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Sunday Confessional: He Wants Kids, She Doesn't

Sunday Confessional: He Wants Kids, She Doesn't

We're scouring the juicy (but anonymous!) secrets posted on Truu Confessions and letting you weigh in. This week a confessor tells us that she doesn't want kids, but her partner does.

"I think we are a complete family already — just the two of us. Doesn't he know a baby will just mess up our great life together? And aren't husbands supposed to be the ones who DON'T want a baby?!"

Do you think this is a big deal?

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jazzytummy jazzytummy 6 years
There are too many ambivalent parents out there....people who have kids that shouldn't because of someone else's agenda and pressure. Aren't people forgetting that this is a LIFELONG commitment? I think sometimes people see pink baby booties and little boys in baseball caps, and start thinking it looks like fun and they don't really think past that, like when the kid is 17 and in the slammer for a DUI. Seriously, only people that know they want to do that job should do it. Don't bring an unwanted kid into your life...the world has too many of those.
jazzytummy jazzytummy 6 years
There are too many ambivalent parents out there....people who have kids that shouldn't because of someone else's agenda and pressure. Aren't people forgetting that this is a LIFELONG commitment? I think sometimes people see pink baby booties and little boys in baseball caps, and start thinking it looks like fun and they don't really think past that, like when the kid is 17 and in the slammer for a DUI. Seriously, only people that know they want to do that job should do it.Don't bring an unwanted kid into your life...the world has too many of those.
sourcherry sourcherry 6 years
I don't know where someone would get the idea that husbands are the ones who don't want babies. Actually, most men I know have no doubts about having kids (and I'm talking about people in their very early 20's), and the ones who say they don't, you can totally see they'll change their minds. Anyway, I agree with what everybody has said, it's definitely a deal breaker.
hottpink hottpink 6 years
I agree with Yogaforlife. I'm in the same boat. My husband and I both agreed before we got married that we did not want children and there is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting kids. We have 5 animals and they complete our little family. Lately though he has been thinking that he wants to have kids so we have been discussing this. It doesn't help that his mother bugs the crap out of us all of the time to have kids. It's been a struggle with us lately but we will work it out. :)
Symphonee Symphonee 6 years
I am there but the difference is I already have kids and my BF doesn't. I wanted children when we got together but now I have no desire to have more children. I already spoke at lengths with him about it but I changed my mind. We are willing to put it off for a year or two and then revisit the issue. If we can't come to a consensus because there really is no in between(dogs are TOTTALLY different than kids, then we will break it off.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 6 years
sounds like she trapped him. I hate women like that.
Yogaforlife Yogaforlife 6 years
I am in a similar situation. I have been with my husband for four years. Part of what attracted us to each other was the fact that neither of us wanted kids. I have known since I was young that I did not want kids, and it's not me holding onto ideas conceived in my youth. I have no maternal instinct towards an infant. I get nervous and uncomfortable around babies and toddlers. I just do not feel any connection with them and don't know how to interact with them. It does not make me a bad person, it just means I know that I should not have a child. My brother's daughter is the only child that I have ever felt a remote connection to. Now that she is five, I absolutely adore her and love to be with her but she doesn't make me want to have a child of my own, just to be the aunt that spoils her. I have many things I want to accomplish in life (both career and philanthropy wise) and I don't think I can accomplish them if I had a child and I know I'd resent not accomplishing them. Instead, I adopt animals and I feel very fulfilled having a furry family. My husband did not want kids either. He had an abusive father and was terrified that he would end up that way. He also has anxiety issues which I helped him deal with and he always thought that his anxiety would make him a bad father and that he would end up burdoning the mother with the majority of raising a child. The simple act of us bringing a puppy into our household used to give him about 2 weeks of severe anxiety attacks; he did not handle change well. Since we have been together, he has been to therapy and learned to handle his stress so that he doesn't have anxiety attacks. He is in the best health (mentally and confidence wise) he has ever been. He's in a really good place now. Recently a brother of his and his bestfriend both had babies. He adores the babies and spends as much time with them as possible. He has started telling me that he would like for us to have a baby in the next few years. We have been having serious talks because he knows that I don't want one and all the sudden now he does. I understand where he is coming from, that he didn't want one when he felt he wasn't able to handle one mentally and now he does feel like he can handle one. It still doesn't make me want one now that he is feeling confident he can be a good parent. I have told him that should I ever get pregnant by accident, that of course we'd have the baby, but I don't want to try for one. He keeps indicating that he thinks I'll change my mind and that I'm being immature about this now. He says he'll still love me no matter what choice I come to in a few years although I'm beginning to suspect deepdown he will resent me if we don't have one. I feel for this girl if her partner has had a sudden change of heart because life happens and people can change their minds.
Yogaforlife Yogaforlife 6 years
