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Relationship Protocol: How Do You Keep the Romance Alive When You're Not Getting It On?

Relationship Protocol: How Do You Keep the Romance Alive When You're Not Getting It On?

Over the weekend I asked you all to tell me how important sex is in your relationship, and I was surprised to see that it's an infrequent act for many of you. Sure, once the honeymoon period subsides, it's normal for that initial lust to die down, but if you're not connecting physically, there must be other ways you stay in tune with one another. So ladies, tell me, how do you keep the fire, passion, and intimacy alive in your relationship when you're not getting it on?

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lemonlady lemonlady 7 years
Chrstne/Bekkachan: I feel your pain. My bf is a software engineer and he's always computering around. Making out is off the table, because it's boring for him, and that really pisses me off, but I'm working with him on it. Baby steps! For other things, I've found I just need to flat out tell him what to do, specifically. General complaints are ineffective. We were at Safeway and I directed him to buy me flowers, for example. Now he brings flowers quite often! When we were long distance, I told him he needed to send nice emails or text messages - and he tried his best to do that, too, and still does! I'm such a romantic, so having to tell him to do simple romantic things bugs me. But if I don't tell him, I honestly think he just doesn't know what to do - romance is not part of the way he learned to communicate. Also, open your eyes to things he does to show his affection - he might be trying in his own way, even if it's not the way you want. Not getting exactly what you want is frustrating, but you have to recognize when the guy is trying, and some guys need more instruction than others. If your guy won't even try, then I agree with others who say it's time to find someone who can give you what you need.
lemonlady lemonlady 7 years
Chrstne/Bekkachan: I feel your pain. My bf is a software engineer and he's always computering around. Making out is off the table, because it's boring for him, and that really pisses me off, but I'm working with him on it. Baby steps! For other things, I've found I just need to flat out tell him what to do, specifically. General complaints are ineffective. We were at Safeway and I directed him to buy me flowers, for example. Now he brings flowers quite often! When we were long distance, I told him he needed to send nice emails or text messages - and he tried his best to do that, too, and still does! I'm such a romantic, so having to tell him to do simple romantic things bugs me. But if I don't tell him, I honestly think he just doesn't know what to do - romance is not part of the way he learned to communicate. Also, open your eyes to things he does to show his affection - he might be trying in his own way, even if it's not the way you want. Not getting exactly what you want is frustrating, but you have to recognize when the guy is trying, and some guys need more instruction than others. If your guy won't even try, then I agree with others who say it's time to find someone who can give you what you need.
Phunkometry Phunkometry 7 years
Sorry, this might be slightly off-topic (albeit related), but I'd just like to say it anyway. My boyfriend of two years broke up with me at the beginning of November, and I realize only now that it's for the best. He was just like Christne/Bekkachan's bf. He was ALWAYS on his computer trying to perfect his music collection. I swear to god, the last two or three months of our relationship was spent with me watching TV and him finding album art for his iTunes! Any time that we would be together, like lying down and cuddling, it always had to lead to sex; otherwise, for him, it just wasn't worth it ("The whole point of making out is to f*ck--I don't want to kiss for an hour!"), and he'd actually get pretty mad. As it turns out, I realize that he wasn't supportive of me at all. (Hindsight is 20/20. My actual vision is 20/400, lol! No, really!) It was always us talking about his problems. If I ever needed to vent, it always turned back around to be about him somehow. I was working and going to school--barely any free days. And he couldn't understand that seeing him at 7 or 8 pm until 1 am was not in my best interest at all. Because then in the mornings I would always be totally unable to wake up or function. And then I'd need to recuperate at night, but then, there we were again! And he only worked on weekends, when most of my free time was. But he wasn't going to school. Taking a semester off, because he "didn't feel like registering" before the semester actually started. But when I called him (btw it was semi-long distance... about 45 min - 1 hr drive... and we both live with our parents, so alone time=limited) it would almost always be him going on about something, and then I'd just begin to talk about something and he'd be like, "listen babe, can I call you back later? I really have to do this album art and it's hard to do it on the phone." And I would say ok, because if I complained he'd have something to say. So before I write too much more, I just want to say, to Christne and bekkachan, if all the effort and support is coming from one side, maybe ending it isn't such a bad thing. I honestly thought my guy was perfect: my whole family and all my friends really liked him, he was very attractive, he was sensitive, a jazz musician, and Italian (like me -- my parents are off the boat so that was a definite plus for them, but, uh, Brooklyn Italian-American guys don't have the best attitudes towards other people, I suppose). We went to school together and we always had the best conversations (as long as they weren't really about serious things... like my feelings), and any sex that we did have was pretty good...? I dunno. When he broke up with me, I was devastated. But that may have been because I was comfortable with everything? But I mean, when a guy not only values himself but also his pet parrots, his trumpet, and his iTunes over you, it's not worth it. (Btw, he broke up with me because he said he was not in love with me anymore. I mean, don't give all you've got if you're not getting anything in return. Sounds selfish, but, in a relationship, it's true.)
