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A Picture Is Worth a Thousand Words

Dear Sugar
I think my boyfriend might be gay. We have been dating for four months and before we met, he was happily married for five years. He claims that every relationship he has been in has ended with him getting hurt. The other day I was using his computer while he was at work and came across some pictures that threw me for a loop.

The first picture I saw was a man giving my boyfriend oral sex and I just couldn't bring myself to look at the rest. My boyfriend is very close with all of his guy friends and I once asked him if he was gay in a very joking manner, before I saw the pictures, and he said he had no emotional or physical attraction to men and that he loved me.

I took his word to heart and we moved on. Since I was technically snooping on his computer, I don’t know how to bring up what I found. I need to know the truth but I am having a hard time even being around him, let alone talking to him. I don’t want to be put at risk for getting hurt physically or emotionally but feel that if he has been hiding his sexuality he might need a friend. What should I do? Surprised Sasha

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Surprised Sasha
I am sorry to hear you are going through this, but you are right, you need answers. As shocked as you are right now, pictures don’t lie so it looks like your boyfriend has been deceiving you and maybe even himself. Many men experiment with their sexuality but it sounds as though you have had your doubts for quite some time.

What made you ask him before seeing these pictures if he was gay? Are you in an open relationship? Do you know when that picture was taken? Although you were snooping, you still have every right to get the facts. Hiding one's sexuality can be extremely trying so perhaps in a sense outing him will be beneficial for your boyfriend in the long run.

Try talking to him in a very safe environment with a loving voice as he will most likely feel put on the spot. Being his friend is the best thing you can do, so reassure him you are not angry with him or planning on turning your back. Hopefully he will confide in you and you can get the answers you need. Good luck.

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Join The Conversation
Nadie Nadie 9 years
He sounds a lot like my boyfriend, apart from, my boyfriend is very open about his bisexuality, as am I about mine. A lot of people find it hard to understand how two bisexual people can be together and often say ignorant or hurtful things. But for us, it's the same as any normal relationship- we're not in an open relationship or anything like that and we both consider anything sexual with anyone else as cheating. So perhaps the photos were old? Or maybe he doesn't feel like he's cheating since it was being done to him. He could be bisexual and just doesn't feel like he can tell you?
tifygodess24 tifygodess24 9 years
Dito on that. He may be Bi-sexual, anything is possible but you do have the right to know if anything has happened- especially in the relationship. If he is having contact with other men he may not see that as cheating since its with someone of the same sex - yes that sounds weird but alot of people do think that way especially if they are not ready to admit or are ashamed that they are attracted to the opposite sex. It may have also been a one time thing and since you dont know how long ago it was maybe he doesnt want to open up about it . Some men dont feel that they maybe gay or bisexual if they are the "giver" with other men ( sorry if thats somewhat crude ) but he may be confused and just doesnt know .But the picture thing does get me. Most people dont usually keep "experimental" pictures especially something like that so who knows.But you NEED to Say something - if he gets mad oh well. Better to find out now then WAY too late down the road.
getstinko getstinko 9 years
cgmaetc is 100% on. if anything he should be direct with you about being bisexual. You are at a very high risk with this fellow - guys who are active with other guys can have sex anytime all the time with multiple other guy partners - it puts you at tremendous risk. Do not engage in sexual contact with this man.
cgmaetc cgmaetc 9 years
Whatever! This is about more than your heart... your health is at stake! If your man is having unprotected sex with men or women and you two aren't using protection, then you are at risk for countless diseases, including AIDS. Just tell him the truth, you were on the computer and found these pics and you demand an explanation. Why would you want to be with a man who is willing to put your safety at risk? -the ceeg
t0xxic t0xxic 9 years
u can go back and look at when the pic was added to his pc just by holding the mouse over the image. You were using his pc and you found it. Just simply say that. Hey I was bored I was on ur pc looking at ur pics and bam. Whats the deal. This worries me. but def find out when the pic was added tell him to get an idea if it was b4 or during ur relationship. u could also just open the file back up show and ask him. GL ------ only 13 days to go
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