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Is Our Relationship Not Deep Enough?

Group Therapy: Is Our Love Naive?

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I've been dating my boyfriend for a several months now and we were friends long before. This is my first relationship so I realize I don't have a basis for comparison, but I still feel like we have something amazing and things are going really well.

However, this relationship (perhaps as I said, because it's my first) has caused me to think a lot about the nature of love. And I get the feeling that we have a very "young love," maybe even what you'd call naive. We're both upperclassmen in college so I don't think we're too young to maintain a serious relationship, or in any case, a non-naive relationship. We spend a lot of time simply telling each other how much we like each other, why we like each other or even just reminiscing on special moments between us (this has increased since we've been long distance for the summer). I think we can both definitely be defined as sappy when it comes to each other. We like to buy gifts for each other and treat each other. And he likes to brag about me to his friends. At the moment, of course, I'm just enjoying all this! Things have been great and I have no intentions of ending it. It's just that sometimes it seems like we talk more about why/how much we enjoy each other rather than real things. Like jobs after college. Or religion. Or even our day-to-day activities. We still have our share of serious conversations (after all I wouldn't have dated him if I didn't really connect with him on some level) but it seems we would just prefer to shamelessly dote on each other (and him more than me). Maybe we just use each other as escape from real life stress?

So I sometimes wonder if this will be a problem in the future. Or rather, if later on I'll look back and simply look at us as a stupid passing obsession rather than a meaningful, caring relationship. What I'm really looking for here is a discussion, since I don't feel I actually need relationship advice at the moment (although any given would be interesting). What I'm asking is:

