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Pillow Talk: Infidelity and Second Chances

Marriages fail for many complicated reasons, and infidelity is often one of the most dramatic. According to a study published in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 25% of men and 15% of women have had affairs. And, according to a national private investigators survey, 85% of female clients and up to 50% of male clients were correct about their suspicions of unfaithfulness.

Can couples survive after an infidelity? Despite the heartbreak and anger, couples do find significant reasons to believe the relationship can still succeed. Some couples who choose to work through the underlying issues report developing a more solid bond than before the crisis.

What do you think? Can you imagine making it through an infidelity? Have you made it through one? Would you want to? I know this topic is sure to hit a few nerves out there, so give us your comments below.

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Join The Conversation
honey31 honey31 8 years
You girls have so courage and I applaud you for that because I could not stay in the relationship with my man if he cheated on me.Gets I'm so glad that you would not cheat on your wife.
Thehills101 Thehills101 8 years
My hubby and I have been through so much...we have given each other lots of chances and now things couldn't be better...so yes I believe in second chances ♥јεήή♥
mandiesoh mandiesoh 8 years
oh wow puddlejumper, that must be awful. i hope you'll be able to sort it out soon. :hug:
puddlejumper puddlejumper 8 years
I have been married for 8 years, have two beautiful children and a husband that cheated on me. I found out last August that he had been having an affair for almost a year. He claims it was just sex, that he wasn't getting it from me, so he found it elsewhere. He claims he had to be talked into it. The affair was instigated by drugs. She did them and so was he. She was supplying him to get what she wanted and he was getting what he claims he NEEDED. She has gone to jail for drug charges, so she is out of our lives now, but the hurt the mistrust is all still there. I have for the moment chosen to stay for several reasons, but I feel like I'll never be able to trust him again. I drive myself crazy over analyzing everything, and I find myself having sex with him just so he won't go somewhere else. It's very confusing.
MegLahr MegLahr 8 years
When my husband left on his first deployment I sent out a text on his phone to everyone in his address book say "hey it's Matt's wife here's my cell number if you have any questions" etc. I got a text back from this chick telling me that I was not his wife I was just his roommate and that if I was his wife how could he talk to her on the phone and on-line all night long. So I hacked my way into my hubby's e-mail and read everything they had sent back and forth to each other. His first call home to tell me he was alright I screamed and cried and and not because I missed him. It was strange though because I always thought that would be it. If I ever found out he was cheating on me even a little bit I would walk. That thought never crossed my mind. The only thought I really had was "Oh honey what have you done." It's been over a year since then. I had a few months when I was drinking pretty heavy and I kissed another guy just to see what it was like to cheat. (I hated it by the way.) My husband knows and we have moved on. We're better then ever. I can tell him anything and he can tell me anything. I know in my heart that he will never let it go that far again, and I will do the same.
getstinko getstinko 8 years
I could never stand to touch my wife again if I knew she went outside of our marriage. It would break my heart to know she'd been intimate with another man while pretending to be true to me. I would never cheat because it would crush me to know I'd hurt her. I think marriages can survive after infidelity, mine wouldn't - I couldn't bear to spend time with a woman I love so much knowing that she'd have a place in her heart or body for someone else.
mandiesoh mandiesoh 8 years
yea, it was the emotional betrayal that was tough. esp since i knew the girl. its so hard to trust someone completely and then realise that it was a big mistake in the end. im glad therapy worked out for you kiddyInd. it has got to be hard, but im rooting for you! you guys can make it thru this if you've come this far :)
kiddylnd kiddylnd 8 years
What you have to realize though is that your partner being sexually intimate with someone else is not always where the hurt lies. The hurt comes with any EMOTIONAL attachment your partner may have built with someone they have an affair with. The causes for an affair vary, and although in Mandisoh's case he got bored, that is not necessarily always the case. In my particular instance there were issues he had going into our relationship that he never resolved and then we went through a rough patch because neither of us quite knew how to approach a long term commitment. The girl he chose to cheat with looked like me, acted like me, and otherwise "replaced" me in so much as he didn't have to think about our issues together while with her. This is all being worked out in therapy right now. We really do feel closer right now. So for me, the physical wasn't the part to get past, it was the emotional which is still hard for me at times.
honey31 honey31 8 years
I personally would not take my man back if he ever cheated on me but that's just me!
mandiesoh mandiesoh 8 years
