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Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

Dear Sugar
I have been hanging out with this guy for a few months now and I am really starting to like him. Before we met, I have to admit, I was a little promiscuous, but he made me want to change my ways. He's showed me how wonderful and satisfying it can be to settle down and commit to one person. He gives me the attention I have always been craving and I feel amazing.

I gradually gave up all my friends and my old ways so I could spend as much time as possible with him. He lives an hour away but that never stopped me from seeing him. After three months of dating, we recently had a talk about becoming exclusive. It was my idea but when I brought it up he told me that he's still not ready. As it turns out, he is still "trying" to break up with his ex girlfriend. I know that should have been my cue to immediately leave, but I told him I would wait for him.

Last week, I drove out to his house to surprise him ... and his ex was there. I was devastated. We got into a fight and he tried to reassure me he was just trying to break up with her. I feel so lost when we fight. I want to believe he is being truthful so badly because I can't image not being with him. Is he really trying to break up with her? I just don't know what to do. Can you help? Desperate Dina

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Desperate Dina
What is your gut telling you? It sounds like you know this isn't right, but you just don't want to be without him. As hard as it might be, I think that before you become even more emotionally invested in him, you need to think long and hard about what's going on. Liars can't be trusted and I think you and I both know that he is not being honest with you.

If he really wanted to end things with his ex girlfriend, they would be totally broken up by now. I worry that he is taking advantage of your feelings toward him and that he's just going to continue to string you along.

As scary as it feels to be without him right now, you deserve to be treated with respect and compassion. You have changed your dating lifestyle once before, you just need to find that same confidence and do it again. Try to rekindle your old friendships and rebuild your support system. It's not right that he is making you wait on the sidelines only to commit when the time is right for him. You deserve to be put first.

