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Sunday Confessional: He Walked Out of My Life, Now He Wants Back In

I'm 29 years old and got out of a long-term relationship about eight months ago. My boyfriend and I had been together for three years and were planning on moving in together and getting engaged within the year. We had a very happy relationship, and I believed we were very much in love. Then out of the blue, he told me that he didn't want to be with me anymore.

I was completely shocked, and told him that he was just feeling stressed out with the move and work, but that things would calm down soon. He insisted that he didn't think he loved me like I loved him, and then he just left. When I tried to call, he didn't answer, until finally I received an email from him saying he needed space and that I should stop contacting him. To say I was brokenhearted would be an understatement. Since then I have done the best I can to move on. Although I haven't started seriously seeing anyone, in the past couple of months I've actually flirted with guys and have started to feel like my old self.

But a week ago my ex showed up. Desperate for closure, I agreed to meet with him. I expected a simple apology, but instead he begged for me to work things out with him. Apparently he had spent the last few months soul-searching and realized that he truly does want to be with me for the rest of his life. I still love him, and there's part of me that still wants to be with him, but I'm also unbelievably angry and I don't know what to do. Should I try to forgive him for breaking my heart and make this work?

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calli-gurl calli-gurl 7 years
i voted undecided. if i were u, i wouldnt date him again, but i wouldve gone to see what he had to say, for the sake of closure. but i wouldnt get together with him. because i dont let people use me. i cant be dumped, taken, dumped and taken. i mean im not that type. but in ure case, i really dont know. i think he was seeing someone too. if things were going so great, i dont see why he wouldve done that if he wasnt cheating on u or hiding something. if it were my choice, i would say hell no. dont be the napkin. but, in ure case, u guys were gonna get engaged. even i had a guy who realized that he loved me, but only after he lost me. he begged me to take him back, and i wanted to, but i didnt. and im happy now, with my second bf, after struggling a lot though. its ure choice, if u think its right going down that road again, u should. if ure having second thoughts, then no.
colombiansugar colombiansugar 8 years
I agree with everyone who said that this is something only you can decide. However, I just wanted to share that in my experience there is a very real chance for forgiveness and "happily ever after" in this situation. Two people I am very close with were in almost your exact situation when they were your age. They ended up getting back together, and will soon be celebrating their 25th anniversary of being very happily married. It just depends on the people and the situation. Good luck!
ehadams ehadams 8 years
Not forgive. I think he was definitely seeing someone else, and then it didn't work out, so now he is crawling back to you because he thinks you will immediately take him back. If you do start up a relationship with him again you need to take it slow, find out what really happened in those months (ie if there was another woman), and give yourself enough time and space to see if you really want this.
Rogue_Cherub Rogue_Cherub 8 years
I'm going through something similar right now except I'm the one who freaked out and needed to break up with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. It's only been 3 weeks and no contact but I still love him and want things to work out between us. Who's to say he didn't realize he wanted you back sooner but it just wasn't the right time? Sometimes you can't find yourself or fix a problem together, sometimes distance is the only way. I'm not saying he went about it well, but it happened. You can only move forward now. I think a lot of people here are being harsh and jumping to conclusions. Why is it that so many assume he cheated? We don't know the circumstances of the breakup and what was going on in his head, but that's why you need to talk to him more. I agree that you have to decide what's right for you but if you really did/do love him, you owe it to yourself to find out why it happened. You're angry and hurt but either way, whether you decide to walk away or get back together, some type of closure has to happen. It sounds like in that one talk you guys had, he was blurting out things while you listened but I think the first step is conversation where both of you participate. Then take it from there. Good luck!
bransugar79 bransugar79 8 years
I went through something somewhat like this and I think you have to make the choice yourself. I was a little younger when things in my relationship got to a breaking point. My boyfriend cut off all contact with me and I was miserable. all I wanted to do was work things out but he didn't. We didn't speak for 2 and a half years after being together for 5 years. I had finally gotten my confidence back and started thinking of myself as date-able again, and then out of nowhere he e-mailed me. I was furious and had all kind of resentment towards him but I felt like I needed to finally confront him for what he did to us and how he had made me feel. I had all these plans about telling him off in detail. The thing is that as soon as I heard his voice again I melted. I have always and will always love him and the time we spent apart cemented that for both of us. He had changed a lot and grown up. He had gotten over some issues we had in the past and was finally able to see where he had gone wrong and not just blame me for our problems. Now I'm married to that man and we are seriously happy and I don't fear him leaving me anymore. And if there is a time that I get insecure because of what happened he understands and reassures me. If you love this guy and you can trust that when he says he loves you and he made a mistake that he means that, then I think you owe it to yourself to try. be cautious and be honest with him because it will take a while for him to earn your trust again. But if he is for real he'll be willing to put in the work. If it starts to look like a scam cut him off because no one should be able to keep hurting you over and over.
