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So Confused

This post comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

I have been with my boyfriend for two years almost. We have had a big spell of problems, but we love each other. He will not be intimate with me, but wants to bring other people into the bedroom — he says it's because I'm so emotional about so much. The way I see it if he had sex with me once or twice a week, or even paid any physical attention to me, I wouldn't be so down. I would know he wants me, not them. So I'm at a stand still. Do I allow the other people or what do I do to fix this? Any feedback is very appreciated!

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1crazy1 1crazy1 6 years
could you handle a threesome, would he handle the situation if it were reversed would he be willing to let you be the one to pick out the person "to spice things up" would he be willing to rent a hotel room or similar location so it's not brought into your private space you share in case it didnt work out as either had hoped and your bed wouldnt be a constant reminder , was your relationship somewhat open before could you or him handle it if it became that way afterwards what extent could either of you handle watching/ sharing with the 3rd person , would there be limitations on how far it would go what type of protection would be used etc... if your not ready to talk in depth about these concerns than a threesome will only harm your relationship, if your comfortable to agree and discuss have extensive talk with him and tell him that your feeling neglected in that area and pay attention to his body language and wording. you'll know in your heart the answer
surfgirl surfgirl 6 years
When a relationship is at two years, it's unbearably painful to walk away! I was (emphasis on was) in a very serious relationship with someone I loved very much! I'm very secure with myself and have always believed that I will trust you until you give me a reason not to. I considered myself open-minded and found no reason for jealousy. We used to talk about things we would never do...we called it "Imaginationland" Things got to be a little to real when we would talk about things that turned us on (adding another girl)...which I would never do! I have to say I became very aware that I wasn't as "unjealous" as I had once thought. "Imaginationland" ruined my wonderful relationship. I'm now a firm believer to stay away from that place. If you have to bring in a 3rd person to save a relationship...I think you already have your answer. I do wish you the best, just remember, if he loves you...there's no need for a third. Take a deep breath and move on...
starangel82 starangel82 6 years
Not only say no to a threesome (or letting others into the bedroom), you need to get rid of this guy.
meeshee meeshee 6 years
break up with him. NOW.
meeshee meeshee 6 years
break up with him. NOW.
peacex3 peacex3 6 years
Honey, if this guy isn't giving you the attention you need and deserve, he's not worth it. He wants to bring other people in the bedroom when he's not even willing to jump in bed with you?! Something must be wrong with him. You can find a MUCH better guy than this dude. Someone who will treat you right and not make you feel obligated to do things you're not comfortable doing. Good luck! I'll be thinking about you.
lauraxtc lauraxtc 6 years
sounds like this guy doesn't love you at all if he is trying to bring other ppl in the bedroom and that is the only way he will get intimate with you. Move on honey. Hes only trying to please himself and his needs. Dont be a dumb girl, get smart and move on.
lauraxtc lauraxtc 6 years
sounds like this guy doesn't love you at all if he is trying to bring other ppl in the bedroom and that is the only way he will get intimate with you. Move on honey. Hes only trying to please himself and his needs. Dont be a dumb girl, get smart and move on.
Choco-cat Choco-cat 6 years
i agree with the majority of posts. i don't care who you are or how "emtional" you are - this man is in the wrong. if he is not having sex with you but wants to have sex with others (and you are not ok with this arrangement), he is not as committed to the relationship as you. you need to figure out a way to leave him behind, because that is what he deserves.
hypnoticmix hypnoticmix 6 years
IMO you don't do anything except end the relationship. It appears that your incompatibility is not reserved for the bed room. If he finds you too emotional or sensitive and prefers multiple sexual partners and you are unhappy reason would have it that this is not the man or the relationship for you. You say "but we love each other" well I'm sure there is love there and the problem seems to stem from a simple mismatch of two people who want different things in a relationship. It happens all the time because people get lost in the honey moon stage and completely gloss over the finer details of compatibility only to find with in months or the the next couple of years that there are serious compatibility issues tied to their happiness in the relationship. First thing to remember is there are plenty of compatible men for you out there. Never think that who you're with is the last guy you'll find to fall for you. Let him go so you both can be happy and go find the right man for you that's my two cents.
hypnoticmix hypnoticmix 6 years
