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Splitting Bills in a Relationship

Group Therapy: I Feel Like My Boyfriend Owes Me

This question comes from Group Therapy in our TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to add your advice in the comments!

Back when he didn't have a job and I did, I spent all kinds of money on him. He lives about 40 mins away, so I would spend so much on gas to go see him, take us out to eat, buy him cigarettes, etc. I would spend all the money in our relationship for about the first 8 months.

Now the roles are switched and I don't have a job while he does. I'm still spending every bit of money I come across on gas to go see him, he never gives me gas money or anything. We sometimes go out to eat but only to fast food restaurants. I really don't want him to be spending money, because we're trying to save for an apt and he needs to pay his insurance, but is it bad to feel like he owes me?

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Autumns_Elegy Autumns_Elegy 6 years
I'd say that you should find ways of cutting down the cost of your dates. How about you cook together at home but he forks for the ingredients, or he rents a dvd and you watch it together at yours? That way he forks for a bit and you both get to spend time together that wont bust the bank.What I can't get over is that you bought his cigarettes for him, I know smoking is a tough habit to break but if you can't afford it then you can't afford it.
Autumns_Elegy Autumns_Elegy 6 years
I'd say that you should find ways of cutting down the cost of your dates. How about you cook together at home but he forks for the ingredients, or he rents a dvd and you watch it together at yours? That way he forks for a bit and you both get to spend time together that wont bust the bank. What I can't get over is that you bought his cigarettes for him, I know smoking is a tough habit to break but if you can't afford it then you can't afford it.
Haethre Haethre 6 years
nevaeh is quite wise. do 50%, nothing more. if a relationship is tiring and you spend more time resenting the other person than enjoying their company, it's not worth it!
hypnoticmix hypnoticmix 6 years
Well I take it he has no way of coming to see you since you're the one still going to see him. If he does than you're silly for not making him come see you. Regarding the broader issue I would just say honey I really can't afford to keep coming to see you and it has nothing to do with desire of course but as you know I'm not working and it would really mean a lot to me if you could pitch in for gas so that I can keep coming to see you. First of all if the sex is great trust you shouldn't have a problem. Secondly by putting it that way if his mind doesn't realize hey she did help me out so I'll help her out and he protests in any way shape or form lower the boom honey. Remind him hey didn't I help you out when you were unemployed and if he still protests he's not the man for you.
inlove23 inlove23 6 years
This is exactly how my relationship was, but he has a job now so we are both able to support ourselves, but he doesn't have a car. It sucks, but it's defiantly getting better. Just hold on if you love him enough. And just talk to him about how you're feeling because you don't want a "pea under the mattress". Talking things out fixes everything.
luisamapacha luisamapacha 6 years
He doesn't feel the same way about you. You were willing to scrimp and save and do whatever it took to keep seeing him when he was out of work, but he could care less. Stop calling, stop texting and stop visiting him. Make him put forth some effort if he wants to see you.
ella1978 ella1978 6 years
I'm just going to say that you have to talk to him... guys are sometime oblivious to anything that has to do with money.. you may feel that you put in a lot of cash early on (and rightfully so) but he may not be considering the current financial situation..
goddessru goddessru 6 years
First, you are valid in your feelings. Women are natural givers and we tend to overextend ourselves and expect the same in return. You should, however, be looking out for yourself. Spending gas money on every $$ your recieve on him is NOT smart, because you are in a tough situation and you don't know how long this will last. You need to speak to him about this. You shouldn't act, react, stay or leave unless you do. Guys are oblivious, he may have no clue that you went out of your way because he was so caught up in the weeds of not having a job. His reaction will tell you if this is worth the fight. Namely, if he says he doesn't know what you're talking about concerning those 8 months, cut your losses. If he can't understand that you don't get a paycheck so he needs to do the drive, drop this and concentrate on yourself and your situation. Lastly, think twice before you move in with him. You guys don't even live together and the money thing is an issue. Living together requires coordination and compromise & understanding.
goddessru goddessru 6 years
First, you are valid in your feelings. Women are natural givers and we tend to overextend ourselves and expect the same in return. You should, however, be looking out for yourself. Spending gas money on every $$ your recieve on him is NOT smart, because you are in a tough situation and you don't know how long this will last.You need to speak to him about this. You shouldn't act, react, stay or leave unless you do. Guys are oblivious, he may have no clue that you went out of your way because he was so caught up in the weeds of not having a job. His reaction will tell you if this is worth the fight. Namely, if he says he doesn't know what you're talking about concerning those 8 months, cut your losses. If he can't understand that you don't get a paycheck so he needs to do the drive, drop this and concentrate on yourself and your situation.Lastly, think twice before you move in with him. You guys don't even live together and the money thing is an issue. Living together requires coordination and compromise & understanding.
danakscully64 danakscully64 6 years
