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Pregnant With Another Man's Baby

Group Therapy: Pregnant With Another Man's Child

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community.

I know I am not the only one who has been in this situation. I have been in a common-law marriage for almost 19 years. We have three children together: 18, 15, 10. My relationship with him can only be described as "rocky." We separated once for over a year but decided to get back together.

A few years ago I found out that my husband was on cocaine. I guess I chose to ignore it and thought it will get better. It didn't. Things only got worse between us. We fought all the time, never agreed with each other, didn't even have sex. Five years ago I started a relationship with someone from my past, an ex boyfriend. He knew I was in a relationship. But we didn't care. We had a sexual relationship off and on for five years. During those years, he had a child with another woman and my husband went to rehab and relapsed several times. He is currently 30 days sober. Despite all this we continued to have a relationship.

Sometimes I felt that we had more than sexual attraction. I don't know if he felt the same way, he never told me. I found out recently that I am pregnant. I know 100 percent that it is not my husband's child, we weren't having sex. I told my husband that I am pregnant, I am not sure if he was so high the past few months that he doesn't remember that we weren't having sex and thinks it is his, or is just ignoring the fact. I told the father of the child but he doesn't want anything to do with the baby. He gave me half the money to have an abortion. I went but I couldn't go through with it.

I am scared and not sure what I should do. Tell my husband that this child isn't his and send him back into relapse? I have texted the father of the child a few times, but all he writes me back is that he hates himself, his life, and his choices and he wants to kill himself. He doesn't care if I keep the baby or not or what I do. I texted him today and told him that I wish I could talk to him face to face and get everything off my chest, he agreed only because he says he has nothing to say to me, he texted everything he wanted to say and has nothing more to offer. I don't know if I should meet him or not.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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pax4pax pax4pax 4 years
Think of this child as a blessing, a new life, a new chance. Adoption is a viable alternative. Truly, if this man has found Christ, he will accept his role in this child as it you did not create him/her alone. So, talk to him about that. Ask him to ask his pastor.
henna-red henna-red 4 years
Living, loving your children, focusing on your health and happiness and their health and happiness is not a horrible choice. Learning that it's not a horrible choice but a healthy choice is your next lesson. Valueing yourself will teach your children to value you and to value themselves. Protecting yourself and them is absolutely the best choice you can make. You are losing something but gaining also. I hope that you are looking for all of the physical and emotional support possible for yourself and for your kids, for the new baby. I know you say you don't think you can let your baby go for adoption. I totally understand that. If you don't think you have the financial ability to carry and raise this baby, then I hope you will try to get past the intense emotional connections and look at the possiblity of adoption. You have a choice to keep your child right up to the last moment. Perhaps, finding a couple who are available for loving and raising your child in a stable home, could help you while you are in this difficult situation. There are so many people wanting kids who are not capable of having them, and could give your child financially, what you may have difficulty providing. It can't hurt you to look into the possiblity. Anyway, it's just a suggestion. I wish you love in your life, and strength for you and for your kids as you make these choices, and work to make a loving home for you all. Believe in yourself. I believe in you. Your kids believe in you. The universal force believes in you, (however you see it). Be ready for light, for love. The universe sends to you what you expect, so expect good, expect love, expect all of the things you need. The universe returns to you what you send into it, so send love, love, love. Love of yourself, of your kids. You can love people who are not capable of loving themselves, of loving you, but loving does not need to mean accepting wrong behavior, or harmful choices. Some things and people that you love, you let be free and love them from a distance because you can't always love their choices. I hope this all make sense. You need hope, and love in your life. Give them away and you will get them back. Blessed be, love to you
amiranda2 amiranda2 4 years
Thank you all for your posts and advice. I know deserve the harsh comments made. I do love my children very much and realize that I neglected them to try to make make myself happy. I still have not told my common law husband. Since my last post he has yet again relapsed. I cannot keep letting my kids go through this with him and I refuse to let this child grow up in that environment. The father of the baby has since "found christ" and times will text me scriptures of the bible. He wants to know what I plan to do with the baby, he encouraged adoption at one point because I told him I wasn't sure if I wanted it. I do want to have this baby. I couldn't have an abortion I do not think I can go through with an adoption. I still feel that he doesnt want anyone to know I am pregnant and this his baby. He even wanted me stop calling it "his baby" he says its only my baby. I know he doesnt want me, and never did. I just was just easy and convenient sex for him I realize that now. I plan on telling everyone and face the consequences whether the father of my baby wants me to or not. I am going to make him pay child support and concentrate on my children and my self. I am ready for whatever punishment I may receive for this horrible choice I have made.
desote1 desote1 4 years
i have a friend who has gone through a similar experience he husband was on coke really bad and she felt neglected, so she latched on to the first man that took notice in her ( his brother) she ended up leaving her husband and trying to start a new with his brother. She got pregnant and even told her husband it wasn't his to get him to leave her alone, but they had 2 children together and was always coming over to see them. Finally she left the brother and got back with the husband. Thew brother said that he didin't care what she did with the child so she left him and moved to another state with her husband to start over. She esplicidly told him that the baby will not know another father and if he treated the baby bad that she would leave him and that she would do everything on her own. Today they are together and happy they just don't talk about the past .;;
