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Snooped on Boyfriend's Facebook

"I Snooped On My Boyfriend's Facebook...Now What?"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I checked my boyfriend's Facebook while he was away and found that he has been regularly messaging his ex-girlfriend. I know he doesn't want to be with her — they've tried — it didn't work out and they ended it two years ago. He told me they stay in touch, but I didn't realize he meant they message each other at least once a week. The messages are normal (they live in different countries), "How are you. What are you up to this week? Miss you — hope all is well. This is what is going on with me. . . blah blah blah."

He hasn't done anything to cross the line indicating that they're more than just friends, but the thing is he LOVED this girl and wanted to marry her just three years ago. He tells me he could never be with her again due to his beliefs (he's agnostic and can't be with women that are religious).

Despite all of this, I'm hurt. I wish he didn't have this tight relationship with his ex, even though it is a respectful one.

I can't admit that I know this, or that it's been bothering me, because I snooped. What should I do? I'm seriously thinking about breaking up, because I feel if one is done with a relationship, they are done and there should be no need to connect all the time. If I do choose to break up with him though, what do I say my reason is? He has been nothing but sweet/nice to me.

Thank you for answering!

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subliminalseduction subliminalseduction 4 years
I come from the school of thought that unless they had kids together, there really isn't much reason to talk. You are in the wrong for snooping, and he was totally forthcoming about it, so there may be nothing to it. I just always found it to be an issue of respect. I don't speak to my exes, simply because the relationship is over and there really isn't much left to talk about, unless there's a "Merry Christmas" greeting or a mutual friend is in trouble or getting married or something to that effect. My boyfriend now maintains no contact at all with his. I think it's great they ended things on good terms and it's good they can be cordial, and for some people that works if you trust each other implicitly and he gives you the same respect in regard to your exes. What concerns me is why you felt the need to snoop in the first place, because clearly you must be taking issue with something he's doing.
henna-red henna-red 4 years
Absolutely, totaly, completly agree with Pazuzu. Just because one person feels that the past is past, and a failed romatic relationship should be the end of all of the relationship, doesn't mean that's how it is, how it has to be, or how it should be. What is this, how it should be. Life isn't about one st of rules, one set of guidlines, one way and one way only to act and react.
Pazuzu Pazuzu 4 years
Dikke kus, not all relationships end in hatred, never wanting to see that person again. You can deeply love someone but realize it wont work out and still care for them. My cousins parents got divorced and still care for eachother.They talk at least three times a week, go to school functions together, they're friends. They shared their life, they have children. When you lose a lover you dont have to lose a friend. Not everyone is a catty vindictive ex. Some people are mature. I think if he was putting the ex above the current then that's not right. But he doesn't ignore her, blow off plans just to talk to his ex, spend more time with his ex than her. He never lied about their communications, she misinterpreted it. I don't see anything wrong with the situation as it is and I don't see anything wrong with maintaining a relationship with an ex.
dikke-kus dikke-kus 4 years
I'm sick of people telling other women their snooping. It's beside the point. She lives with the guy and he's NOT being completely honest about his ex. Who can have complete trust with that situation going on? Who bothers talking to an ex girlfriend overseas once a week unless they still care? He talks to her more than his mother. Are we supposed to believe he wanted to marry her, that she was the love of his life, and now she's just a pen pal? Adults who make clear decisions, and get married and have children don't placate to ex girlfriends or boyfriends. Thats because they know better. Do you think the posts above, their father's talk to ex girlfriends? Why don't you get your mother's advice on that one? The fact of the matter is she's so far away, and she's so behind in his past, that it shouldn't even be a consideration in his mind anymore. He should be annoyed by her calls, deleting her how are you messages because quite frankly it's a waste of his phone time. Its not what he does, but what he's not doing here folks. He should be too busy taking the new girlfriend on a ski trip or rubbing oil on her back on a beach to listen to an old girlfriend. As soon as she gets a boyfriend, the new boyfriend will put a stop to it anyway. Just as it should be.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 4 years
Everyone is different and comes with different background. First, I disagree with snooping, it's an invasion of privacy, and everyone has made it clear to you. My point is OP, I understand if you want to break up with him, but in a way, you're not dealing with some insecurity issues you're having, instead you're running away from it by deciding to dump him. If you do resolve to dump him (will not stop or try to stop you, here), do so by letting him know why. Talk it out, at least give him an opportunity to learn what really is happening instead of punishing him, and there's nothing wrong with keeping in touch with an ex, you know (I do that myself although it's not in frequent manner like your bf--per week), esp. since he's technically honest about keeping in touch with her. It's not his fault that this can be considered a dealbreaker for you (him keeping in touch with an ex frequently), so you have to tell him why when you break up with him. I agree that there's always possibility that he may not be completely honest that he's over her (he may still have strong feeling for her, no one really knows), and you don't want to risk getting attached too deeply only to be disappointed and bitter later on, but OP, you still need to examine your insecurity issue that causes you to snoop when you claim there's nothing wrong so that it won't be repeated next time you're in another relationship. Good luck.
countchocula countchocula 4 years
Some people choose to remain friends with their exes and I see nothing wrong with that. My guy meets up with his exes for coffee and a chat sometimes and I've got absolutely no qualms about it. Why? Because if he really had an interest to get back with either of them, he would've done so in the time he had before committing to another relationship. Plus I am very confident that he is a loyal, honorable man who wouldn't shame either of us by bringing one of his exes or another woman into our relationship. Do you feel the same way about your boyfriend? I imagine it must be very emotionally exhausting to be snooping on your boyfriend to make sure he stays faithful.
dreamalittledream dreamalittledream 4 years