I was in a very similar situation, only it worked out for me. At the beginning of my relationship with my guy, I was working, he was going to school and waiting to be hired as an EMT. For the first 4 months, I pretty much paid for everything. Things started to even out when he started working. 5 years later, we moved in together and he's paying for everything. The differences between our situations is my guy DID make an effort. Have you tried flat out telling him how you feel? He may have no clue.
weffie weffie 6 years
If you're trying to save for an apartment, get a job! He doesn't owe you anything, it was your own decision to waste the gas money to visit someone who obviously didn't care enough to return the favor. Also, I'd never move in with anyone who loafed around for 8 months just because they could get away with it... you WILL end up supporting him, and just imagine how much you'll resent him after a few years. Get working and get a place of your own, then if he wants to enjoy your company he can get his lazy ass on a bus and come visit you.
weffie weffie 6 years
If you're trying to save for an apartment, get a job! He doesn't owe you anything, it was your own decision to waste the gas money to visit someone who obviously didn't care enough to return the favor. Also, I'd never move in with anyone who loafed around for 8 months just because they could get away with it... you WILL end up supporting him, and just imagine how much you'll resent him after a few years. Get working and get a place of your own, then if he wants to enjoy your company he can get his lazy ass on a bus and come visit you.
GregS GregS 6 years
I don't have good vibes on this guy. I'd say it's time to look in other places.
chillchic chillchic 6 years
Stop paying for things right away. Insist that he cover for you when you go out and ask him to come see you/get you instead of driving out to see him. If he gives you a hard time about this, then he is not the guy you want to be with anyway.
tlsgirl tlsgirl 6 years
You could trying saying something to him, but otherwise you're going to have to evaluate whether you want to continue in an unequal relationship. If it's getting on your nerves already, just think of what it's going to be like if you have to foot the bills when/if you guys move in together.
skigurl skigurl 6 years
you need to talk to him about this (giving him the benefit of the doubt that he's just totally oblivious) but if he gives you attitude or lip service, cut him from your team
runningesq runningesq 6 years
I agree with Pistil.... but if you aren't ready to cut and run yet -- have you talked to him about this?
Pistil Pistil 6 years
Cut your losses. Any decent guy would make an effort to keep things equal, and not get comfy living off his girlfriend's paycheck.
debbie1 debbie1 6 years
To be honest with you,the best thing that i find with my partner,is that i say to him "would you mind going half with me on this?" or "if you buy the meal,then i will buy the drinks".I just find that it's a bit of compramise.Then if you happen to put £15 petrol in,ask if he can help with half the cost.Me and my partner do this sort of thing all of the time and it works for us.You don't neccasarily need to tell him that you feel he owes you,but maybe explain that you would appreciate more contribution from him.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years
Oh, this is when I'm going to be harsh. It's your own fault that you're feeling like this. Although feeling like he should've done better by you..is pretty normal after you've spent that much money. From what it seems that you're overextending yourself (when you had a job--even right now!) to 'keep him close.' And then you're expecting him to extend himself the way you have been doing for him. Tough on you that it turns out that he's not that way at all. Stop overextending yourself. Stop wasting your precious money. Save up because you're unemployed and watch where you're spending your unemployment benefit. You can't ask him to pay you back b/c you were doing all those to get close to him, and you did get to spend time with him. Now your job is to gauge how much he's going to put in the relationship. Every relationship needs a 50-50 effort to work. If he doesn't care how often he gets to spend time with you and not willing to take action (btw, he can drive there/take a bus/etc--my hub when his car broke down--took a bus to see me and I lived 40 mins away from him when we started to date), then you'll see how much your bf really is into this relationship. And we did save up enough to get our own place together too, so just b/c he's saving up something, and may not be able to take you out to expensive places, it doesn't mean he can't make an effort to go see you. Sometimes the old saying is true: you need to stop paddling and see if someone else is rowing the boat with you. Good luck.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 6 years
Oh, this is when I'm going to be harsh. It's your own fault that you're feeling like this. Although feeling like he should've done better by you..is pretty normal after you've spent that much money.From what it seems that you're overextending yourself (when you had a job--even right now!) to 'keep him close.' And then you're expecting him to extend himself the way you have been doing for him. Tough on you that it turns out that he's not that way at all.Stop overextending yourself. Stop wasting your precious money. Save up because you're unemployed and watch where you're spending your unemployment benefit. You can't ask him to pay you back b/c you were doing all those to get close to him, and you did get to spend time with him.Now your job is to gauge how much he's going to put in the relationship. Every relationship needs a 50-50 effort to work. If he doesn't care how often he gets to spend time with you and not willing to take action (btw, he can drive there/take a bus/etc--my hub when his car broke down--took a bus to see me and I lived 40 mins away from him when we started to date), then you'll see how much your bf really is into this relationship. And we did save up enough to get our own place together too, so just b/c he's saving up something, and may not be able to take you out to expensive places, it doesn't mean he can't make an effort to go see you.Sometimes the old saying is true: you need to stop paddling and see if someone else is rowing the boat with you.Good luck.
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