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Some Contemplate Mr. Right Now

Is it better to live with a less-than-perfect match than to be single? The question is often answered with a guttural and emphatic no in public, but privately, it's probably wrestled with more often than you'd think by those who have contemplated forever.

In an article in the Daily Mail, 38-year-old British writer Lucy Taylor said that she is close to settling for Mr. Not Quite Right But Will Do Because My Time Is Running Out. (I would really hate to be Mr. NQRBWDBMTIRO this morning!) If Lucy doesn't feel romantic love or physical attraction for this guy (two components required to reach the attachment phase), I wonder if marriage makes sense.

Maybe at some point, you have to get practical and come to terms with the shortcomings of any relationship settle. So if romantic love or physical attraction weren't there to begin with, is a long-term commitment possible or even desirable?

Source

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dikke-kus dikke-kus 6 years
A perfect match is just a concept and settling is a rotten attitude. Someday my prince will come...... can you hear the song being played here? It's simple. Expectations are too high. They are waiting for the next millionaire to sweep them off their feet or something. These women make me tired. It's perfectly fine to have some things in mind for a future partner. (Physical attraction is on the list). But me myself and I will never find anyone. Good men are not drawn street signs that say "me myself and I". Stop looking in a mirror. If you have a friend like this they need to soften their hearts, and open their minds. Tell them use their eyes to see and their ears to listen. How can it be settling if you hear heartfelt words and see true feelings from someone? Maybe that's not good enough. Good luck then.
sparklestar sparklestar 6 years
Why even bother? What a waste of time!
Colleeninator Colleeninator 6 years
No.
Colleeninator Colleeninator 6 years
No.
nikijo2368 nikijo2368 6 years
bekkachan comment #3- you have just summed up my relationship to a T. i am going through this right now- to stay & be moderately happy hoping things go back to the way they were or to just go. it is a very difficult decision that i have been going over for a while now... if anyone has had a situation like this, advice would be greatly appreciated. i dont want to settle but the spark was there once...
KimBurnett KimBurnett 6 years
bekkachan, that happened to me and vice versa. I "settled" for my husband b/c my ex, who I loved deeply, broke up with me and years later told me he wished he hadn't. The love I have for my husband has grown through the years so that I am more physically attracted to him now.
Chouette4u Chouette4u 6 years
This reminds me of an article from the Daily Mail (I know, I know) a few months ago: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1121103/Why-SHOULD-forget-love-The-memories-ruin-future-relationships.html
Chrstne Chrstne 6 years
Well, from a sociological standpoint, which I can't help but bring up -- there are 6 different kinds of love: Eros, Pragma, Storge, Agape, Ludus, Mania. So, is it possible to have a relationship that is based on different needs? Obviously. Eros puts a huge emphasis on romantic love and attraction, beauty, sexual desires, etc. The problem with Eros lovers is that they usually cannot keep that level of passion, so therefore they shrivel and die. With pragma, they are the list makers, basically. They set out on a quest to find someone who meets their needs...so they will look at your career, the type of car you drive, your house, your education level, parenthood potential, etc. So that kind of love is very practical and rational, and not based on emotion at all. Storge love is based on friendship, which develops into romantic love. Sex is still not as important as friendship to these people...and these people are so nice and loving and empathetic, etc. Agape love is sort of like brotherly love, and self-sacrificing. So these people give and give and expect nothing in return. This love doesn't work out, because a healthy relationship means giving and taking -- so agape love is what people feel for their gods. Ludus is like...the thrill of the chase. Those lovers get excited by chasing something and playing games. These people are usually more interested in chasing and having that initial feeling than working on a real relationship, though. Manic love is like...obsessive, dependent, jealous, possessive, etc. Those do not work out. So technically, depending on who you talk to and who you take it from. anything is possible. Those types of love are based on John Allen Lee's theory -- but there are many more. This one always stood out to me, and this is what I tend to believe. But to answer the question if sex was not there or what have you, a physical attraction, according to this theory, you could sustain. Sex anyway has more to do with looks and attraction -- most people have the desire to have sex not just for pleasure but to reproduce.
Chrstne Chrstne 6 years
Well, from a sociological standpoint, which I can't help but bring up -- there are 6 different kinds of love: Eros, Pragma, Storge, Agape, Ludus, Mania. So, is it possible to have a relationship that is based on different needs? Obviously. Eros puts a huge emphasis on romantic love and attraction, beauty, sexual desires, etc. The problem with Eros lovers is that they usually cannot keep that level of passion, so therefore they shrivel and die.With pragma, they are the list makers, basically. They set out on a quest to find someone who meets their needs...so they will look at your career, the type of car you drive, your house, your education level, parenthood potential, etc. So that kind of love is very practical and rational, and not based on emotion at all.Storge love is based on friendship, which develops into romantic love. Sex is still not as important as friendship to these people...and these people are so nice and loving and empathetic, etc.Agape love is sort of like brotherly love, and self-sacrificing. So these people give and give and expect nothing in return. This love doesn't work out, because a healthy relationship means giving and taking -- so agape love is what people feel for their gods.Ludus is like...the thrill of the chase. Those lovers get excited by chasing something and playing games. These people are usually more interested in chasing and having that initial feeling than working on a real relationship, though.Manic love is like...obsessive, dependent, jealous, possessive, etc. Those do not work out.So technically, depending on who you talk to and who you take it from. anything is possible. Those types of love are based on John Allen Lee's theory -- but there are many more. This one always stood out to me, and this is what I tend to believe.But to answer the question if sex was not there or what have you, a physical attraction, according to this theory, you could sustain. Sex anyway has more to do with looks and attraction -- most people have the desire to have sex not just for pleasure but to reproduce.
