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Should I Break Off My Engagement?

"I'm Having Doubts About My Fiancé"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years now and we are engaged. He is about to turn 27 and me 24. When I met him I was crazy over him, he was nicest most honest man I had ever met. I did everything I could to win his love and well I did. But as we became bf and gf I started noticing that he took too long to do things, like for example, he took long to tell his parents about us. His parents are the pastors at the church I go to. Then also it took him a long time to start showing me off as his gf. I didn't mind at first cause I know how things are at church and how it's better to keep this stuff private but after a while I did tell him that it was taking him too long to introduce me as his gf to the church. He finally did it.

Long story short, I was dying for him to propose, I wanted a wedding sooooo bad! I felt lonely, I felt so ready to start a life with him and even though he would talk about it all the time he didn't make a move! So I kind of started throwing hints here and there that I was ready for it and I wanted him to make a move. When I saw that he wouldn't I told him I wasn't sure I wanted to be in this relationship anymore and that I wanted more and he was just not giving it to me, but I didn't want to break up with him I was just letting him know how I felt.

A few weeks after that he proposed. I will not tell you about that because it was absolutely not what I had hoped for and I really felt like he was just trying to get it out of the way. When I told him how I felt he said he "didn't go all out" because he thought that anything would do it as long as he proposed and that I was gonna take it any way it came. I wasn't happy about it, I cried and cried and felt not worthy of a real proposal and I felt so bad. I tried to let it go but since then I just don't feel the same about him.

We have never had sex, we wanted to wait until we are married. I was so excited about a wedding at first, we started planning and looking for venues and all that stuff. We have been a little intimate a few times after we got engaged because it was really hard to be next to each other and not touch each other but nothing out of line, never. But lately I'm just not excited about anything anymore. I told him I thought I was ready but I'm really not and that I want to wait on this wedding stuff a couple of years. We started growing apart and lately it's just like I can't stand him anymore, I don't want to kiss him I don't want to tell people I'm engaged and he is super nice to me and tries hard to do sweet things to make me happy but I'm just never satisfied.

Let me mention I was a romantic when I started dating him and would always do sweet things for him and I would have a hard time getting him to do stuff for me, his excuse was that he wasn't used to it. He killed the romantic I was and now I just don't want to do anything for him anymore. I know he loves me to death. But I keep thinking there is more to life. I want that movie kind of love . . . The love that burns inside, that drives a guy crazy for me that I don't have to tell him what to do he just does it cause he lose me. I have a nice guy, he is honest and had a very pure heart but nothing makes me happy and I don't know if I am just being selfish or what I'm soon fused. Sometimes I just want to be single and meet new people and wait for that guy that will sweep my feet off the ground but I might have him in front of me and don't even realize it.

Am I being too hard on him? Or am I living in a fantasy world and this is what love is supposed to be like? I don't want to make a mistake, he doesn't deserve to be treated the way I have lately but I just can't help it. Has anybody ever been in this situation? What should I do?

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LittleSuri LittleSuri 3 years
It seems that you are attached to the Happily Ever After, Fireworks Exploding True Love.  Let it go...or you will project this expectation onto your man and be disappointed every time.  That is not to say that he doesn't need to try to romance you...in fact, him saying that he 'is not use to it' is NOT an excuse.  Romance comes with practice.  In my experience, guys learn over time how to romance/express love in a way that a girl appreciates.  In my opinion, you should be very clear about how he can show you his love.  I understand it would be awesome if he just always knew what I wanted, but for goodness sakes, he is a human male, not omnipotent.  Give him action steps--tell him that you want flowers or you want him to take you to this particular restaurant for your birthday.  Since you are a Christian, I highly recommend reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller.  
kitty-Witty kitty-Witty 4 years
no dear ! you are not getting selfish honestly . i can understand your situation because i am facing the same thing . but the thing is that at the beginning of our relationship my boyfriend would do the same thing even he still does it. he would do everything slowly even we didn't have sex yet . i want him to love me blindly. i know he loves me blindly but the thing is that all the time it makes me feel sad that he does not make the 1rst move from him . i directly tell him what i want from him . but you know most of the time his attitude towards me makes me cry because he doesn't do romantic move with me unless i want it from him . it makes me really sad i can't describe in words :( . good luck for you dear . god bless you.
