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Should I Be Friends With My Ex?

"Should I Be Friends With My Ex?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My boyfriend and I have been broken up for a few weeks now. A little time has passed and I don't feel as angry and hurt as I did a few weeks ago, but I am still hurt and confused. At this point, I don't know what I want to do or what I'm supposed to do. I don't know whether to remain friends with him. I feel like in his mind, he believes everything is back to normal and I'm not supposed to be hurt. He is the one who broke up with me. He told me he's already talking to someone else — after lying and saying he wasn't worried about any other women because he wanted to focus on himself. That alone makes me feel like he didn't care about me in the first place.

He has made no effort to make our relationship work. I've done it on my own. He doesn't work for anything. He oversteps my boundaries all the time and goes against my feelings, which is emotional abuse. He wants to be my friend and keep in contact with me, and I don't mind being friends with him, but I'm still very disgusted and angry with him over the stupid decisions he's made. He thought he was making the best decision for the both of us, but he doesn't ever make good decisions and when he does, they only make sense in his delusional mind. He thinks that by telling me these things, he's "keeping it real" with me, but little does he know that it's actually doing more harm than good. I don't know how I feel about him anymore. He doesn't understand the full extent of how badly he hurt me. He is a narcissistic person who doesn't care if he hurts others, and when he does apologize, he ends up doing it again anyway. I feel like he has no remorse.

Keep reading for the rest of this reader's dilemma.

We were together for three years. Feelings like this don't go away that quickly, although I am trying to make them go away because I'm tired of the pain. I've felt alone even before we got out of a relationship. I've felt like I was in this relationship by myself. I don't understand the purpose of wanting someone to stay in your life after you broke up with them. He says he cares about me and that he loves me, but I'm at the point where I don't believe a word he says to me anymore. His words and actions never match. I feel like if you love and care about someone, you wouldn't hurt them constantly by making stupid decisions and putting others before them like they're nothing. He wants to have his cake and eat it too, and he says that's not true, but it's obvious. I'm tired of feeling this way all the time. I feel like he doesn't give a damn about me, and even when he says he does, I don't believe it. I'm so over these emotionally unavailable men who don't commit or stay consistent. I'm still trying to heal from all of this. Why is he being so selfish about his needs and not mine? I just feel like a fool. I don't wish this feeling upon any woman. I want to be with a man who can commit to me, stay loyal, and respect the feelings of others. I love him, but I don't like the way he treats me. Where should I go from here?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously in Group Therapy for advice and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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GTCB GTCB 3 years
You should not be friends with your ex.
GZO GZO 3 years
"Where should I go from here?" The opposite direction of this guy.
henna-red henna-red 3 years
He's doing what he's doing because, as you say, he is narcissist and everything in his world is all about him, no one else, and will always be only about him. You can't change that, and he doesn't want to change that. The ladies are so right....get this guy out of your life, cut off all contact, and then it's time to do you. To focus on you. To go through the whole process....the grieving, the sad, the mad, the questioning of self..... The only reason he wants to keep you in his life is because you fulfill some kind of need for him....and he doesn't care about your needs. It's time for YOU to care about your needs, take care of yourself, feel all of the feelings, and do all of the things you need to do to nourish yourself and to move, eventually beyond this relationship, and into a happier, healthier relationship, with a man who shows his respect and care for you. Takes work, takes time.....heal girl. And you can't do that by keeping the person who wounds you in your life. good luck, take care
Bubbles12 Bubbles12 3 years
Girl up because a real break up takes a very long time to get over for us. If it sucks, well yes. It doesn't mean anything is wrong with you or you need to go back to him. We women are subject to terribly bonding hormones when we orgasm with a guy, oxytocin that will make even the biggest dumb-arsed guy seem like someone worth hanging onto. Some guys know that and will get you into bed asap in order to bond you to him so you don't leave even when you find he's a jerk. Hormones, nothing spiritual or mystical. Nature does this to us in order to make babies -- it's all she wants. But own that bitch. Stay away from him and promise yourself a better life with a better man. Look around at every single human being over 30 who went through this and survived and even laugh about 'that guy'. That will be you too. So sorry, no magical answers. The tubs of ice cream, the teary nights, the pangs at seeing him with someone else and everything else, well that's the price of 'amore' with Mr. Wrong.
missmaryb missmaryb 3 years
Re-read your post. I think it answers your own question. Why would you want to have anything to do with someone who doesn't respect you, supposedly emotionally abuses you, lies to you and broke up with you? This sounds like a no-brainer to me. Cut off all contact, completely remove him from your life. Then start really thinking about why you would even consider having a relationship or a friendship with such a person. You need to put yourself at the top of important people in your life and get yourself emotionally healthy (which can't be done if you let him continue to be a part of your life). Good luck.
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