I'm a little confused. Are you thinking about ending the relationship because he's on good terms with his ex-girlfriend? He was completely up front with you regarding his communication with her, and you found nothing sexual or inappropriate in their correspondences. If you were thinking about breaking up with him regardless, then go ahead, but to break up with him over this, in my opinion, is unreasonable. Personally, I think it speaks VOLUMES about him as a person that he was honest with you about his ex and that he is able to maintain friendship with her.
onlysourcherry onlysourcherry 4 years
First of all, don't snoop again. It's a good sign he ended things on respectful terms with his ex and that they can maintain some contact. He didn't lie to you. He isn't having an emotional affair. You're the only one in the wrong here.
lostfreak121 lostfreak121 4 years
I'm going to play the devil's advocate here and respond a little bit differently to all the previous comments. Whereas in truth and in a world where jealousy doesn't exist, all the above comments are absolutely correct. Yet, from a personal experience, and from a life of experiences where I have been forced not to fully trust people, I would feel just as insecure and doubtful about my relationship. From my personal experience, my now ex was honest with me that he kept in touch with his ex. I didn't mind at first. I never really enquired about it because I thought it was great that they maintained a mutually respectful relationship and because they have many friends in common, I completely understand why they should remain on friendly terms. The issue began when, one night when they were hanging out among their group of friends, she began hitting on my then BF. He obviously didn't react, but it made him re-evaluate his feelings for her and for me, which led him to need to 'take a break' so he could figure out his feelings. Fair enough, but I was honestly upset by this since he had reassured me all this time that he was over her. So after one instance of possible chemistry, he decided to jeopardize what we had. Needless to say, I turned the 'break' we were taking into a break-up because there's no point in being with someone if their feelings sway so easily. So I completely understand why you would be having these feelings. Though, since he hasn't said or done anything that would make you believe he still has feelings for her, there's no reason to risk ruining your relationship. But keep an eye out. If your guy is a decent guy, and is really over his ex, he won't make any moves. For now, trust him. But be prepared. If you feel you can't trust him, I think you should move on to save yourself the potential heart break, in case of anything. But I'm an untrusting cynic here, so just act on what you feel is best.
Raynne413 Raynne413 4 years
I have kept in touch with several of my exes. I don't want to be with them anymore, but I still care about them as a person. Why would you break up over that? You openly admit he didn't say ANYTHING that crossed the friend line. Unless you are LOOKING for a reason to dump him.
henna-red henna-red 4 years
I think you have some real insecurity issues to deal with in your life, and in your relationship. If you are actually thinking of breaking up with him when you are the one who has behaved badly here, then I think you may be doing him a favor. That's really harsh, I know. It's my first reaction to your post. Snooping, a lack of trust on your part when you haven't said he's done anything to earn that lack of trust, is an invasion of his privacy. Expecting that you get to determine who is in his life, and who is not, is a control issue. Feeling hurt because he isn't totaly and exclusively focused on you is immature. All of these issues are about your lack of security, self confidence. If you decide to break up with him, then tell him the truth. If you don't break up with, tell him the truth. If you confront your insecurity, work to get past that, then you can turn to him for emotional support. Talk about your issue and what it has led you to. Apologize. Successful relationships are based on trust. Trust is based on truth. You're not telling the truth, and your lack of trust is based in you, not in his actions. If you want to keep this relationship, then you need to work on you. And if you're not willing to do that, then let him move on to someone who is ready for a comitted partnership. I wouldn't be saying all of this if you hadn't said you're considering breaking up with him. That says it all for me. I don't know that snooping is always the worst crime, lots of people do it. The fact that you feel he has no right to be in touch with his ex doesn't mean he has no right to be in touch with his ex. As Pazuzu said, just because they couldn't make a romantic relationship work, doesn't leave out connection, shared life and experience, friendship, love. They recognized that their differences were too great to overcome, and have made a mature choice to part, and look elsewhere. He doesn't have to live by your feelings about when it's over, it's over; and he can't even address your hurt, because you're lying about your actions. You're hurt feelings are a result of you seeing something that you weren't invited to see. People who are in strong, intimate relationships don't share everything. We all have some private thoughts, emotions, relationships. We're all allowed to do that. He's allowed to be friends with his ex. If you really believe that he isn't then let him go. But if you don't deal with your own issue of insecurity, you will find yourself in this position again. I hope that you will look at this and work on yourself, because the little bit you've said about him makes him sound very worth while. good luck to you
Pazuzu Pazuzu 4 years
I think it would depend on the type of their conversation/relationship, theirs seems innocent. If you dated a divorced guy, would you be mad that his exwife was still in his life? You can love someone but not be sexually attracted to them, that's why relationships fail sometime. If my boyfriend and I broke up mutually on good terms I would still have him in my life, we've shared a lot and that doesn't disappear. Id tell any new boyfriend to get used to it. He was honest that they talk, he didn't hide anything. I think you should trust him and work on not feeling threatened/jealous/ whatever it is you're feeling. As long as he doesn't start hiding their relationship from you I think its ok that they talk.
kat3 kat3 4 years
First of all, stop snooping. Has he given a reason for you NOT to trust him? If not, stop. If he ever finds out, the trust and respect for you will be gone. Second, so you snooped and you found that your BF still talks with his ex. The dialogue seems pretty PG-13 in my opinion. While you may not like it, exes sometimes do keep in touch and stay friends. I'm not sure why you feel this is a reason to break up because from what you posted, I certainly don't feel it's a complete dealbreaker. I think what you need to do is to have a good talk with him. Randomly bring her up in converstions to try to gauge where everything is at. Maybe even try friending her on facebook if you two know each other? Either way, I think communication is key here. If the relationship is good, I personally don't feel a breakup over something so trivial is necessary. JMHO.
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