IMO you don't do anything except end the relationship. It appears that your incompatibility is not reserved for the bed room. If he finds you too emotional or sensitive and prefers multiple sexual partners and you are unhappy reason would have it that this is not the man or the relationship for you. You say "but we love each other" well I'm sure there is love there and the problem seems to stem from a simple mismatch of two people who want different things in a relationship. It happens all the time because people get lost in the honey moon stage and completely gloss over the finer details of compatibility only to find with in months or the the next couple of years that there are serious compatibility issues tied to their happiness in the relationship. First thing to remember is there are plenty of compatible men for you out there. Never think that who you're with is the last guy you'll find to fall for you. Let him go so you both can be happy and go find the right man for you that's my two cents.
snarkypants snarkypants 6 years
run run as fast as you can!
snarkypants snarkypants 6 years
run run as fast as you can!
postmodernsleaze postmodernsleaze 6 years
This is pretty obvious from the outside looking in. Your boyfriend doesn't want to have sex with you, but wants permission to have sex with other people? Babe, this is a no-brainer. Dump him. Love is not worth compromising your self-esteem or your personal comfort level. You can find someone who never wants to be with anyone but YOU. Your significant other should make you feel beautiful and fun. By staying with this guy, you're going to turn into a very insecure, self-loathing basket case that hates herself. It's time to get out now.
mix-tape mix-tape 6 years
Huh? What? This post left me so confused. I don't think you're in a relationship if your so-called boyfriend won't have sex with you, but wants to with other people. How can you say you're in a loving relationship? Honestly? I'm lost...
MissSushi MissSushi 6 years
He's a perfect example of how subtle verbal and mental abuse can be. He is using and manipulating you, and doesn't have an ounce of respect or love for you. You aren't in a loving, functional, commited relationship that is looking into new things, you're in a dysfunctional trap that isn't making you happy. I sincerely suggest you start looking within yourself to pack your bags and leave. He does not care about you, he doesn't respect you, he isn't intimate with you and he demeans you with shots at your emotions to lower your self esteem - which he has managed clearly by you being confused about the situation. You deserve better, get out!
MissSushi MissSushi 6 years
He's a perfect example of how subtle verbal and mental abuse can be. He is using and manipulating you, and doesn't have an ounce of respect or love for you. You aren't in a loving, functional, commited relationship that is looking into new things, you're in a dysfunctional trap that isn't making you happy. I sincerely suggest you start looking within yourself to pack your bags and leave. He does not care about you, he doesn't respect you, he isn't intimate with you and he demeans you with shots at your emotions to lower your self esteem - which he has managed clearly by you being confused about the situation. You deserve better, get out!
janneth janneth 6 years
By all means bring another person into the bedroom--a new boyfriend!
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 6 years
I've never had a threesome but would definitely be into the idea- if the right guy ever came along. I brought it up to my ex, and it was just a disaster. I'd find a sexy, down-to-earth girl and he would find a reason to hate her. Then he's find the skankiest, dirtiest girl he could, invite her back to our house without consulting me, and then he'd wonder what I was so mad about. It never even happened, and I'm glad it didn't. Then he tried inviting his best friend in, and I would have been SO down with that because this friend was sexy as hell, but he just went about it wrong. I walked in the door (I was working receiving at a department store) sweaty, unshaved and disgusting and the ex says to me, "He's here and we have to leave in a few minutes, so we need to do this now." Ridiculous! He wouldn't even give me time to shower first! I dumped his stupid ass and it was the best thing I ever did for myself. You didn't say... does he want to invite another girl to please himself, or does he want to bring a guy in to help please you? If that's the case, maybe he thinks he's just not enough for you. I'm willing to bet that's not, though. You're obviously not comfortable with this at all. Don't do it. Every relationship gets to a point where you either need to get married or break up. You sound so miserable in your post- you don't really want to marry this guy, do you? So break up.
Bettye-Wayne Bettye-Wayne 6 years
I've never had a threesome but would definitely be into the idea- if the right guy ever came along. I brought it up to my ex, and it was just a disaster. I'd find a sexy, down-to-earth girl and he would find a reason to hate her. Then he's find the skankiest, dirtiest girl he could, invite her back to our house without consulting me, and then he'd wonder what I was so mad about. It never even happened, and I'm glad it didn't. Then he tried inviting his best friend in, and I would have been SO down with that because this friend was sexy as hell, but he just went about it wrong. I walked in the door (I was working receiving at a department store) sweaty, unshaved and disgusting and the ex says to me, "He's here and we have to leave in a few minutes, so we need to do this now." Ridiculous! He wouldn't even give me time to shower first! I dumped his stupid ass and it was the best thing I ever did for myself.You didn't say... does he want to invite another girl to please himself, or does he want to bring a guy in to help please you? If that's the case, maybe he thinks he's just not enough for you. I'm willing to bet that's not, though.You're obviously not comfortable with this at all. Don't do it. Every relationship gets to a point where you either need to get married or break up. You sound so miserable in your post- you don't really want to marry this guy, do you? So break up.
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