geebers geebers 8 years
I vote undecided because like some said -this is your call. I went through something similar with my BF- we didnt break-up totally but it was close- it took him a week before he realized he made a huge mistake. That week was the worst week of my life. I can assure you if it took him more than a week or two - I would have moved on and NOT have taken him back. You say you are still angry but you still love him. Tread slowly here. If you are angry, it will not work. If you need him to step-up and prove himself- by all means- tell him. And if he DID see another woman - I say let him go for now. Let him know you want to date other guys. At least then it is HIS turn to sit there heart-broken while you get some space before committing to HIM. Not fair what he did- believe me- I suffered for a week and I was upset- and while I now am VERY happy and we both really hashed it out- my guy needed a WEEK not 8 months!!
dcfashionista dcfashionista 8 years
I am kind of on the fence about this. I feel that everyone deserves a second chance BUT if he walked out once will he walk out again if the going gets tough would always be in the back of my mind.
austerity austerity 8 years
NO. You can't be taken for granted, and you deserve somebody who won't bail out on you. Trust me, there's better out there. Don't feel bad if he suffers the way you suffered for him.
smith3 smith3 8 years
Like a few people I was in a similar situation, with a boyfriend who was very confused about his feelings and our relationship. It wasn't an 8-month split, and we stayed in touch throughout. Now we've been living together for four years, and married for nearly a year, he loves me unconditionally, and I wouldn't be with anybody else. My advice is to think about how you feel, and to try and think back to when you were together and think about how he made you feel then. If they're good memories and you want to be with him, I think you should give it a try, even if it means you might get your heart broken again.
pumpkinsugar70 pumpkinsugar70 8 years
You have to follow your heart, but just know that you deserve to find a love who doesn't have to convince themselves they love you. Speaking from experience, it is a long painful haul to accept life with a partner who is never fully convinced that you are the one...the slightest difficulties move them to doubt their love for you, and you, in turn, start to doubt your self-worth. This vicious cycle only get worse with years and life pressures. Please don't settle because you think that this is the best love has to offer.
ohkate ohkate 8 years
I still stand by the motto, "in the long haul there are no breaks." if you feel you need to take a break to "work things out" that's not working anything out, that's ignoring the issue until it's 'gone away'.
pinknfluffy pinknfluffy 8 years
This situation sucks, I know cos I've been there. As a lot of people have said, only you know this man and his heart. A year and a half into my relationship, my boyfriend freaked out, started seriously withdrawing from me, and then broke up with me a couple weeks later. I was devastated, I knew he was the man for me. After the worst 2 months of my life he came back, told me that he hated being away from me, and was ready to commit himself to me for the long haul. I took him back, 4 years later we got married, and I'm completely overwhelmed by our love. He still hasn't forgiven himself for breaking my heart, but I can say with 100% honesty that I'm glad it hapened the way it did, that he made a concious decision to be with me, despite his commitment issues. I don't know your guy though, and 8 months is a long time to figure things out. You gotta go with your gut here.
ninjastarlett ninjastarlett 8 years
No matter how much I cared about him or loved him, I think the resentment of what he did would get to me in the end if we got back together after something like that.
