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Parents Disapprove of Living With Fiance

Group Therapy: Parents Disapprove of Me Moving in With Fiancé

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I am in a long-distance relationship with my fiancé while I attend graduate school. We are finally in a position where he could move down here with me, but we can't get married until this summer. When my parents found out they were very upset. 

Both are very religious and are insulted by the idea of their daughter "living in sin." It would have a pretty big stigma with my entire family and hometown community. Also, when I went to graduate school, my parents bought a condo in the town that I live in and pay rent. So the idea that we would be living together in their condo . . .

Anyways, I'd appreciate some insight on how to communicate to my parents that this is something that is going to happen, and how to handle the potential fallout.

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MissSushi MissSushi 5 years
Sorry, but the its their condo thing is crap. She clearly states that they were in a better position for a loan for the deed, and that SHE is the one paying for it. My dad cosigned for my first car, but i paid for it and it was MINE. Just like that condo is hers. It's not a gift they gave to her and shes just milking it. I HATE when 30 people post on something without reading the comments or the full story and just jumping the gun. Poster - Just sit down and tell your parents that you truly respect their values, but that they are their values. You have your own set of principles and life goals, and that you as an responsible adult, will be living by those principles. Explain that you love them and everything they've done for you while raising you, but that its time for you to hop the nest. The statement about the kids is correct. Its a fine line on the things you allow your parents to have control over you as an ADULT, and it will continue to grow if you let it. I moved in with my now husband when i was 19. My parents were furious and slandered him. I told them flat out I was an adult, we were in a relationship, and that was that. They didn't talk to me much for 6 months. I stuck by my guns and didn't let anything they said pressure me or make me think twice about my situation. They eventually realized I was an adult, and the decisions were mine to make.
MissSushi MissSushi 5 years
Sorry, but the its their condo thing is crap. She clearly states that they were in a better position for a loan for the deed, and that SHE is the one paying for it. My dad cosigned for my first car, but i paid for it and it was MINE. Just like that condo is hers. It's not a gift they gave to her and shes just milking it. I HATE when 30 people post on something without reading the comments or the full story and just jumping the gun. Poster - Just sit down and tell your parents that you truly respect their values, but that they are their values. You have your own set of principles and life goals, and that you as an responsible adult, will be living by those principles. Explain that you love them and everything they've done for you while raising you, but that its time for you to hop the nest. The statement about the kids is correct. Its a fine line on the things you allow your parents to have control over you as an ADULT, and it will continue to grow if you let it. I moved in with my now husband when i was 19. My parents were furious and slandered him. I told them flat out I was an adult, we were in a relationship, and that was that. They didn't talk to me much for 6 months. I stuck by my guns and didn't let anything they said pressure me or make me think twice about my situation. They eventually realized I was an adult, and the decisions were mine to make.
HollyJRockNRoll HollyJRockNRoll 5 years
Oh, and who doesn't break the rules at the apartment complex? My neighbor smokes pot-clearly that isn't allowed. We aren't suppose to have candles but I certainly have my share of Yankee Candles. Some rules are freaking dumb! Sorry about the rant. I hate the whole living in sin crap.
HollyJRockNRoll HollyJRockNRoll 5 years
Oh, and who doesn't break the rules at the apartment complex? My neighbor smokes pot-clearly that isn't allowed. We aren't suppose to have candles but I certainly have my share of Yankee Candles. Some rules are freaking dumb!Sorry about the rant. I hate the whole living in sin crap.
HollyJRockNRoll HollyJRockNRoll 5 years
I don't understand this "its their condo" crap. Apartment renters-if your landlord suddenly came into your apartment unannounced and took a shower, you'd be mad, right? Why? Because you are renting the freaking place and have rights! This is no difference. The posters parents only did this for her because she couldn't get a loan any other way.
HollyJRockNRoll HollyJRockNRoll 5 years
I don't understand this "its their condo" crap. Apartment renters-if your landlord suddenly came into your apartment unannounced and took a shower, you'd be mad, right? Why? Because you are renting the freaking place and have rights! This is no difference. The posters parents only did this for her because she couldn't get a loan any other way.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
Open communication is usually the answer, but not always. You could tell your parents he just 'visits' you a lot, not that he's actually living there. They'll know you're probably lying, but they may not challenge you on it. Since they know you're getting married, they may be willing to ignore the "living in sin" set up as long as you don't articulate what's actually going on--or rub it in their faces. Let them save face by giving them a way to rationalize it to themselves and they may go for it.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
Open communication is usually the answer, but not always. You could tell your parents he just 'visits' you a lot, not that he's actually living there. They'll know you're probably lying, but they may not challenge you on it. Since they know you're getting married, they may be willing to ignore the "living in sin" set up as long as you don't articulate what's actually going on--or rub it in their faces. Let them save face by giving them a way to rationalize it to themselves and they may go for it.
KrisB KrisB 5 years
I agree with everyone else that it's disrespectful to bring your fiance to live in your parents condo when they don't agree with it. There is no way to handle the fall out. They have expressed how they feel, you and your fiance obviously don't care and he will be moving in anyway. Sticky situation. The only thing to do is make your decision, stick with it and move on. I'm sure they will love you no matter what, sin and all. lol. Time is your best bet, remember they can't be mad forever.
KrisB KrisB 5 years
I agree with everyone else that it's disrespectful to bring your fiance to live in your parents condo when they don't agree with it. There is no way to handle the fall out. They have expressed how they feel, you and your fiance obviously don't care and he will be moving in anyway.Sticky situation. The only thing to do is make your decision, stick with it and move on. I'm sure they will love you no matter what, sin and all. lol. Time is your best bet, remember they can't be mad forever.
