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Sunday Confessional: Did I Cheat?

I'm a 29 year old, very happily married woman. We've been married for 7 years and just bought our dream home together. The other night my husband's cousin's husband was over at our house for a party. (They've been married 2 years and have a baby together). Everyone was drinking and having a great time. He came up to me in the kitchen and wanted to give me a hug to thank me for the party. I thought nothing of it, so I said, "Of course you're welcome, I'm glad you're enjoying yourself." He held me tight, pushed me up against the refrigerator and said, "It could be better..." He caressed my chest and kissed my neck. I, of course, pushed him back and said, "I think you've had enough to drink, how about some coffee?" He approached me again this time pushing me into the wall harder and I could tell he was very excited. He said, "You're looking so hot lately, I want you." (I've recently lost 35 pounds.)

I have to admit, a part of me was very flattered. I've been with my husband since I was 18 and the thought of another man finding me attractive was a huge boost for my often low self esteem. Honestly, I lingered a bit longer than I should have -- I let him kiss me and it was very hot and exciting; I actually haven't been that aroused in a long time. After what felt like an hour, really only about 30 seconds, I panicked and pushed him away. I told him that should have never happened and ran out of the room.

My problem is ever since that party, whenever this guy comes over he looks for reasons to be in a room alone with me. He's constantly hitting on me and has tried to kiss me a few times. I told him he's playing with fire and needs to back off. I didn't tell my husband because he would flip out, never mind the heartache it would cause the family. But he won't stop approaching me. He even calls me at work, asking when he can see me. I tell him I'm very busy, can't talk and hang up. I avoid him at all costs but my husband keeps asking why I'm being rude. What do I do? Should I have just said something right after the incident? I feel like I cheated even though nothing really happened. Is this forgivable?

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spasiklaki spasiklaki 7 years
Stop feeling guilty! You haven't done anything wrong. If he continues to pressure you then I think it would be best to tell your husband all about it no matter how hard it is. Otherwise you will end up causing a strain to your marriage.
puddlesworth puddlesworth 7 years
It made me mad when I read that he pushed you back into the wall when you first rejected him. He's a jerk! Tell your husband what happened, you didn't do anything wrong.
calli-gurl calli-gurl 8 years
i think that you should tell ure husband. this dude is not only cheating on his wife, but is cheating on ure husbands cousin too. and ure husband himself. if u dont come clean with ure husband, that isnt forgivable. and i think that you should talk to ure husband and tell the cousin too.
calli-gurl calli-gurl 8 years
i think that you should tell ure husband. this dude is not only cheating on his wife, but is cheating on ure husbands cousin too. and ure husband himself. if u dont come clean with ure husband, that isnt forgivable. and i think that you should talk to ure husband and tell the cousin too.
geechie geechie 8 years
At this point you need to tell your husband. Dude is out of line.
e-von e-von 8 years
Forgiven. It's not like you didn't try to stop him from hitting on you. You told him numerous times to back off basically.I think what you need to do is tell him that if he does not stop his harassing, you will tell his wife about what he has been doing. Tell him it's not a threat but a promise.I know there's a whole family who will be affected by this, but it is better to let it out in the open for everyone to know rather than to have you suffer in silence.
e-von e-von 8 years
Forgiven. It's not like you didn't try to stop him from hitting on you. You told him numerous times to back off basically. I think what you need to do is tell him that if he does not stop his harassing, you will tell his wife about what he has been doing. Tell him it's not a threat but a promise. I know there's a whole family who will be affected by this, but it is better to let it out in the open for everyone to know rather than to have you suffer in silence.
SoftMocha SoftMocha 8 years
I think if you are hott, you are hott. You can be upset with yourself because someone finds you cute. I would tell my husband though.Let your hubby know that when the situation happen he was drinking. So mabey your honey will just watch him closely. You are enjoying the attention. Dont LIE!!!*smiles*lolol Good Luck to you! smooches
SoftMocha SoftMocha 8 years
I think if you are hott, you are hott. You can be upset with yourself because someone finds you cute. I would tell my husband though.Let your hubby know that when the situation happen he was drinking. So mabey your honey will just watch him closely. You are enjoying the attention. Dont LIE!!!*smiles*lolol Good Luck to you! smooches
Lily-Inferno Lily-Inferno 8 years
Its forgivable bc you dont give in. Now, regardless of the hurt it would cause, you need to tell your husband if not, then his wife. If hes hitting on you, who knows if hes also doing it elsewhere. Someone needs to know. You hide it and it makes you look guilty.
