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One-Sided Friendships

Group Therapy: I Feel Like I Am Putting All the Effort Into a Friendship

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I feel used and unappreciated by my friend. We have been "best" friends for a long time, since we were about twelve (I'm 23 now), and we decided after college that we'd get an apartment together in the city.

It seemed like something that could be really fun, but over time I feel like it's not anymore. Since living together, I feel like I'm the one always bringing things together, she puts no effort into our friendship. She has a boyfriend of three years, and since living together, I feel like I'm only her friend when her boyfriend happens to be busy. When he's around she always blows me off, usually unannounced.

We used to have fun together, go out, see movies, go shopping, even travel, and since the guy came in, I feel like she only hangs out with me in the apartment to watch TV and that's it. I bring a lot to our friendship, I'll get tickets to concerts and shows, plan outings on weekends, not to mention that I cook and do all the grocery shopping for our apartment.

I feel like I generally share things with her, introducing her to music, TV shows, restaurants, magazines, etc., and I feel like she just takes and takes from me (without any credit of course) and always expects me to do everything. I'm tired of it. And feel like just cutting her off in a way. This sounds terrible, but I've realized how bland she is. I feel like I'm the amusement park for her mind.

I think friends should be always inspiring and learning and having fun together, and this just feels so one-sided. I'm putting too much into the friendship or something, and not only does she not bring anything, but she doesn't even seem to care. Should I bring it up with her? Sometimes I get so irritated with her that I might.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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shreerose shreerose 4 years
No, she's a terrible friend. I had this exact thing happen to me. I was living in Texas, and I was feeling miserable, so my best friend of 10 years (I'm 20 now, she's 19), would call me all the time, telling me to come back to our childhood town, we'd have so much fun together at college, etc. And like an idiot, I did, and was COMPLETELY shocked that we barely hung out together once I was here. Like your friend, my best friend had a boyfriend of 4 years, and was so preoccupied with him, it was like we never hung out. Exactly like you, I was the one always calling her, trying to make plans, trying to plan trips, everything and she completely took advantage of it (when we'd hang out). So eventually, I had to just recognize that our friendship wasn't like it was when I was 10 years old, so I let it go and met some new friends. Looks like you need to do the same thing.Sorry about that though-it really sucks, I know.
shreerose shreerose 4 years
No, she's a terrible friend. I had this exact thing happen to me. I was living in Texas, and I was feeling miserable, so my best friend of 10 years (I'm 20 now, she's 19), would call me all the time, telling me to come back to our childhood town, we'd have so much fun together at college, etc. And like an idiot, I did, and was COMPLETELY shocked that we barely hung out together once I was here. Like your friend, my best friend had a boyfriend of 4 years, and was so preoccupied with him, it was like we never hung out. Exactly like you, I was the one always calling her, trying to make plans, trying to plan trips, everything and she completely took advantage of it (when we'd hang out). So eventually, I had to just recognize that our friendship wasn't like it was when I was 10 years old, so I let it go and met some new friends. Looks like you need to do the same thing. Sorry about that though-it really sucks, I know.
JennyJK JennyJK 4 years
I wouldn't automatically jump to the conclusion that your roommate is a terrible friend. You guys do live together so it's probably still easy for her to rationalize the friendship since you do share a living space (it's not like you haven't physically seen her in 2 months you guys DO hang out and watch TV) Everybody is capable of taking their friends for granted sometimes and it's so easy to do when you live with someone. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt that she doesn't realize it. Should you bring it up with her.... uhhhhh, yes!! You have to!!!!! It'll probably be no big deal, EVERYONE get preoccupied with relationships, no matter what they say. I wouldn't through your relationship away. It's not like she's being super mean to you now, she just has a boyfriend, sheesh.
JennyJK JennyJK 4 years
I wouldn't automatically jump to the conclusion that your roommate is a terrible friend. You guys do live together so it's probably still easy for her to rationalize the friendship since you do share a living space (it's not like you haven't physically seen her in 2 months you guys DO hang out and watch TV)Everybody is capable of taking their friends for granted sometimes and it's so easy to do when you live with someone. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt that she doesn't realize it. Should you bring it up with her.... uhhhhh, yes!! You have to!!!!! It'll probably be no big deal, EVERYONE get preoccupied with relationships, no matter what they say. I wouldn't through your relationship away. It's not like she's being super mean to you now, she just has a boyfriend, sheesh.