Phunkometry Phunkometry 7 years
Sorry, this might be slightly off-topic (albeit related), but I'd just like to say it anyway.My boyfriend of two years broke up with me at the beginning of November, and I realize only now that it's for the best. He was just like Christne/Bekkachan's bf. He was ALWAYS on his computer trying to perfect his music collection. I swear to god, the last two or three months of our relationship was spent with me watching TV and him finding album art for his iTunes! Any time that we would be together, like lying down and cuddling, it always had to lead to sex; otherwise, for him, it just wasn't worth it ("The whole point of making out is to f*ck--I don't want to kiss for an hour!"), and he'd actually get pretty mad.As it turns out, I realize that he wasn't supportive of me at all. (Hindsight is 20/20. My actual vision is 20/400, lol! No, really!) It was always us talking about his problems. If I ever needed to vent, it always turned back around to be about him somehow. I was working and going to school--barely any free days. And he couldn't understand that seeing him at 7 or 8 pm until 1 am was not in my best interest at all. Because then in the mornings I would always be totally unable to wake up or function. And then I'd need to recuperate at night, but then, there we were again! And he only worked on weekends, when most of my free time was. But he wasn't going to school. Taking a semester off, because he "didn't feel like registering" before the semester actually started. But when I called him (btw it was semi-long distance... about 45 min - 1 hr drive... and we both live with our parents, so alone time=limited) it would almost always be him going on about something, and then I'd just begin to talk about something and he'd be like, "listen babe, can I call you back later? I really have to do this album art and it's hard to do it on the phone." And I would say ok, because if I complained he'd have something to say. So before I write too much more, I just want to say, to Christne and bekkachan, if all the effort and support is coming from one side, maybe ending it isn't such a bad thing. I honestly thought my guy was perfect: my whole family and all my friends really liked him, he was very attractive, he was sensitive, a jazz musician, and Italian (like me -- my parents are off the boat so that was a definite plus for them, but, uh, Brooklyn Italian-American guys don't have the best attitudes towards other people, I suppose). We went to school together and we always had the best conversations (as long as they weren't really about serious things... like my feelings), and any sex that we did have was pretty good...? I dunno. When he broke up with me, I was <I>devastated</I>. But that may have been because I was comfortable with everything? But I mean, when a guy not only values himself but also his pet parrots, his trumpet, and his iTunes over you, it's not worth it. (Btw, he broke up with me because he said he was not in love with me anymore. I mean, don't give all you've got if you're not getting anything in return. Sounds selfish, but, in a relationship, it's true.)
Indigo4320 Indigo4320 7 years
Oh, I totally forgot..we love to wrestle. I'm strong for a girl so I can hold my own for a while, or at least he lets me for a while = )The other day he lunged at me and I was in defense mode and cut his chin on accident with my finger nail. The next night he went to a Metallica concert and the following Monday at work he said he got in a fight at the concert...haha He told them the truth after a sec tho.
