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Should I Be Worried About His Little White Lies?

Dear Sugar
My husband and I got married a year and a half ago and we are deeply in love, however, we’ve seem to have headed into unfamiliar territory and it’s upsetting to both of us. We used to fight infrequently, and lately all we do is bicker. I am saddened that there is this distance between us right now because I know how much we really do love and care for each other.

I need some help finding communication tools that will be useful for us. Lately, my husband has been telling me little white lies. They are small things such as telling me that he watched the game with his buddy, when in actuality he went to the game with his buddy.

Or, he'll tell me that he'll be home at 6 and then he will come home but then leave again for a dinner meeting. The latest and greatest was that he was going to a meeting with clients, but really he was meeting his clients at a casino to gamble. He claims they were doing business there. Hey, maybe they were, but that just isn't the same as the whole truth.

Like I said, these aren’t big lies, but why can't he just tell me what he's really doing? I feel like he’s thinks I am going to be upset so he just leaves out the details. If he only knew that omitting the full truth is what is really upsetting to me. Why doesn’t he want to talk to me anymore? We used to be best friends and I want to get that back. Also, do you think the lies are going to get bigger? Trust Me Trista

To see DEARSUGAR’s answer

Dear Trust Me Trista
Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Women tend to have floral vocabularies and can talk for hours while men feel bothered and bogged down by details and minutia. But you are right, you guys need to figure out what language each other is speaking to have a successful marriage where you can feel secure and trust each other.

I would suggest going in for a few sessions of couples counseling. You are perceptive enough to have your problem targeted - and really all that you need is for someone to observe and then referee your communication styles. Be sure and let the therapist know that you only plan on coming in for a few sessions and that you would like to focus on finding ways to help talk to each other before your problems get bigger.

There definitely seems to be a distance between you two right now. Before you go to counseling do a little bit of work on yourself and try to own up to your end of the conversation. Do you often jump to conclusions or get angry when your husband wants to have some fun without you? Are you more controlling than you'd like to be? Knowing your own downfalls will not only surprise him, but it will help you emotionally prepare for constructive criticism which can sometimes be painful.

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gossipqueen gossipqueen 9 years
Maybe you have become to needy and controlling??? just a thought... It is hard to realize it but we can be real b*tches sometimes and to be honest all the examples of "lies" didn't sound like lies to me... If you want your man to be on your timetable only...you're dreaming...especially if he has a demanding job. Who likes to go from stressful work to stressful home??? Oh...and "revenge" only hurts a relationship...NEVER helps. If you can't act like a grown up...what makes you think he has to. Talk without nagging is the best way. Find out why he does what he does without sounding like an obsessed wife.
fat-kat fat-kat 9 years
Always think little lies turn into big lies. If there was nothing to hide what is wrong with telling the truth. Take your husband out to dinner or make his favorite dinner but keep in mind make an appointment with him because that will an excuse I didn't know. You need to let him know that you need to talk to him. Once a man feel he can tell you anything and feels you believe because you say nothing it will lead to more than little white lies it can turn into cheating. Let him know how you feel. If this continue and you want to stay in the marriage keep yourself busy. If he goes out you go out, try to come in later than him so he can see how it feels. no revenge is not the answer but sometimes you have to do what you need to do , to keep from getting upset. If a man is going to do something he has his mind on he will do it no matter what and there is no stopping him, just keep that in mind. Do your thing, go out get with a few girlfriends, if they are to busy go and pamper yourself. keep your head up and look out for numeral uno- YOURSELF!
jenintx jenintx 9 years
take it from someone who has been there, this is an issue or will eventually become one. when my former fiance and i started dating, he would tell those little white lies, or twisted truths. at first, i just blew them off because it was small, insignificant stuff; would tell him i wished he had been completely forthcoming (without being judgemental). but then, i started noticing that he lied about EVERYTHING, big or small. it became so much of an issue between us that i called off our engagement and never looked back. if he expected me to be 100 percent, perfectly honest with him, it wasn't too much to ask for that in return, IMHO.
cubadog cubadog 9 years
Maybe it is just me but I really don't see all that much lying going on. He said he would be home at 6 and he was so he had to leave to go to a meeting did you ever stop to think that maybe he got a call on his way home telling him to be somewhere for clients. That happens to me all the time with work. Then he had a meeting with clients why is it so important where it was; I have had tons of meetings in non- traditional settings and it is the norm in business. I have had to go places that I wouldn't necessarily want to go but if it is your job it is your job. People do business with people they like not always who has the best deal!
t0xxic t0xxic 9 years
Im with Shawna and Twinkie lies are lies -------------------- Do you want to play secret santa? Check out my new suite Once upon a Fab Finding Christmas and share all your holiday gift giving ideas and join in our fun!
Jinx Jinx 9 years
Yes, definately be worried. ~Procrastinate Now! Don't Put It Off~ (Ellen)
Sica Sica 9 years
I'm with you Twinkle. _____________________________ "You're drowning in a sea of anarchy, With your heart above your patches and faith in democracy."
Twinkle1 Twinkle1 9 years
Little lies grow up to be big fat lies.
druscilla druscilla 9 years
Don't get me wrong I love guy's,but they all lie at one time or another.It's not a question of if but when!Just my two cents.Good luck on working things out.
Masqueraded_Angel Masqueraded_Angel 9 years
White lies and plain-out lies are the same to me.
My-Opinion My-Opinion 9 years
sounds like a liar to me~!
rkdub rkdub 9 years
I don't know, I say that little white lies lead to big fat ugly lies later.... He really should tell you what is going on, if nothing else than just to fill you in on what is going on in his life. My boyfriend and I have a "state of the union" address when one or the other gets home and we spend half an hour just talking about how our days were, etc. If you set time limits and parameters, it makes it easier to follow through. But, if he is telling little white lies that he never did before, it makes me wonder what made him start?
M155-J4CK13 M155-J4CK13 9 years
I honestly don't think his lies will get any bigger. I believe he is leaving out the details because he feels you might be a little judgemental about where he's going and what he's doing. ie: "I'm going to a friend's house to watch the game" might be a better option than "I'm going with a friend to the game" because he's worried you might say "When are WE going to go out and do something like that together?" or "Who is this friend, where are you going afterwards, when will you be home, who are you going to be meeting up with?". He skips the details because it may provoke a negative reaction. There needs to be more trust in your relationship, if the above is true. Perhaps when he says "I'm going to ____'s house to watch the game", you could say "Oh, it's a shame you guys didn't get tickets for the game. That would have been pretty fun." Maybe, just maybe, he will say "Actually, yeah. We did.", and when he sees that you are completely cool with whatever it is he's keeping from you, he might not be so secretive in the future. Just my two cents.
jennifer76 jennifer76 9 years
If he used to talk to you and be more upfront and now he's holding back, I would look at your behavior. Like Dear said. If you nitpick and nag when he does things you don't like, he may well just stop telling you about them. Something to think about.
sabrinaland sabrinaland 9 years
This situation could so easily get out of hand. Better to sort it out now before you start contemplating having him fitted with a global positioning system, lol.
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