Holly-J Holly-J 8 years
Everything in life is forgivebal, but first u must tell ur husband and ask for forgiveness. Also, you need to look at yorself here. You said you are a happily married, but apparently not, because you say you suffer from low self esteem and that that kiss was the first time you have been turned on in awhile. I think you have to be more honest with yourself here. I hope you read this comment, because I see that a lot of people already have left you a lot of suggestions, but I dated somebody once for many many years. And it started when I was 15. Its a long story, but in the end, I cheated on him the way you cheated on your husband. I kissed another man, and end up having an emotional affiar with him for several months. I told my then boyfriend, and broke things off with the guy I had hooked up with (we only made out...no oral stuff), but still, even though I regret doing what I did, I am happy it happened because it forced me to see I was not happy with my life and was trying to find my happiness the wrong way. YOU NEED TO TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND AND TALK WITH YOURSELF!!!! Also, you need to avoid this guy at all cost!
Holly-J Holly-J 8 years
Everything in life is forgivebal, but first u must tell ur husband and ask for forgiveness. Also, you need to look at yorself here. You said you are a happily married, but apparently not, because you say you suffer from low self esteem and that that kiss was the first time you have been turned on in awhile. I think you have to be more honest with yourself here. I hope you read this comment, because I see that a lot of people already have left you a lot of suggestions, but I dated somebody once for many many years. And it started when I was 15. Its a long story, but in the end, I cheated on him the way you cheated on your husband. I kissed another man, and end up having an emotional affiar with him for several months. I told my then boyfriend, and broke things off with the guy I had hooked up with (we only made out...no oral stuff), but still, even though I regret doing what I did, I am happy it happened because it forced me to see I was not happy with my life and was trying to find my happiness the wrong way. YOU NEED TO TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND AND TALK WITH YOURSELF!!!! Also, you need to avoid this guy at all cost!
erthed erthed 8 years
It's not going to be considered cheating if you tell the guy outright...THIS IS INAPPROPRIATE and it HAS TO STOP!!! I've gone through something similar. It's nice to have the attention as much as you know you need to push it away. I've been with my husband for 7 years, our sex life is dwindling, but he says he loves me SO much. More than ever. I've had 3 kids and don't feel great about myself and the fact that we rarely have sex is just killing my ego. This kind of attention by other men feels GREAT. But the longer you allow this other man to hold out hope, the more you're going to come across as enjoying this attention, thereby, making it feel more like cheating. If you're not outright honest with this other guy he won't get the point. Simply telling the guy you're too busy to talk isn't telling him you are not interested and he needs to leave you alone. If that doesn't work, you definitely need to tell your husband. Unless, secretly, you really like the attention. Which I completely can relate to. But eventually it will all come around to bite you in the ass. So if you value your marriage, tell the guy no, and if all else fails, tell your husband.
MamaD MamaD 8 years
Ok first of all, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!!!! But you should have told your husband right after it happened. I think maybe you're confusing your feelings here. You enjoyed the fact that another man found you attractive. That's fine. Nothing wrong there. You did not, however, enjoy the way he complimented you! It was rude! And I'm sorry but alcohol does not excuse everything! Not in my book any way!! So your guilt stems from liking the compliment. Listen honey tell your husband what happened. If you don't want to make a big deal about it tell him that too! But also tell him you wouldn't mind if he kept you under his watchful eye at these get-togethers so that he can set the guy straight should it ever happen again! Obviously the guy doesn't want to take no for an answer if he's still trying to get you alone. I had a similar on going situation in my life. It only happens when my friend's husband is drunk, she's not in the room and my husband is not there. He says very suggestive things to me. I ignore most of them and try very hard not to be alone with him.I usually make jokes when he says inappropriate things. But this last time it happened ( it's happened maybe 10 times in 15 years) he happened to make the mistake of dissing my husband, his friend, by calling him an old man and calling into question his ability, at a considerably older age, to satisfy me sexually! Well I gave him such an earful of our sexual exploits that he was dumbfounded! Then I proceeded to tell him the complaints his wife had about their sex life. In that situation there was no way he could say any thing to her about anything!!!! Then I went home and told my husband what happened. We have a great marriage and talk about everything, so he was not upset at all. My friend's husband has never gotten me alone since. And he runs from the room if we are the only ones in there. He has also stopped calling my husband "Old Man". So tell your husband and be proud of yourself that you look so good after losing the weight. Don't let this jerk diminish your happiness!
Jinx Jinx 8 years
You kissed him back, you enjoyed it, you feel guilty and maybe you should.
kmccoy67 kmccoy67 8 years
You wouldn't want your husband to keep something like this from you and continue to behave this way so return the favor. You shouldn't have let him kiss you and let him continue to hit on you and flirt. I feel bad for the guys wife -someone needs to tell her too. No justifications.
areasontohope areasontohope 8 years
Totally forgivable. You didn't do anything wrong, you told him how it was, and you told him to back off.
