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Should I Leave My Husband?

"I'm 21 and Want Out of My Horrible Marriage"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I am 21 and got married when I was 18 because I got pregnant and thought it was the right thing to do. Well after I got married my husband became someone else. We were always fighting about stupid things. I got so stressed out about our fighting I ended up losing our baby when I was about three months pregnant, which stressed me out way more. I am no longer allowed to see any of my friends, I'm not allowed to have a cell phone because he thinks I will be talking to me ex boyfriends who I have not seen or heard from in years, he is allowed to go out with his friends and have a cell phone and do what he wants to do. He has not told me he loves me in about a year and I swear I try everything to make him happy and nothing works he has just become a mean and heartless person.

Well I started a new job a while back on 3rd shift which did not go over well he was furious, but we need money because he blows it all on drugs and alcohol. So to the point I did in fact meet someone at my job. We have not done anything together at all he has taken me out to breakfast a couple times and we just talk. He is soooo sweet and kind and caring and is always so concerned about how I am doing. He pull out chairs and opens doors and if it is raining out he pulls off his coat and holds it over me head even though I told him I had an umbrella. We just talk for hours and hours about everything and nothing. He makes me laugh like I have never laughed before. Every morning I get off work my cheeks hurt because he makes me laugh so much. He knows I am married but am not happy anymore and he does not have a girlfriend. He never tries anything with me because of my marriage but tells me I don't deserve what my husband puts me through.

I don't know what to do. I feel obligated to me husband because of our vows but I don't know if I can live like this for the rest of my life . . . does it make me a horrible person because this new guy has been showing me what I have been missing out on and now I want out? I don't know what to do please please please I need advice.

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GZO GZO 4 years
 @steph1234  @GZO Oh no, I agree that she shouldn't lead into things whining and crying, but judging solely from what she said, it sounds like this situation is past the point of having a conversation to fix things. If his behavior really is as she stated (controlling, neglecting, jealous, using all their money to support his substance abuse), then I'm not sure that there's hope for change. But you're right, having a calm conversation could really shed some light on the situation, especially in seeing how he responds. If he gets mad and doesn't even want to hear it, then I think she needs out. 
steph1234 steph1234 4 years
@GZO I didn't suggest being extra nice as an effort to change anything, but merely as a way to get a serious and adult conversation started calmly. A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger (Provers 15:1).
henna-red henna-red 4 years
Wow, the very best of luck to you jojobeans! I'm rooting for you, and wishing the best.
jojobeans85 jojobeans85 4 years
Okay update for everyone. Me and the guy I work with are just friends. We have decided to keep it at that for a long time. I have taken in the advice and today while he was gone my mother and me went and cleaned out our apartment. I forgot a bunch of stuff because we were in a rush but I got the important stuff. It worked out well for a while until he got back there and saw all my things were gone. Needless to say he was not the happiest camper. And steph1234 thank you for your advice but cooking him a nice dinner and trying to be nice to him will not work. Me trying to fix things and him not caring would not turn out good. I have tried everything to make this work. I have tried sitting him down and talking to him and he freaks out. I have tried leaving once before this while he was at home and that did not turn out well for me. Nothings helps so monday I will be filing for a divorce and hopefully put this behind me and learn from it. Thank you every one for your opinions and support. You all have helped me a great deal and given me a lot of courage to help do what I had to do.
la-nouvelle-vague la-nouvelle-vague 4 years
Your husband is definitely borderline abusive and extremely controlling. Not letting you see your friends or deciding that you can't have a cell phone are clear examples that he runs your own life, not you. And unless he gets counseling or help, this type of behavior only gets worse with time. Get out of this marriage now. You cannot live the rest of your life being controlled, ignored, unloved by someone whose main priorities are "drugs and alcohol." It's nice that you have this guy at work to talk to. But keep it at just that, talking, friends, nothing more until you are out of your marriage. Even once you are out of your marriage, I think you need time off just to yourself to recuperate from the horrible life you've been living for the past 3 years before you jump into another relationship.
GZO GZO 4 years
 @steph1234 While I agree that she should definitely cool it with this other guy, I don't think being "extra nice" to her husband for one day is going to change this situation. As the OP stated, she needed to get a job (which he was "furious" about, even!) because he blows their money on drugs and alcohol. He won't "allow" her to get a cell phone. She's stuck in a marriage to a jealous, controlling, neglectful addict, and it is clear that, even if he may "love" her (which he clearly hasn't expressed in a very long time), her certainly does not trust her. I'd chalk it up to a youthful mistake, and, I know it sounds terrible, but, if he was going to turn into the man that she tells us he is, then she should thank her lucky stars that there are no longer any children involved. 
