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Sunday Confessional: I Broke My Promise

I love going out dancing with my girlfriends. I’ve been in a happy relationship for over year so it's not about meeting guys, it's just about having fun. Naturally though, guys come up and start to dance with us, usually for a few minutes or so we box them out so to speak.

A while back, my boyfriend asked me if I danced with other guys when I went out to the bars. I told him that I had, but I tried to avoid it for the most part. He was upset, and felt like I was giving off the wrong impression. Since I wouldn’t want him to be buying other girls drinks when he’s out with his guy friends, I promised him that I wouldn’t dance with other guys anymore.

I have followed through on this promise until recently. While out a couple months ago, a goofy guy started dancing with me. We were both doing silly moves from the 80s, and there was zero physical contact, but it was a lot of fun. My friends were laughing about it the next day, and my boyfriend overheard. He got really mad at me for breaking my promise, and now every time I mention going out, he makes a snide remark about it. I feel horrible for hurting him, but I just don’t think this attitude is deserved. Should I be forgiven for this silly misstep?

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tbo tbo 7 years
First off all, while you thought the goofy dancing was innocent, the guy you danced with probably didn't. There's at least an 80 % chance he was trying to pick you up. Your boyfriend (being a guy) knows this, even though you may not. Here's a rule of thumb: with single men at a bar/club, ANY interaction with a woman is considered a potential pick-up opportunity. That said, your boyfriend should trust you to not fall for other men, unless you've given him a reason to think otherwise. Unfortunately, you just did, by breaking your promise about dancing with guys. Now your somewhat insecure boyfriend is left wondering whether you've been untruthful about anything else. A lot of the other comments have said it was totally OK for you to dance with that guy. Dancing is fine; breaking promises (even if they were unnecessary or made under a little pressure) is not. Your boyfriend was in the wrong originally, by insisting that you not dance with guys. That was the time to handle the problem by reassuring him that you wouldn't let anything happen. Even if he was being unreasonable, that doesn't justify subsequently breaking your promise. If my wife wanted to go dancing with guys at a club or bar like you did, it might make me a little uncomfortable (because I know what the guys there will be thinking), but I trust her so I wouldn't object. On the other hand, if she had promised me she wouldn't dance with any guys and then did anyway, and didn't tell me about it, it would weaken my trust in her. As in your case, the issue is the promise and not the dancing itself. The good news is that this situation is very fixable, if you just apologize sincerely to your boyfriend for breaking your promise. Then, explain that you wish you hadn't made the promise in the first place, since you enjoy (innocently) dancing with guys at clubs. (It's very important that the apology be sincere and that the "mistaken" promise not be used as an excuse.) Ask him if he can trust you to do that while keeping things innocent. If he says no, you can talk with him about his concerns. Your boyfriend should be able to forgive you, and hopefully you can help him resolve his jealousy/trust problems.
tbo tbo 7 years
First off all, while you thought the goofy dancing was innocent, the guy you danced with probably didn't. There's at least an 80 % chance he was trying to pick you up. Your boyfriend (being a guy) knows this, even though you may not. Here's a rule of thumb: with single men at a bar/club, ANY interaction with a woman is considered a potential pick-up opportunity. That said, your boyfriend should trust you to not fall for other men, unless you've given him a reason to think otherwise. Unfortunately, you just did, by breaking your promise about dancing with guys. Now your somewhat insecure boyfriend is left wondering whether you've been untruthful about anything else.A lot of the other comments have said it was totally OK for you to dance with that guy. Dancing is fine; breaking promises (even if they were unnecessary or made under a little pressure) is not.Your boyfriend was in the wrong originally, by insisting that you not dance with guys. That was the time to handle the problem by reassuring him that you wouldn't let anything happen. Even if he was being unreasonable, that doesn't justify subsequently breaking your promise.If my wife wanted to go dancing with guys at a club or bar like you did, it might make me a little uncomfortable (because I know what the guys there will be thinking), but I trust her so I wouldn't object. On the other hand, if she had promised me she wouldn't dance with any guys and then did anyway, and didn't tell me about it, it would weaken my trust in her. As in your case, the issue is the promise and not the dancing itself.The good news is that this situation is very fixable, if you just apologize sincerely to your boyfriend for breaking your promise. Then, explain that you wish you hadn't made the promise in the first place, since you enjoy (innocently) dancing with guys at clubs. (It's very important that the apology be sincere and that the "mistaken" promise not be used as an excuse.) Ask him if he can trust you to do that while keeping things innocent. If he says no, you can talk with him about his concerns. Your boyfriend should be able to forgive you, and hopefully you can help him resolve his jealousy/trust problems.
