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Sunday Confessional: Can't Forget Husband's Gay Porn Stash

Sunday Confessional: Can't Forget Husband's Gay Porn Stash

We're scouring the juicy (but anonymous!) secrets posted on Truu Confessions and letting you weigh in. This week a confessor shares her dilemma over her husband's gay porn stash.

"About seven years ago I found some gay porn links on my husband's computer. No straight porn. I confronted him and we fought and cried. He apologized and denied that he was gay. I have tried to let it go because he is a good person and a great father, but I keep thinking that maybe he is hiding something. I don't feel like I can suggest counseling without him being mortified and hurt that I have been harboring resentment."

Do you think this confession is a big deal?

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mely007 mely007 6 years
If the fact that he is 'a good person and a great father' isn't more important than what he wanks to, then you need to think about who has the problem. I totally agree and Janine comment is based on nothing but a guess of a situation she doesn't know anything about. I sugguest talk to your husband in a helpful matter. You both need to just open up more.
crimson-scarlet crimson-scarlet 6 years
My views may be a bit different. Enjoying watching men have sex while also enjoying sex with you (a woman) does not have to mean anything much. I don't want sex with women but I enjoy seeing women (tastefully!) naked or sexual together. Be open is my view, being fearful to communicate about it with him just leads to anxiety. It is up to him to work out his own sexuality and what he does or does not want to act on. Making something "forbidden" only leads to emotional distance, lying or personal repression. It took me many years to get to this way of understanding things. Some people are definitely gay/straight but I think most people have a natural curiosity and interest in human beings being sexual..male or female. This might sound impossible..but I think I would ask him to show me what he likes looking at and embarrassing as it is discuss both your sexual tastes...maybe you will discover there are "resources" out there or in your mind (fantasy) that will enhance your sex life together and your relationship. Men like women to be direct and so many of us fuss around and worry too much. Just my opinion!
soapybub soapybub 6 years
To everyone that told this woman she couldn't 'fix it' with counseling, you should go re-read her story. There was nothing in her testimony that said she wanted to 'fix' anything. Plus, even if she did say 'fix', why would you assume that she meant turning her husband from gay to straight? Maybe she could have meant 'fix' the marriage (or even just figure out if such a thing is possible/ good for both parties). Or 'fix' her anxiety about the porn and the identity issues it brings up for her husband by getting some more information. 'Fix' the communication gap, at the least. Also, maybe she just wanted a controlled setting to discuss whatever feelings he may have. Maybe he is bisexual. Maybe he used to experiment in college. Maybe he just likes gay porn (I do and I'm a female, so go figure that one out). Obviously she is too worried to ask these questions on her own, and counseling might provide a more controlled (and informed) atmosphere to obtain this information. As a gender and women studies major, I'm always appalled when people base their advice off homo/heteronormative assumptions. Jumping to conclusions about what the 'religious extremist' would do, or completely ignoring other forms of sexuality, or labeling people based off of 'criteria' (aka 'he has a lisp, so he's toootally gay). Do you know that there is a whole group of men out there who have sex with men but still call themselves straight (broadly known as MSM)? Some just like the sex. But that's just some, and who am I to hypothesize on their reasoning? Sexuality is not binary! The binary sexual categories (gay and straight), and the shaded middle area of the gay/straight ven diagram (bisexual)... they're all just names people created because people like to label things (and because of neoliberal politics), and really, just because you don't fit into a specific socially constructed category does not mean you're not a sexual being. Honestly, if you think the marriage is moving smoothly all these years after 'the incident', then I would try to forget about your anxious thoughts. But if you just can't let them go and you really love him, I think counseling is a good idea. Go to someone that specializes in sex therapy, or someone that is well versed in gender theory. Your marriage is not necessarily a sham, but if it's bothering you, you should obviously talk about it. Just keep an open mind! Sexuality is fluid and complicated at times, most people just don't want to acknowledge it (and are too ignorant to give advice on it).
mistwolf mistwolf 6 years
Janine's comment is completely full of misinformation. Unprotected sex of any kind with someone who is having unprotected sex with other people IS a common vector for STDs, but it's not specific to gay men by any means. Also, just because he is looking at porn doesn't mean that he is out having gay sex. Many, many people (of /both/ genders, I note) watch porn. The 'straight men are horrified' comment is just plain stupid and based in homophobia and intolerance, where anything different is Wrong. It is entirely possible to be bisexual, and still be in a commited and monogamous. Bisexuality is quite real, and not just a 'stepping stone' or a 'way of denying'. I know plenty of bisexual people, some in relationships with MotOS and some with MotSS. It was never stated he only looks at gay porn, just that this 'stash' was all gay. Probably because she reacts like this, so he knows he has to hide things from her. There are many men who have to hide their porn collections from their partners, because People are Dumb. Your entire rant about 'always use condoms' is basic fearmongering. You have NO reason to claim he's been unfaithful. None at all. I think if this woman is worried about it, she should be talking to him (Openly and honestly, and not accusatorily), or seek couples counselling about it.
Janine22 Janine22 6 years
Yes, he is gay. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind. I have known at least 8 male friends in my life who were gay but all claimed to be bisexual when they first came out because it was too difficult for them to admit they were gay. I am really shocked that so many women here think that this is not a big deal. Being sexually active with a man who is also having anal sex with other men is a very common and easy way for a woman to contract HIV. Anal sex is a high risk activity because of tearing and bleeding in the anus and (if the man is even using a condom) the condom is more likely to slip off or break. OP please, please get tested for HIV as soon as you can and always use condoms with this man. And no, he is not bisexual or bicurious, ok. No straight man would ever, ever look at gay porn. They are completely grossed out and horrified by it. If he is looking at exclusively gay porn (and no straight porn) then there is no doubt in my mind that he is gay. BTW, he probably is acting on his impulses and hiding it from you. Does he 'work late'? Does he often go out with people that you do not know? I hope that you find the strength to leave him and please get some counselling for yourself. Good luck.
