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Should I Get an Abortion?

Group Therapy: Should I Get an Abortion?

This question is an excerpt from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I'm 26, boyfriend is 29. We have been on and off for about 4.5 years. We recently broke up and he told me that it was over. However, he asked again if we can continue being with each other shortly thereafter. I agreed (he wanted to break up because he was so busy).

That whole incident was a month and a half ago, I'm late on my period and took a test and it came out faintly positive. I have a follow up appointment with my dx next week. He's my man so I told him about it, he said that he doesn't believe me (1st pregnancy scare in 4.5 years with him). He tells me I'm "sick and should get evaluated" and that nothing has changed from his whole "let's break up speech." Now I'm an intelligent woman, we both had a mutual understanding that we would get back together. He even took me out to dinner to commemorate the evening and we had a long talk about it. It was clear that we were "back together."

Back to present day, last night, I didn't fight for "us" since he was cold about lying to me and not supportive about the whole probable pregnancy issue. I said my goodbye and he said (and this is verbatim) "I have said numerous goodbyes . . . but yea . . . and I'd still bang you if you weren't so off of it." Strange.

I'm debating abortion as I had just lost my job and cannot take care of this child by myself. I'm entirely too emotionally strained to care what this man wants. I just need your opinion, because I want this to be definitely over, and I'm exhausted over the arguing.

Thanks! For the input and please no harsh comments, I have gone through a lot.

