This might be a bit of a rambling post, but I've been feeling really down on myself lately and I think I need some encouraging words and/or a kick in the butt from some helpful strangers. I've always been very confident in myself and my abilities; my relationships are another issue. I've had two serious relationships — one in high school, and one that covered my last half of grade 12 and my first semester of university. That relationship ended nearly 2 years ago, and I've been single since. I've gone on first dates here and there, and hooked up with a few guys, but nothing has stuck. I feel like I have very few opportunities to meet guys. I work 12 hour days, go to bed by 9 pm on weekdays or else I'm a zombie the next morning, and am usually so wiped by the weekends I don't want to go out. I work two jobs and all my coworkers are female. I also do volunteer work that I'm incredibly passionate about, but the vast majority of males volunteering through the organization are gay. I've made friends, but my work/volunteer situations are not conducive to potential new relationships!
I feel like I'm getting out there the best I can, but just can't meet anyone who's right for me. I've started considering online dating, and even chatted with a few guys online, but I'm so young (20) and feel like I shouldn't have to resort to that. I realize that since I'm young, maybe this is my time to enjoy being single. And I do, a lot of the time — I like having freedom and little emotional stress, I like that I can hook up with guys and flirt with whomever I want. Contributing to all these negative feelings is the fact that I'm in the beginning stages of a NSA (no strings attached) situation with a guy that I'm already getting a bad feeling about. I don't want to date him and I'm realizing at this point I'm too vulnerable to handle something like this; while I've previously had no-strings sex work out well, at this point it feels like I'm just jumping at the promise of intimacy and affection, and I get those from him sporadically at best. My gut is telling me I should not see him again, especially since I feel horrible when we go a while without speaking, but those random nights we spend together are pretty great. My brain knows it's a bad idea but my heart realizes how lonely I feel and how nice it is to sleep with someone else in the bed.
I realize this is kind of all over the place and probably pretty sad sounding, but I just feel like I have no idea how to find someone who can be a good partner for me. In just the past few months, I feel like I've reached my breaking point and have started to really acknowledge how lonely I am. So, here I am, reaching out. Any advice, suggestions . . . whatever. Things can't get any worse so I might as well try to make 'em better.