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Should I Bring Up Our Future?

"Does He See a Future With Me?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I have been seeing my boyfriend for almost a year now and the closest we have ever gotten to discussing our future together was when I asked him if he knew if he wanted kids a few weeks ago — he said yes. I had waited to bring things like that up seeing how the first few months of our relationship were a little rocky because of some personal things he was going through. Even though it was a bit rocky at first, we never had any doubts about wanting to be together. So besides asking the kids question, I have been happy to just let our relationship grow organically without putting any pressure on it. I was the one who said "I love you" first a few months ago and he immediately said it back to me. We have about a 10 year age gap; I guess now that we have been dating for a year and because of his age (he's getting to where if he plans to have kids he will need to do so in about the next four years) I'm getting anxious to know his thoughts about us and our future together. I want to marry and have kids with him — I have no doubts that he is all I want — I'm just wondering if I should bring up the future with him and how I should do it. I want to know if he has the same feelings I do, even though I don't think we're ready — personally or financially — for marriage and kids quite yet. Maybe part of it is because I have so much invested that if he doesn't feel the same I don't want to spend any more time with him. Neither of us is old, but we're not getting any younger and there is no point in being with someone if there are no thoughts of a more permanent commitment in the future. So no rush on moving forward, but I'm getting a little anxious that we have never come close to discussing it. Any thoughts or suggestions?

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scarlet722 scarlet722 3 years
being together for a year isn't too long that you should be worried. but if you're at the point where you truly can not waste time if there will be no commitment, tell him that point blank. at a stress-free time, maybe after breakfast on a sunday, ask what he sees in the future. if you're involved in that vision, that's a good sign. then you need to ask him where he sees your relationship going. and you need to be totally honest with what you want. tell him what you want out of this relationship. that in time, you want to get married and start a family. i'd advise against giving an ultimatum because those tend to backfire, but you do still need to be realistic. so ask him if he sees the two of you getting engaged within the next 1-2 years or so. if he says yes, then tell him you're glad to hear it because you really do want to move forward in the next couple years. if he says no, don't freak out, just ask him why. have a discussion. you may find out he has the same hopes as you do. but you do need to be honest. tell him if he doesn't see the relationship progressing the way you want it to, within the time frame you have in mind, then as much as it may hurt, you need to move on.   however on a side note, something you said kind of threw me off. "there is no point in being with someone if there are no thoughts of a more permanent commitment in the future." so i'm sort of confused as to what it is you really want. do you just want to be married, or do you want to spend the rest of your life with HIM? would you be willing to spend your life with him if it turns out he was against marriage for some reason? like if he has no issues with commitment but just doesn't see the point of the whole charade of marriage. so that's just something to think about. and while i do believe in being honest and telling him what you want out of the relationship, i'd also say maybe give it just a little more time. you haven't even been together a year yet, are you sure that's a long enough time frame to know that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone? so again, just something to think about. if you are totally sure, then talk to him about it. tell him how you feel and find out if he feels the same. good luck!! i hope it works out for you.
BiWife BiWife 3 years
OP, why are you putting a time limit for him on his childbearing? You've only recently asked if he even wants kids and immediately jump to assuming he has to make a decision soon because he only has 4 years left? Men continue to produce sperm for their entire life, it just gets weaker, less motility, etc, as they age. Women are the ones who go through a physical change that makes them incapable of producing any eggs or supporting a pregnancy after a certain point (aka menopause). Let him decide how old is too old for him. You clearly have a ton of questions, so ask him. You don't have to make it a formal thing, just start bringing up the topics that you have questions on and work your way through the issues. There is nothing wrong with talking about things, just don't immediately put down ultimatums or force him to talk about things that he isn't ready to. Get the conversation started, let the questions and answers and subsequent follow-up questions and answers continue to grow organically. Wait until you have all the facts before you begin making conclusions.
missmaryb missmaryb 3 years
Agree with Henna. I've read that you should never have "the talk" with a guy because you will scare them away. I'm in full agreement if you've been together for 3 months, but after a year you really need to think about where you're headed and if he's not headed in the same direction, then you have decisions to make. And if he does get scared and run, then too bad for him...he's not into committing for life. I urge you to lay it out on the table. It's your life in question, too, and you have every right to know where you're going. Good luck.
henna-red henna-red 3 years
Yes, you should talk about it. Talking is the only way for you to have the answers you need and want. I understand you worry about his saying no. If you don't want to invest more time into a relationship that has no chance of ending with marriage and kids, as you want, then you have to be willing to broach that subject. I'm not saying you have to hit him with an ultimatum, but you want to talk about your future. How do you talk about other things that are important to the two of you? The thing that most concerns me here, as it does with anyone who says they want to marry but don't know how to bring it up or talk about it is....as you said, you're not ready for it. If you don't know how to talk about it, then you haven't put in the time or the kind of time you need to develop a stable communication, a basis of common goals, and a vision of your future together. If you want those things, it's time to start developing those skills, that vision, that communication. The other problem I see, is that you apparently expect all of those subjects to be introduced by him. You are waiting for him to bring it up....to be ready to bring it up. Well, if you're ready to talk about it, and he's not starting the convo, then you need to start the convo. I'm getting a feeling of all or nothing from you, a sense of ultimatum. You had a rocky beginning, he was healing from something previous? Is that right? Healing can be a time consuming process, and moving into a relationship while you're healing from another issue can make progress into that relationship slower and more cautious. Takes time to test the waters and make sure they're safe, particularly if the last swim was rocky. I wonder if he is at all aware of your impatience? If you've only ever asked the one question, and you leave the rest to develop organically, then he would have no idea that you have a goal, or a timeline in sight. If you want him to know those things, you're going to have to talk to him about them. You got into a relationship with someone who is older, knowing that your physical timelines may, neccessarily be a little different. Some people don't know that physical potency in men declines as they age. You know it. So again, if that's a concern, then you need to talk about it with him. The best way to deal with your anxiety is to talk to your boyfriend about it. You have a fear, talk about it. You have a concern, talk about it. You want to know if your relationship has a future, talk about it. Don't wait for him, take some initiative. This is your life as well as his, and you want and need to know where it's headed. You love him, he loves you, time for the next steps. good luck
Aquadave Aquadave 3 years
YES by 1yr yall should be planning future. You should be talking marriage kids religion house life. It time to know whats going on and should yall stay together or not if you 2 have different views on the future of your 2 lifes then move on if yall see things that can work together as a couple then good. hopefully you have similar outlooks
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