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Should I Tell Him I Lied?

Group Therapy: Should I Tell Him I Lied?

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I have made a massive mess of my love life and hurt two people in the process. Please don't judge, because I already know what I did was wrong. I am looking for advice on what to do next.

I was involved in a long distance relationship for 4 years. The man was attentive, gave gifts and offered frequent vacations, but he was also controlling and could get angered extremely easily. This year I decided to break it off. I tried, repeatedly, but we would end up having extremely long, tiring conversations and I would just give up. I felt my wish to break up was being ignored and I started seeing another man at the same time (also long distance) with every intention of breaking up with my boyfriend, but never doing it. Neither of them knew about the other. The other LD man thought I had broken up with my boyfriend. Long story short, I stayed with my boyfriend until very recently. He had become more controlling the more distant I became, and hacked in one of my accounts. When I broke up with him, he hacked into more accounts, sent me unwanted emails, phone calls and texts. He also sent three emails to the other man asking him about what kind of a relationship we have and threatening him.

Should I tell the man I'm currently seeing about what I did? I think that would only hurt him, but I am afraid my ex will tell him first, and that would be much worse to hear it from him. Should I break up with him although I want to be with him? Again, I KNOW I should have broken up with my ex entirely before moving on. I didn't and that was wrong.

How should I proceed?

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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dahliadreamer dahliadreamer 4 years
A friend of mine once dated a guy who had an ex-wife. When she found out my friend and her ex-husband were dating, she somehow found out my friends' number and continually called her, harrassing her, and texting her hurtful messages. My friend considered reporting her to the police, but when things ddn't turn out with her and the ex-husband, she let it be. When teh problem is essencially not yours, best to let whoever is in for it, deal with it. You're in a tough spot. I agree with telling your new guy everything, and making sure that you know he has to make the decision of whether or not to stay with you. Let him know that you respect him, and whatever decision he makes. As for your ex, I say do what annbaby said: call him and be real. Just tell him it's over, and that's it. Make sure he knows that you're not afraid to bring the police into this if he continues to harrass you, and I suggest getting rid of all your accounts he's gotten into, and not make new ones just yet. Disconnect yourself from the online world for a week or so, at least until you know for sure you've lost this guy. Better safe than sorry.
dahliadreamer dahliadreamer 4 years
A friend of mine once dated a guy who had an ex-wife. When she found out my friend and her ex-husband were dating, she somehow found out my friends' number and continually called her, harrassing her, and texting her hurtful messages. My friend considered reporting her to the police, but when things ddn't turn out with her and the ex-husband, she let it be. When teh problem is essencially not yours, best to let whoever is in for it, deal with it. You're in a tough spot. I agree with telling your new guy everything, and making sure that you know he has to make the decision of whether or not to stay with you. Let him know that you respect him, and whatever decision he makes. As for your ex, I say do what annbaby said: call him and be real. Just tell him it's over, and that's it. Make sure he knows that you're not afraid to bring the police into this if he continues to harrass you, and I suggest getting rid of all your accounts he's gotten into, and not make new ones just yet. Disconnect yourself from the online world for a week or so, at least until you know for sure you've lost this guy. Better safe than sorry.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 4 years
Yes you need to tell him. Two more things: the fact that you didn't stick to your guns when you tried to break up with him tells me that you need to grow a bit more of a backbone. Not only is this a useful life skill, but strong women tend to scare off creeps like your ex (which is a good thing). Also I wonder what's up with you and the LDRs? Most people have one of those and decide it's not worth it.
annbaby annbaby 4 years
Above all you have to make sure that your old boyfriend will not do anything to harm the new guy. He is innocent and does not deserve to be threatened, blackmailed, or beat up.Phone the old boyfriend, tell him clearly that it's over. Don't argue. Tell him it's the end and tell him if he does not stop harassing you and the new man, you will get the police involved. If he tries to argue, repeat yourself about the police and hang up.
annbaby annbaby 4 years
Above all you have to make sure that your old boyfriend will not do anything to harm the new guy. He is innocent and does not deserve to be threatened, blackmailed, or beat up. Phone the old boyfriend, tell him clearly that it's over. Don't argue. Tell him it's the end and tell him if he does not stop harassing you and the new man, you will get the police involved. If he tries to argue, repeat yourself about the police and hang up.
pax4pax pax4pax 4 years
You should tell as per the above. You are in ultimate control so ignore that threat. Get police involved if need be.
pax4pax pax4pax 4 years
You should tell as per the above.You are in ultimate control so ignore that threat. Get police involved if need be.
missmaryb missmaryb 4 years
Agree with Raynne413. Come clean with everyone and let the chips fall where they may.
Raynne413 Raynne413 4 years
Well, considering that your ex is threatening him, I think you need to explain the situation to him. He may or may not forgive you, but he does need to know. Do you think your ex is actually controlling/obsessive enough to follow through on his threats? If so, your new guy, and possibly you, may need to get a restraining order.
Raynne413 Raynne413 4 years
Well, considering that your ex is threatening him, I think you need to explain the situation to him. He may or may not forgive you, but he does need to know.Do you think your ex is actually controlling/obsessive enough to follow through on his threats? If so, your new guy, and possibly you, may need to get a restraining order.
bexpeep bexpeep 4 years
this is really tough, and though i havent been in the exact situation, ive been in a stunningly similar one. i didnt tell the other guy, he found out, and then trust was gone. I feel like you may be in a lose lose situation, but the right thing to do is tell the other guy everything. just put EVERYTHING out there, its his decision what to do, and since you are the one who screwed up, it is his decision to leave or stay. its tough. One piece of advice, if he does decide to stay with you, make sure there acctually is a healing process going on, because some guys will stay with a girl but treat them like crap after something like this, which helps no one.
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