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Sunday Confessional: I Have Feelings For My Best Friend's Boyfriend

Sunday Confessional: I Have Feelings For My Best Friend's Boyfriend

I've been close with my best friend for nearly eight years. We were roommates in our freshman year of college, and have been practically inseparable ever since. About a year ago she started dating a guy whom we met through a friend of mine. At the time we both had a goofy crush on him, and when they started dating I was happy for her. But as their relationship developed, my feelings for him only grew. We all spend a lot of time together, and I've come to know him really well. I won't go into all the reasons why I feel such a connection with him, but my feelings are incredibly strong. It's gotten to the point where I can't be around them together without experiencing a lot of frustration and sadness.

On the one hand, I'm glad my friend's happy, but on the other, I wish it was me. Though I would never compromise my friendship or their relationship by acting on my emotions, I still feel incredibly guilty for spending so much time thinking about my best friend's man, and even worse, secretly wishing things wouldn't work out for them. Can I be forgiven for these inappropriate feelings?

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HollyJRockNRoll HollyJRockNRoll 5 years
This is sort of understandable because you liked him before he was dating your friend, BUT he is dating your friend now, so be a friend and STOP lusting. Stop hanging out with them all the time, date other people, etc. You don't want to become one of those women who want only those they cannot have.
calli-gurl calli-gurl 7 years
you suck! lol. harsh, but the truth. if u liked him, you shouldve asked him out first. but u didnt make any move and now ure wishing that they dont work out so that u`d have a shot? wtf woman! dont 8 years mean anything to u? move on. stop being a selfish bitch. it would be another story if u were in love with him or something BEFORE she started going out with him but u only started liking him that way (u just had a crush before) after she started going out with him. i wouldnt wish a friend like u for anyone. u dont even deserve her, or him for that matter.
kh61582 kh61582 7 years
So far there's nothing to forgive or not forgive. You can't help your feelings however you insinuate that if things didn't work out with them then you'd try to make things work between the two of you and that I don't think is forgivable. You should never dates your friends ex. That always works out badly.
g1amourpuss g1amourpuss 7 years
Maybe I should be <i>really</i> ignorant and think that she is Dull-Eyed around him then, lol... especially when she says: <i> "wishing things wouldn't work out for them"</i> like it's not wanting to ruin her friend's relationship ...or something. And also, you are wrong in believing that I think her 'situation' is completely like mine (when I'm offering up scenarios that might be going on in her head), because trust me .. (I didn't post everything and) It Isn't.
g1amourpuss g1amourpuss 7 years
Maybe I should be really ignorant and think that she is Dull-Eyed around him then, lol... especially when she says: "wishing things wouldn't work out for them" like it's not wanting to ruin her friend's relationship ...or something. And also, you are wrong in believing that I think her 'situation' is completely like mine (when I'm offering up scenarios that might be going on in her head), because trust me .. (I didn't post everything and) It Isn't.
Deanern Deanern 7 years
g1amourpuss- I think you're being really ignorant by assuming everyone's situation is like yours. I think it's perfectly possible to crush on someone without making it at all obvious, especially if you're intelligent and considerate of your friend and really don't want to be found out. It sounds like your friend is a desperate and pathetic idiot, but not everyone is like that. Why do you think she's necessarily "Bright eyed" or acting like she likes her friend's man? It sounds like you're just a little over-emotional about your own situation and are trying to prove something to everyone here about how your man would never want to get with your "friend", when in reality this isn't about you and the girl who wrote this post isn't necessarily like your loser friend. I really don't think there is anything wrong with feeling a certain way, as long as you don't act on it. Of course you can try and get over it, but you can't deny those initial feelings. It's obvious this girl doesn't want to ruin anyone's relationship, and that should say enough about her character. It's not like she would lie to everyone on this site so they can give her advice on a fake situation.
