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Should I Admit I Smoke?

"Should I Tell Him I Smoke?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I haven't intentionally kept this information hidden — it's just never come up. My boyfriend and I have been together for eight months, and during that time, he's never seen me smoke and I've never mentioned it. When we were at the mall, we walked by a smoker and he said that he thinks smoking in public should be illegal. I should have said something then, but he surprised me and I was a little upset. I'm not a heavy smoker — more of a social smoker, maybe a couple cigarettes a month. Should I tell him?

I understand that I'm lying by omission about something he clearly has a problem with, but we're not planning on moving in together, so my habit won't affect him. I never smoke in my car or my apartment, so he really has no idea. I don't think the relationship is built on lies or anything, but there's an aspect of my life he doesn't know about, and he's bound to find out sometime; I guess it'd be better if he heard it from me. Do you think there are certain things that are okay to keep from your partner, or should a relationship be 100% transparent?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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CiaoBella01 CiaoBella01 4 years
i'm kinda impressed that you were able to keep the smell from him after all this time! i used to have a cigarette or two when i'm drinking, but my boyfriend at that time could smell it the minute i got home. I think you should tell him though. Now, i take it into consideration if i can date someone who smokes because of the smell and the danger it comes if we decide to have children. This is an important personal habit that he should be aware of. Just tell him it never came up and you apologize for not telling him sooner. He'll understand!
DanieG030 DanieG030 4 years
I think you need to tell him. It's really important to some people. If you don't want him to get upset about withholding the info until now, just mention that it never came up until recently and be honest that you don't smoke that often. I personally consider it a "need to know" sort of thing. I'm allergic to cigarettes, so it's really important that someone tell me. I can't be the only person in this boat, so I think it's important you're honest. 
BiWife BiWife 4 years
definitely easier to have full disclosure, leave your pack of smokes out on the counter next time he comes over. for some people, smoking is a deal-breaker, even if it's only occasionally and you've been together for nearly a year already. Even if the relationship doesn't go any farther, the fact that you feel like you're lying by omission says that it's going to bug you until it's out in the open.
plmnko plmnko 4 years
Well I don't know,if its something you enjoy with friends that isn't causing problems then why quit unless you want? I mean if you gambled a couple times a month and he hated gamblers/ing should you have to quit? Now I think if you were going through a pack a day that's a bigger deal but something intermittent like this probably isn't something to break up over. I think he'd be more upset to find out you were "lying" then to find out you smoke once in a while. It'd be easier just to tell him I think
Aquadave Aquadave 4 years
I don't think she should have to quit unless she wants to. 2 cigs a month is not really a health risk. Sounds to me like she enjoys one every now and then, just deal with the boyfriend when it comes up
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 4 years
i agree with missmaryb. why are you clinging to two cigarettes a month? Just stop! Problem(s) solved!
Aquadave Aquadave 4 years
you're not really a smoker a couple a month. So you're not lying it just hasn't come up but I'd wait until you want one then discuss it
missmaryb missmaryb 4 years
Agree with Henna. But really, if you only smoke a couple of cigarettes a month, why not just give it up?
henna-red henna-red 4 years
So, is it ok to lie to your significant other so long as you're not moving in together? Your actions say it is. So my question is, what happens if your relationship continues and gets more serious? How do you think he will react to cohabiting or engaging...just getting more serious and then finding out that you smoke after a significant amount of time has passed. How do you think he'll feel? You seem to be afraid of his reaction, maybe fearing an ultimatum. And if you get one once he finds out, do you think it will be about smoking? Or about lying? Hard to know on this end of the page if his attachment to you will overcome his aversion to the habit. That's a judgement call only you can make. Everyone keeps some things private, keeps things from their partners. I think if your relationship continues, though, that this quandry is only going to get worse. You're trying to protect what you have,but may be sacrificing what you could have down the road. You don't want to be asked to sacrifice something you enjoy. My sense of what you're saying is that you're waiting for people to give you permission to say nothing. Uh Uh. No one can do that. Measure your consequences. Since I don't know your guy, I really can't say how he'll react. Some people are pretty anti smoking. Some people will deal with a lot of stuff for a person they care about. I think your answer has been echoing in your inner ear, and you just don't want to hear it. good luck
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