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Sunday Confessional: I Caught him in the Act and Didn't do Anything

Sunday Confessional: I Caught him in the Act and Didn't do Anything

My best friend has been dating a guy who none of her friends like for about three months now. He runs in our same circle and had a terrible reputation of being a total dog. Last summer he dated a mutual friend of all of ours and he ended up breaking her heart, so my best friend has been forewarned about him more than enough times.

Well, last weekend I was having dinner with my boyfriend and we ran into him leaving a bar with a random girl I had never seen before. I was in such shock that I didn't say anything, but my boyfriend said hi, they small talked for a bit, and then we left. On our way home, I couldn't stop talking about how disturbed I was that we just blatantly caught him on a date with another girl.

I asked my boyfriend what I was supposed to do and he said to keep my mouth shut, to stay out of it, that it was none of my business, so I didn't say anything. Well, now that almost a week has passed, I can't help but feel guilty that I wasn't honest with her. I would absolutely want to be told if I were in her shoes. Is keeping my mouth shut wrong after all?

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calli-gurl calli-gurl 7 years
u listened to ure bf rather than looking out for ure bestfriend? now thats messed up. totally unforgiven. but u can be forgiven if u tell her before its too late. if she already is in love with this guy, i blame u big time.
AmorFati AmorFati 8 years
This is a very hard decision to make. I've been there. I chose "Other" because I don't think it's an issue of forgiveness. It depends a lot on your friend, your relationship to her, and how sure you are that the boyfriend is cheating. You have already told her what you think and she has chosen not to listen. If you tell her what you saw, she may resent it that as she may see it, you're harping on the issue and running interference. But if you don't tell her, just from your perspective you risk having to tell her later that you saw the evidence and said nothing. For the record, it sounds pretty sure that the guy IS cheating, and I'd probably tell the friend even at risk of making her mad. But it might be best to tell once and then if you see further evidence of cheating, to let it go. And maybe you should refuse to gather further evidence, so that you can't be accused of running a paranoid campaign against the guy--tell yourself that if she doesn't listen, it's not your problem from now on. That is, if you can stand to. It's not your responsibility if she chooses not to see what is probably quite obvious to everyone but her. So, I'd only tell her in the knowledge that after discharging my duty she'd be on her own with this, but that's me.
AmorFati AmorFati 8 years
This is a very hard decision to make. I've been there. I chose "Other" because I don't think it's an issue of forgiveness. It depends a lot on your friend, your relationship to her, and how sure you are that the boyfriend is cheating. You have already told her what you think and she has chosen not to listen. If you tell her what you saw, she may resent it that as she may see it, you're harping on the issue and running interference. But if you don't tell her, just from your perspective you risk having to tell her later that you saw the evidence and said nothing. For the record, it sounds pretty sure that the guy IS cheating, and I'd probably tell the friend even at risk of making her mad. But it might be best to tell once and then if you see further evidence of cheating, to let it go. And maybe you should refuse to gather further evidence, so that you can't be accused of running a paranoid campaign against the guy--tell yourself that if she doesn't listen, it's not your problem from now on. That is, if you can stand to. It's not your responsibility if she chooses not to see what is probably quite obvious to everyone but her. So, I'd only tell her in the knowledge that after discharging my duty she'd be on her own with this, but that's me.
apsara1 apsara1 8 years
I like Bonne's response.
brittany8 brittany8 8 years
i've been in a situation like this. from what i've experienced, telling her usually leads to a fight. the guy will deny it, and she'll want to believe him. it's a tough call, but if you guys are really close, hopefully she'll believe you and know that you're trying to help.
sarah-lynn sarah-lynn 8 years
even if you did tell her, would she do anything with that information? she's already been forwarned, and it didn't stop her before...
quietone84 quietone84 8 years
It all depends on your impression of whether or not she wants to be told. I'm not sure how one finds that out - if you go and ask, she'll get suspicious; but maybe because of his past behavior, it'll seem like a reasonable question.
Mantis Mantis 8 years
Did you caught him having dinner or sex? You just saw him leaving a bar, you can´t go tell her he was cheating. I learned from experience that you should stay out of couples issues. What you could do is mention you came across him in a bar, without implying anything else.
redphoe redphoe 8 years
I don't see any trouble with what you did. Firstly, you seem to be jumping to conclusions. Just because he was coming out of a bar with a girl doesn't mean he was on a date. By not telling your friend you might have saved her from a massive unecessary upset, and possibly the destruction of her relationship. How would you have felt if that were the case? Also, you've warned her about him enough from the sounds of things. You've done your duty as a friend, and I think your boyfriend is bang on the money: leave it alone. It is no longer any of your business (whether it was is debateable at best). So definately you've made the right decision.
redphoe redphoe 8 years