What is "young love"? What constitutes naivety in love? And do these things end a relationship? Do they keep a relationship from actually hitting a deeper level and being meaningful?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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karlotta karlotta 4 years
Just enjoy this time. Soon you guys will move in and start bickering about toilet paper. Most relationships go through that silly phase at the beginning - it's lovely, it's happy, it's wonderful. Have all the gooey fun in the world, there will be plenty of time to discuss religion and toilet seat positions. You'll have a solid background of happy memories and tenderness to carry you through the bad days that way :)
dahliadreamer dahliadreamer 4 years
@luckyducky: I totally play the same game! My boyfriend loves it, and is really good with asking the same questions I ask. I like your rule of always asking a new question though; definitely going to use that one! I find a great way to get him to talk about things outside of you is to ask him abuot his day. My boyfriend and I love sharing how our day went, and while sometimes you get complains about customers at work or things along those lines, not only do you get the support from your SO, but you also hear great things that happened throughout their day, and it's always nice to hear about them. It helps to connect the two of you in that 'outside' sort of way, while still being considerate of them and loving on them. While I think it's great of you to think into the future while you're with this guy, don't forget that you're living for the day too, so be happy!
dahliadreamer dahliadreamer 4 years
@luckyducky: I totally play the same game! My boyfriend loves it, and is really good with asking the same questions I ask. I like your rule of always asking a new question though; definitely going to use that one! I find a great way to get him to talk about things outside of you is to ask him abuot his day. My boyfriend and I love sharing how our day went, and while sometimes you get complains about customers at work or things along those lines, not only do you get the support from your SO, but you also hear great things that happened throughout their day, and it's always nice to hear about them. It helps to connect the two of you in that 'outside' sort of way, while still being considerate of them and loving on them. While I think it's great of you to think into the future while you're with this guy, don't forget that you're living for the day too, so be happy!
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 4 years
Oh honey. Stop worrying. So what if this is naive young love? I look back on my "young love" relationships with great fondness, and I'm so glad it was a part of my life. Maybe you will discover you are perfectly compatible, maybe you will discover you are not, and then years later you will find someone with whom you are perfectly compatible. All will be well--enjoy every moment!
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 4 years
Oh honey. Stop worrying.So what if this is naive young love? I look back on my "young love" relationships with great fondness, and I'm so glad it was a part of my life. Maybe you will discover you are perfectly compatible, maybe you will discover you are not, and then years later you will find someone with whom you are perfectly compatible. All will be well--enjoy every moment!
lcrox07 lcrox07 4 years
I think it's great that you have that sort of connection with him. The face that he is who you go to in times of Peace. Otherwise, you'll end up like most people who just vent about their day to one another. I should know... If there are things in the back of your mind, bring them up once in a while. But as for the rest, you are very lucky to have that sort of relationship.
luckyduckyy luckyduckyy 4 years
Well that was supposed to be a smiley face, but I guess a winky face works too :)
luckyduckyy luckyduckyy 4 years
"Naive" love and young love, as it's called, is only called that by outsiders, not by the two people in the relationship. It's not enough to break up a relationship, unless either person in the relationship is so keen to appease outsiders, and not the other person in the relationship. If you're happy, then everything is fine. Right now, it seems like you're more worried about the unforeseen future. You're thinking up things that COULD go wrong, when nothing is wrong right now. I agree with the others, this is the "honeymoon" stage, where you've started to explore each other and everything is so new and you're amazed and in wonder of this new person who seems so awesome and perfect and fascinating. Things will change a bit later. You should still dote on each other, but not nearly as much as in the beginning. This "doting" is merely affection of the cutesy variety. Long talks about serious issues like religion and healthcare or whatever else does not make a "good" relationship. It's just one of many kinds of relationships. I must add though, that I am a rising junior in college, and have had my boyfriend for two years now. I wanted to know more things about him, and him about me, and I wanted to talk about EVERYTHING, so I created a thing called "the question game." Rules of the game: You ask a question, the other person answers. You can use the same question the other person asked, if you want, but must ask another, new question. And you just keep going around and around until you're tired of asking and answering questions. And you can bring up the game whenever you're bored. My boyfriend and I usually play this game over Skype, when we're far apart. Maybe you two can do something similar. It's fun ;)
pbear89 pbear89 4 years
I think your situation is totally normal, as pax4pax mentioned your in the "honeymoon" stage....every relationship goes through it, it's wonderful, it's sappy, and it mostly spent finding ways to say how much you love that person...with words...with sappy gifts..ect. I know you feel that you should discuss more serious things, and if you fell you have that bond absolutely bring some things up, but really enjoy where you are now because as with most relationships the honeymoon phase starts to fade and you move into a new stage of your relationship in which the serious things will come and it gets a little less sappy....which in it's own way is still wonderful with the right person but I think as with most girls you will look back know and then, and not that you won't be happy, but you may miss some of those incredibly gushy, love-dovey, fall-over yourselves obsessed moments. I guess my point is it's still new, enjoy it, if your happy don't worry....the rest will eventually come....good relationships don't just fall into place they take love, effort, and time....and lots of time patience. So just be patient, be happy, and use this time to explore your feelings for this guy.
fingerscrossed fingerscrossed 4 years
I am in a similar situation. I have recently began a new relationship (I am post grad school student), possibly a tad older, but share a lot of the areas you spoke about. In my relationship we talk about our attractions to each other, we talk about sex, things we want to do together, and it is happy and fun. I am guessing some of that intensity will tapper off, but right now I'm enjoying it. I in no way want the relationship to end, and feel our bond (like the one you developed with your b/f) is strong enough to carry us into a serious relationship, if the passion fades some. Good luck, I feel you are on a normal relationship path. Enjoy it.
missmaryb missmaryb 4 years
It's great that you've found this happiness. College can often be a time of "suspended reality" and it's easy to fall into that kind of relationship. Keep enjoying what you have. I agree with Joe that you should start bringing up such topics (religion, family values, etc) in a friendly, non-threatening way. You don't want to find out a couple of years down the road that you have insurmountable issues that you didn't even know existed. Just try to work some of the bigger topics into your every day conversations and see where it leads you. Good luck!
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 4 years
OP, There is a whole list of what I call 'serious issues' that two people in a relationship should discuss, such as religion, politics, etc. The more you bring thesee things up <i>in a friendly way</i>, the better. If you need a list of topics, feel free to ask. Yes, this will be a problem in the future. You are asking what is the most inmportant thing in a relationship. The most important things are (1) seeing things from the other person's point of view and (2) giving the other person emotional support when he/she is feeling down. Do the two of you do these things?
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 4 years
OP, There is a whole list of what I call 'serious issues' that two people in a relationship should discuss, such as religion, politics, etc. The more you bring thesee things up in a friendly way, the better. If you need a list of topics, feel free to ask. Yes, this will be a problem in the future. You are asking what is the most inmportant thing in a relationship. The most important things are (1) seeing things from the other person's point of view and (2) giving the other person emotional support when he/she is feeling down. Do the two of you do these things?
pax4pax pax4pax 4 years
You're fine. I would call it your "honeymoon" phase which is normal and will pass. Enjoy it while you have it. Hopefully, your relationship will be based on your real character traits and will grow in respect, love, and honor for each other.
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