I am in a similar situation. I have been with my husband for four years. Part of what attracted us to each other was the fact that neither of us wanted kids.I have known since I was young that I did not want kids, and it's not me holding onto ideas conceived in my youth. I have no maternal instinct towards an infant. I get nervous and uncomfortable around babies and toddlers. I just do not feel any connection with them and don't know how to interact with them. It does not make me a bad person, it just means I know that I should not have a child.My brother's daughter is the only child that I have ever felt a remote connection to. Now that she is five, I absolutely adore her and love to be with her but she doesn't make me want to have a child of my own, just to be the aunt that spoils her.I have many things I want to accomplish in life (both career and philanthropy wise) and I don't think I can accomplish them if I had a child and I know I'd resent not accomplishing them. Instead, I adopt animals and I feel very fulfilled having a furry family.My husband did not want kids either. He had an abusive father and was terrified that he would end up that way. He also has anxiety issues which I helped him deal with and he always thought that his anxiety would make him a bad father and that he would end up burdoning the mother with the majority of raising a child. The simple act of us bringing a puppy into our household used to give him about 2 weeks of severe anxiety attacks; he did not handle change well. Since we have been together, he has been to therapy and learned to handle his stress so that he doesn't have anxiety attacks. He is in the best health (mentally and confidence wise) he has ever been. He's in a really good place now. Recently a brother of his and his bestfriend both had babies. He adores the babies and spends as much time with them as possible. He has started telling me that he would like for us to have a baby in the next few years.We have been having serious talks because he knows that I don't want one and all the sudden now he does. I understand where he is coming from, that he didn't want one when he felt he wasn't able to handle one mentally and now he does feel like he can handle one. It still doesn't make me want one now that he is feeling confident he can be a good parent. I have told him that should I ever get pregnant by accident, that of course we'd have the baby, but I don't want to try for one. He keeps indicating that he thinks I'll change my mind and that I'm being immature about this now. He says he'll still love me no matter what choice I come to in a few years although I'm beginning to suspect deepdown he will resent me if we don't have one. I feel for this girl if her partner has had a sudden change of heart because life happens and people can change their minds.
Smacks83 Smacks83 6 years
Sarana: It does say (if not overtly implies) they are married because she says aren't "husbands" supposed to be the ones who don't want kids. I'm going to say I don't see how you can compromise on this one. You can't have half a baby (and having dogs/cats isn't remotely the same as having kids). This couple needs to sit down, really talk it out (pros and cons) and figure out what their options are because the absolute worse thing they could do is have a baby who isn't totally welomed from the very start. If they need to divorce then so be it, but this is a huge huge issue that can break up a marriage if both people are not on the same page about it.
Smacks83 Smacks83 6 years
Sarana: It does say (if not overtly implies) they are married because she says aren't "husbands" supposed to be the ones who don't want kids.I'm going to say I don't see how you can compromise on this one. You can't have half a baby (and having dogs/cats isn't remotely the same as having kids). This couple needs to sit down, really talk it out (pros and cons) and figure out what their options are because the absolute worse thing they could do is have a baby who isn't totally welomed from the very start. If they need to divorce then so be it, but this is a huge huge issue that can break up a marriage if both people are not on the same page about it.
ella1978 ella1978 6 years
I also agree that this is something that should have been discussed AT LEGNTH before marriage. My fiance and I both want two kids, ideally, but we know we are both on the same page. He has always wanted to just have a happy family, and a home. I am not sure what was mentioned before marriage, I suppose if they were young, they might not have considered it yet. Maybe they just assumed that they knew what the other was thinking. Regardless - I think that this is a deal breaker. If she doesn't decide that she wants children, and he knows he wants them, and those opinions aren't going to change. Get out now.
ella1978 ella1978 6 years
I also agree that this is something that should have been discussed AT LEGNTH before marriage. My fiance and I both want two kids, ideally, but we know we are both on the same page. He has always wanted to just have a happy family, and a home. I am not sure what was mentioned before marriage, I suppose if they were young, they might not have considered it yet. Maybe they just assumed that they knew what the other was thinking. Regardless - I think that this is a deal breaker. If she doesn't decide that she wants children, and he knows he wants them, and those opinions aren't going to change. Get out now.
genesisrocks genesisrocks 6 years
I said OMG because disagreements like that really can kill a marriage.
Sarana Sarana 6 years
It doesn't say that they are married! Anyway she is sure she doesn't want children and he is sure he does they need to break up. It's the only way. A friend of mine went through this. They had been together for nearly 10 years, lived together and he always figured she would change her mind but she didn't. He realized that if he wanted to have children he needed to leave.
Sarana Sarana 6 years
It doesn't say that they are married! Anyway she is sure she doesn't want children and he is sure he does they need to break up. It's the only way. A friend of mine went through this. They had been together for nearly 10 years, lived together and he always figured she would change her mind but she didn't. He realized that if he wanted to have children he needed to leave.
dikke-kus dikke-kus 6 years
Sunbelle, what I meant was since she thinks it will mess up the marriage and she doesn't want any, usually it means she knows she's too selfish to have one or she just doesn't have the patience or the money or the maternal instinct that's all. Unless he already has some and maybe she already has a few? Who knows from the information we have. So many women who can have children choose not to. Then usually they get cats, or a dog maybe. I see it all the time.
jnel jnel 6 years
its silly for her to just assume that MEN are the ones who aren't "supposed" to want kids. but anyway, they're both at fault for not discussing the issue sooner
Sunbelle098 Sunbelle098 6 years
Dikke kus- it's totally inappropriate to assume she "can't" be a mother. There are a million reasons not to have children, and as a grown woman, I doubt its a "misconception" on her part. What an antiquated perspective. I believe that if they really love each other, they'll come to a compromise.
Sunbelle098 Sunbelle098 6 years
Dikke kus- it's totally inappropriate to assume she "can't" be a mother. There are a million reasons not to have children, and as a grown woman, I doubt its a "misconception" on her part. What an antiquated perspective.I believe that if they really love each other, they'll come to a compromise.
dikke-kus dikke-kus 6 years
Needs to be talked about. Most men want children too. I don't know where women get the misconception they don't. Anyway they need some discussion up front. If he goes along with it then fine. Maybe she knows she would be like mommy dearest? Some women just aren't capable to have kids and they know it. No biggy. They can always adopt some cats.
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