henna-red henna-red 4 years
Well good for you girl! You're choosing to work on it, to not give up. That's great! I agree with testadura, love isn't all. In a reationship, it's the begining. It's easy to love, it's hard to work and live and comunicate and conciliate and compromise together. I also agree with Helen, about modifying the expectations, not the man. So many of us, men and women, say of think, "well, that'll change after we get married." It's a trap. Had a best friend several years back who said that to me about three different women, and was wrong every time. I realized I was hearing it, and told him, and he was visibly startled when he heard it. Assuming that the person you love will become the model you have in your mind of the person you want/need them to be, instead of staying the person that they have demonstrated they are to you, is always, I think, an incorrect assumption. But it's one that lots of us fall into. So good for you that you're going to take the time! Don't feel badly! Gracious, you asked for help and you're listening to all of the help offered and have actually made a choice to wait and work on your relationship. That takes courage and a willingness to work for what you want, and a willingness to look at yourself. I think you will find, that when he's comfortable, when you're both comfortable, there will be no need to push or pull. When you're both on the same page at the same time, things will flow. I hope it's so. It's really not about being right or wrong, but about doing what works, for both of you. It's not about proving a point, but about arriving at the same place at the same time, which can take time, and compromise, and lots of talking about things. Lots of listening to the other point of view, the other's experience and the other's expectations. It takes courage to say "this isn't working, what can I do to differently." And it takes courage and a willing heart to follow through on that. Please don't feel that we've judged you. There was a lot to see in what you wrote, and thankfully, you wrote a lot. So a lot of people saw from their perspective, what was jumping out to them. Thanks for sharing your life, and your trouble, and allowing us to participate in your life! Thanks for including us. take good care lovelyk
testadura67 testadura67 4 years
I think nicole and pbear pretty much covered it. I think the only thing I can add is that, in my opinion, love is not everything. Towards the end of your post you say he loves you to death, but in the end, he's not giving you what you need. And even though despite your frustration, you obviously still have feelings for him, you're not giving him what he needs. That's why it's important to have a longer period of dating before engagement. Love and infatuation are great, but they tend to make us overlook our incompatibilities, or at least make them more tolerable. After a couple years you'll see if you truly are compatible, or if it's time to say, I love you, you're wonderful, but you're not my ideal partner. It sounds like that's where you have ended up. Learn from what pbear and nicole pointed out, and move on to a healthier more fulfilling relationship.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 4 years
Aw...you aren't the worst anything. I'm sorry. Your questions are very valid. And your confusion seems genuine. I just think you've got your timing off. The time to have expectations is when you are choosing your man. Pick a guy who wants to meet your expectations long term. Reject a guy who doesn't want to, or who wants to but can't for some reason. If you can't find even one man who is eager to meet your expectations, consider modifying the expectations--not the man. : ) All the best.
lovelyk lovelyk 4 years
Well... Thanks a lot.... I feel like the worst woman in the world now. Maybe I do need some growing up to do. I asked for advice because I wa feeling confused I didn't ask to be judged. We all have different expectations and maybe that what is wrong nowadays that women have no expectations from men. But maybe I'm wrong. Thanks for the advice anyways I will take it into consideration. And no I'm not getting married anytime soon, we decided to wait and get to know each other more and make sure we are both ready to take this step.
matoad matoad 4 years
Doesn't sound like he 'killed' the romantic in you - sounds like life sent a normal human being your way and that goes against your ideas of what love should feel like. Two years is about the time when people tend to start seeing each other for who they actually are - the wonderful bits, the stupid bits and the plain normal/average bits. If seeing that makes you want to stop giving him affection, maybe you guys are not well matched, but probably you also just have quite some growing up to do. By pushing for your fairytale (amazing infatuation, beautiful proposal, wedding as fast as possible) you are keeping yourself from loving and accepting the person in front of you. And until you have started changing that, there is no way of knowing if he's right for you because YOU ARE NOT SEEING HIM. So, don't be depressed that the infatuation is starting to go away - this is your chance of making a real relationship out of this, as opposed to a movie-copout. As for wedding plans, I'd say take it slow and make decisions once you can see where the real relationship is going - if you decide to go on that journey.