hypnoticmix hypnoticmix 4 years
I agree with the fact that it's typical for a friend to turn inward when they're in a relationship that you'll never get around. However it's the way they do it that leaves you feeling okay with it or not. I have a friend of over twenty years who has been in three relationships during that time. True she was usually busy with her relationship but we still got together the three of us or just she and I. If you're searching to spend the amount of time with your friend as you did when you were both single I agree it'll never happen. Now it's about quality. In your case though you say she makes little or no effort to cultivate those opportunities with you. Unfortunately this could also mean that she is growing apart from you. My friend and I spend less time together but our relationship is certainly still growing. Yours on the other hand is lopsided because she's not doing her part. Something to think about. In my relationship even when it was new I often made it a point to schedule brunch with friends and my partner or weekend getaways etc. because my close friends are just as much a part of my life as he is.
hypnoticmix hypnoticmix 4 years
I agree with the fact that it's typical for a friend to turn inward when they're in a relationship that you'll never get around. However it's the way they do it that leaves you feeling okay with it or not. I have a friend of over twenty years who has been in three relationships during that time. True she was usually busy with her relationship but we still got together the three of us or just she and I. If you're searching to spend the amount of time with your friend as you did when you were both single I agree it'll never happen. Now it's about quality. In your case though you say she makes little or no effort to cultivate those opportunities with you. Unfortunately this could also mean that she is growing apart from you. My friend and I spend less time together but our relationship is certainly still growing. Yours on the other hand is lopsided because she's not doing her part. Something to think about. In my relationship even when it was new I often made it a point to schedule brunch with friends and my partner or weekend getaways etc. because my close friends are just as much a part of my life as he is.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 4 years
There are girls like this but the blanket accusation that "girls become the worst friends when they have a boyfriend" is a stereotype and untrue. But yeah, make some new friends, join some groups that interest you (volunteer orgs or even meetup.com could be good) and hopefully when they break up she'll realize how much she screwed up and not do that again.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 4 years
There are girls like this but the blanket accusation that "girls become the worst friends when they have a boyfriend" is a stereotype and untrue. But yeah, make some new friends, join some groups that interest you (volunteer orgs or even meetup.com could be good) and hopefully when they break up she'll realize how much she screwed up and not do that again.
aliciatx aliciatx 4 years
Sounds like you need to make some new friends! It's tough to live with your best friend, I've done that and sometimes you just need a break from a person that you hang out with all the time and live with. If you are feeling taken advantage of, then stop! You can't be taken advantage of by someone unless you let them. Stop doing all the cooking & grocery shopping, stop buying concert tickets for her, stop planning outings and inviting her out, stop sharing as much as you have been. Go out on your own or with other people, discover things on your own and enjoy the new music or hobbies for yourself. You don't have to share everything with her!! You have to have your own life separate from your friend/roommate. You'll be happier.
Pauladeanliveshere Pauladeanliveshere 4 years
Hey, I'm sorry to have to tell you this because it sucks but the friendship as you know it and love it is gone forever. It may revert back when she is single again but she will dump you again as soon as she gets a boyfriend. You can talk to her and maybe she will work on it a bit or she may get defensive. From my experience, it is best for you to just make some new friends and move on with your life because this girl is essentially a leech and you need someone in your life who is there for you to as a friend.
Pauladeanliveshere Pauladeanliveshere 4 years
Hey, I'm sorry to have to tell you this because it sucks but the friendship as you know it and love it is gone forever. It may revert back when she is single again but she will dump you again as soon as she gets a boyfriend.You can talk to her and maybe she will work on it a bit or she may get defensive. From my experience, it is best for you to just make some new friends and move on with your life because this girl is essentially a leech and you need someone in your life who is there for you to as a friend.
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