"There’s a way that we actually have men take all the responsibility for sexuality, and then we get upset that they’re holding it."
This is the second in a four-part series of interviews I had with Nicole Daedone, who is emerging as the leader of the slow-sex movement and who founded the OneTaste urban retreat center in San Francisco. OneTaste invites men and women to learn about mindful sexuality by participating in workshops, yoga, and (for residents only) controversial "OMing" sessions in which men stroke women to orgasm during daily morning sessions. To read the second part of the interview with Nicole,
TrèsSugar: What is the primary reason women come to OneTaste?
Nicole Daedone: I think it's to connect with power — not what we’ve made power into, something that you lord over people — but to connect with that personal sense of power. I think that’s one of the biggest challenges for women in our age: we don’t have access to our own power, and we don’t have access to our power because the raw source of it is our sexuality and most women have never been trained how to hold that much power in our bodies. So there’s a way that we actually have men take all the responsibility for sexuality, and then we get upset that they’re holding it. Or they have this sort of power within them, and then we get upset that we don’t have that kind of power.
TS: I don't know if you've read Ariel Levy's book Female Chauvinist Pigs, but she talks about how a lot of young women feel that having power in sexuality means attracting men, but it's not about owning it or their own pleasure. And then they wonder why they don’t have good sex.
ND: Well, I think that’s what power in its nascent stages looks like and I think that one of the reasons that we haven’t come to hold our power is that it's embarrassing. I remember when my orgasm was just starting to get turned on and I went from kind of, I was basically attractive, but I went to like “Wow!” I got really power drunk; power drunk doesn’t feel good. And I had to actually feel that something deeper was available.
TS: Do you think women are afraid of that power when they they feel it?
ND: It’s terrifying. As a woman, there isn’t a lot of information about how to do it well. In terms of how to be sexual, there’s no map for it so I’m really having to feel my way around in the dark and make mistakes and that’s scary. By the same token, I think that one of the things that’s happening in this time is that we’re sensing something deeper in ourselves that’s saying we have to listen to our bodies, we have to listen to these sexual impulses and if we have to respond to them, we have to learn how to do it well and do it in a really healthy way.