pbear89 pbear89 4 years
I have to agree with Nicole. Two years is really not all that long, it may seem like forever at the time but heck looking back at me and my spouse.. 2 yrs I still was in the head over heels honeymoon stage. I still love him to death now...but I'm glad we waited. An extra year or two outside that initial infatuation gives you time to really love someone in a relaxed state...no ones trying to impress the other anymore your just together and if its meant to be it should still feel lovely....if not well it brings up doubts. It sounds like your starting to doubt things and you certainly were very pushy on the proposal so I'm sorry but really do you blame him that it wasn't all you hoped for? I don't think he was hoping to have to propose at this stage of your relationship. I think Nicole again is right, you should take some space, it doesn't sound like this is making you happy anymore and if it is meant to be then some space away from the pressures of rushing into a wedding may make things better. Also as a tidbit....I hate to break the romantic bubble, but movie love is not reality. Yes Guys are sweet and its nice to find a chivalric one but Heck sounds like you want him to lay down everything for you just to be with you and honey relationships have to go both ways. With any relationship you will have to compromise....and perhaps in this situation things would have turned out differently if you had attempted to understand his needs instead of pushing for your own.
nicole121482 nicole121482 4 years
Surprise, surprise...you are having doubts after pushing your fiance to propose...You were more interested in a happily ever after then waiting for the right person. 2 years is not that long to be together! Why on earth would you have been pushing for more. No wonder he didn't propose in a special way...you made it clear that you didn't care and just wanted to be engaged. You dug your own bed with this one. And it sounds like you aren't even interested in being with him anymore. That can happen after the infatuation stage wears off and you get down to thinking about how your life is going to be forever with this person. I constantly tell girls to stop to trying to rush into things. Let relationships take their natural course and enjoy each stage of dating. They are all different and needs and desires change with every stage. When you rush each stage, you miss important steps in a healthy relationship. You will never know now how it could have been if you would have let it move naturally...I would say get out of the relationship now, you have to learn from the mistakes you made and move on. If this guy is the right one, maybe some space will do you both good and you can try again at a later date. Or find someone else.
henna-red henna-red 4 years
From what I hear, reading through this, you have been constantly disappointed by him, by the time he takes to do things, by the lack of this or that. You didn't like his proposal, you don't like his lack of material experience....it's a constant line of "why isn't he .....something else, something better, changing to be what I want him to be?" This is absolutely no basis for a marriage. You have certain expectations, right or wrong, realistic or not, and he has never met any of them.And yet you continue to expect from him what he has never shown you. That is not realistic, and certainly not fair to him. This is the man you're talking about marrying. The man as he is today, now. Not tomorrow, not next yert, not 20 years from now. Today. And you have doubts and unmet expectations, lots and lots of them. I agree with Helen on this, no one is ever going to meet all of those expectations. You are not ready for this marriage. And I wonder if he has any idea of how you actually feel, of the any of the disappointment you've expressed here. I'd guess he doesn't. You seem to be waiting for him, day by day, to become.........more reliable, more financialy responsible, more......just more. If you're not ready to marry him, as he is now, today, then you are just not ready to marry. Call it off. There are a lot of wise voices here, and your post has so many, many red flags. Different people are addressing different issues, and the person who needs to address every one of them is you. That's going to take time, and that means you're going to have to MAKE time to do it. It won't majicaly happen after you walk down the isle. You are not ready for marriage. If you go ahead with this now, you are looking at a disaster, and a bitter, acrimonius divorce in the near future. Marriage doesn't make life easier. It means there are two of you facing what each of you was facing alone, and instead of acting on just your own, personal choices, you have to take another's choices into consideration. That isn't easy! Call it off, postpone it, talk to him, talk to a couselor, get some premarital counseling, it's time for honest communications, and a reevaluation of your expectations for him and for any man you would consider marrying. good luck to you
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 4 years
I get that you want romance. But too bad. You can't have a constant overabundance of romance AND a committed long term relationship at the same time. (At least not without having continual serial affairs on your partner, which is yuck!) The reality is that when you're married, romance takes work. You've got two busy people with lives. BOTH people have to take time out of their schedules and plan for romance. Sure there are wonderful moments and flashes of spontaneity, but it is usually not natural. Romance IS great and it's important to make it part of married life, but it's a fatal error to assume it will just continue to happen because you love each other. If you continue to make this idealized vision such an important part of your life, you will be disappointed. That is your choice. Just cut everyone else some slack for disappointing you. There is no way one person can sustain what you want, long term.
