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Is It Possible to Be Friends With an Ex?

Group Therapy: Can We Be Just Friends?

This is an excerpt from a Group Therapy question in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My ex is wanting to be friends. It's hard for me to decide if I'm ready for that. If I'm ready for the friends after dating thing. We were dating for quite some time and he broke up with me. I was absolutely heartbroken. I cried for a week almost. I thought that we had a good relationship together, we didn't fight or have many disagreements. When he broke up with me he actually said he wanted someone who would stand up against him on things, someone who he could have a good argument with. It surprised me! It made me think that he wanted to be in a relationship with a b*tch? It makes no sense to me? What can that mean? The point is now he wants to be friends, but for some reason I still have that thought of wanting to be with him. I still feel that I love him.

We have been texting and talking on the phone. I haven't actually hung out with him just yet 'cause I don't really know his true intentions. Most of the time it's just about random things, like off the wall stuff, but I feel like he might be trying to really get to know me sometimes. And they are actually good conversations. But every once in a while it can get a tad sexual. And sex was one thing we were always able to connect on. He has mentioned that sex is the last thing he is focused on with me. That he wants to be able to maintain a positive friendship. I guess what I'm asking is if in this situation, would you be friends with your ex who you still care about?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it, anonymously, to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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onion-waffle onion-waffle 6 years
I'm in a similar situation. This couldn't have come at a better time. JoeTyndall, I'd love to know the list of questions, myself!
Sundown321 Sundown321 6 years
If he dumped you and still wants to be friends, it's selfish. Plus, you may be friends now, but there is a very very good chance that when he meets someone else she is not going to be cool with the friendship and ask him to stop contacting you. Then you will be hurt all over again.
redjupe44 redjupe44 6 years
I personally don't think you should stay friends with him. You'll think that he might want something more, and then you when you least expect it, he'll mention a girl he is seeing and you'll feel heartbroken again. Believe me, it's hard, but don't do it. It will be too painful and old emotions will surface.
Skeptic52 Skeptic52 6 years
Good point...it does matter who dumped who.
LittleMzFit LittleMzFit 6 years
It depends on who dumped whom. Also, I would say go ahead & be friends (if you're both mature & feel ready), or suggest get back together, but no in between. He can't have his cake & eat it, too.
browneyedgirl90 browneyedgirl90 6 years
I'm friends with all the guys I've dated/been intimate with except for one. He and I dated seriously on and off for over a year, and he hurt me very badly and said things that no true friend, let alone, boyfriend would ever say. He has bugged me in the past to be friends and that he would like to hear from me more often. Hell no. I can say that I've been over him for a while. I just don't care for his personality and find him to be very annoying (if only I realized this over a year ago!) I don't wish him any harm, he is dating another girl, and I don't really care. What I'm trying to say is this. Do whatever makes you comfortable. If you feel hesitant about anything, don't do it. Don't let him force you into anything. Put YOURSELF first. If that means not keeping in touch with him, that's perfectly fine. Friends with exes is pretty much unnecessary I think, unless you have a child together or a serious obligation like that.
Skeptic52 Skeptic52 6 years
I'm with Bailey Bloom on this one. If you're ready, you're ready. If it's uncomfortable, you're not. Don't do something you're not comfortable with. And, don't be friends unless you're completely over it. My bff in college always ended up miserably back together with her awful bf bc he'd pretend to be friendly while they were broken up. She could never move past him, until she cut him out completely. It made it impossible for her to find a new, good boyfriend, because he was always around to ruin it. He either chased off cute, nice guys, or he had her so confused that she couldn't put her heart into a new relationship. Not to mention, you never HAVE to be friends with an ex. Once you're older, you realize that's completely unnecessary for the most part. I actually don't know anyone who has had to go through that after college. Even in college it wasn't necessary. So, don't feel obligated.
totygoliguez totygoliguez 6 years
I would not be friends with an ex I still have feelings for. It is not healthy for me. For me, it is easier to move on if I don't have contact with him. Why would you want to make this break up harder? Your obviously not over him. If I were you, I wouldn't be having any contact with my ex, period.
karlotta karlotta 6 years
would you be friends with your ex who you still care about? > Nope. Such a bad idea!
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 6 years
I agree with the above posters. Trying to move forward with a friendship will be like pouring salt on your wounds. Ditch the texting & talking. You can have a friendship with him someday, but you need to be over him first.
lickety-split lickety-split 6 years
