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Should I Move or Stay With Boyfriend?

Group Therapy: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I have been living in the same city my entire life and have been wanting to move for the past 5 years. Because of work, parents or exes, I have stayed. I am 28 years old and I want to move. This is the time for me to experience a new city and new opportunities. The only thing preventing me from moving is my current boyfriend. We have been together for 2 years and we have a great relationship. I love him so much! I do not want to move and be away from him! But my entire life I have always put others before me, and I have so many regrets. I don't want to have anymore regrets. I do not know what to do! Part of me feels selfish for wanting to move because I could be compromising our relationship. However, the other part of me thinks it is necessary to move. He wants me to go if that makes me happy but he's pretty pessimistic about long distance relationships.

The reason he cannot move right away is because he helps take care of his mom. He told me if I could help him find a job in NYC he would move. But right now his mom and job are holding him back, which I completely understand. Should I wait for him (what if he will never be "ready")? Should I go up there, work and make contacts to help him find a job? Or go up there and have the mentality "if it's meant to be than it will be?"

Another thing I could do is take a 6 month course there and come home afterwards. But what if I love it up there and decide to stay, doesn't that seem deceptive? Ugh, I don't know what to do! Someone please help!!

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

Source: Flickr User Nestor's Blurrylife

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Tahni Tahni 5 years
I say go for it and help him look for a job... I have been in those shoes and I myself am 28 as well. It sux! I wanted to join the Navy as a Nurse but I have met guy after guys and been in relationships and putting them first only to find out that we never even lasted and it was all a waste of time.. take from me who's been there and go for it!
dikke-kus dikke-kus 5 years
I can understand your desire to see and experience a little of the world before you settle down. Just make sure you have lots of fun weekends with your boyfriend visiting you there or you coming home.He would probably love to get away and have some fun too. It might be really nice for both of you and pull you together even though the distance is there for a time. I hope the dream can turn into a reality for you.
dikke-kus dikke-kus 5 years
I can understand your desire to see and experience a little of the world before you settle down. Just make sure you have lots of fun weekends with your boyfriend visiting you there or you coming home. He would probably love to get away and have some fun too. It might be really nice for both of you and pull you together even though the distance is there for a time. I hope the dream can turn into a reality for you.
jaunteecap jaunteecap 5 years
Go for six months. If you hate it, you can come on home.Also, you are calling this man your boyfriend, right? There's no ring on your finger. You are bound neither by honor or law to stay with him and share in his life forever and ever. Right now you belong to you. And you have some shoe shopping and club hopping to do in New York City.
jaunteecap jaunteecap 5 years
Go for six months. If you hate it, you can come on home. Also, you are calling this man your boyfriend, right? There's no ring on your finger. You are bound neither by honor or law to stay with him and share in his life forever and ever. Right now you belong to you. And you have some shoe shopping and club hopping to do in New York City.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 5 years
I love the idea of taking a 6 month course there. Give it a go, and then you will have a natural breaking point at which to make a choice. I'm particularly fond of this idea because a lot of people i know have a sex and the city, candy colored dream of what NYC is like, when in reality it's a very difficult and potentially alienating place to live. As far as being deceptive, it's not as long as you tell your boyfriend that staying there is a possibility.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 5 years
I love the idea of taking a 6 month course there. Give it a go, and then you will have a natural breaking point at which to make a choice. I'm particularly fond of this idea because a lot of people i know have a sex and the city, candy colored dream of what NYC is like, when in reality it's a very difficult and potentially alienating place to live. As far as being deceptive, it's not as long as you tell your boyfriend that staying there is a possibility.
wolfpackgal wolfpackgal 5 years
Wow, you are living my life. Except that I'm your boyfriend in this situation. My BF has the opportunity to go to a really good school 9 hours away. I feel awful asking him to stay, so I've told him to do what's best for him. He wants me to move with him (away from my family), but there are so many factors. I think the only way I will move for him is if I get a better job than I have now.I think that if you think your life will be better, do it. If you can wait for him, do that. Do what will make you the happiest.
wolfpackgal wolfpackgal 5 years
Wow, you are living my life. Except that I'm your boyfriend in this situation. My BF has the opportunity to go to a really good school 9 hours away. I feel awful asking him to stay, so I've told him to do what's best for him. He wants me to move with him (away from my family), but there are so many factors. I think the only way I will move for him is if I get a better job than I have now. I think that if you think your life will be better, do it. If you can wait for him, do that. Do what will make you the happiest.
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
Do you have a job waiting for you there, yourself? If not, I'd concentrate on getting one first.I'd also recommend having a deep discussion with your boyfriend. What does he intend to do with the rest of his life? Does he plan on caring for his mom indefinitely? That's a huge responsibility and his decision matters very much. It will affect so many of his options for a very long time. Or is her need just temporary? Can anyone else take over?You need to go if you have a job, but if your boyfriend can go with if you just wait a little, consider doing that. Don't try to handle all the what ifs now. You have no idea what will actually happen, so you can't really plan for all contingencies. (Even though you love NYC now, you might hate living there. Being a tourist is amazing, but being a resident gets damn expensive.)
Helen-Danger Helen-Danger 5 years
Do you have a job waiting for you there, yourself? If not, I'd concentrate on getting one first. I'd also recommend having a deep discussion with your boyfriend. What does he intend to do with the rest of his life? Does he plan on caring for his mom indefinitely? That's a huge responsibility and his decision matters very much. It will affect so many of his options for a very long time. Or is her need just temporary? Can anyone else take over? You need to go if you have a job, but if your boyfriend can go with if you just wait a little, consider doing that. Don't try to handle all the what ifs now. You have no idea what will actually happen, so you can't really plan for all contingencies. (Even though you love NYC now, you might hate living there. Being a tourist is amazing, but being a resident gets damn expensive.)
pax4pax pax4pax 5 years
I agree with @NYC10023. You have to put yourself first because it's best for all in the long run.Like on the airplane, you put your oxygen mask on first because then you can help others more effectively.
pax4pax pax4pax 5 years
I agree with @NYC10023. You have to put yourself first because it's best for all in the long run. Like on the airplane, you put your oxygen mask on first because then you can help others more effectively.
NYC10023 NYC10023 5 years
Here is my advice for what it is worth. It is your life, and you need to make decisions that are in your own best interest. Years ago, I was in a similar situation and had a very difficult decision to make. I grew up in a small town in Kentucky. No one in my family had ever left the area for generations. I had a steady girlfriend and my mother was sick. I was taking care of both parents financially and helping my father look after my mother. I was offered a good job in another state that would make it impossible to get home on a regular basis and the job required extensive travel and weekend hours when I returned from traveling. I struggled with leaving my family and my girlfriend, but at the end of the day, I took the job and my life has turned out very well as a result of that decision. My girlfriend moved to join me a year later and we are now married with four children. The new job paid significantly better and I was better able to help my parents. They were happy with my success. So, I think ultimately, you need to do what your heart tells you to do. If your boyfriend loves you, he will find a way to join you in New York. If he doesn't, then it wasn't meant to be. If you stay and miss the opportunities ahead of you, you will end up with regret and possibly resentment towards him for holding you back. I say -- go for it. You can always go home if it doesn't work.
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