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Should I Leave My Boyfriend?

"Should I Stay or Should I Go?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a year and two months. Since this year has started, I’ve been trying to decide what I need to do in regards to our relationship. My main issue is the minimal effort he has put into making things work. He has his own business, of which he needs one or two more people to assist. However, besides his sister helping on occasion, he does everything on his own. From the start, I understood, as well as accepted this. However, our dates have always been centered around his business or attending one friend’s parties. This averages out to me seeing him about once a month.

We have never gone out and spent an evening by ourselves, nor have we ever done anything “special.” When I ask him about this, he always just says he’s busy. His sister has said to both him and myself, that even if he’s busy, he has the type of business in which I can hang out at. After two big blow outs between us where he was blatantly disrespectful to me, I’m beginning to wonder about the future of our relationship. He used to call me at least once a day, and now three to four days will pass before he calls. I usually try to call him at least once a day, however, I’ve noticed that if I don’t call him, four days will pass before I hear anything from him.

So, over a week ago I called him and told him I don’t think it was going to work. He invited me over to talk about it and the conversation ended after I expressed my frustration with our current state of affairs. He told me that he loves me, he doesn’t want to lose me, and he promises that he is going to give me much more attention. He has promised this before, which I have pointed out, but he says that this time it’s really going to be different.

This past week, the only time we spoke was when I called. Of course, our conversations never even lasted past three minutes. This morning, I called him to let him know that I was going to be in town later, to help my cousin organize an upcoming charity event, and was wondering if he would like to get together in the evening. He was hesitant at first, and then said that he was going to be busy, but I could come over. He’s planning to have friends over.

This is how it’s been from the time we’ve met. I love him, but I’m increasingly feeling like I deserve more than this. I would like for us to spend time together, especially seeing as I have to drive an hour to see him. I do all the driving because he doesn’t drive. What should I do?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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dashsuede dashsuede 4 years
@testadura67 oh..................................................... :)
testadura67 testadura67 4 years
@dashsuede Future reference, the "oh........................................" was what made it sound sarcastic. And rude. Seat taken.
dashsuede dashsuede 4 years
@testadura67 Oop. You sound mad. Twisting your words? There was a question mark there asking for clarification, soooo you can feel free to have a seat. In my opinion, those situations don't take courage. Any desperate person can enter a relationship (not saying anyone here is desperate ;) ). Sounds like this person entered a relationship with someone who gave the minimum and expected him to change.
testadura67 testadura67 4 years
@dashsuede No, it takes courage to enter a relationship with known obstacles. Distance, work schedules, school schedules, children from previous relationships. Obstacles take work from both parties to overcome, and you can never know for sure what the other person will contribute. So yes, it's a leap of faith, requiring courage. But feel free to twist my words however suits you best.
dashsuede dashsuede 4 years
@testadura67 It takes courage to enter a relationship where someone doesn't have time for you? Oh.......................................................................................
testadura67 testadura67 4 years
I commend you for giving it a shot when you knew from the beginning his life was that busy. It takes courage to enter a relationship when you know there are circumstances that will make it difficult. So take heart that you gave it your best, and let it go. Those circumstances can be overcome if both parties do their work, and he's made it clear through his actions he's not going to do his part. I think you've given him way too many chances already, time to move on.
larisa5656 larisa5656 4 years
I'm in kind of the same situation right now. My boyfriend and I live about an hour apart from each other, and while we're trying to talk on the phone at least once a week and hang out every other weekend, it feels like I'm making more of an effort than he is. I need some romance (i.e., occassional compliments, thoughtful gestures to show he cares, etc.) but he hasn't made any attempts in this department, nor am I sure how to ask him to do so. Its still early days in this relationship, so I'm going to give him about another month to get over his nervousness. If things haven't changed by mid-March though, I'm leaving him.
dashsuede dashsuede 4 years
I really don't get why you put up with that from the beginning. Ditch him.
wolfpackgal wolfpackgal 4 years
You just described my relationship - the one that I just ended. It lasted a year and two months (ha!). My ex was one of the only people at his friend's brand new business, and everything he did revolved around that business. I tried to accept that, but I would always come second to his job and money. He wouldn't put the effort into our relationship that he would into his other interests, including the business and his friends and his car. I was constantly giving him chances to "fix" it, but he was just not ready for a relationship. I needed more and he couldn't give it to me. When we were together, things were great. When we were apart, I felt lonely and like I wasn't even in a relationship. I was making all the effort to make it work, and he just went about his life as if I weren't in it. I felt insecure and needy and awful when we weren't together, and that's not how a relationship should be. It took me catching him cheating to finally leave him, but looking back, I realize that we were just on two totally different levels. I was ready for a committed, caring relationship, and he just wanted a girl to come home to when it was convenient. If he's not giving you what you need, and you are questioning the relationship, leave. Guys like this do not change.
missmaryb missmaryb 4 years
Agreeing with the above. He has his own life, and he doesn't seen to want to change anything to insert you into it. It's fine to hang out for business related stuff occasionally, but he should also be making time for just the 2 of you. And seeing someone once a month and talking sporadically unless you make the effort doesn't make for a happy relationship. If you're not willing to let go yet, I would try to talk with him one more time. Be very specific. "I want you to set aside one day a month that's 100% ours" or "I need a phone call at least every other day" or whatever it is that you really need from this guy. If he's not willing to do at least that much, then I would hit the road. Good luck.
henna-red henna-red 4 years
If this is the relationship after 14 months, then I would expect he's completely satisfied with how it is now, and if you want more from a relationship, more than he is willing to give, then you will need to find someone else. Someone who is willing to give and do and have the more that you're sad about not having. It's impossible to expect him to do something that he's never done in those 14 months. Past behavior predicts future behavior, and if he doesn't even want to spend time talking...........what chance is there for change? Do you want to go on doing all of the work and getting little in return? You only have the ability to change you and your choices, not him and his. It's all about choices. If you want a new result, then you need to make a new choice. blessed be
kurniakasih kurniakasih 4 years
You're right. You deserve more. That's about what I think after reading your post, but whether you should stay or go, it's really your choice. I hope you make the choice that will make you happy in the long run, life's too short to be unhappy. :)
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