Pazuzu Pazuzu 4 years
Regardless of what your reasons are, if you're second guessing a marriage you should break it off. Its a life long commitment and if you don't feel 100% certain, its best to not move forward. He may never become the man you want him to be.
lovelyk lovelyk 4 years
It's just certain things that are really turning me off. Makes me feel like e is cheap. His honesty isn't going to pay off for that right?? I just want to know if I should wait for him to become the man I really need or just break it off and be on my own.
lovelyk lovelyk 4 years
No no. He lives with his parents, I live with mine. I make more money than him, I have good credit. He doesn't have any of that.
Pazuzu Pazuzu 4 years
Well now I'm seeing more to the story. If you're paying the full rent then it makes sense to question this marriage. Can you depend on him to pay bills, is he financially stable? These are things you need to think about BEFORE you tell a guy propose or I'm gone. I think you're still not ready for marriage, with him or anyone else. Take time for yourself, figure you out.
lovelyk lovelyk 4 years
Another thing, when I say I want the "movie" kind of love I didn't mean it literally. What I meant is that I want to be in love with someone and them in love with me. Look I'm used to people doing stuff for me (I am a giver too so I don't only take from people) but he has never ever even let's say wash my car, or fill up my tank or none of that stuff that shows me I can depend on him. He don't pay rent at his house, I do! All those things that didn't bother me before are bothering me now because I do want to have a good life. I always give myself the best. If I want it I get it I don't bargain for a better price I just get it. He is the other way around ! Am I too demanding or what???? I work hard for what I have !
kurniakasih kurniakasih 4 years
Poor guy! Do both of you guys a favor and cancel the wedding/postpone it until you know what you want, and since if you do trust him to be a husband one day, you should be able to TALK WITH HIM about this. If you can't discuss about your aspirations, dreams, etc and be HONEST with him, you guys shouldn't even be in a marital position. Then if he loves you and believes that you guys will make it down the aisle, you guys can work it out or go separate ways. Btw, I sincerely think he's doing it the RIGHT WAY with taking his time, I believe he always intends to propose but your nagging him, I mean, your giving him the ultimatum does propel him to do it quicker. Now you understand why he takes his time, right? Even YOU are confused and changing your mind about the whole thing, so next time, take your time before rushing into anything. P.S. Wow..movie kind of love..honey, it's a MOVIE. MOVIE. Not reality. Yes, some are based on real story, but even then, they're DRAMATIZED....:) It's too funny. Please don't get married to him, definitely not now.
Pazuzu Pazuzu 4 years
If you don't want to get married because you have a busy life then you're not ready for marriage. You're too young and cant handle the responsibility of it.
lovelyk lovelyk 4 years
Onlysourcherry: marriage is the most important thing for me. I don't want to get married and then divorce. Never. I didnt "nag" him into marriage just because. I really wanted to marry this guy at first, and so did he. Let me be more clear....I was in love with him at first... But the more I think about marriage the more I feel like I am not ready. I have a very busy life: I work 6 days a week 10 hrs a day, I go to school Monday's and Tuesday's and go to church wed,fri and Sunday's. So this is really overwhelming me. At first I guess I saw marriage as a relief or something... But now I look at my life and realize I haven't done anything for myself. I have been working since I am 17 at this same place, same hours and I have never gone on a trip or none of that.... And I guess that is what is confusing me. I don't know if I want to do all those things with someone or by myself. I know it was my mistake to make him believe I was ready to get married but I really thought I was ready.
