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Settling For Second Best

Should You Settle For Second Best?

Here's a post from OnSugar blog My DISFunkshion.

Remember that saying, "first the worst, second the best..." — just how true is that when it comes to our love lives?

It's not always a good thing to have a particular type because effectively you're shunning a large percentage of men who might be perfectly suitable. But the reality of this is that some women — myself included — are picky. Not in a "I know I can get any man so I get the liberty of choosing and dismissing" way, but more of a "I know what I like, so why sacrifice that?"

Some may call me shallow for admitting this, but physical appearance is important to me just as much as personality. There's no 30/70 or 40/60. It's 50/50 straight down the middle.

There are times when females will be in a situation where a guy comes along with a personality that you click with, but only on a friendship level. You're not exactly attracted physically, so should you write him off? Or pursue something with the hope that you'll eventually find an attraction? I think we all know what I always do.

Read the rest after the jump!

Granted that what we like and want isn't exactly what we'll get, can you actually be happy — and I mean the kind of happy if your celebrity crush confessed their love for you — with someone who doesn't quite live up to what you want? Or do we allow this kind of compromised contentment to take over us and make us believe that even though we barely missed the bullseye, we still did good.

I'm very skeptical so my answer is no — but yours may be different. I don't think settling for the "nice guy" can truly make you happy. He can offer you stability, security and comfort but when it comes to raw passion, that takes two — and if you know that he's not exactly what you want, then how can that be achieved? I always hear the saying that a woman should settle down with a man who loves her more than she loves him — there's less chance he'll stray. But again — do you want that to be the reason why you accept to date and even marry someone?

For me, second isn't the best. If it were, wouldn't we all be aiming for runner's up rather than first prize?

Want to see more? Start following My DISFunkshion or start your own OnSugar blog. Maybe your stories will be posted here on TrèsSugar!