apsara1 apsara1 8 years
Yes, something happened. And yes, you could have pushed him away and yelled really loud "HeY! I said NO!" but you didn't. He may have acted aggressively but you did respond. So you are in this too. His behavior is more obnoxious. He initiated it, he's contacting you and he's your husband's cousin, but you aren't just a bystander or victim either. You obviously feel this way or you wouldn't have asked here whether your cheated. Did you cheat? Ask yourself if you would have felt he was cheating if he did this - if it was him and your cousin instead of you and his. Did you have sex with this guy? No - but did you violate your husband's trust and faith in you? Remember he trusts you enough to be your mate for 7 years and to buy a house with you - he's building his life wiht you... Should you tell him? Well - I don't know. I don't know at all. I would have said no, but this guy is harassing you. Stay away from the cousin. That's my best adivce and tell him to leave you alone or you'll get a restraining order. If it can't be resolved without bringing hubby in - then do it, but don't play the victim either - say "He kissed me, and although i stopped him the first time, he got more aggressive, did it again and then I did respond for a moment" Would I forgive that? Probably, but you can't EXPECT your husband to forgive it either. The fact that you do feel awful and that you do want your marriage speaks well for you , but I'm not a man and I think that their general emotional makeup and response to things is different from that of women's. I'd caution you against ever turning this into an argument regarding what cheating means. Telling someone their feelings are invalid is death to a relationship. Now I've been married nearly 11 yrs. It's not easy. Sometimes you do want to be noticed, to flirt, etc - and honestly I personally don't think monogamy is our "natural" state. Yet, I made promises and even though I'm sure he has been tempted and I know I have - it's still a thing where you are chosing to live by a set of rules and trusting that the other is doing as you are doing - and without explicitly saying "It's okay if we do this other thing" - it really isn't okay. Therapy has helped me a lot, as I think a lot of my yearnings came from my own fear of getting older (I'm almost 42)
posenmud posenmud 8 years
You are sooo forgiven. All you did was look good and that is great. He is the one at fault because he is still persuing you. Do not tell your hubby. Testosterone is a nasty hormone. But if he is doing this to you, he is very likely to be doing this crap with other women, married or single. You should let his wife in on the fact that he hit on you, and help her thru any kind of drama if it does happen. Do not tell her about the kiss or the lingering fingertips. Bring it up as if its been weighing heavily on your mind, and casually. Just call her up and say,"its been a while since I've seen you, but I have to let you know what your hbby did the other night when he was a bit drunk.....and explain it without pointing fingers. be gentle, she's a new mom and that is hard enough.
catchawhale catchawhale 8 years
Talk to your husband. You feel guilty because a small part of you enjoys the attention. That's even more reason to talk to your husband about it; you're obviously not completely happy with your marriage.
saruzza saruzza 8 years
Are you kidding me? 30 seconds is a LONG time! If you held a flame to your lips for 30 seconds it would seem endless. It's good that you admit you cheated because YOU DID. Did you also fantasize about him later? Well, the sooner you tell your husband THE TRUTH the sooner your dirty little secret will be behind you. The truth will set you free - even though it's not always easy - it is the honorable thing to do. Ladies, although sexual harassment exists and is terrible, this is not what this is. This person has choices and is acting like a victim to prolong the attention she secretly likes. Tell your husband, tell your cousin, hang up on the dude - say "GET YOUR FREAKIN HANDS OFF ME!!" the next time he gropes you - don't politely squirm away.Take his power away - unless of course, you have more secrets to hide...& your afraid those will come out ......?
saruzza saruzza 8 years
Are you kidding me? 30 seconds is a LONG time! If you held a flame to your lips for 30 seconds it would seem endless. It's good that you admit you cheated because YOU DID. Did you also fantasize about him later? Well, the sooner you tell your husband THE TRUTH the sooner your dirty little secret will be behind you. The truth will set you free - even though it's not always easy - it is the honorable thing to do. Ladies, although sexual harassment exists and is terrible, this is not what this is. This person has choices and is acting like a victim to prolong the attention she secretly likes. Tell your husband, tell your cousin, hang up on the dude - say "GET YOUR FREAKIN HANDS OFF ME!!" the next time he gropes you - don't politely squirm away. Take his power away - unless of course, you have more secrets to hide...& your afraid those will come out ......?
Mantis Mantis 8 years
You HAVE to tell your husband, obviously this guy is obsessed. You didn´t cheat, don´t be so hard on yourself, it happens to all once in a while, being atracted to someone else... It´s not big deal, but what he is doing is insane. I know it won´t be easy to tell your husband, but you have to, until he gets to far with this stalking thing. Good luck, and there´s nothing to forgive!!!!
Mantis Mantis 8 years
You HAVE to tell your husband, obviously this guy is obsessed. You didn´t cheat, don´t be so hard on yourself, it happens to all once in a while, being atracted to someone else... It´s not big deal, but what he is doing is insane. I know it won´t be easy to tell your husband, but you have to, until he gets to far with this stalking thing.Good luck, and there´s nothing to forgive!!!!
jordansmommy jordansmommy 8 years
I agree with everyone TELL YOU HUSBAND! and if it ruins the family obviously they are blind to the situation! but i will i agree the person that said you lead him on and big time by not pushing him away.
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