MissJules5x MissJules5x 6 years
also i wouldn't be confrontational. if you start accusing, and crying and arguing with him, i'm sure he's not going to be open to communicate. just tell him that this is something that has been bothering you for years, and just tell him that you feel like this is something he's hiding, and that you just want him to be honest with you. ask him why he was looking at the gay porn, and tell him that you'll still accept him either way, and that you still love him but need him to answer the various questions you have so that you can have some peace of mind.
TidalWave TidalWave 6 years
Unless he is acting on it, I doubt it's anything to worry about.
MissJules5x MissJules5x 6 years
i think its really important that you tell him NOW how you feel and ask him "WHY" so maybe you can finally have some piece of mind? this is something you should have done 7 years ago instead of living with this... are there other reasons that you feel like he's hiding something? if there is, thats another thing you should discuss with him. you won't just get over it and you will always build resentment for not confronting him with your suspicions and telling him how you really feel. this is the man you are married to, not someone you just met and started dating, so you should be able to communicate with him.
Beauty Beauty 6 years
I vote no big deal. And anybody who's still concerned about something that happened seven years ago might want to look into therapy. It isn't healthy to carry that much stress and mistrust for so long.
Symphonee Symphonee 6 years
If this has been bothering you for seven years, get a divorce. You are using this as a vessel to pour your insecurity into. If it wasn't this(although I can marginally understand why this would bother you), it would be something else. Looking at one or three gay porn sites out of curiosity and boredom is one thing. Seven or eight sites and giving no real reason as to why you looked at them is something different. He may have taken even more drastic steps to deal with his curiosity or inclinations since then. Either way you need to put your big girl panties on and calmly talk to him about the things that are still bothering you.
lemamike lemamike 6 years
I agree w/ Hiding. Straight men don't look at gay porn. He is probably gay or bi. You need to decide what you want the outcome to be. do you want to know the truth? if so, try to talk to him calmly - no yelling or crying and hope he can be honest with you about his feelings. If you want to stay happily married and pretend like nothing happened then just keep doing what you've been doing for 7 years.
Smacks83 Smacks83 6 years
Hmm, you confronted him with screaming and crying...oh yeah, I'm sure he really wanted to have a serious talk with you and not just tell you what you wanted to hear to make you stop being so emotional. Maybe if it bothers you, try to talk to him. Sit him down and TALK to him gently, let him know you support him no matter what (don't scream at him or accuse him of random things...who knows, maybe he's just really afraid you won't let him still be in the child's life if he does turn out to be gay).
dikke-kus dikke-kus 6 years
Seven years. Still sitting around wondering. Sounds like this woman will never really do anything about it. So whats the point in asking.
PinkNC PinkNC 6 years
Sounds like bad news to me. And yes, she should be concerned if she decided to stay with him.
lickety-split lickety-split 6 years
seven years? dude, you need to move on. if this is bothering you THAT much after 7 years, does it matter what the truth is? you don't trust him; end of relationship w/ any peace.
Hiding55 Hiding55 6 years
Straight men do not watch gay porn. If she hasn't found anything new it's because he is hiding it. If my guy was looking at gay porn I would be really concerned and I would still be thinking about it seven years later. If it was something that he just accidentally stumbled upon while surfing the net it would not be multiple sites and it wouldn't have turned into a huge crying argument.
cg130 cg130 6 years
Yeesh, this sounds complicated.
equestriennechic equestriennechic 6 years
It might not be anything to worry about, but I have to say that if I was in this position, I wouldn't be able to get it out of my head...
Marci Marci 6 years
I agree with eveday. He's probably bi and it's up to her to decide if she can live with that.
hypnoticmix hypnoticmix 6 years
"He apologized and denied that he was gay." Well first of all he doesn't have to be a full on homo-sexual to be sexually attracted or stimulated by other men. His denial that he is not gay is simply using the extreme as a defense because he knows he's attracted to women too. In her case her love blinded her to the facts of the matter. He watches gay porn and reason would have it that he watches it because it does something for him. There is an article in (Scientific American Mind) it discusses a study that scientifically proves that human sexuality is on a continuum. People are either solidly hetero or homo but they are also varying degrees of bi-sexuality. I wrote a blog about it on (citizen 4.0) http://teamsugar.com/group/3040631/blog/3277583 I am a gay man pushing forty and in my experiences I can tell you that I've met many men who were once married and raised a family only to finally come out in their mid thirties or later. They knew they were gay all along but it just wasn't lifestyle they felt they were free to live.
cakeshinigami cakeshinigami 6 years
seven years ago? wow, you should have made a decision on this a long time ago.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 6 years
First off, I personally have no experience in this matter, as every man I have been with was straight. However, with this said, I know of girlfriends who have been with men who were closeted (and later came out of the closet). During the relationship/marriage, these girlfriends had SOME inkling the men were gay (even though the men denied it when confronted. Subsequently, the women chose to believe them, instead of themselves, and continued their relationship/marriage). Well, sadly, it turned out my girlfriends' suspicions were correct, as down the road, the men came out of the closet to them. Based on my observations on my girlfriends, chances are, your husband may be gay. If he is, he chose to stay closeted for whatever reason. I agree counseling is a moot point. What would that solve?
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