quietriott quietriott 7 years
the only time i have ever gotten mad at a boyfriend for dancing with another girl was when i was at the same bar/club and had just asked him about two minutes before that if he had wanted to dance. i hadn't wanted to go out in the first place and he guilt tripped me into going, then proceeded to be a first rate jerk the entire time: dancing all over other girls (and very inappropriately touching), taking the money i had given him to get us another drink to buy shots for other girls, and finally leaving with his "best girl friend" (aka the girl he was cheating on me with) in a cab and telling me "sorry sweetie, there's no room for you in the car. just get another one! hope you get home okay." needless to say i kicked that asshat to the curb and moved on. but i was such an idiot at the time....
quietriott quietriott 7 years
the only time i have ever gotten mad at a boyfriend for dancing with another girl was when i was at the same bar/club and had just asked him about two minutes before that if he had wanted to dance. i hadn't wanted to go out in the first place and he guilt tripped me into going, then proceeded to be a first rate jerk the entire time: dancing all over other girls (and very inappropriately touching), taking the money i had given him to get us another drink to buy shots for other girls, and finally leaving with his "best girl friend" (aka the girl he was cheating on me with) in a cab and telling me "sorry sweetie, there's no room for you in the car. just get another one! hope you get home okay."needless to say i kicked that asshat to the curb and moved on. but i was such an idiot at the time....
evenxstarx evenxstarx 7 years
In an addendum to my previous comment .. You did promise him you wouldn't dance with other guys .. So you are in the wrong at this point, even if what you did wasn't wrong. If you want to dance with a guy, bring your boyfriend .. if he won't come you'll just have to suck it up and dance with your girlfriends .. good luck :)
evenxstarx evenxstarx 7 years
It's not like you were humping this guy on the dance floor .. It was totally innocent. Your boyfriend needs to believe you. If he still doesn't trust you, you need to have a serious talk with him. Tell him that if he doesn't want guys trying to dance with you, to come out with you once in a while :)
injustica injustica 7 years
I do concur that dancing with other guys portrays that you may be single and looking. But at the same time, your man has to trust that you're not really looking, that you're just having fun. Also, if he were to go out and dance with other girls, you would have to be prepared to deal with that. Buying a girl a drink though, shows too much that he's looking for something, so I don't think that would be acceptable.
c-krit c-krit 7 years
What's good for the goose has to be good for the gander. There is nothing wrong with both of you going out and dancing with other people, but you have to be okay with him doing it too.
mollybaby mollybaby 7 years
dancing is just that.. dancing. i'm with samischo. it's time for mr. thang to grow a pair.
Hex Hex 7 years
I won't forgive you for making the promise to begin with. You were feeding his insecurities by doing so. It as if you were admitting you were doing something wrong.
chicaparati17 chicaparati17 7 years
I too love to dance...salsa dance to be exact...it requires contact to say the least. I am happily married..sometimes my husband comes with..sometimes he doesnt. I am not a cheater by any stretch..I just love to dance. I am secure in my relationship..its a way to destress and just have fun. Your boyfriend sounds insecure...you might want to re-examine your relationship.
smck66 smck66 7 years
Not sure how old you are, but it seems like if you are in a relationship, going out to bars/dancing without him is not a good idea. Seems like you are leaving yourself open to meeting someone else. Which is not a bad thing necessarily, but just be honest with yourself.
cubadog cubadog 7 years
Your BF is being completely ridiculous. There is nothing wrong with dancing with other guys when you go out with your friends. He needs to get over it. Making you promise not to dance with other men is just stupid it seems more like he is hoping to be in a little more control. Normally when I am out with my friends and a man is interested in one of us they buy all of us a round. Next time just don't make a stupid promise.