Stick to what you've got going now. It's probably nice to connect in a no strings way with someone you have a history with. If he pushes for more INSIST that this is all you are interested in right now. And start dating a bit. That's for YOU, not to forget him, just for YOU.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 6 years
LIsten to what everyone said above. Everyone made all of the points I would have made and more. Just tell him you are not ready. Really, it takes a few months to get over someone completely, especially if you are not dating someone else at the moment and are lonely. As everyone said, when you are truly happy that he is with someone else, that is the sign that you are ready to be friends, if that is what you want. I think he misses your companionship and the sex, and he does want that, but it doesn't translate to a relationship. He basically wants everything he had with you, but also the freedom to date whoever he wants. Well, don't we all. That's not how it works, he doesn't get it all right now. Break-ups mean loss on BOTH sides, and he needs to learn that too. Focus on yourself, your friends and get involved in other things that you enjoy doing. Most importantly, NO CONTACT, as BB said. I agree that you need to grow a backbone.....well, this is a good place to start. I know it sounds like a cliche', but you will be a better, stronger person for it. Good luck!
Bailey-Bloom Bailey-Bloom 6 years
And if he really wants to be with you, you guys would be together already. He's not going to use friendship as a way to get back to you because he is the dumper not the dumpee. The dumpee will usually use this as way to get back. Some ex's want to be friends because they still care and probably love you in an unromantic way kinda like friends who love each other. Or they are used to you being around so they miss that. It's normal. But don't confuse it with romantic love and wanting to get back together. It's hard, but seriously, it will get better and he will become part of the list of men you will meet.
Bailey-Bloom Bailey-Bloom 6 years
Simple, only be friends when you are completely over him. For example, he tells you he has a new girlfriend and all you feel is happiness or indifference. It's call NO CONTACT. No emailing, facebooking, stalking, phoning, no contact whatsoever until you get over him. If you do, you are prolonging your misery and will be missing out on good opportunities like a hot guy.
schnuppi schnuppi 6 years
Ok, first of all you ask what he could mean when he said that he wants someone he can have an argument with. No, it doesn't mean that he wants a b*tch, it means that he wants someone who has a backbone. You write that you always agreed on everything and never had a fight. That really isn't necessarily a good thing hun! It sounds to me that you might not have figured out what you want for yourself or that you are so focused on pleasing your bf that you don't care about your own needs. Being in a relationship with someone like that can be sometimes very tiring and exhausting and I can understand that your bf didn't want that. You write that you have the feeling that he wants to get to know you when he calls so I think that is a good thing. Maybe in the time you were together he felt like he didn't know you because you didn't tell him your opinion and now that you are not together anymore he tries to find out what you are about. Generally a good idea, however, you should find out what his intentions are. Is he trying to get back with you as soon as he "knows" you? That whole friendship thing wont work if one or both of you aren't completely over each other (I don't think you are)
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 6 years
OP, I have a long list of questions you need to ask him. Let me know if you want a copy of the list.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years
Easy. Ask yourself this, if your ex told you he just met this most beautiful girl in the world and that he knew that he wants to marry her, will you feel hurt/sad? Or, will you get upset if he told you that he's sleeping/dating another girl? If you even hesitate to answer (beside the obvious 'yes' answer), then you're not over him and most likely not ready to be his friend. I'm not your ex so I can't tell what his intention is, he may want to have a fwb (b/c you mentioned how you guys connect with sex)--which will suck for you because he doesn't even consider you to be the gf material while you're still not quite over him, or he may want to get back together (and if you even have an inkling of hope of this happening--again, you're not ready to be friends with him) or he just wants to be friends since he's lonely--which is kind of risky because you guys may fall into sex/fwb to 'comfort' each other... Anyhow. My suggestion is for you to actually be honest with him. Tell him that you're not quite ready yet to be his friend because you're not 100% over him. Tell him you appreciate his offer of friendship and thought that you could do it easy, but it turned out to not be too easy because of remnants of old feelings. And you'd rather be honest and get some more space and time to get over him rather than pretend/lie and then get your heart broken again. If he lets you go, then it means that he actually cares enough about you and actually wants to be just friends with you. Who knows, he may want to ask you out for a real date again. Perhaps he's realized the error of his ways and your being honest with him may push him in your direction. Good luck.
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