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snowysakurasky snowysakurasky 5 years
i had a similar situation as poster 12. i am not religious at all and am even opposed to organized religion and the tax breaks for it. However even without religion, humans should know instinctively that abortion is wrong. have the baby you will not regret it. So many people suffer from infertility these days, so adoption would be generous, although you and the child may yearn for each other for years,,, i dont know what is typical in these situations, but anywyas, I get the feeling that you are not interested in giving it up for adoption. again, I think you should keep the baby. get another job (anything) for now (asap) and start planning how to live less expensively but in a safe place for you and the baby. maybe move in with nice roomates now to save money and look into where you can live after you have the baby. also figure out how to sue for child support. you could calmly let him know if you are pregnant. the goal being either get back together (with some counseling, of course) or have a co-parent/someone to pay some child support. make sure you dont sound crazy when you tell him ;) this guy sounds sketchy about commitment but at least you didnt mention drugs, violence or being unemployed. and he might be right about you being 'crazy' (not really crazy, and i dont mean this to hurt you) since being with him these 4 years does indicate bad judgement....sometimes *crazy* people are together and relate. you didn't mention how you are as a girlfriend, so i am just assuming you are not perfect either....and maybe there is hope as a couple if you two both try harder? i'm kind of speaking from experience about a lot of this even if it sounds farfetched.. definitely not trying to be harsh *hugs* i know you posted this a while ago... any updates? hope you are ok.
Texasred45 Texasred45 5 years
By all means visit a counselor before getting an abortion, and it is your decision but keep in mind that "Planned Parenthood" is anything but impartial - if truth-in-advertising laws applied to them, they'd be called "Planned Abortion" because that's what they are - an abortion business. Keep in mind also one other thing: IF in fact you are pregnant, you have more choices than simply raising the child yourself or having an abortion: there are many many childless couples out there who'd be overjoyed to give your baby a loving home, and who would thank you for your sacrifice for the rest of their lives. I know.
katykat1980 katykat1980 5 years
I just wanted to add that, from the experience of watching friends have babies young and without much financial support, that yes I know it feels great having a child to love you unconditionally- but it also hurts to watch a child grow up knowing the odds are against them having the opportunities that a child from a financially stable home has. Being a mom is great, but I think it's easy to look at it from your own point of view, and not the point of view of a child who may have a hard road in life. It's ultimately 100% the OP's decision, but hopefully the decision is based on more than how the parents feel when they hear "we love you mommy and daddy". That's something that makes a PARENT feel good, but doesn't give a child a good stable life. Just something to keep in mind when considering raising a child, adoption, or abortion.... Make sure to think of the end result when it comes to the child, not just the parent.
allycatsmom allycatsmom 5 years
Trust me, and this comes from a mother of 2. I love my children with all my heart. My youngest daughter father sounds just like your ex. You have an option to move on and never look back. Dont get an abortion for nothing though! If you abort your child and then get back into that crazy relationship, then that would be wrong. I had a child with a man just like that. I wish everyday he wasnt apart of my life!! I have been cheated on, beat and ended up getting an abortion 2 weeks ago. I felt like having another baby with him would be the boggest mistake i ever made! Best decision I ever made, dont care how bad that sounds. I keep getting tangled back in this relationship for the simple fact, my daughter loves him, thats it!!! One day, I hope to be rid of him for good, but it would have been alot easier without our daughter, On the positive side... She is the best thing that ever happened to me, and I couldnt have been the person i am today without her. She made a real women of me, and obviously a hell of alot more patient. You dont know real love until you have a child. I'm broke as heck, but working as hard as I do is worth it for her.
talanted08 talanted08 5 years
Helen, doesn't sound like you need to respond since most of the post that I've read put you down b/c you think you know it all! Like I told Bi, back up! No one ask for you to pin point anything but what you think is best for the person needing help!
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
@talanted08: Personal attacks are not acceptable.
talanted08 talanted08 5 years
Biwife: needs to back up, what advice are you giving her when your talking about nothing! It's her option rather we sit here and go back and forth! My meaning wasn't just about faith but if your that naive to see that then shame on you! What ever you believe is you and if I want to add FAITH in my equation then ok! Leave it alone and shut it up! If this was so much an opinion then that means your in the wrong group b/c you down grade more people b/c of what they have said! But your going in right behind me and some what saying the same! Get a clue or get a job!! For some reason your always in the mix to comment!
sarah_bellum sarah_bellum 5 years
Posts like these drive me nuts only because of the type of responses it draws out, when otherwise it could potentially be a very productive and helpful discussion. It seems most people here are incapable of even the tiniest bit of introspection, because the vast majority of posts, regardless of perspective, seem to be completely unaware of their own hypocrisy. I don't freaking get how you can go through life so unaware of your own biases and the fact that other people just might dare to have a different take on things. Rant over. I'm sticking to the scumbag boyfriend posts from now on. Toodles.
BiWife BiWife 5 years
Janine22 - in the US abortions are very costly procedures and can be hard to find a doctor that will even do it without driving to another county, state, etc. Planned Parenthood is in a lot of places, but there are still many (mostly rural & religious areas) where they are not able to offer services. If only we had a better insurance system that would actually cover costs vs just paying 15% and leaving the vast majority of charges for the patient, but the far-right calls ppl like me nazis and communists for even suggesting such things. It is only just last month that being a female is no longer allowed to be considered a pre-existing condition! So wrong that by virtue of one's birth gender, they are (for insurance purposes) less "healthy" than another birth gender. (Sorry, soapbox moment) Talented08: telling someone to leave it to God is a trite platitude that doesn't really mean anything or give any real advice. There's a big difference between saying "pray about it" and "take time to fully consider your options". If they adhere to a specific faith, they can seek out a minister/elder of their chosen faith to deal with how they will pray (or not). This is an opinion site, not a faith site.
talanted08 talanted08 5 years
Biwife... my whole comment was about her taking the time out to think about the situation! No one said God wrote her a check for her mistake! Did he write you off for your mistakes? Why is it that some say... well leave any situation your confused about to God and he will give you the answer! Your life may be a little different but when it comes to me and what I know I've done in my life shouldn't have nothing to do with you! It's her right to do what she pleases! Dishing from Bi-slow... MMMM
kimmieb124 kimmieb124 5 years
You need to talk this out with someone you trust rather than strangers online. Abortion is a serious decision and, as you can see from many of the posts above, it's an issue that comes with a lot of bias attached to it on both sides of the equation. Regardless of what you choose, I would recommend that you have some counseling lined up to deal with the emotional repercussions of your decision. Many women like anon 12 have a difficult time dealing with the emotional aftermath of an abortion. Since your feelings are mixed about the child, you will probably have a difficult time regardless of which choice you make so you need to have a support network in place to help you get through this difficult time.
Rory1225 Rory1225 5 years
I would just say that if you do have the baby, be prepared for he/she to have a crappy father. He sounds like a jerk. Not believing you because it hadn't happened before? How many pregnancy scares would you have to have before he would believe you are pregnant? Weird.
Janine22 Janine22 5 years
BiWife: I am not sure what the laws are like in the U.S.. I live in Canada, where abortions are free, safe, legal and generally easily accessible. It is part of our healthcare system and is often performed in hospitals. To be honest, what happens in the states in regards to reduced access to abortions scares the crap out of me!! It makes me think that womens rights have gone backwards in time and I find it very scary that people voted Bush into power in the first place and many women in the U.S. are somehow ok with the government having control over their bodies! Anyway, I still think that infertility is a very rare result when a woman is getting a first trimester, legal abortion.
dikke-kus dikke-kus 5 years
I would give yourself some time to think things over. Right now you're really feeling bad about everything and the choice is yours. But maybe it would be nice to wait and have a couple of conversations with a close friend or someone in your family?
Kaybaybayx Kaybaybayx 5 years
Do what you think is right for you because it is hard and it may not be the best time for you to have a baby.
cotedazur cotedazur 5 years
Wow, there's a ton of good advice up there already. But no one has mentioned what would be foremost in my mind... do you really want to give birth to a child who will have half its DNA from that jack*ss you used to date?? OK, not saying that that means you should abort - as everyone else has says it's your decision, and as a lot of single moms have pointed out a child could bring you endless happiness and fulfillment. But personally, I would not want to reproduce with such a bottom-feeder.
sourcherry sourcherry 5 years
This isn't the type of subject you can really give advice about... If it were me, I'd maybe keep the baby, because I've never thought that being a single mother would be such a terrible thing. I think I could still be excited and happy about becoming a mother despite the circumstances. But this is me... if in your heart you feel like you would be miserable as a single mom, than you know the answer... Also, there's the matter of finances. My previous opinion only stands if I could find a way of providing for the baby, with the help of family or friends perhaps (there's the possibility you won't get child support...). If not I don't think I could do it.
medenginer medenginer 5 years
I would talk to the doctor about your options and they can refer you in a direction.
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