you should perhaps work on. Maybe get a nice haircut, or clothes that make you feel good about yourself, but there is no reason you shouldn't feel just as hot and sexy as previous girls he's been with! It sounds like you're constantly trying to prove to yourself that you are better then them (they're crazy, unintelligent, etc) I think you should stop comparing yourself to them and just love yourself, and the relationship you're in! And if they're still obsessed with him, let them be. You're with him, and they're not. It shouldn't bother you if you're comfortable and happy in your relationship. You can't expect him to be rude and tell them to fuck off every time they talk, does it flatter him that they still like him? Probably. Should that bother you so much? Not really. You shouldn't have snooped on him, but people look through ex's pics and whereabouts all the time. Even if they want nothing to do with them. It's curiosity, and 3 times a month isn't a concern. 3 Times a day is another story. It's as if you were looking for evidence to convince yourself that he is interested in them! I think you should stop snooping on him, and focus on your own insecurities, for the sake of this relationship!
clairestrose clairestrose 5 years
You need to have the confidence to talk to him about it. Just ask him, straight out, if he has feelings for any of them. If he just rolls his eyes and tries to brush away the conversation with a joking comment, I'm sorry to say that he probably DOES have feelings for them. I wouldn't be afraid to press deeper and really find out why he looks at them all the time. If he's willing to have a conversation with you about it and says that he's just curious what they're up to, or every once in a while he'll see an interesting album pop up in his feed, then he's probably being honest.Don't feel bad when he realizes that you looked through his history and freaks out- I'm pretty sure this is something ALL girls (and I'm sure guys, too) do at one point or another. It's not necessarily a trust issue unless you're checking often. Don't let this turn into a trust issue, either. You need to realize that you deserve someone who wants you, someone who is willing to have you be enough. You absolutely nailed it when you said, "but we can't have a future if his past is still in the present!" You need to find out IF his past is still in the present. Recently, I broke up with a guy because he was absolutely obsessed over his ex and after getting over the crappy feelings of the break-up, I realized how much better I felt knowing that I did something for ME. Be confident. Do this for YOU, not even for the sake of the relationship. Don't get crazy over it but you need to make sure both of you are being completely honest with each other. Good luck!
clairestrose clairestrose 5 years
You need to have the confidence to talk to him about it. Just ask him, straight out, if he has feelings for any of them. If he just rolls his eyes and tries to brush away the conversation with a joking comment, I'm sorry to say that he probably DOES have feelings for them. I wouldn't be afraid to press deeper and really find out why he looks at them all the time. If he's willing to have a conversation with you about it and says that he's just curious what they're up to, or every once in a while he'll see an interesting album pop up in his feed, then he's probably being honest. Don't feel bad when he realizes that you looked through his history and freaks out- I'm pretty sure this is something ALL girls (and I'm sure guys, too) do at one point or another. It's not necessarily a trust issue unless you're checking often. Don't let this turn into a trust issue, either. You need to realize that you deserve someone who wants you, someone who is willing to have you be enough. You absolutely nailed it when you said, "but we can't have a future if his past is still in the present!" You need to find out IF his past is still in the present. Recently, I broke up with a guy because he was absolutely obsessed over his ex and after getting over the crappy feelings of the break-up, I realized how much better I felt knowing that I did something for ME. Be confident. Do this for YOU, not even for the sake of the relationship. Don't get crazy over it but you need to make sure both of you are being completely honest with each other. Good luck!
Anonymous77 Anonymous77 5 years
To my knowledge he hasn't said anything to encourage them to stop. We don't talk about it. Whenever it has gotten brought up he rolls his eyes at how crazy they are. My guess is that he secretly is flattered by it. He looks at a few peoples profiles but he is definitely looking at the ex's more and making a point of it. I guess I don't understand why he has to look. He talks about their relationships as having just been "convenient" and knowing that he didn't really has feelings for them like he should have. So if he isn't friends with them, viewed his relationships with them as a joke, and is aware of their crazy behaviors then why does he check out their pictures and stuff pretty regularly?I know I haven't talked about it with him but I wouldn't even know how to go about it.
Anonymous77 Anonymous77 5 years
To my knowledge he hasn't said anything to encourage them to stop. We don't talk about it. Whenever it has gotten brought up he rolls his eyes at how crazy they are. My guess is that he secretly is flattered by it. He looks at a few peoples profiles but he is definitely looking at the ex's more and making a point of it. I guess I don't understand why he has to look. He talks about their relationships as having just been "convenient" and knowing that he didn't really has feelings for them like he should have. So if he isn't friends with them, viewed his relationships with them as a joke, and is aware of their crazy behaviors then why does he check out their pictures and stuff pretty regularly? I know I haven't talked about it with him but I wouldn't even know how to go about it.
Rjs-baby-girl Rjs-baby-girl 5 years
Did he talk to the girls about the stalking behaviour to tell them to stop it? Did he take actions to make it stop? Have you guys talked about how uncomfortable it makes you feel? The main thing for me would be to know he's doing everything possible to try to stop them, then I would be reassured that he has moved on. I'm not really sure how to answer the Facebook part. You saw that he's looking at his ex's profiles, but is he looking a lot at other friend's profiles in general? For example, I'm the one who left my previous serious boyfriends and I'm friends on Facebook with 2 of them, and I check their profiles from time to time, to see what they are doing now and stuff. I'm not stalking them but for me it's another way to get news about them without having to talk to them too often. I still care about them even if I don't love them anymore.
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