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Join The Conversation
LittleMzFit LittleMzFit 5 years
I agree w/ RaCheer & RoaringSilence. Looks fade. Definitely, there must be some portion of attraction. Each person has to decide what they absolutely can & cannot live without (qualities of a mate). IMHO, certain things like honesty & respect are a given. Like Racheer, I've been in some really terrible relationships. However, I've also experienced some really wonderful ones that didn't work out because of other circumstances, timing, etc. So, that has sort of spoiled me..because I know that there are still a FEW good ones left! So, why waste each other's time if there's not some real potential?
RoaringSilence RoaringSilence 5 years
If it's just physical attraction that he's lacking, maybe you should go for it. Take your time to find out if you can't get into him, after all. If you're talking about being with someone for life, their good looks will fade sooner or later, anyway.
danakscully64 danakscully64 5 years
I agree with this article 100%. I do not want my future bf or spouse to "settle" with me either. Physical attraction is important too. If I don't want to be intimate with my partner because I'm not attracted to them, there will be major problems in the relationship. I'm not saying all women should look for Prince Charming, but I can understand why people will only date a certain group of people or look for certain qualities (skin color, height, straight teeth). The guy doesn't have to be a perfect 10, but you have to be attracted to them! Safeera - "Chemistry isn't only determined by personality and mentality, it's also a physical thing too. " Absolutely. I met someone online 2 months ago who was the perfect match for me personality wise, but I just don't see him as more than a friend because of the lack of attraction. He's not ugly by any means, he's just not my type. We're really close friends now and may be roommates. :)
zeze zeze 5 years
Oh god, I hate this discussion. I think what the author is saying isn't exactly settling, it is being more realistic, a lot of us have these expectations and we want them to play out exactly as we see them in our heads - for better or worse (sometimes we miss out on way more than we expect because we are so narrow minded) - so it is not like you meet someone who isn't good enough for you and say "fine, whatever" - it is about saying maybe I don't know it all and this guy, despite not having this much money, this much education, this much hair...lol, is a damn good catch and I need to drop all these arbitrary stipulations that I always assumed I needed in order to be happy. ...now...that said, I am the LAST person to take this advice. I know it makes sense, I know it is smarter, I know I would be happier, but I can't control myself, I can't part with my expectations and my stipulations before giving someone a chance. Thanks for the article by the way Epicdoodle, shamefully I am almost exactly like that girl, and worse yet, she talks about how men are not a dress for us to assess based on how good they make us look to other people - well I have actually made that same argument out loud! When a friend tried to hook me up with a so-so guy, I said "you know me, I can't do so-so, when I shop for a dress how long does it take me and it always has to be perfect" ...ugh! Long story short, do as I say, not as I do.
Safeera Safeera 5 years
I had no idea there would be such a variety of opinions on this post but just to address a couple of the comments: @sontaikle - Chemistry isn't only determined by personality and mentality, it's also a physical thing too. I have a mental chemistry with some guys but that's the full extent of it which is why they're my friends. I think it would be extremely shallow if I only based my choices solely on looks and not on personality. But I'm mindful enough to know that one isn't more important than the other - they're both essentials. @onlysourcherry - Maybe you're right, but who knows? It's not that I'm in a bad place - I've been in worst so my current situation is something that I'm quite happy about - it's just that I know what I like and I don't see how sacrificing what you know gets you ticking mentally and physically is the answer.
RaCheer RaCheer 5 years
Thank you for this. I've been single for a year and half after a 5 1/2 year "relationshit". People keep asking me why I'm still single and I tell them that I refuse to settle. I feel like I settled in my last relationship and I'll be damned if I do it again. I'm tired of hearing that I'm too picky. Refusing to settle is not being picky! I don't think I have a specific type. The guys I've dated have all been different physically. A tall gym rat...skinny surfer...short pilot. But I've been attracted to them all...for whatever reason...I just was. And their personalities were just as unique. They might not have even been attractive to other people...but to me they were. I agree with spacekatgirl. "The truth is, you shouldn't date/marry someone you have no sexual attraction to. You should not settle for anyone you don't love wildly." I am looking for passionate sexual chemistry, as well a personality that compliments and challenges my own. You can't force it...it will happen! And I really would rather be happy alone then unhappy with a partner I've settled for. :)
Epicdoodle Epicdoodle 5 years
This is a pretty good post on dating a guy not as attractive as you hoped for: http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-dater-x-feeling-attracted-to-someone-who-well-isnt-that-attractive/ :)
Epicdoodle Epicdoodle 5 years
And I want to clarify my last paragraph - I'm not saying without a guy your going to be alone and sad. You can be happy with or without a man in your life, thats what friends and family are for. What I'm saying is being with the 'wrong person'/settling for someone because your afraid of being alone won't make you happy.
Epicdoodle Epicdoodle 5 years
I completely agree with the post, you should never settle, but at the same time I don't think you should go searching for a specif looking guy or a 'prince Charming archetype' as spacekatgal mentioned because sometimes you might not find this specific looking guy and going with a mind set of finding the perfect 10 guy will limit your choices. Also another thing is sometimes a guy might not be as attractive/good looking at first glance but he might have an amazing personality that shines through when you spend time with him and you might realize your actually attracted to this guy (because of what a great person he is) even though he might not fit your 'perfect 10 prince charming' category looks wise. What I'm saying is don't just rule out certain guys just because they're not as handsome as you want them to be, for all you know one of these non perfect looking guys might be the one for you, if not [if your not attracted to them after a while] you can always move on, you don't have to settle for them. Remember looks fade as you get older and the thing that stays is personality. Also to the comments that say you'll 'live a life of loneliness and sadness?' if you don't settle with someone - theres a quote that goes "It's better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone", if your going to live and commit to someone your not attracted to and settle with a person that's not 'the one' then your still going to end up living a life of loneliness and sadness.
LittleMzFit LittleMzFit 5 years
Wholeheartedly agree w/ this post! Don't settle. :cheer: Better off alone than with the wrong one the rest of your life. :truestory:
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 5 years
I suspect that when you are at a better place in your life and meet someone with whom you really click, you will be willing to leave a few boxes unchecked on your list of boyfriend/husband requirements.
sontaikle sontaikle 5 years
Wow, how shallow! I can't even imagine putting looks at that level of importance. What are you going to do years down the road when his looks will inevitably fade? Not all guys age gracefully. Personality and chemistry should be a priority. Looks should just be plus.
lickety-split lickety-split 5 years
^^ I second the need for extreme sexual attraction. Because if you don't have that with your partner, when it comes along with someone else (and it WILL) you will need that itch scratched. And I don't agree that he 2choices are settling and being lonely. You can keep company with people hat aren't romantic partners, and I can't imagine beingore lonely than being married to the "wrong" person. Year, after year, after year........
Safeera Safeera 5 years
Thank you! It's good to know there are like minded people around! It becomes infuriating when people seem to think that's your only option too.
ginatherese ginatherese 5 years
This is perfect! I feel the exact same way! No one should "settle" for anything!
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