Deanern Deanern 7 years
g1amourpuss- I think you're being really ignorant by assuming everyone's situation is like yours. I think it's perfectly possible to crush on someone without making it at all obvious, especially if you're intelligent and considerate of your friend and really don't want to be found out. It sounds like your friend is a desperate and pathetic idiot, but not everyone is like that. Why do you think she's necessarily "Bright eyed" or acting like she likes her friend's man? It sounds like you're just a little over-emotional about your own situation and are trying to prove something to everyone here about how your man would never want to get with your "friend", when in reality this isn't about you and the girl who wrote this post isn't necessarily like your loser friend. I really don't think there is anything wrong with feeling a certain way, as long as you don't act on it. Of course you can try and get over it, but you can't deny those initial feelings. It's obvious this girl doesn't want to ruin anyone's relationship, and that should say enough about her character. It's not like she would lie to everyone on this site so they can give her advice on a fake situation.
g1amourpuss g1amourpuss 7 years
<i>"i really think dwelling on certain thoughts is a way of trying to come up with making thoughts reality. and i don't think that's right. everyone here is saying you can't help your emotions, but believe that we are in control of everything, even our emotions, eventually."</i>I agree, alexask ...I know I probably came across strong in my comment yesterday (And maybe it IS because I forgive my friend for not being able to control her feelings.. I just don't say anything.. even though he would never do her in a million years [and yes, she has tried at one time..]).. but it's like --Sometimes I really do think she sits around fabricating some fantasy life about him. I mean, she always goes on about how he knows all these people that she knows that he really doesn't know, LOL.. and I don't understand that. I don't know why she insists on something that isn't real. Or how she tells me that he and her like the same music, when she REALLY doesn't know what kind of music he likes. Like really! (And what really gets me is the times that she has left his DJ sets with my other flaming friend, both saying how the music "sucked". I'm like how can she not remember all of this?) ...or when I'm on the phone with her and she hears his voice and she's like Is that ....? And I'm like yes..? But she swears that doesn't sound like him.. That's because he wasn't using his DJ microphone voice, duh! Lol.. it's like she has this IDEA of who he is from the club. And that's only like 2% of what a wonderful (devoted) person that he is.But yeah, and then she always tells me dorky things for him to laugh at and half the time he is like "Why would I care?" .. And it's even harder for me to make up something to act like he gives a sh!t. I just feel sorry for her because I can't tell her these things. And it's even gotten to the point to where she'll stoop so low to say things like her bf hates my hair?! Why would I care about those kinds of things when I don't even know him either and I'm not in a relationship with him.. LOL. At least My Man loves my hair - and that's why I make some of the choices I do in my life to keep my man happy, not her or her man. (Which I don't even think he said that.)I try to put my space there, but sometimes I think she only comes around because of him (and she's so blind to see he hides from her).. I mean, when she comes over she's all trying to look in the windows if I have her outside (because he doesn't like her in the house because she's so up on him)...but when I look at her in her car she's all staring at the windows to see if he's looking out at her. It's so silly.And for the most part, there are some women that I'm just not jealous of.. it gets so tiresome. I mean, quite honestly: the girl that wrote this about her best friend is kidding herself if she thinks her Good Friend doesn't know about her huge crush on her boyfriend. Does she really think that her friend doesn't know when she gets all bright-eyed around him? ...it's just so wrong to be sad about what her friend has with this man. Her friend probably works hard for it.And then, the main thing is that, he didn't pick her. We can't control our emotions.. I'm not going to sit her and say that I've never liked any of my gfs bfs.. Even my friends guy is kind of cute, but I could never waste my time on something that isn't real. I just don't get why she and I guess this girl don't get it or see the real reality. I have even told my husband before, if you want to talk to her you can. If you want to do her (back then at the time) go ahead. There are other men/women out there to give real love if it isn't really there. And in my case, and apparently her friends: it is there/here. Sometimes it's just best to try to put more space where it's needed. I think many times in my life I keep growing further and further away from the fantasy world that people around me are living. That or I am finally seeing certain people's reality.
