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Starting a Relationship When You're Friends With Benefits

Group Therapy: I Think He Wants to Be More Than FWB

This question comes from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I have been FWB (friends with benefits) with my best friend of 7 years for the past 6 months. In the beginning we both agreed that we were both a little scared to enter a new relationship due to each of our past breakups, so we agreed to keep it FWB. I guess it's kind of hard to be just FWB with your best friend though, because we are pretty much with each other every day of the week, and pretty much "a couple" in every way possible. (But we still aren't an official couple.)

Lately I've been noticing small things though . . . like one day we were playing around, and he kept adding in "but I love you" to a few things he said. And it's not like he was saying in a joking manner . . . he just kinda kept saying it in a serious way. To be honest, I really do love him, but I ignored him everytime he said it (which kinda would've hurt my feelings if I was the one saying it). Also one day in the car he said, "why do you love me?" and I said "I don't! lol" and he said "yeah I knooooooow. I really don't think you do" and he really kinda sounded sad, even though we were joking around.

To get the rest of the story read more.

The thing is, I don't want him to assume I'll never open up to him or come around (even though I do love him) and then him move on to another girl. But I'm too afraid to tell him I REALLY do love him, since we had agreed to keep it casual/FWB . . . I don't want to scare him off.

I know actions speak louder than words, and if he didn't want to be with me, he wouldn't want to see me everyday. I just get so down when i think about how he could start looking for a new girl at anytime, since maybe he thinks I don't ever want to be more than FWB with him, or that I would never consider giving him a real chance. (Even though I really don't think he's talking to anyone else . . . I'm just paranoid.)

How can I show him that I really do want to be his girlfriend, without actually coming out and saying it? I'm really love him, and i'm 90% sure he loves me too . . . this is just an awkward situation for me.

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Lenay Lenay 5 years
Okay, there's definitely something missing from this story.1.)You see each other EVERYDAY.2.)You have sex on a regular basis.3.)He has said that he loves you, and you love him too but haven't told him.WTF? Why is he only your FWB? Is he an unemployed, fugly mooch? Are you from an orthodox religion that he doesn't belong to? Are you of different races or economic statuses and think that people in your family or social circle wouldn't aprove? Are you a trust fund kid who needs parental aproval for all of your major life decisions? What are you leaving out of this equation?
Lenay Lenay 5 years
Okay, there's definitely something missing from this story. 1.)You see each other EVERYDAY. 2.)You have sex on a regular basis. 3.)He has said that he loves you, and you love him too but haven't told him. WTF? Why is he only your FWB? Is he an unemployed, fugly mooch? Are you from an orthodox religion that he doesn't belong to? Are you of different races or economic statuses and think that people in your family or social circle wouldn't aprove? Are you a trust fund kid who needs parental aproval for all of your major life decisions? What are you leaving out of this equation?
Lenay Lenay 5 years
I'm not getting this. You see each other EVERYDAY, and you have regular sex, and he has told you that he loves you, and you love him too. So why is he only your FWB? Is he fugly? Is he an unemployed mooch? Are one of you of an orthodox religion that won't allow you to couple with someone outside of that religion?(Jewish, Catholic, Quaker?) Are you a trust fund baby who needs parental aproval for everything or your funds will get cut off? Are you different races, and one of you has Republican parents? What gives?
ArmagonAuthor ArmagonAuthor 5 years
There is really no way to get him to read your mind and know your feelings unless you use words. If you want to be his girlfriend... Tell him. If you want to be in a relationship with him, you need to learn how to communicate properly. And that includes telling him about your feelings. Every relationship has the possibility of rejection, but you have to face that head-on in order to get to the good stuff. Besides, you already know that he likes you. If you don't let him know that you feel the same way soon, he might feel rejected or lonely and move on. Don't let him get away!
lickety-split lickety-split 5 years
I would love to have heard the "let's be FWB conversation" between the two of you. After being friends for so long; wow. I suspect everything was in place for a real relationship long before you had sex. Sounds like he's very open to more. If you had the guts to say "let's get naked" surely you can manage "this is more to me now than FWB".
Dashygurl Dashygurl 5 years
First of all, FWB...WHY??? If he has already mentioned that he love you what more do you need to work with. My suggestion would be to sit him done before sex, and tell him from a sincere place how you feel, and at that moment if the feelings aren't mutual, then I think the FWB arrangements should end. Just my opinion. You don't want to be in one relationship after another and not allow your body time to heal from the previous break-up. Thats what is called emotional baggage.
soulsearcher83 soulsearcher83 5 years
You just gotta tell him. Stop beating around the bush. If you try to show him intimately it won't work because he'll assume it's because of this FWB thing. By the way, FWB is always a bad idea for this reason.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 5 years
There is no such thing as FWB. Sooner or later, one or both people become emotionally attached to the other person, which is exactly what has happened here. (Notice I said become emotionally attached, not fall in love.) He is definitely becoming emotionally attached to you. I'm afraid it is time for you to tell him exactly how you feel. (Golde Rule and all that.) The more you lead him on, the more you make it worse for both of you.
JoeTyndall JoeTyndall 5 years
There is no such thing as FWB. Sooner or later, one or both people become emotionally attached to the other person, which is exactly what has happened here. (Notice I said become emotionally attached, not fall in love.) He is definitely becoming emotionally attached to you. I'm afraid it is time for you to tell him exactly how you feel. (Golde Rule and all that.) The more you lead him on, the more you make it worse for both of you.
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