thanks Dear! i'm glad for myself too! lol. its true, i do think its an essential "lesson of life", and im probably better off having experienced it too! :)
DearSugar DearSugar 8 years
mandiesoh -- it's all one long learning curve, i think. i honestly believe there are some 'mistakes' we never make again. or we shorten the mistake time until we see it & cut bait right as it's happening. that said, i am glad you're done with that man & see him clearly. well done.
mandiesoh mandiesoh 8 years
my ex cheated on me and i gave him a chance. in fact, i wanted him back. it didnt help that the girl was someone i knew, and being the trusting fool, i encouraged them to hand out and stuff thinking they were just good "buddies". i hated the fact that they made me look so stupid. but somehow, we still got back tog. now that the whole drama is long over, i realise that the underlying issue with the cheating was that he got BORED. that does not justify anything, and it makes him an A+ jerk in my book. it didnt work out in the end cos the trust wasn't there anymore. everything he said, i would doubt. and he didnt change his attitude at all. he was sorry at first, but gradually he found lost of things to justify it, and even BLAMED ME for being BORING! now its over i cant believe i was so blind! eek!
anabj anabj 8 years
No, unless you are unfaithful too. He has a second when he has to make a decision: you cheat and you hurt someone who thinks you love her/him, or you don´t cheat. If you choose to cheat I think you don´t give enough value to your relationship, and that it isn´t going to work anymore, no as she or he deserves.
LEX0 LEX0 8 years
I'VE BEEN CHEATED 0N IN MY 2 RELATI0NSHIPS THAT I'VE HAD & THE CURRENT 0NE... LAST YEAR MY GUY WAS HAVING A FULL BL0WN AFFAIR, L0L EVEN TH0 WE WERENT MARRIED BUT I FELT LIKE IT WAS A BIT MUCH, LIKE HE DID REALLY 0UTRAGE0US THINGS THAT HURT ME REALLY BAD! WE BR0KE UP F0R A M0NTH & I HAD DECIDED I WASNT G0NNA TALK T0 HIM ANYM0RE @ LEAST I WASNT G0NNA BE THE 0NE 2 CALL FIRST, HE CALLED FIRST & I WAS S0 HAPPY 2 TALK 2 HIM F0R S0ME REAS0N, I HADNT F0RG0T WHAT HE DID, BUT HE INVITED ME 0VER T0 TALK IT 0UT & EVER SINCE THEN I FEEL LIKE 0UR RELATI0NSHIP HAS GR0WN S0 MUCH! HES D0ING THINGS I NEVER TH0UGHT HE W0ULD, SAYING THINGS I NEVER TH0UGHT HE W0ULD SAY! HE HAS THIS "BAD GUY" IMAGE & DEEP INSIDE I KN0W HE HAS THE SWEET-HEART CAPABILITIES! AND HE'S SH0WING THAT N0W! S0 I G0T PAST IT, BUT IT T00K AN EFF0RT FR0M ME & HIM! S0 YEA, THATS MY ST0RY!!
kiddylnd kiddylnd 8 years
Well, my bf and I are going through this right now. There ARE a lot of factors, and a lot of hurt. We are seeing a couples counselor and are pretty confident that this will just be a bump in the road. We've been together for 7 years, and he didn't just make out with someone. No offense, but that seems pretty minor when you are living with someone and they are sexually intimate with someone else. We are finding that we are becoming closer now, and are better able to deal with things and each other. As strange as this sounds, we will actually come out of this way stronger. We're planning on getting married next year and having a baby. We both are being cautious about proceeding, but with the counselor we are better able to see what and more importantly WHO we want - each other.
LaLaLaurie06 LaLaLaurie06 8 years
I agree. Many factors play a part. My boyfriend and I had just started doing a long-distance thing and after a month he got all weird, telling me he was a bad boyfriend and he didn't know why I was with him (this last thing he did throughout our entire bout of dating) and then he called me one day and said he had made out with some other girl. It really hurt me. Like REALLY hurt me. I was depressed for about two months while we tried to work it out before I realized that it wasn't fair to me. I was over in my state picking out apartments for us and he was shoving his tongue down someone else's throat in his state. It didn't help that I knew what she looked like and thought she was way prettier, too. Working it out long-distance wasn't cutting it, so I broke up with him. I felt like it had all happened for a reason and then I ended up meeting someone else. If it's meant to be with the ex, then it's meant to be, but I didn't have the energy to continue pumping up his ego and taking care of him and worrying about what he was going to do next when I was the one who needed the help and support and love. And cheating on someone isn't the way to show them you love them.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
I think that this is one of those issues that depends on a lot of factors. For example, if you are married with kids, and the infidelity is relatively minor, I think you can recover - and should try to recover, for the sake of the kids. Also, I know of a very happy couple who has gotten through infidelity. It was something that happened in college and they were super young and had just started dating, and losing her made him realize she was the one. He really fought hard to get her back and they dated a few years before they finally got married. They are totally happy and have been for years. I have had a couple boyfriends cheat, and I haven't tried to make it work. I broke up with both of them because of lots of reasons. I personally think it would be a huge struggle for me to work through infidelity. I think I would always wonder afterwards and be super paranoid. I wouldn't want to live my life always wondering/afraid. The only time I could see myself trying to work it out was if I had children. Otherwise I'd give the boot.
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