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getstinko getstinko 9 years
Justjamie27 I'm a man and I agree with you 100%. NEVER SETTLE. Your list of reasons to kick dudes to the curb is 100% on target. That principle also cuts both ways. But most of the time women will not cut men loose and they accept bullsh** answers like "I was breaking up with her".
kh61582 kh61582 9 years
I think it's game to tell you the truth. "Trying" to break up with someone might take a few weeks but not months. Maybe you're best way to go is to tell him that you're going to stop seeing him until he finally does it.
t0xxic t0xxic 9 years
U def need to move on gl -------------------- -------------------- Watch us play secret santa, and every tuesday fab find for our wishlist!
justjaime27 justjaime27 9 years
Thanks, B.B! :) Sometimes it's hard to relay emotions online, or what you mean by what you type...lol
BeachBarbie BeachBarbie 9 years
justjamie, I like your comment. It doesn't sound b*tchy to me; it sounds like the truth, in my opinion. :D
justjaime27 justjaime27 9 years
Ok I realize after reading over my old blog lol that it may sound like I am somewhat bitchy. I'm really not...I mean, nobody is perfect, and the list I gave you up there was a list of things that bugged me or friends of mine, so I just put it all down...but there are ALWAYS going to be little things that bug you about someone...lol it's whether or not you can DEAL with those little things your entire life or not. If you really don't think you can, ever, then I say move on. This is just my opinion, of course...basically what I'm saying is don't settle, because you deserve to be happy in the end. :) Good luck! P.S. Through my experience, "once a cheater, always a cheater" stands pretty true...sadly. You just have to go with your best judgement.
justjaime27 justjaime27 9 years
Yeh....I agree. Though nobody knows the REAL situation but you. However, I think it's time to be selfish & get what YOU deserve, nothing less, so I would drop him & find someone new, or better yet, invest time with friends/family until that special someone does come along. Being single can be fun! Good luck to you...here's a blog I wrote to my friends once...maybe it'll help. Hey ladies...this is advice I just gave to a friend, so I'm sharing it with all of you! :) Now read....and remember, boys are a dime a dozen!!! Boys are dumb and stupid. "Boys are from Jupiter, to get more stupider, Girls are from Mars, they get more candy bars"...lol Remember that little phrase/song from when you were little?! lol You know, I'm not sure what your situation is right now, but if you're single, I say why not date? Date a TON! Date and date and date and date. The secret is to not settle (or sleep...lol) with anyone...because you're going to compare everything about them...and if there's one thing you know you'd never be able to deal with in life, then dump 'em. Move on. It's time to say, "Neeeext!!!" And date someone new. *He doesn't pay attention enough & you like attention? Forget him. Move on. *He likes to smoke the buddha and you hate the buddha? Forget him. Move on. *He doesn't know how to pick up a telephone and you like to get called every day? Forget him. Move on. *He's too into drinking or drugs and you prefer someone clean? Forget him. Not your problem. Move on. *You think he's really cute but there's something about him that's just not right? Forget it. Don't waste your time...move on. *You LOVE hanging out with him, he's cute, he's awesome, but his breath always reaks? If he doesn't know how to brush his teeth now, he never will. Move on. *He hangs out with his friends too much and not you enough? Forget it. If you're not worth his time, he's not worth your time. He sucks, move on. *He's really great and really cute and kisses really well but his mom rules his life? Can't deal with it? Forget him. Move on. *He sends you flowers and flowers and flowers and flowers and gives you tons of presents but is never around because of some excuse or another? Forget him. He's not Mr. Wonderful, he's Mr. Cheater. Move on. *He's really cute but always makes you pay because he is a lazy ass, forget him. He needs to get a job. Move on. *He is soooooo cute but toys with your emotions or hurts you physically OR mentally, he's DEFINITELY not worth it. Forget him. Move on. *He drinks and drives and you don't feel safe with him, forget 'em. Move on. *He's reeealllly cute and realllly rich, but realllly arrogant & cocky and you don't like that, forget 'em. Move on. The list could go on and on and on. The point I'm trying to make is that you SHOULD date. Date lots! Have FUN dating. Go into a relationship not expecting marriage, not expecting love, but wondering, "Gee, wonder how long this one will last for." Make it YOUR world. Play the field. Make YOUR rules. If there's something you don't like about a guy, the fact is that guys DO NOT CHANGE. You CANNOT change a guy. Not one of 'em. So don't waste your time trying...if they're not good enough for you, it's not being bitchy, it's being smart. GET SELFISH!!! YOU DESERVE to be treated like a PRINCESS and LOVED like an angel, so don't settle EVER until you find someone that makes you at LEAST 98% happy most of the time. I'm not saying that once you find someone life will be PERFECT, of course it won't. You'll always find it's ups in downs, as in any relationship. But at least you know you've dated and dated and you know what to look for. If there's any ONE little thing that drives you nuts & you can't deal with it, EVER, forget 'em. Move on. The fact is that BOYS are a dime a dozen. There are only a FEW good men out there, and while there's only a FEW, there are still enough, and you WILL find a good man, but until you do, DON'T settle, ladies, you don't have to! Make it be about YOU. Because in the end, it's YOUR happiness that matters...nobody else's. :) Before I met Steve I dated a different guy almost every week...lol. I had gone through a really bad relationship (abusive mentally/physically) in high school, and after that I PROMISED myself I'd NEVER let a guy treat me less than 100% wonderful, because I KNEW I deserved to be happy. So, it's true, I dated a LOT. It was fun, it really was! I didn't SLEEP with them, but it was fun to date...ha ha. If one didn't make me happy for one reason or another though, I moved on. I can't even tell you how many guys I dated...lol but I NEVER settled...until I found Mr. Right, instead of Mr. Right Now. And my Mr. Right was Steve. He gave me butterflies, he gave me love, he gave me attention, he made me feel good about myself, he made me a priority in his life, he respected me. He cared about me. He just loved me. And was and still is SO good to me. I love that man, but would maybe have never found him if I hadn't dated as much as I did. So be true to yourself...and date and date and date...don't settle, and in the end, my dear beautiful friends, lol, you WILL find a good MAN. :) So many of my friends go through this issue, and it drives me nuts!!! GUYS ARE A WASTE OF TIME if you're not happy with them, not worth your tears, not worth your time. But they ARE cute, aren't they? So just date! My mom always told me, "just play the field, have fun". I never listened to her in highschool, but after highschool I finally took her advice, and look where I ended up in the end...happy!!! So I'm passing this advice onto all of YOU! Make guys WORK FOR YOU! Play hard to get, because you ARE! Best of luck, my friends.....hang in there. :) -J :) 7:21 PM
a-nonny-mouse a-nonny-mouse 9 years
"Trying to break up with an Ex-gf," he says. That's *really* lame. How hard is it to break up with someone if you are sure you no longer want to be with her? (And considering that they aren't married, nor are living together -- it shouldn't take more than a single conversation.) And how exactly is she an "ex" girlfriend, yet they are not officially broken-up? How in the world does that work? (I thought it must necessarily follow that if she is (in fact) an Ex, then they must have *already* ended their relationship. So the extended break-up drama is for. . .what reason?) I'm sorry, sweet-pea, but it sounds like boy-of-your-dreams wants to have his cake and eat it, too. He's getting it from both ends, and as long as you keep letting him having YOU, it isn't likely he'll make a decision between the two of you any time soon. (Why would he? He's gotten away with it for a few months; why stop?) I find it ironic that he "showed (you) how wonderful and satisfying it can be to settle down and commit to one person" -- yet HE isn't willing to do the same for you. Funny. I know this sounds harsh, and I'm sure there are some relevant "circumstances" but *nothing* can excuse his behavior. It simply does NOT require such an ordeal to break up with an Ex that he doesn't value (and care for) as much as you. . .unless, of course, he does. Seems like Mr. Man cannot make up his mind. You should make it up for him. (Yes, you DO deserve better -- and, not for nothing, because he is playing this emotional tug-of-war with you and Ms. Ex, he really isn't as great and wonderful as he seems. He just puts on a good show.) My heart hurts for you, but it's better to break this relationship off entirely, than to become the future Ex that he strings along while he is cultivating new romances with other girls. (Or, worse, become the proverbial "other woman" while he continues his on-again-off-again romance with current Ex/Not-Ex for who-knows-how-long.)
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