GZO GZO 4 years
"I feel obligated to me husband because of our vows but I don't know if I can live like this for the rest of my life"Yes, vows are important. How did they go? Will you love, honor, and comfort him/her? Something like that? Guess who already broke the vows. (Hint: you're married to him.) You are too young to be stuck in such a position. If you don't make a change, you will be unhappy for the rest of your life.    But do pay attention to GTCB's comment... you don't want something that is [at the moment] innocent enough ruining your life even more.
GuitarGal GuitarGal 4 years
I can understand that there are strong societal, familial and personal pressures involved in getting married, especially while being pregnant. I am so sorry to hear that these bad things happened to you, but you need to gather up your strength and think about the safety and well-being of yourself and eventually for any children you might have with this man. His behaviour doesn't sound like anything that can be changed easily, and he is THE ONLY person who can change his behaviour . From what I've heard, divorce is nowhere easy--from the personal stresses and societal/familial judgements to the financial strains, it sounds very tough! But the most important thing to think about right now is you! Will you feel safe, happy, supported (emotionally and financially) respected and loved by your husband if you stay with him? Is he sticking to his own vows? From the sounds of it, this situation of drug abuse, control of you and neglect of the relationship between you two could very easily transition into a DANGEROUS place. So you made the choice of marrying this guy at 18, but do you want to be stuck in that relationship for the rest of your life? If you choose to have kids someday, do you want that for your kids? Please look out for yourself, because your feelings ARE important! They do have a reason and you deserve a good man that will not even for a second behave like this one is. Please reach out to a divorce attorney and just talk to them about your situation, but like GTCB said, please don't go any further with this guy (as wonderful as he sounds) at work for the time being. Good luck!
GTCB GTCB 4 years
You need to contact a divorce attorney immediately and understand your rights and options.  Under no circumstances should you pursue any activity with this new guy until you speak with your attorney and understand how that might negatively affect you.
subliminalseduction subliminalseduction 4 years
I don't hate to suggest divorce at all. Your husband exhibits classic signs of emotional abuse, like isolating you and exhibiting controlling behavior. On the other hand, I would not be so quick to jump into something else, especially with someone who seems to hold little regard for the fact that you are married. Remember, the situation you're in now is a product of the fact that you rushed into things. I would get a divorce, but I would take some time alone afterward. You are only 21, you don't need anyone to take care of you and if you married young, there are a lot of things you need to go back to in order to really know what you want in life and out of a relationship. I split with my ex after three years and I took a year to reconfigure my life and decide who I am and what I want. Only after that did I consider dating, now I have someone who works for me, who shares my interests and supports me. Get out of the situation you're in and take some time off or you may find yourself in the same spot you are now.
steph1234 steph1234 4 years
Ok...First of all, you are married. Regardless of how good or bad a marriage is, you are on dangerous ground talking to another man and getting so close to him like this. Now, I also do not want to suggest divorce... But things to think about...have you tried having an adult conversation with your husband? One without yelling and pointing fingers? Try to get him on a day he is in a good mood. Don't do it right after work, but wait till he's relaxed. Maybe cook him his favorite meal and be extra nice...then ask him if it would be a good time to talk..if so..explain to him that you love him and want what's best for both of you, and let him know you feel controlled, unloved, etc. Ask him calmly (without crying, because that will probably make him mad) if he does in fact love you, trust you etc. Try to have a deep conversation. Maybe this will give you both clarity. You guys are sooooo young. It really sounds to me like a lot of immaturity on both parts. Neither of you were ready to marry, but you hopefully you 2 can work things out and you can stop getting so close to a man who isn't your husband.
testadura67 testadura67 4 years
Then divorce him. You made a stupid mistake for reasons that aren't relevant anymore. Don't divorce him for this other guy though, divorce him because you're unhappy. I'd also make arrangements to move in with your folks or something during the day while he's at work... to be honest your husband sounds a little psycho. Protect yourself, but get out.
Padawan-Pri Padawan-Pri 4 years
I am so so sorry for what you've gone through, especially losing your baby. My heart is so sore for you. Leave him now. You are under no obligation and I don't believe you should have gotten married to him just because you were pregnant Pregnant and in love is very different to pregnant and "it's the right thing to do by society's standard". I do believe in the vows taken in marriage, but he's broken nearly all of them with his behaviour. Drugs and alcohol abuse!?! You deserve much better. You are so young and your life is just beginning. You have so much to learn and look forward to. Sometimes people come into our lives for a reason - the guy from work is showing you how it could be with someone who appreciates you and treats you well, but you need to finish and close this chapter with your husband for good before you begin again, especially with someone new. You need to hear the sound of your own voice first.
henna-red henna-red 4 years
I totaly agree with hisgoldeneyes. Also, if you anticipate trouble, and I think that's smart, then I would make plans to be quiet and quick about it. Make your plans to be gone and move yourself and your stuff when he's not there. If possible, have some friends with you when do that, for safely and support. I would suggest as little contact as possible with him. If safety is an issue, move out,while he's out, and then have hem served with divorce papers. I know that sounds harsh, and impolite, but he's abusive, and a user of substance, so the first priority is your safety, not giving him a chance to react to this in person. I expect it's possible that this may actually be very good for him also. He obviously was completely unprepared to be in a marriage. I think you were probably both unprepared. But even his reation becomes one of relief, it way not happen until this is all over with. Quick and quiet, and with help. Be safe. good luck jojobeans.