chibros chibros 4 years
Your problem is that you started everything with being VERY obsessed, crazy and needy about him. He's taking the real time required but you thought he is taking too long. HE really likes you so damn much, he didn't noticed you're already way too far (fast) than he is until you dropped that deal-breaker comment (about break-up). As a man that really love you, he gave up his pace, tries to catch up with you and do anything to make you happy. NOW he is doing it you don't feel it anymore, you both has switch pace, him faster, you slower. I BET you, if he stops being nice and caring, or pretend not to be interested in you, YOU WILL GO CRAZY about him again. Just because he didn't propose to you when you want it made you to lose all the affection and interest in him, do you see you have a conditional love for him and his love for you is unconditional. You have so much expectations which should be. YOU SHOULD TAKE YOUR TIME, END THE RELATIONSHIP AND LET THINGS HAPPEN NATURALLY. Now you're feeling kind of disappointed The fault is from you, sit think of the value of what you have before you loose it. You are living in a deep fantasy world, mostly advantage takers can make woman fantasy come real, just to get what they want. If you want to rewind things, tell him, maybe cancel the engagement, start back in a relationship and wait for surprising and amazing proposal you always wanted. I guess you need a 'heart break' medication to get back from fantasy world and appreciate things.
Pazuzu Pazuzu 4 years
They've pretty much hit the nail on the head. You're not ready for marriage, I don't think you realize the gravity of that decision, to you its just a fairytale wedding, not a life long commitment. You want to be swept off your feet and hes not doing it for you. But be forewarned, most men don't. Its not like the notebook or any romantic movie with big gestures of undying love. You know who those guys are in real life? Psychopaths that say "soon you'll be carrying my seed" after the first date. Its the hyperbole and epitome of women's fantasy, you want your Edward Cullen but in real life hes the guy that says if I cant have no one will. Tone down your expectations, a bright hot flame in the beginning usually burns out quickly and can lead to a volatile relationship. People that feel passion that strongly feel jealousy and rage just as much. Have more realistic expectations. I agree you nagged him into marriage. When a guy is ready he'll do it on his own. And most mature couples talk about it first so you're both on the same page. My boyfriend and I have discussed when we feel the time is right but its up to him to ultimately decide when (sometime next summer). Next time you feel you're ready ask the guy his thoughts on marriage, when does he want to. You need communication, not just hint dropping. Don't coerce anyone into marriage, he'll be resentful and you'll be disappointed. How can you expect a fairytale romance when you tell him propose or I'm leaving? It cheapens his actions and makes you feel bad. I think you both need to step back and reevaluate your lives. Talk to him, explain yourself and let him do the same. Do some soul searching.
Mandana85 Mandana85 4 years
"If you do break up, I would advise you not to nag a man into marriage again. It doesn't result in happiness for either one of you, as you've seen." that is just what I wanted to say. nagging a man into marriage can do this to your relationship.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 4 years
I have a questions for you--why do you want to be married? Not, why do you want to marry or not marry your fiance. But what does marriage mean to you? What role do you want marriage to play in your life (think long-term, when you are in your 40s, your 60s, your 80s)? Do you think you will get that with this man? If you do break up, I would advise you not to nag a man into marriage again. It doesn't result in happiness for either one of you, as you've seen.
Raynne413 Raynne413 4 years
I just have to say that "movie love" is NOT real love. Movies have people falling in love and getting married in a matter of weeks. That just doesn't happen in real life. Or if it does, it ends up in divorce (generally). You just can't compare real life to the movies or you will never be happy.
missmaryb missmaryb 4 years
Lanwa is right. Follow your heart. If he's not the one you want to spend the rest of your life with, then don't do it. Break it off, give both of you a chance to find someone who rocks your world. But be warned...movie love doesn't exist, as far as I know. How many of those actors have real love lives that mirror the ones they portray? None. True love comes from being best friends with your partner, and "best friendship" isn't burning and hot 24/7. The relationships that start like that tend to fizzle out quickly. You have a lot of soul searching to do. Good luck.
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