g1amourpuss g1amourpuss 7 years
"i really think dwelling on certain thoughts is a way of trying to come up with making thoughts reality. and i don't think that's right. everyone here is saying you can't help your emotions, but believe that we are in control of everything, even our emotions, eventually." I agree, alexask ...I know I probably came across strong in my comment yesterday (And maybe it IS because I forgive my friend for not being able to control her feelings.. I just don't say anything.. even though he would never do her in a million years [and yes, she has tried at one time..]).. but it's like -- Sometimes I really do think she sits around fabricating some fantasy life about him. I mean, she always goes on about how he knows all these people that she knows that he really doesn't know, LOL.. and I don't understand that. I don't know why she insists on something that isn't real. Or how she tells me that he and her like the same music, when she REALLY doesn't know what kind of music he likes. Like really! (And what really gets me is the times that she has left his DJ sets with my other flaming friend, both saying how the music "sucked". I'm like how can she not remember all of this?) ...or when I'm on the phone with her and she hears his voice and she's like Is that ....? And I'm like yes..? But she swears that doesn't sound like him.. That's because he wasn't using his DJ microphone voice, duh! Lol.. it's like she has this IDEA of who he is from the club. And that's only like 2% of what a wonderful (devoted) person that he is. But yeah, and then she always tells me dorky things for him to laugh at and half the time he is like "Why would I care?" .. And it's even harder for me to make up something to act like he gives a sh!t. I just feel sorry for her because I can't tell her these things. And it's even gotten to the point to where she'll stoop so low to say things like her bf hates my hair?! Why would I care about those kinds of things when I don't even know him either and I'm not in a relationship with him.. LOL. At least My Man loves my hair - and that's why I make some of the choices I do in my life to keep my man happy, not her or her man. (Which I don't even think he said that.) I try to put my space there, but sometimes I think she only comes around because of him (and she's so blind to see he hides from her).. I mean, when she comes over she's all trying to look in the windows if I have her outside (because he doesn't like her in the house because she's so up on him)...but when I look at her in her car she's all staring at the windows to see if he's looking out at her. It's so silly. And for the most part, there are some women that I'm just not jealous of.. it gets so tiresome. I mean, quite honestly: the girl that wrote this about her best friend is kidding herself if she thinks her Good Friend doesn't know about her huge crush on her boyfriend. Does she really think that her friend doesn't know when she gets all bright-eyed around him? ...it's just so wrong to be sad about what her friend has with this man. Her friend probably works hard for it. And then, the main thing is that, he didn't pick her. We can't control our emotions.. I'm not going to sit her and say that I've never liked any of my gfs bfs.. Even my friends guy is kind of cute, but I could never waste my time on something that isn't real. I just don't get why she and I guess this girl don't get it or see the real reality. I have even told my husband before, if you want to talk to her you can. If you want to do her (back then at the time) go ahead. There are other men/women out there to give real love if it isn't really there. And in my case, and apparently her friends: it is there/here. Sometimes it's just best to try to put more space where it's needed. I think many times in my life I keep growing further and further away from the fantasy world that people around me are living. That or I am finally seeing certain people's reality.
alexask alexask 7 years
i said not forgive. not beatdown and hate, but not forgive. because, there are a jillion people in this world, and i think if you are so close to your best friend, you could take more time to look at all the other jillion minus 2 people in the world. i really think dwelling on certain thoughts is a way of trying to come up with making thoughts reality. and i don't think that's right. everyone here is saying you can't help your emotions, but believe that we are in control of everything, even our emotions, eventually. that does suck though, i'm sorry. but look at the jillion - 2.
alexask alexask 7 years
i said not forgive. not beatdown and hate, but not forgive. because, there are a jillion people in this world, and i think if you are so close to your best friend, you could take more time to look at all the other jillion minus 2 people in the world. i really think dwelling on certain thoughts is a way of trying to come up with making thoughts reality. and i don't think that's right. everyone here is saying you can't help your emotions, but believe that we are in control of everything, even our emotions, eventually. that does suck though, i'm sorry. but look at the jillion - 2.
bransugar79 bransugar79 7 years
I said forgive but it seems like you could use some distance. I don't think things are going to get any better for you if you keep putting yourself in the position to have to avoid your feelings. Something could happen that you don't want. Maybe get out on your own more and then you can gain perspective. This guy may be great but he's obviously not the one for you if he and your friend are happy. There's someone just as good waiting for you.
Ikandy Ikandy 7 years
I think that maybe u should stop hanging around the both of them, hang with ur best friend without him...I know its hard to ignore such strong feelings...I'm sure u'll b able to find a cute distraction in no time!