cvandoorn cvandoorn 7 years
Lol how old are you guys? Its just dancing, its not like you guys were getting your freak on. But still...you promised your bf something and then you broke it. Put yourself in his shoes and then see how you feel. You'd be a bit hurt as well, and also make those snide comments. Just give him a little bit of time to get over it, you can't expect him to forgive you immediately.And maybe next time you go out, take him with you.
cvandoorn cvandoorn 7 years
Lol how old are you guys? Its just dancing, its not like you guys were getting your freak on. But still...you promised your bf something and then you broke it. Put yourself in his shoes and then see how you feel. You'd be a bit hurt as well, and also make those snide comments. Just give him a little bit of time to get over it, you can't expect him to forgive you immediately. And maybe next time you go out, take him with you.
else411 else411 7 years
if he did the same thing would you be OK with it. If yes then let it go, if not own up to his feelings and let him know you're sorry you broke that promise. I think it's a weird promise to make- no dancing with any men even, non contact goofy dancing, but if it's important in the relationship than you have to keep the promise. Good luck
else411 else411 7 years
if he did the same thing would you be OK with it. If yes then let it go, if not own up to his feelings and let him know you're sorry you broke that promise. I think it's a weird promise to make- no dancing with any men even, non contact goofy dancing, but if it's important in the relationship than you have to keep the promise. Good luck
MonaNomura MonaNomura 7 years
Is regaining your man's trust then going out an option?
jaxon jaxon 7 years
My first question is How old is this guy? I would assume over 21 because you mentioned buying drinks. He sounds really immature... and kinda of pathetic. Sorry to say it. You should def not feel guilty. Actively searching for men to dance, flirt and buy you drinks would be wrong. But if someone starts to dance with you and you are goofing around NBD and ur BF has major issues to workout if he want a grownup healthy relationship. Snide remarks are NEVER okay. Let him know if he has a real opinion that he wants to express like an adult you'd be glad to listen, otherwise growup and knock it off
jaxon jaxon 7 years
My first question is How old is this guy?I would assume over 21 because you mentioned buying drinks. He sounds really immature... and kinda of pathetic. Sorry to say it. You should def not feel guilty. Actively searching for men to dance, flirt and buy you drinks would be wrong. But if someone starts to dance with you and you are goofing around NBD and ur BF has major issues to workout if he want a grownup healthy relationship.Snide remarks are NEVER okay. Let him know if he has a real opinion that he wants to express like an adult you'd be glad to listen, otherwise growup and knock it off
TidalWave TidalWave 7 years
Yeah that is what it comes down to. Dancing is fine! There is a line, of course. Where is the line? Are you doing anything with another guy that you wouldn't want your boyfriend to do with another girl? That is the line. He sounds extremely insecure.
TidalWave TidalWave 7 years
Yeah that is what it comes down to. Dancing is fine! There is a line, of course. Where is the line? Are you doing anything with another guy that you wouldn't want your boyfriend to do with another girl? That is the line. He sounds extremely insecure.
Le-Luxe Le-Luxe 7 years
GIVE ME A BREAK. Its not like your sleeping around! Its stupid dancing!! ugh.... Tell your man to get a life.
Indigo4320 Indigo4320 7 years
You should definitely be forgiven. If you both agree that dancing with the opposite sex is off-limits, then make sure it doesn't happen again in the future. This particular situation was innocent and probably something if he were there he'd know that. He does sound insecure, but you stated you wouldn't want him buying girls drinks when he is out...so it's apparent you are in sync on this.I wouldn't want my boyfriend dancing with any other girl but me...and I don't think he'd care for me dancing with other guys. Fortunately we've never had an issue with this.
Indigo4320 Indigo4320 7 years
You should definitely be forgiven. If you both agree that dancing with the opposite sex is off-limits, then make sure it doesn't happen again in the future. This particular situation was innocent and probably something if he were there he'd know that. He does sound insecure, but you stated you wouldn't want him buying girls drinks when he is out...so it's apparent you are in sync on this. I wouldn't want my boyfriend dancing with any other girl but me...and I don't think he'd care for me dancing with other guys. Fortunately we've never had an issue with this.
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