Janine22 Janine22 8 years
I don't think that you should take him back unless you are 100% certain that he is your soul mate. And let's face it, if he was then he never would have done this to you. If you do end up taking him back, how do you know that he won't do the same thing to you again? If you take him back, I would suggest that you take things realllllly slowly (like no sex for awhile), and make him work to get you back. This is not the kind of thing where he can just dump you, not talk to you at all and then beg for you back. Not cool, and not mature. You better make him grovel and work hard if he wants the pleasure of having you back in his life. But really, I think you should move on and find someone who appreciates you. Good luck to you.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 8 years
Eh. If I were you, I'd just move on and not look back. But yeah, it is your call. If you think, it's ok for him to be like that and you can accept the possibility that it'll happen again in the future, proceed with caution. My instinct says that he left to try it out with another girl but unfortunately it didn't work out for them, so he went crawling back. I'd rather not be 2nd choice, but that's how I live my life and I don't have regrets and I'm happy with the men in my life (my hubby who always put me first and our son). 2 of my exes (whom I broke up with), asked me to take them back, one is within a month (and of course I said 'no'), the other did take a year. But to be fair, I blocked any means of communication with the second one (the one who took a year to contact me) for a year, and he lives in a different state.
sparklestar sparklestar 8 years
So, he got together with another woman and it didn't work out and he's coming back to his backup plan? I would proceed with caution. There is the chance he could do this to you again when the grass looks greener in the future...
Athena123987 Athena123987 8 years
I say forgive, but with reservations. He needs to explain why he treated you so badly when he left, and he needs to be honest about what he was doing for those 8 months. I agree with Berlin above whole-heartedly; if he can explain why he acted that way, take him back, but he needs to accept that he needs to re-earn your trust. If you still love him, better to give it one more try than always wonder what-if. (Just in case, you might think about getting him to get tested for STIs.)
RadishSalad RadishSalad 8 years
Aww! I say forgive him. He realized that he really does still love you! He messed up and wants to fix his mistake. But if he does it again, you gave him a second chance already!
LifeisaPurr LifeisaPurr 8 years
Okay this is the deal.. If you accept him in, you cannot accept him in immediately and having things go back to "normal" and pretend like nothing every happened. He has to do more than beg for guys to work things out. You guys need to seriously take things slowly. Second, and this is the most important part, it's not what he wants, it's what you want. What do YOU want?
ilikeatea ilikeatea 8 years
Hm...I don't think he was very considerate when he broke up with you at all. He pretty much cut you out of his life...I was going to say to give him a chance...but be cautous about it...I would say he gets to date you BUT with some major rules. BUUUT!! Dublin brings up a good point! hm..I think I am going to change my vote now...
mnp mnp 8 years
I agree with gossipqueen (and lickety split and popgoestheworld)that he should be given another chance and if you do, to set ground rules. However, tresjolie is right. 8 months is a real long time. I just got back together with my bf. We only broke up for a month. Apparently, he didn't know what he wanted to do with himself and this was the first really serious relationship for him. Of course, we didn't have much drama in our relationship and he didn't cheat. I hope your ex is likewise.
BeachBarbie BeachBarbie 8 years
Well, it sounded like he hardly gave you any closure when he broke up with you. Yeah, he said he needed space....but that sounds strange to me, like there was another woman involved. I'm wondering why he didn't say something from the very beginning of the break-up. For instance...I need some time to myself to figure out if we really do belong together, or something of that nature. You know? I agree with all the people who said, everyone makes mistakes. I just think he should have been much clearer with you from the beginning. It's totally up to you with how you want to handle this...but I think if you do consider getting back with him...find out if there was another woman at the beginning of your break-up...,and if so, do NOT give him a second chance. If, you find out he really did need some space to re-evaluate your relationship...then take things really slow and go at your pace...that is if you even want to go down this road again. I wish you the best of luck.
trésjolie1 trésjolie1 8 years
Heck, it doesn't take 8 months to figure it out! It would take like a week, or a month, but not that long! Unless he was stranded in Alaska of course.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
I think lickety has it right. Only you can make this call. I can see arguments from both sides. I know stories where someone begged to be taken back only to leave again. I know stories where someone begged to be taken back and then stayed and they're now happily married. Berlin is right, too. We're all human. We all make mistakes. Good luck.
lickety-split lickety-split 8 years
i think only you can make this call. everyone makes mistakes, but to cut you out of his life the way he did might be unforgivable to you. maybe suggest going to a counselor together to talk through what happened and get perspective. there might be factors you know nothing about, and it would help him to know what you went through because of his actions. even if you decided you didn't want to move forward with this relationship you'd feel better about how it ended. sorry you had this experience. not sure if there is any comfort in numbers in this situation, but i know several other people this has happened to.
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