katialoves katialoves 5 years
its time to separate from your addict husband and find a safe place to live for you and your three kids. its necessary to recognize that all of your kids want to know their dads. you might have to be extra supportive of the young one who's dad may not ever meet him/her. obviously abortion is not the answer for you since you couldn't do it. it must be tempting to try to get the new guy to be with you but realistically since you are not a druggie you deserve much better than either of them. for the next few years concentrate on yourself and your family, making good choices and spending wisely if necessary. dont waste time on random or loser guys/relationships until you truly have time. in regards to the new baby daddy, could you notify his family of the baby when its born, they might encourage him to meet it
juicebox07 juicebox07 5 years
I think onlysourcherry said it quite well! And LOL @spacekatgal :P
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 5 years
I agree with Vanonymous. You have made a series of terrible choices that are impacting every person you mentioned, worst of all your children. what struck me in your post is how absent your children are from this terrible destructive circle you've created, combined with the fact that you are now resolved to bring yet another child into it. I think you need to tell your common law husband and move out. Maybe there is hope for the two of you when he gets sober and you get mentally well. You need to leave the father of your current baby alone. He doesn't want you. Then you need to figure out how you are going to support four children on your own. Focus on raising them and making their lives as normal as possible in this situation.
Vanonymous Vanonymous 5 years
I would say forget the men and the "relationships" you want and focus on the three (soon to be four) children. I'm not trying to be harsh, but when I think about your 10 year old dealing with a dad in rehab, I can't even figure out how you had the time to be having an ongoing affair. Get the financial help you can (b/c he does owe that to you) and then focus on improving your children's lives.
Raynne413 Raynne413 5 years
I definitely think that you need to make sure your common law husband is aware of the fact that the child is not his. He could possibly still be willing to care for and raise the baby because of his love for you. But I don't think you should use your "fear of a relapse" as a way to keep from telling him. Definitely meet with the father of the baby. If worse comes to worse and he still feels that he just doesn't care, at least you made every effort to have him in your child's life, and you can't do much more.
luckyduckyy luckyduckyy 5 years
It seems as though you still want to be in something more than a sexual relationship with a man. You're holding onto a really ridiculous and hopeful idea that you and the man can live happily ever after together with the baby. Well, where does that leave you and your children? Where does that leave your husband? Even though he has an addiction, that doesn't mean you should leave him. However, you've already strayed from your marriage, so that's kind of a moot point. There's not much you can do about that, unless you're willing to save your marriage. That means honesty with your husband, opting to get counselling for each other, efforts to never contact the other man again, and you need to let your husband know that he can get better and so can you, too. What you should also do, which is more important than anything else, is to end all contact with the other man. You must get rid of your immature idea that you two can be together. You need to let reality hit you already, and understand that the two of you can never be together because he never wanted you in any other way except sexually. I mean, what kind of man goes after a married woman? The kind of man who knows there will be no commitment. He didn't go after you because he wanted you so badly. He didn't stay with you because he loved you. He went after you because you were weak, vulnerable, and receptive to an affair. He stayed with you because you were convenient, it was thrilling to have an affair with a married woman, and he felt that he was so irresistible to you (because you were willing to risk everything for him). So drop him. He doesn't want you. You made a huge mistake in the first place, but it's not too late to fix things. And don't ever try to shift blame on your husband. That's what cheaters seem to do nowadays. They cheat, put blame on their partners to lessen their guilt, and then they refuse to take part in the blame. Understand that you're mostly to blame, and that your husband was partly to blame but didn't deserve to be cheated on. Well that's all the advice I have for now. The rest is up to you, because I really don't know what you can do with that child. If you keep it, you can't stay with your husband. You won't have the other man, either. Your children will probably resent you. The baby will grow up confused. You'll have lots of baggage, so who knows about finding another partner. If you abort the baby....gosh I just don't know. You really got yourself in a pickle :(
passion8 passion8 5 years
i would invest all the engery and time in fixing/healing your self check out women who love to much and look online at amazon.com for books and invest it where it counts think of yourself like a bank account, if you take from you to give to him your depleting your money but if you put back in to you your increasing your money so to speak, invest in yourself and the issues that led up to accepting or living a life of choices like this, because this is not okay, your a grown woman
pax4pax pax4pax 5 years
Meet him. Put the baby first in your conversation; perhaps that will motivate him to get a life and take responsibility. Make sure he knows that his disinterest in the baby will not affect your getting financial support from him for the child, and wishing for fatherly support. Your current fellow should know and, if that sends him back on the drugs, then, so be it. You can live in a make-believe world just so he can stay clean. He has to "man-up" and take responsibility for himself.
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