I don't see any trouble with what you did.Firstly, you seem to be jumping to conclusions. Just because he was coming out of a bar with a girl doesn't mean he was on a date. By not telling your friend you might have saved her from a massive unecessary upset, and possibly the destruction of her relationship. How would you have felt if that were the case?Also, you've warned her about him enough from the sounds of things. You've done your duty as a friend, and I think your boyfriend is bang on the money: leave it alone. It is no longer any of your business (whether it was is debateable at best). So definately you've made the right decision.
JuJuSugar JuJuSugar 8 years
I think there are some times in situation where you should hold back and not butt into other people's affairs. But sorry, I really don't think this is one of them. It's your best friend after all and personally, you don't want to see her hurt (and she will be hurt eventually when she realises what a cheat her bf is). Think of the long term though - it's really for her own good that she knows now, even though she may be angry with you and there will bring up problems in her relationship with her bf. As everyone's said, it's her own choice what to do afterwards. She may even choose to stay with him but at least give her the choice to decide whether to stay with him or leave him.
JuJuSugar JuJuSugar 8 years
I think there are some times in situation where you should hold back and not butt into other people's affairs.But sorry, I really don't think this is one of them.It's your best friend after all and personally, you don't want to see her hurt (and she will be hurt eventually when she realises what a cheat her bf is). Think of the long term though - it's really for her own good that she knows now, even though she may be angry with you and there will bring up problems in her relationship with her bf.As everyone's said, it's her own choice what to do afterwards. She may even choose to stay with him but at least give her the choice to decide whether to stay with him or leave him.
jaxon jaxon 8 years
This is your best friend tell her and let her do with the info what she will. guys are stupid don't listen to the BF. Just tell her and then let the matter drop. you've done your duty as a friend after that
Litew8lady Litew8lady 8 years
OMG, you better tell your friend
loveflyleaf loveflyleaf 8 years
I think that you should tell her what you saw. You would probably want her to do the same for you right? I mean it's not going to be the easiest thing at all but it'll be worth it in the end. Just be careful on how you approach her about it...you don't want her to get defensive and flip out on you.
SugarCookies SugarCookies 8 years
"Keep your mouth shut, and stay out of it, that is none of your business" I really hope those were not the words he said to you. Anyways, This is supposed to be your BEST friend, So yes it is your business and you should have told her what you saw. She has been warned however you actually saw it. As her friend, it's your obligation to let her know. And just like you said, if you were her, you would want to be told. It's a common courtesy and if you don't look out for our friends, who will? That is part of a good friendship!
theboyslover theboyslover 8 years
I did the same thing to my best friend. She was seeing a really jealous guy who obsessed over her every move. Well when we were back from college my sister saw him at the club hugged up with another female. My sis told me and I was pissed! I said I would tell my BFF right away and she told me not to because she didn't believe my BFF would believe me. My sister was in a similar situation and her and her BFF ended up getting in a fist fight over it because her BFF didn't believe that her boyfriend was cheating. Well, I guess she figured it out when he got another girl pregnant, oops! Well she eventually apologized to my sis but they really haven't been good friends just associates ever since. I didn't want that to happen to us. It's been 2 years, they broke up early last year and she's moved on so I guess I'll let her know over tea 10 years from now when we're both married.
SugarFreak SugarFreak 8 years
I said NOT FORGIVE. If she was an acquaintance or just a casual friend, then it's tricky to gauge what her reaction would be and you may not want to get involved in the whole mess. BUT, this is supposed to be your BEST friend. If your best friend doesn't tell you these sort of things, then who would?
barjar1122 barjar1122 8 years
If you dont want to tell her, ask her who he was the girl he was with when you and your man saw him?
sw2190 sw2190 8 years
I would suggest doing what your gut instinct tells you, If you say yourself you would like to be told then I would have a talk with her, however dont be too forward with it bring up the point, perhaps she knew he was going out witha nother girl (a friend of his perhaps) if he did cheat then shed be grateful for your honesty, explain to your boyfriend that if you were her youd wish to be told, its not completely none of your business becasue she is your friend an want to help her.
noelleteresa noelleteresa 8 years
for the love of christ! tell her!
reese05 reese05 8 years
She's your friend, you should tell her. it's not yet too late to do the right thing!
paulinhadrp paulinhadrp 8 years
She needs to know...I would hate it if any of my friends keep such a thing from me. She is being played, she will catch him one day, but it might be too late and she might be too emotionally attached to him. They've only been together for 3 months, so it is better to tell her now.
paulinhadrp paulinhadrp 8 years
She needs to know... I would hate it if any of my friends keep such a thing from me. She is being played, she will catch him one day, but it might be too late and she might be too emotionally attached to him. They've only been together for 3 months, so it is better to tell her now.
tralala2 tralala2 9 years
TELL YOUR FRIEND!!! And then talk to your boyfriend about what he would have done had his best friend caught you cheating? Men need to learn empathy!!!
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