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Sunday Confessional: No Big "O"

Sunday Confessional: No Big "O"

This week's confessional comes from our anonymous Confession Booth group in the TrèsSugar Community. Feel free to offer your advice in the comments.

I am dating a guy I dated when I was 16. Now I'm 21 and the sex isn't cutting it. We were together for two years then broke up for a year and a half and now are back together. Needless to say that during the time we were apart I had other sexual adventures. Now when we have sex it just isn't doing it for me. I've tried to talk to him about how we can spice things up but he is hesitant. I'm at a loss on what I can do.

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JoeyZ JoeyZ 6 years
Hello Anonymous, First, while it is common “wisdom” to recognize that your sexual satisfaction level in a relationship is not as important as the interpersonal connection, that’s not exactly correct. Some of us are equally (and sometimes more) sexually focused than interpersonally focused. That does not mean that if one focuses more on sexuality, that they can “do without “the relationship. In fact, those of us who are very sexually focused are still quite emotionally dependant on the interpersonal connection. Nonetheless, it’s sometimes a living Hell for the more ‘grounded’ of us, as I like I call it, when we really yearn for and even feel physical manifestations (i.e., horniness) for particular sexual thrills that we find it hard to share with our partner if they are not lined up. A common theme I like to carry throughout my advice is to accept reality. In short, it’s absurd, wouldn’t you agree, to ignore what’s real at the cost of being frustrated about not getting what we want or expect. To me, accepting the reality of a situation is significantly more psychologically healthy and easier to process than denial. he problem is, we as humans often have a hard time identifying, on the fly, when we are not recognizing what the reality is. As one of my friends says so simply, “It is what it is”. Therefore, the reality is, and would be absurd to pretend otherwise, that all of us have different upbringings and experiences in life and thus have a myriad of sexual likes that dislikes that fall on a very wide spectrum. Now, to assume you will partner up with a wonderful significant other who behaves and interacts in wonderful ways, will have the same sexual likes and dislikes, a a bad assumption that will set you up for much frustration. Furthermore, when it comes to the dislikes, because our society is historically prudish (in ‘pockets’ of regions throughout the U.S. and world) when it comes to particular sexual desires, and as rational and open minded as we wish to be, when our significant other mentions she would like to be dominated, or simulate rape (which it is important to know is NOT rape when it is part of a fantasy), or have anal sex, etc., it can make one feel uncomfortable to downright shocked. Again, though, we try to be open minded and rational and remind ourselves that there’s nothing wrong with particular sexual likes and fetishes. But when it comes right down to it, your partner may still feel very awkward, uncomfortable, etc, even though he or she knows there is nothing ‘wrong’ with it. He or she can’t help this… you have to be understanding about it. But by slowly acclimating him to it, but never too quickly or too much, he can begin to drop his socially conditioned response to the act, and begin to at least perform it and be happy that he or she is turning you on. But.. and this is huge… never ever ever ever assume you know anything about your lover’s past sexual experiences. Ever. A large portion of society has been molested or raped in the past, or had bad sexual experiences that deeply affect them in their adulthood. Many never share this even with lovers. It is very important that when you nudge your partner in a certain direction sexually, that you back off and show lots of love and attention if they show even the slightest withdrawal. As for rough sex, this is something I learned a bit later in life. I have always been a sensual slow sexual partner, like you see in love scenes on TV, with the occasional office closet romp that SEEMED rough, but really was just the hurried nature and forceful repositioning that seemed rough. But when a girl who I had known a while and I became sexually involved, she outright told me she liked getting pushed into the wall and both bodies being tossed all around the room. In short, she liked it rough and hard. Now, given that was a bit much for me, and not my style, I focused on the fact that it was not ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’ to do such a thing, and was able to have a good time with her. I was able to have this kind of fun with her, and began to like it somewhat, but it did not replace my value for more sensual sex. All I did was ‘add to’ my palette of sexual preferences. So, in short, don’t assume he won’t learn to engage in the types of sex you prefer. He may, and he may not. And if he does not, then you can decide if you are happy enough in the interpersonal connection and sex that you do have. Good luck!
lauraxtc lauraxtc 6 years
You have to be honest. Even if the truth hurts.
lauraxtc lauraxtc 6 years
You have to be honest. Even if the truth hurts.
kj1210 kj1210 6 years
The first thing you need to figure out is if you like this guy enough that you are willing to try to work through this and figure it out. If not then you might as well just go find a new man. If you want to stay with him but wish you could have better sex than you need to work on your communication. Find a way to be able to communicate these things with each other. It might be as simple as him knowing exactly what gets you going so he can focus on that. It will benefit him too because he can share with you what he likes. Another site that I read had a post from a woman who was having trouble reaching the big "O' and there was a ton of priceless advice given to her. Here is the link, it might help you out...http://www.leftos.com/forum/view/153
kj1210 kj1210 6 years
The first thing you need to figure out is if you like this guy enough that you are willing to try to work through this and figure it out. If not then you might as well just go find a new man. If you want to stay with him but wish you could have better sex than you need to work on your communication. Find a way to be able to communicate these things with each other. It might be as simple as him knowing exactly what gets you going so he can focus on that. It will benefit him too because he can share with you what he likes. Another site that I read had a post from a woman who was having trouble reaching the big "O' and there was a ton of priceless advice given to her. Here is the link, it might help you out... http://www.leftos.com/forum/view/153
hypnoticmix hypnoticmix 6 years
I agree you can't stay in an unsatisfying relationship because that unsatisfaction will turn into resentment. If you can not part as friends at least you'll be able to part with respect. As for the rough stuff I've been with people that enjoy that. I remember one time in the throws of passion my hand slipped over this dudes neck and he exclaimed yeah! I was mildly shocked since I'm more of a passionate lover but it wasn't an issue.
hypnoticmix hypnoticmix 6 years
I agree you can't stay in an unsatisfying relationship because that unsatisfaction will turn into resentment. If you can not part as friends at least you'll be able to part with respect. As for the rough stuff I've been with people that enjoy that. I remember one time in the throws of passion my hand slipped over this dudes neck and he exclaimed yeah! I was mildly shocked since I'm more of a passionate lover but it wasn't an issue.
MissSushi MissSushi 6 years
Well.. I personally think asking someone to be "rough" is one of those things you can't really in good conscience try to talk people into doing. It isn't like experimenting with positions, toys, etc etc. He isn't comfortable being rough with you during sex, and you shouldn't push it. It's commendable that he's tried for you, but i think its probably not going to happen. If you want the relationship to continue, you should probably look into other things that excite you without laying your excitement totally in his hands.
Venus1 Venus1 6 years
Clearly you don't want to take him out of his comfort zone, but at the moment you are not hitting your true excitement zone. I too like things soft and gentle but there are two people in this relationship. I would suggest you discuss further and then strike while the iron's hot and at the appropriate time tell or should I say show him what you would like. This seems to me to be very much a case of you having to lead him. You never know it might work. Good luck and do tell how you get on. x
saracz saracz 6 years
I am always open to any suggestions and help. I've come to realize that I enjoy things a little more rough then he does and he isnt comfortable being rough with me, even though he had tried it he has been hesitant and I dont want to make him do things he isnt comfortable with. He says he cares about me too much to hurt me or be rough in bed even though he knows im enjoying it.
Venus1 Venus1 6 years
It's always difficult when more fun has been had elsewhere. It could be that this is just not going to work for you. This is a difficult one to answer with the information given here,. Would you be prepared to pop back on the board and just say a little more about what exactly he is hesitant about?
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