HisGoldenEyes HisGoldenEyes 4 years
Jojobean - you need to make sure that you have a strong support group outside of your marriage. Your parents, siblings, family, friends, whatever. Anyone who will support you and help you to get back on your feet on your own. You know what a douche (sorry) your husband is, so you need to be prepared for a fight. If he becomes more aggressive, or abusive, or threatening, you need to contact the police and consider getting a restraining order. And do not hesitate to contact a lawyer to discuss a divorce. I'm so sorry that you are going through this at such a young age, but hopefully you will learn from this experience and it will make you a stronger more self-sufficient woman! Best of luck, and keep us posted!!!!!
jojobeans85 jojobeans85 4 years
Wow you guys are very helpful and just really made me feel better about this. I don't plan on jumping into anything with him, we are just friends as of now. I guess I needed opinions on what my husband seems like. I didn't know if it was only me who thought he was being unfair and mean. Well at least now I know I am not the only one who sees this relationship as a toxic tragedy. Thank you guys so much. Oh yea another question. I do plan to leave this marriage now that I feel I am strong enough but any suggestions as to how I do that with out serious problems arising as I am in the middle of moving up and out?
missmaryb missmaryb 4 years
I so agree with the above. You need to be out of your situation. Can you imagine another 30 or more years of living as you are now? I don't think anyone would blame you for walking out of your marriage. You are being abused, at least emotionally. How wonderful that you have found someone who treats you like a lady and shows you respect. I would advise caution, though. If you have the intention to leave your marriage, take care of that first. And then take things very slowly with this new guy. Continue to build a friendship, and trust and mutual respect before you go jumping into anything all over again. However, if you do not feel you are ready to leave your marriage, then I would maintain a distance from this other man. Do not have an emotional or physical affair, it will only serve to complicate your situation. Good luck.
henna-red henna-red 4 years
I completely agree with pax, you need to get a divorce. In fact, I believe you need to get a divorce before you get any deeper into the relationship with this other man. You are in a completely toxic relationship that is dangerous for you. He's cut you off from all emotional support, and you've allowed him to isolate you. I would be surprised if he isn't physically abusive as well. You need out of this marriage, no matter what happens with this other man. You need out of this marriage because it damages and degrades and frightens you. There is nothing there to keep you, nothing to fix. He's using drugs and alcohol. He's abusive, he's controling, he's dangerous. You need to get out. There is nothing more important than your health and safety, and you can't guarentee that while you are with this man. You are starved for companionship, and compassion, and comfort. It's wonderful that you have found someone who can give those to you, but you need to remember that you are in a very vulnerable position, open to someone who offers kindness, and a great human connection. And he's right, you don't deserve what the husband puts you through, no one does. But before you get really involved with this man, you need to clean up the mess that's in your life. You need to make yourself safe, you need to be able to be happy, even if there is no man in your life. There is no reason to live like this for the rest of your life. Stand up, and step out. It doesn't make you horrible, it makes you human and hopeful. You are not obligated to stay in a situation that is so never going to work. No one is obligated to do that. Make a healthy choice, and leave the unhealthy relationship. Divorce. Best of luck and love to you.
pax4pax pax4pax 4 years
Your vows were not made under circumstances where you should feel morally or legally bound -- you were acting out of care for your baby, and that baby is not here. In fact, as you say, your "husband" made it not happen. He has in effect abandoned you. You are not bound and should get free. Who knows how this new guy will turn out, but, at least, he has shown you that a man can want to treat you right. Leave before the commitment of a child closes the option. Peace.
kitty-Witty kitty-Witty 4 years
think about your past life when your husband was your boyfriend. did your husband behave with you as the guy at your work is doing right now with you? decision is yours because life is yours so think wisely. don't put your step wrongly. what !!!!! your husband does rude behavior with you ? omg !!!!! how can you tolerate all these things? as the guy at your workplace shows care for you but doesn't say anything because you are married it seems that the guy has a nice personality. on the other hand from your post it seems that you have got some feelings for this guy. it's normal because your are stressed out and need support and love in your life . mmm !!! my suggestion to you is leave the horrible man whom you call your husband.
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