Natalie-Love Natalie-Love 5 years
I think everyone is missing the point that her parents bought this condo and now rent it to her. Do your landlords have say in who you have sex with? Fuck no...If my landlord came to me and told me "I know you're paying for this place but it's MINE, and I don't like that boyfriend of yours coming and having sex in MY house", you guys think it's alright?They're being bossy because they think they still have control over their daughter, and the house is just an excuse...
Natalie-Love Natalie-Love 5 years
I think everyone is missing the point that her parents bought this condo and now rent it to her. Do your landlords have say in who you have sex with? Fuck no... If my landlord came to me and told me "I know you're paying for this place but it's MINE, and I don't like that boyfriend of yours coming and having sex in MY house", you guys think it's alright? They're being bossy because they think they still have control over their daughter, and the house is just an excuse...
Studio16 Studio16 5 years
If they're paying for your condo, then they get to decide who lives there. I disagreed with the above poster's statement "imagine what it will be like when you have kids." Unless they're paying for your kids, it certainly won't be the same thing. Their house. Their rules. Deal with it or leave.
Studio16 Studio16 5 years
If they're paying for your condo, then they get to decide who lives there. I disagreed with the above poster's statement "imagine what it will be like when you have kids." Unless they're paying for your kids, it certainly won't be the same thing. Their house. Their rules. Deal with it or leave.
theCatsPajamas theCatsPajamas 5 years
You're an adult, you're in a committed, adult relationship. Your parents gave you a condo to live in, that was very nice of them to do, but you absolutely cannot let them call the shots in your life. If your parents feel that holding the deed to the condo that YOU pay for means that they can dictate your lifestyle, then you should nip that in the bud right now. Imagine what it will be like when you have kids! It's time to sit down with your parents and tell them that you are aware of their concerns and you understand them, but you and your partner have made the decision to live together before the wedding. If living with your boyfriend means your parents will kick you out of the condo, then tell them you're sorry to hear that, and go get your own place. Most likely, your parents won't turn you out into the street. Then you draw the line in the sand and refuse to engage in conversations about your relationship.
theCatsPajamas theCatsPajamas 5 years
You're an adult, you're in a committed, adult relationship. Your parents gave you a condo to live in, that was very nice of them to do, but you absolutely cannot let them call the shots in your life.If your parents feel that holding the deed to the condo that YOU pay for means that they can dictate your lifestyle, then you should nip that in the bud right now. Imagine what it will be like when you have kids! It's time to sit down with your parents and tell them that you are aware of their concerns and you understand them, but you and your partner have made the decision to live together before the wedding.If living with your boyfriend means your parents will kick you out of the condo, then tell them you're sorry to hear that, and go get your own place. Most likely, your parents won't turn you out into the street. Then you draw the line in the sand and refuse to engage in conversations about your relationship.
lickety-split lickety-split 5 years
you can get married now. go to the court house and get married; done. you'll be just as married as if you had the big expensive wedding.i had a friend that did this and only told her parents (they were throwing a fit). then, 2 years later they had their big wedding. by the time they got married in front of everyone, most people knew. but it was important to them that they had the big party. it was a fun wedding.l everyone happy.
lickety-split lickety-split 5 years
you can get married now. go to the court house and get married; done. you'll be just as married as if you had the big expensive wedding. i had a friend that did this and only told her parents (they were throwing a fit). then, 2 years later they had their big wedding. by the time they got married in front of everyone, most people knew. but it was important to them that they had the big party. it was a fun wedding.l everyone happy.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 5 years
My parents, though not particularly religious, have very traditional values and are against me living with anyone until I'm married. My relationship with my parents is just so important to me that I decided to just play by their rules and wait it out. I figure that, once we're married we'll be living together for some 60 years, so I can stick it out a few more months to keep all of those relationships harmonius.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 5 years
My parents, though not particularly religious, have very traditional values and are against me living with anyone until I'm married. My relationship with my parents is just so important to me that I decided to just play by their rules and wait it out. I figure that, once we're married we'll be living together for some 60 years, so I can stick it out a few more months to keep all of those relationships harmonius.
DazzleDe DazzleDe 5 years
Even though you are paying rent on the condo, it still is in your parents' name. It's THEIR condo and you are TENANT. So, yes, their roof, their rules. I don't agree with the suggestion of getting a quit claim deed or special warranty deed in your name, because even if you did that, the mortgage would still be in your parents name and would still be your parents responsiblity if you defaulted. If you are not in a position where you can outright buy it and have your name on the mortgage as long as you live there, you are living under your parents roof. And you didn't even mention if your parents were going to pay for the wedding, because do you really want to piss them off and then turn around and expect them to pay for the wedding? I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like you are living independently of your folks so you can't really throw the fact that you are an adult in their faces.
HollyJRockNRoll HollyJRockNRoll 5 years
Poster, I reread your comment again. I didn't catch it being financially harder on them part. Here is what you say to them: Mom and Dad, I love and respect you. I appreciate what you have done for me. I need you to accept the fact that I am getting married. I love this man. I want us to start our lives together and I want to do it in the condo that I AM paying for. I don't want to make things hard for you, but you are making things harder for me. I am officially asking for you to transfer the deed into my name so you can feel free of helping me "live in sin" with my fiance. If you don't want to accept my offer, I am giving you two months notice about moving out. I love you, but I will not allow you to force your religious beliefs on me. I am an adult, which you raised. Please have some faith that you raised me right and that I know what I am doing.
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