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Sex Q&A With Dr. Natasha Janina Valdez

Dr. Natasha Answers Your Sex Q&A

We're excited to welcome clinical sexologist and author of A Little Bit Kinky, Dr. Natasha Janina Valdez, for a week of guest blogging. Today through Sunday, she's answering the questions you asked last week.

Q: I have a boyfriend who keeps bugging me about a threesome. How do I tell him that he's not getting one until we're at least engaged? We've been together for seven years now and the threesome is a very special thing to me, I don't want to participate and then have him get used to it, then he'll be wanting it all the time! Also, how do I find a girl without going through Craigslist?

A: If you do it once, he might expect it again. Who's to say how he will react. These are the risks, and it sounds like you are using the engagement card to push things along and rightfully so, it's been seven years. I suggest you do all your fooling around before you get married in case your relationship doesn't survive it. As to how you find a girl? I'd just play it safe and go to the Bunny Ranch in Carson City, NV, where you can hire a girl legally to fulfill the fantasy.

Q: The first time my bf and I had sex, we tried a bunch of different things and it was completely amazing. Guess we were inspired, and I discovered that I love dirty talk. Since then, I've asked for it a couple of times, but he could never really get into it again. When I tried to initiate it he would laugh, which quite frankly hurt my feelings (though I can see why it would jar him, since he sees me as "a lady" outside of the bedroom). How can I get him to feel comfortable with it again?

Get the answer after the jump.

A: Tell him you are going to play a sex game and you want him to rate from one to 10 each scenario, one being OK and 10 being off the charts. Try out one new thing per sex session, and have him rate it. Compile a mental list of what's working and stick with those. Tell him he is not allowed to laugh at you because it hurts your feelings, and don't get discouraged, keep trying until you can comprise a top 10 list.

Dr. Natasha Janina Valdez is one of the nation’s leading sex experts and a certified clinical sexologist with a doctorate in human sexuality. Her new book A Little Bit Kinky is an imaginative and open-minded guide to exploring new possibilities in the bedroom and healthier relationships. Visit her online at drnatasha.com.

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trinitycc trinitycc 5 years
@Lickety split #9, you had much better advice than the visting "expert". You should get her paycheck!
lickety-split lickety-split 6 years
So, you want a life time commitment of "just us" before you add a 3rd party? That is a strange way to view the beginning of your partnership. Tell the man "no", if you wanted to do it you wouldn't need convincing.On the "dirty talk". He's laughing because it makes him nervous, thinks you expect him to join in. But men like it. Try whispering somethng in his ear during sex, add a little more the next time. He'll catch on. Men are generally quick learners in this department.
lickety-split lickety-split 6 years
So, you want a life time commitment of "just us" before you add a 3rd party? That is a strange way to view the beginning of your partnership. Tell the man "no", if you wanted to do it you wouldn't need convincing. On the "dirty talk". He's laughing because it makes him nervous, thinks you expect him to join in. But men like it. Try whispering somethng in his ear during sex, add a little more the next time. He'll catch on. Men are generally quick learners in this department.
jenni5 jenni5 6 years
Sorry Tres but this woman's advice is completely off point!
Vampyre Vampyre 6 years
I also agree. The advice given is sub-par at best.
lilkimbo lilkimbo 6 years
I agree with all of the comments. The "rightfully so" comment was what bothered me the most. Ugh. No wonder women get so confused sometimes, with advice like this out there.
girlgreen girlgreen 6 years
i'm surprised by how bad this advice is. i'm not good at giving advice either, but i don't go around guest blogging and answering people's questions. she obviously phoned it in with this - i mean, it's not even well written.
runningesq runningesq 6 years
Wow. So many things wrong with the first answer. If he isn't going to propose after 7 years (unless you were really young - high school age - when you got together) he probably isn't going to propose. And if you don't want to have a threesome, don't have one. It's not up to him to dictate how many people are in your sexual relationship.
runningesq runningesq 6 years
Wow. So many things wrong with the first answer.If he isn't going to propose after 7 years (unless you were really young - high school age - when you got together) he probably isn't going to propose.And if you don't want to have a threesome, don't have one. It's not up to him to dictate how many people are in your sexual relationship.
Pistil Pistil 6 years
I think being in a relationship for seven years without an engagement is fine, if you never want to get engaged. Otherwise I don't understand how planning a threesome is your biggest concern. I also agree that the second question wasn't really answered. I think some people have to be feeling really uninhibited to engage in dirty talk. Maybe it's not something to start off with, but wait until you've already got things going. It won't sound so weird in the throes of passion. Or change your tone... start out flirty before you get too dirty. He was into it once, right? Try to recreate that scenario.Ok, where's my column in Cosmo?
Pistil Pistil 6 years
I think being in a relationship for seven years without an engagement is fine, if you never want to get engaged. Otherwise I don't understand how planning a threesome is your biggest concern. I also agree that the second question wasn't really answered. I think some people have to be feeling really uninhibited to engage in dirty talk. Maybe it's not something to start off with, but wait until you've already got things going. It won't sound so weird in the throes of passion. Or change your tone... start out flirty before you get too dirty. He was into it once, right? Try to recreate that scenario. Ok, where's my column in Cosmo?
mamasitamalita mamasitamalita 6 years
I agree, weffie, this 'advice columnist' is giving terrible advice. from my experience with guys, once its' on the menu, it's on the menu.
mamasitamalita mamasitamalita 6 years
I agree, weffie, this 'advice columnist' is giving terrible advice. from my experience with guys, once its' on the menu, it's on the menu.
weffie weffie 6 years
"you are using the engagement card to push things along and rightfully so, it's been seven years." ARE YOU EVEN SERIOUS? RIGHTFULLY SO?? If the dude doesn't want to marry her, she's had 7 years to get the hint! It's so vile to suggest that women have the right to pressure guys into committing their lives just because they've shared part of it, but you're talking bribery not just pressure. And did you actually suggest a hooker? I'd think the average couple would feel more comfortable with a mutual friend or meeting a girl in a bar than paying a sex worker. I know I would. The second question, you didn't even come close to answering... making a list of "things" they like will not inspire him to talk dirtier... you just suggested something totally random that didn't even address what she asked. I didn't bother commenting on your ridiculous rudimentary blowjob guide (no teeth? um, duh!) but these "advice columns" could have been written by any 16 year old that's read Cosmo once or twice.
weffie weffie 6 years
"you are using the engagement card to push things along and rightfully so, it's been seven years."ARE YOU EVEN SERIOUS? RIGHTFULLY SO?? If the dude doesn't want to marry her, she's had 7 years to get the hint! It's so vile to suggest that women have the right to pressure guys into committing their lives just because they've shared part of it, but you're talking bribery not just pressure. And did you actually suggest a hooker? I'd think the average couple would feel more comfortable with a mutual friend or meeting a girl in a bar than paying a sex worker. I know I would.The second question, you didn't even come close to answering... making a list of "things" they like will not inspire him to talk dirtier... you just suggested something totally random that didn't even address what she asked.I didn't bother commenting on your ridiculous rudimentary blowjob guide (no teeth? um, duh!) but these "advice columns" could have been written by any 16 year old that's read Cosmo once or twice.
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