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Should I Give Him Another Chance?

"Should I Give Him a Last Chance or Let Go?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

So, my live-in boyfriend and I broke up a few months ago, got back together, and we are currently doing couples therapy.

When he moved out of the house I was devastated. We live far away from both our families, and we do not have many friends here, so I was alone. My mom had to come and stay with me for almost two weeks. It was funny because as I was feeling better and healing, he was getting worse everyday. He asked me for another chance, we "dated" for a few weeks and then he moved back.

I do love him, I like the idea of a future with him, I can imagine our kids, we get along great, he is my best friend . . . but I can't let go of a thing he did in the past. When we met we were very young, he was 19 and I was 21. We are now 26 and 28. He is really attractive and gets a lot of attention. I don't mind that other girls flirt with him, but when he flirts back it drives me insane. During these years he has kissed two other girls. He says nothing else happened with them, but I was not there and I've always had some doubts.

Now that we decided to give ourselves another chance, he has been amazing. I've been making a major effort to make things work, but I'm always thinking that eventually, he will hurt me again, or he will leave me again. If this happens, I will not be as hurt as I was months ago. I no longer depend on him and I know I'll be able to go on with my life, but I feel like I don't want to have my trust broken again.

I had an individual session with our therapist last week and he told me that before we go see him again as a couple, I need to figure out if I really want to be with him and stop spending money on something that won't work if I don't want it to work. And I seriously don't know if I want to be with him or not. Like I said before, I love him, I like the idea of a future with him but I don't know if I'll be ever able to trust on him again.

Please help me!! I'm over-analyzing every little thing we talk or do together to know if I want to be with him or not! How do you know if it is worth it? How do you know if it's worth the risk of getting hurt again?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously in Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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modafiniljunkie modafiniljunkie 4 years
A relationship without trust is doomed to fail.  You say you have trouble trusting him now, and that you're currently in couples therapy.  If you can work out your trust issues (which are based on legit reasons), then great.  You say you're putting forth a major effort into making things work - what is he doing to resolve these trust issues?  Does he still flirt with other women?  He broke your trust, therefore he needs to be the one to fix it.
meb563 meb563 4 years
great advice from henna, as always! It's so hard when your past is affecting your present and future. On one hand, you want to let go, know that he has learned his lesson, forgive, forget, and move forward. On the other, you have the mentality of 'fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.' Two things are certain. One, is that in every single relationship, you run the risk of getting hurt by that other person. Even the nicest of guys (and gals) has been known to stray. You will never be in a relationship with another human being where you don't run the risk of being hurt, and badly. The second is that any relationship where you constantly feel anxious or fearful that you are going to be hurt is not going to be a happy or a healthy one for you or for your partner. You can't operate in a relationship where you are always waiting for the shoe to drop - it's going to make you crazy! I think you should take henna's advice - make some lists and be honest with yourself about the good and the bad in this relationship. Maybe you should try a few more individual counseling sessions before making up your mind or re-committing to couples counseling. If you decide that you want to make this work as long as some of the issues that have plagued your relationship in the past subside, I would strongly encourage you to both do some individual counseling as well as your couples counseling. You will need help dealing with your anxiety and fear over him being unfaithful - but your boyfriend also needs to get to the bottom of why attention from other girls is so appealing to him. I think if you saw him taking real action to address this, it would go a very long way toward making you feel better. It doesn't sound like you doubt his love for your or vice versa - just if the issues can ever be solved. Speaking from experience, a lot of guys who have trouble being faithful are actually very insecure - knowing a pretty girl at a bar is into them makes them feel good. I don't buy the 'men are as faithful as their options' line. They might not be as thoughtful as women at times, they might have one track minds, but they aren't wild animals. They have issues and insecurities that cause them to make bad decisions just like we do. Your boyfriend needs to get to a place (and he needs to want to get there) where is is flattered by the attention from another woman, but realizes that acting on any attraction or flirtation puts your relationship at risk and is disrespectful to you. He should take the ego boost and then walk away. At the end of the day, a lot of your anxiety revolves around wanting to control his desires or actions - something that is simply impossible. Working on yourself - but also knowing that he is working on himself, for his sake and the sake of the relationship, I bet will really help your peace of mind. Good luck!
henna-red henna-red 4 years
It's a great question. It's the question that we all have to ask ourselves with every relationship, and every friendship, with every commitment we make...will this work and is it worth the pain if it doesn't. Unfortunately, no one can answer it for you. We all have our own set of expectations and necessities for every relationship. I suggest you make yourself a list of what you want, what you need, and what you must have in a relationship. And then there is the question, can you control your anxiety around the future if you accept a return to commited status with your guy. Do you have some tools, maybe learned from your therapist, to deal with the mainifestations of anxiety that may pop up if you choose to stay in this couple. Perhaps a question you could also consider is....would this choice be any easier with another man? All love is a risk, and all trust is a process, and a choice. If you can't find your way to trusting him, which may take some time to rebuild, then I agree with your professional, don't commit to this relationship. But what makes it worth it? What makes it worth it for you? You've stated some very important things for your future, but what about now? The future is only possible if you can deal with now. Try the list of must haves and needs, and perhaps a list of deal breakers. And then ask yourself what's on the list that might not be a part of your current relationship. Ask yourself if your list is realistic, and if it is, then can you and your guy fill in the missing pieces? Or do you think you can, because you'll never know for sure unless you accept the risk, and try. good luck OP
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