Indigo4320 Indigo4320 7 years
Oh, I totally forgot..we love to wrestle. I'm strong for a girl so I can hold my own for a while, or at least he lets me for a while = ) The other day he lunged at me and I was in defense mode and cut his chin on accident with my finger nail. The next night he went to a Metallica concert and the following Monday at work he said he got in a fight at the concert...haha He told them the truth after a sec tho.
Indigo4320 Indigo4320 7 years
We rent movies, go to movies, cuddle on the couch or in our over-sized chair. I'm usually on his lap if we're in the same room. He always grabs me and pulls me on top of him. It's my fav. We snuggle at night. Usually spooning b/c of our breath = ) We send emails all day. I make dinner some nights and we'll actually sit down and eat at the kitchen table. I like to read and he likes video games, but usually one of us will go "visit" the other and get kisses and hugs.
Indigo4320 Indigo4320 7 years
We rent movies, go to movies, cuddle on the couch or in our over-sized chair. I'm usually on his lap if we're in the same room. He always grabs me and pulls me on top of him. It's my fav.We snuggle at night. Usually spooning b/c of our breath = )We send emails all day. I make dinner some nights and we'll actually sit down and eat at the kitchen table. I like to read and he likes video games, but usually one of us will go "visit" the other and get kisses and hugs.
DCStar DCStar 7 years
Every morning when we wake up, my husband and I kiss, cuddle and basically just roll around being silly and sweet, and it is one of the most romantic things we do all day. We also sit down to dinner at a table every night, which gives us a good amount of time to talk without distractions. To the girls above having issues getting their guys off of the computer, try dinner at the table where they can't be distracted, or maybe a bath where they can't bring their gadgets.
Rebecca14916991 Rebecca14916991 7 years
Oh My God, Chrstne, I am in exactly the same situation. It sucks SO badly. I keep telling him that I want more romance, or for him just to make out with me or touch me or SOMETHING, but he says he can't do that or else he gets too "excited". I try to just be subtly affectionate then, but I can't even distract him from his computer enough so he acknowledges me... I love him dearly, but I am almost at the end of my rope... if things don't change soon, I don't know what I'll do. I'm just going to warn you, that just you "making it work" without any/much input from him is extremely emotionally exhausting. It hasn't left me feeling fulfilled at all...
356UIK 356UIK 7 years
I cant answer this question as I just generally break it off with people once we're no longer getting it on. I suck. :(
reactionary reactionary 7 years
cuddling. lots and lots and LOTS of cuddling. which inevitable leads to talking. and laughing. which i think are even more important than cuddling.
clareberrys clareberrys 7 years
Taking the dog on walks together and having long conversations, cuddling at night...the other night we went ice skating and it was very intimate!! =)
jodie_ohlala jodie_ohlala 7 years
Every couple finds different things important. I personally love the fact that me and my boyfriend are to the point were we don't have to talk for hours, were we can just hang out and chill like friends. Be in the same room, doing our own things is the best. We don't focus on like "we have sex at least once a week" It's just whenever we feel like it.
Muirnea Muirnea 7 years
I agree pippins...long distance relationships make this stuff so much more important. And they can really bring out the romantic in people who normally aren't romantic at all. My bf and I talk and have debates, we love that we can actually challenge each others opinions and we love having deep conversations all the time. Whenever we're around each other we're cuddling. Holding hands in public. Just generally spending lots of time together....
Muirnea Muirnea 7 years
I agree pippins...long distance relationships make this stuff so much more important. And they can really bring out the romantic in people who normally aren't romantic at all.My bf and I talk and have debates, we love that we can actually challenge each others opinions and we love having deep conversations all the time. Whenever we're around each other we're cuddling. Holding hands in public. Just generally spending lots of time together....