Ikandy Ikandy 7 years
I think that maybe u should stop hanging around the both of them, hang with ur best friend without him... I know its hard to ignore such strong feelings...I'm sure u'll b able to find a cute distraction in no time!
designerel designerel 7 years
I say good for you for not acting on your feelings. But you need to find a new guy pronto, and stop hoping that your friend and this guy break up. You should be happy for her! Seriously... the best medicine is to find a guy of your own. Strike up a conversation at the store or something, you don't exactly have to go out to bars seeking some booty.
Le-Luxe Le-Luxe 7 years
Get over it and find your own guy. I think you need to realize that you can never be with him. even if they do break up, that would be a mean thing to do to your friend to end up being with him. You will find your own prince! Don't worry :)
Greentea1203 Greentea1203 7 years
Just don't act on it. You would lose a friend and guys will come and go.
TheEnchantedOne TheEnchantedOne 7 years
Forgive. Because..1. You're not acting on it (the feelings you have for your bf's guy).2. All people have not so nice thoughts all the time, the important thing is they remain as that - "thoughts". Keep a conscious effort to clean your thoughts once in a while. Heehee. 3. You're aware of you're feelings and that they're wrong and that you wouldn't do anything to hurt your friend and her relationship with the guy. Get a life. And I don't mean it in a condescending way! No! What I mean is, get out, explore, mingle! You never know.. the guy you're bound to be with might just be waiting 'round the corner ;)
TheEnchantedOne TheEnchantedOne 7 years
Forgive. Because.. 1. You're not acting on it (the feelings you have for your bf's guy). 2. All people have not so nice thoughts all the time, the important thing is they remain as that - "thoughts". Keep a conscious effort to clean your thoughts once in a while. Heehee. 3. You're aware of you're feelings and that they're wrong and that you wouldn't do anything to hurt your friend and her relationship with the guy. Get a life. And I don't mean it in a condescending way! No! What I mean is, get out, explore, mingle! You never know.. the guy you're bound to be with might just be waiting 'round the corner ;)
xoxoxx xoxoxx 7 years
man, some chicks are a bit judgmental. sounds like some of you posted here without even reading the girl's situation...christ.anyways.this has happened to me, but I was the girl that got the guy. I felt bad for my friend, because I almost felt as if I stole him from her. but she took it in stride, and moved on. its good that you haven't tried to sabotage or ruin their relationship in any way...I respect that. its time for you to get out and find a man you can call your own, though. besides, double dates could be fun. ;D
xoxoxx xoxoxx 7 years
man, some chicks are a bit judgmental. sounds like some of you posted here without even reading the girl's situation...christ. anyways. this has happened to me, but I was the girl that got the guy. I felt bad for my friend, because I almost felt as if I stole him from her. but she took it in stride, and moved on. its good that you haven't tried to sabotage or ruin their relationship in any way...I respect that. its time for you to get out and find a man you can call your own, though. besides, double dates could be fun. ;D
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 7 years
Forgive.Incidently, unreturned love sucks, doesn't it??
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 7 years
Forgive. Incidently, unreturned love sucks, doesn't it??
DecemberBaby DecemberBaby 7 years
Forgive. This has happened to me on more than one occaision. I never acted on my feelings of course I think that it's not unusual for women who are close friends and have so much in common to have the same taste in men. Now I don't know that's the case with you but that's what it usually is for me. As long as you don't do put the moves on the guy then it's fine. I mean you can never chose who you like. It just happens.
g1amourpuss g1amourpuss 7 years
Now see, you're just a bunch of things I'm not going to type out on here.I have a friend that talks about my husband every time I talk to her or see her and it gets SO old -- especially when I can't tell her she annoys the hell out of him. He thinks she's loud and obnoxious and doesn't like me to have her over. She is always telling me things to tell him and he's always like Wtf!?! I don't even know her. It gets OLD.You should be ashamed of yourself wanting what is HERS. Get your own man and stop being so jealous and childish. I can't stand it when people are so envious of what ISN'T theirs. It's like, you only live once..so if you want something like she has go out and find something for yourself to call your own.
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