Pistil Pistil 6 years
I think you need some sort of attraction and compatibility. It doesn't make sense to marry some guy just because. But I do think we have some misconceptions about "Mr. Right", "True Love", "The One", and happily ever after. I read this comment on the article, and I think it sums up my own thoughts: "Romance, looks, lust all fade - and you have to be happy with what is left behind. "
Pistil Pistil 6 years
I think you need some sort of attraction and compatibility. It doesn't make sense to marry some guy just because. But I do think we have some misconceptions about "Mr. Right", "True Love", "The One", and happily ever after. I read this comment on the article, and I think it sums up my own thoughts:"Romance, looks, lust all fade - and you have to be happy with what is left behind. "
janneth janneth 6 years
Consider yourself blessed if you can have a relationship with someone who gives you butterflies in your stomach.
Hiding55 Hiding55 6 years
I wouldn't marry Mr Right Now. I have always settled in my past relationships and I'm very aware of it now. I always look past peoples faults. Not a terrible thing, but when it comes to the person you want to spend the rest of your life with you have to recognize their faults and decide if you can accept them. I think you need to have physical attraction and attachment to your SO if you're going spend your lives together and make it. I won't settle for Mr Just Good Enough.
Hiding55 Hiding55 6 years
I wouldn't marry Mr Right Now. I have always settled in my past relationships and I'm very aware of it now. I always look past peoples faults. Not a terrible thing, but when it comes to the person you want to spend the rest of your life with you have to recognize their faults and decide if you can accept them.I think you need to have physical attraction and attachment to your SO if you're going spend your lives together and make it. I won't settle for Mr Just Good Enough.
tlsgirl tlsgirl 6 years
Just wait. Settling will never be a good thing.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 6 years
This is a topic near and dear to me. I am a professional who makes a decent living, and have yet to find Mr. Right. There have certainly been times I thought I found him, and have been wrong, but at the time, I was head over heels. I think that is an important feeling to have, and I am not willing to give that up just to be with some random guy I am ambivalent about. Plus, I know myself, and sex with men I am not greatly attracted to has never been good, so why bother? I know what kind of person I am and I have to say, I don't even want to settle when I date someone...isn't that the whole point, to have a romantic relationship? I have so many male friends and colleagues, I don't need another one in my life where there is no chemistry. For me, the attraction is important, and it distinguishes that special guy from all of the other men in your life. I think it is worth the wait.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 6 years
This is a topic near and dear to me. I am a professional who makes a decent living, and have yet to find Mr. Right. There have certainly been times I thought I found him, and have been wrong, but at the time, I was head over heels. I think that is an important feeling to have, and I am not willing to give that up just to be with some random guy I am ambivalent about. Plus, I know myself, and sex with men I am not greatly attracted to has never been good, so why bother?I know what kind of person I am and I have to say, I don't even want to settle when I date someone...isn't that the whole point, to have a romantic relationship? I have so many male friends and colleagues, I don't need another one in my life where there is no chemistry. For me, the attraction is important, and it distinguishes that special guy from all of the other men in your life. I think it is worth the wait.
Rebecca14916991 Rebecca14916991 6 years
I also wonder if sometimes women are so afraid of settling they let a perfectly good man walk out the door, and then end up having to settle for someone worse later. Does anyone know if this kind of thing happens too?
Chouette4u Chouette4u 6 years
It's OK to settle on some things, but certainly not LOVING the person or being physically attracted to him! Some people are really picky about looks, careers, money and other more superficial things, and I think you can settle on those and be happy. But how can you even think of marrying someone you aren't attracted to?
Rebecca14916991 Rebecca14916991 6 years
What if the Mr. Right Now is someone who used to turn you on a lot (but not so much anymore), you care for but not quite the way you used to, and has been nothing but good to you? Is that settling? I mean, if you fell in love with someone once, you can do it again, right? And just because things have fizzled for now doesn't mean they'll always stay that way because things go in cycles, right?(Sorry, that's a lot of questions, but I find this topic really intriguing. :) )
Rebecca14916991 Rebecca14916991 6 years
What if the Mr. Right Now is someone who used to turn you on a lot (but not so much anymore), you care for but not quite the way you used to, and has been nothing but good to you? Is that settling? I mean, if you fell in love with someone once, you can do it again, right? And just because things have fizzled for now doesn't mean they'll always stay that way because things go in cycles, right? (Sorry, that's a lot of questions, but I find this topic really intriguing. :) )
margokhal margokhal 6 years
I honestly don't know. I actually DO contemplate this all the time, but only in the dating phase [if/when I was to get married, then settling would be a great big "HELL NO" I would never settle THE REST OF MY LIFE with someone I didn't like. I wouldn't even *sleep* with someone I didn't like at least superficially or in some minimal way]. Sometimes you need a Mr. Right Now when a Mr. Right won't be showing up for a while. Not everyone is a dating-type person, but it doesn't mean you have to be ALONE all the time.
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