Myst Myst 7 years
My guy lives overseas and he's 14hrs ahead of me, so what we do is 6:30 date web cam date while I'm getting ready for work and he's coming home from work. And we make trips throughout the year to visit each other whenever we can.
pippins_halfling pippins_halfling 7 years
I'm surprised there aren't more people talking about how to keep romance alive in an LDR, except the one poster up there. I was in an LDR awhile ago, and I would just send him sweet letters, emails, little gifts that made me think of him, etc; we also talked a lot; he also sent me some sweet packages and such. All sorts of things to let the other know that we care about each other. :)
Chrstne Chrstne 7 years
I love my boyfriend, but we don't have much romance. I try to be romantic, but he just never reciprocates. My BF works with computers, he is a programmer, and always has GMAIL open, but never writes me emails, even just to say hi. There has been many times where he was at work distracted by something else, or doing something not pertaining to work, but just doesn't email me even though he knows things like that are appreciated. We don't talk - he doesn't really like to, and when I talk, I just feel like I am being annoying. He doesn't hold me, because his d*ck gets itchy, he doesn't kiss me or touch me, really. Well, I get pecks on the lips -- no real kisses, hardly ever, because they are "gross" or too "up in his s*it" for him. Anyway, I am a good girlfriend. I rub his back, I stroke his hair, I'm always kissing some part of him because I don't want to annoy him and kiss him on the lips. I put MY arms around HIM at night, because that is a way that we can cuddle. He holds my hand whenever we go out, or puts his arm around me. I really appreciate that. We don't get it on, and holding hands just is not enough romance for me. BUT, like I said, I love him, so I make it work.r
Chrstne Chrstne 7 years
I love my boyfriend, but we don't have much romance. I try to be romantic, but he just never reciprocates. My BF works with computers, he is a programmer, and always has GMAIL open, but never writes me emails, even just to say hi. There has been many times where he was at work distracted by something else, or doing something not pertaining to work, but just doesn't email me even though he knows things like that are appreciated. We don't talk - he doesn't really like to, and when I talk, I just feel like I am being annoying. He doesn't hold me, because his d*ck gets itchy, he doesn't kiss me or touch me, really. Well, I get pecks on the lips -- no real kisses, hardly ever, because they are "gross" or too "up in his s*it" for him. Anyway, I am a good girlfriend. I rub his back, I stroke his hair, I'm always kissing some part of him because I don't want to annoy him and kiss him on the lips. I put MY arms around HIM at night, because that is a way that we can cuddle. He holds my hand whenever we go out, or puts his arm around me. I really appreciate that.We don't get it on, and holding hands just is not enough romance for me. BUT, like I said, I love him, so I make it work.r
missangelique999 missangelique999 7 years
Besides sex, we connect through communication. Whether it's a cute little e-mail to say "Hey, I love you", or a phone call to talk about our day, talking and keeping in touch and basically being a part of each other's lives is definitely a key to feeling intimate. Physically we are both very affectionate- holding hands, cuddling on the couch, neck rubs, etc. He does things like make me breakfast or take me out to lunch randomly and I cut his hair or hang up his clothes! Lol. There are so many little things that you can do to show you care without having to break the bank or break your back while doing so.
thelorax thelorax 7 years
LOL, I can relate to the fights brought on by home repairs, as lawchick said! But, on the other hand, fixing up our house together requires both of us to sacrifice a lot of money and time and energy, so at the end of the day when we can relax and admire our handywork (being too exhausted for sex), it's a bonding experience.
tatsauce tatsauce 7 years
Long distance relationship means not that much sex! or not that much bonding time, period. I spice it up with nudey pix. Since I'm not there physically, I have to give him some kind of reminder of what he has!
lawchick lawchick 7 years
hold hands while walking the dog, cuddle on the couch while watching tv/movies, cook breakfast or dinner together, rake leaves together, go grab lunch and read the paper, pretty much anything we do together fosters a sense of intimacy (with the glaring execption of home repairs, which usually cause fights!)
bransugar79 bransugar79 7 years
There are so many ways that we connect other than sex. We hold each other and talk or give kisses. We do bunches of non physical stuff too. We were in a long distance relationship for a very long time so I think that now verbal communication and doing nice things for each other is more second nature than sex or physical connections.He e-mails me during the day while we are at work just to check in and we tell each other all the crazy little things that happen throughout the day. It's a great way to keep in touch and feel connected
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