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Sister Is Dating a Sex Offender

Group Therapy: My Sister Is Dating a Sex Offender

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

My sister just told me that she is dating a man who has been in and out of prison for 10 years. He's also a sex offender, and I'm worried for her. I've told her that she needs to be careful and to think that maybe he's done more than he's told her.

He had sex with a 15 year old when he was 17 and then was accused of rape after having consensual sex with someone else, and he's also been to prison for stealing a car. He's even told her that it's easier to be in prison because it's so hard to find a job and make a living if you're a felon.

I tried to explain to her what her future is going to be like with this guy, that it would be difficult for him to find a job in the first place and then what if he gets laid-off? He's also not allowed to live within a certain radius from a school, which would mean that he couldn't take their kids to school in the future, and who knows what the rules are regarding playgrounds. I asked her to take a look at her future with him because I think it will be a lot harder than it should be. She keeps choosing to be with guys who aren't good enough for her and I can't figure out why.

To make matters worse, my fiance doesn't want me to spend time with her if she's with him. I understand that it's his protective instinct, but I don't get to see my sister very often and I don't want to make a stipulation that he can't be there. I know I can't live her life for her, but I'm not sure how to broach the subject without alienating her and pushing her away.

Have a dilemma of your own? Post it anonymously to Group Therapy for advice, and check out what else is happening in the TrèsSugar Community.

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BiWife BiWife 5 years
he slept with someone his own age & became a victim of statutory rape laws that are written very poorly. that doesn't make him the stereotypical sex offender - he didn't commit a violent rape (it was consensual), he didn't sleep with someone vastly younger than him or at another position of risk, there have not been repeat offenses, etc. Your fiance is totally being overprotective and hyper-judgemental of this guy. Your sister may not be picking a Senator or priest to date, but she's hardly putting herself at risk. Calm down. I certainly don't approve of most of the guys my little sister dates (she's turning 22 next month) but I'm not going to disparage them to her or only be around her when they are not. That's honestly quite childish and is going to put a giant wall between you and your sister. For the sake of your sisterly relationship, I would refuse to be given rules like not being allowed to be around your sister if her bf isn't there.
ag2809 ag2809 5 years
I'd bet that there are more restrictions on where he lives and who he associates with, but that's not really the issue. I don't think there's any way to talk to her about this without alienating her, unless she chooses to bring up the topic. Spend time with her and try not to come across as judgmental. Its really hard, but there's only so much you can do, and most important is to keep that door open.
louispuggy louispuggy 5 years
i'd suggest therapy for your sister to figure out why she is dating men that are "bad." there could be an issue of self esteem and matter of trying to rebel. I dont know how her upbringing was but that might play a role in her "men" discussion making. Another thing you can do is get to know your sister's boyfriend, maybe he isn't as bad as you think he is on paper. There are people out there that believe that "bad" people can change, but only if they want too not if someone tells them too. It could be your sister had a great and positive impact on him that he is willing to tell her his life and try to be a better person. Look at this way, its hard to find a job regardless if you are a felon or not, but there are jobs out there and i'm sure he can find one to support himself and his future wife. Sometimes we have to dig deep w/in our hearts to believe that people deserve a second chance even if they've done "bad" things in their past, we all have a something hidden in our closets that we are ashamed of. I hope this helps and good luck.
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 5 years
I'm sorry, that really sucks. You cannot make this decision for her, though. She's going to be with him no matter what you say if her self-esteem is low enough for her to believe she can't do any better. At this point, there's not much for you to do except what courvalant said-- leave it alone and walk away.
somekindofmagic somekindofmagic 5 years
I agree with poster above and believe it or not - I have been in the same situation. It involved my aunt though, who is still dating the guy. You can't do anything to change her mind and her self esteem is so low she thinks these people are good for her. Leave it alone and walk away.
GregS GregS 5 years
You're doing what you can, but it's her life to screw up.
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