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Sunday Confessional: I Kept My Dishes

Dear Sugar

I have just turned 36. I finally got engaged after dating a man for two years and thought that I had it all. Ever since my older sister got married over a decade ago I have been looking forward to registering, especially for China. I have coveted a very special light blue floral Wedgwood pattern and can't even believe that I have my very own set now!

The sad part about this story, is that around three and a half months ago I found out that my fiance cheated on me. I guess I could have forgiven him, but there was something in the back of my mind that wasn't quite right with us, and so I used this as my out and called off our engagement.

Although I am sad to have lost him, I think that I saved myself from making a huge mistake that could have turned into an even bigger mess if we actually went through with the marriage. What really stinks is that not only does the dream of your future go up in flames, you lose your friend and lover, but you also have to deal with returning all of the wedding and engagement gifts.

I gave myself two weeks to sob and mourn and then I diligently sent every single present back to their rightful owners. Well, I guess that's not entirely true; I sent everything back except for one set if items...my precious dishes. I basically just ignored the people that gave them to us and since they were mostly from his side of the family, I doubt I'll ever see them again anyway. I know it's wrong but I've longed to own this gorgeous pattern for ten years now. Can what I've done be forgiven?

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shortashley shortashley 8 years
I say forgive, but why would you want to keep anything that might remind you of what he did to you?
onesong onesong 8 years
pollyanna, i love that idea. honey, no dishes are worth tainting your karma like this. my recommendation is to do what my mom and her best friend--and what my best friend and i are about to start doing-do. every year, on each other's birthday and on christmas, we each buy each other an item off the list. it's taken a while, but my mom and her friend each has a full place setting for 8 people of tiffany's christmas china. give back the dishes, my dear, you're better than that!
peppermintpoot peppermintpoot 9 years
Good for you for being strong and standing up for yourself! Life is too short to have to live with cheating men. And life is too short to live without fabulous china!
Jazsama Jazsama 9 years
Dude, those dishes are tainted!!! I say, return 'em. Good Karma = meeting fresh new guy to marry. And fresh new china. Good Luck!
pollyanna pollyanna 9 years
I say sell the dishes and donate the money to a useful charity (in the names of the gift givers), in your area and send a note to the gift giver stating that you wanted to spare them the time and effort of returning the dishes. Send them a copy of the donation receipt, so they will have it for tax purposes and also so they know you are an honorable person. Thank them for the generosity and thoughtfulness that they showed you while you were engaged to their relative. Tell them that you appreciated all of their goodwill. smiles, Pollyanna
Daisy6264 Daisy6264 9 years
Do what makes you happy.
Polly Polly 9 years
You just sound tacky to me.
juliet juliet 9 years
Keep 'em, honey! and ps: what a jerk!
Regular_Lady Regular_Lady 9 years
Send 'em back.... Nonny Mouse is right: buy the dishes for yourself - one piece at a time - you'll feel better about it.
cubadog cubadog 9 years
I agree it is wrong that you are keeping the dishes just because you have always loved them. If you loved them so much why didn't you just buy them yourself. You broke it off EVERYTHING needs to go back. You need to do something for the people you screwed regardless of whose side of the family they are from.
nicachica nicachica 9 years
why not just compensate the gift givers for the price of the china? That way, you get to keep your precious china and they get compensated fairly. I voted to forgive but I'd add that you also need to make amends to clear your conscience. Frankly, i'm not sure why you're so hung up on a set of dishes but i guess we all have those dream items.
jennifer76 jennifer76 9 years
Not sure why you broke up. He thinks its ok to hook up with other girls because he *wants* them and you think its ok to steal dishes because you *want* them. Sounds like a perfect match.
bluejeanie bluejeanie 9 years
i forgive you, but returning the dishes would have been the right thing to do. you never know when you could run into those would-be in-laws and how it could effect you in the future.
M155-J4CK13 M155-J4CK13 9 years
I, personally, would have kept EVERYTHING. Muahahaha.
gossipqueen gossipqueen 9 years
LOL, I forgive you! They are from HIS side...so who cares??? is not like you'll see them again and if you do...you can pretend you have no clue who they are or what are they talking about...lol..at least you returned all the others!
angelbaby2 angelbaby2 9 years
I mean "were" LOL
yrschatool yrschatool 9 years
he cheats and you steal. well they do say that water finds it's own level.
angelbaby2 angelbaby2 9 years
forget the dishes-forget the guy-where you getting married to the guy or to the dishes? Return them and buy them for yourself, if you like them that much
Froggee285 Froggee285 9 years
I totally forgive you and don't think you have to return the dishes. The comment that said the family of your ex will think you are rude and that he was better off? That is such B.S. They all know the reason for the breakup...his cheating ways...so any family memeber in their right mind would see him as the jerk. And if they tell eachother, oh I can't believe she never returned the gift, who cares. If they were that adament they would call you up, which they won't. And on that other comment, you'll always remember him...well no shit, of course you'll always remember him, what, you think you'll get amnesia and forget the cheating fiance that you almost married? You got a nice set of dishes out of him. His whole family thinks he's a jerk. There's no way on earth they can't, he Cheated on his fiance. If my uncle, or cousin did that, we'd forgive him, but talk about it for years. (My uncle dated a woman who broke up with him and got together with my other uncle...and married him...they are all on speaking terms but we all think she's a slut) You have been wanting this particular set for years. The scumbag showed his true colors and you got rid of him when you still could. I say you keep the dishes, don't feel guilty, and go on with your life. I'm sure you'll meet a better guy, marry him, and have lots of family parties using these pretty dishes.
a-nonny-mouse a-nonny-mouse 9 years
I'm sorry he cheated on you. It makes me so sad when people do that. :( It isn't right to keep the china set (you already know this), but I would forgive you anyway (just because -- ((shrugs)) -- I tend to forgive that sort of thing). But Valeri is spot-on: That china set will become a fixed symbol of your former fiance's infidelity and the broken engagement. (Do you really want to give Former-Boy that kind of authority? Hasn't he hurt you enough? Feelings of devastation and loss will be inextricably associated with your beloved dinnerware. Doesn't sound very pleasant.) Consider returning the gift set; then, go purchase a set for yourself (free and clear, as a symbol of independence and self-worth). You'll feel so much better about the whole thing and your integrity won't take a hit. Just think -- when you serve dinner to your next boyfriend on the china *you* bought, you will avoid an embarrassing discussion on HOW you acquired such a fancy set.
hazel_eyes_smile hazel_eyes_smile 9 years
I think it would be best to return the dishes. Firstly, they're a reminder of your ex, and secondly, you're making these gift-givers pay for HIS mistake. They gave you (and your ex) a gift in good will, towards your happiness and you've repaid them by keeping the dishes, even though you know the right thing to do would be to return them. Naughty naughty!
BeachBarbie BeachBarbie 9 years
Everyone knows basic wedding etiquette guidelines say, when a wedding is called off, all gifts should be returned unused. I forgive you but, I think you know as well as I do, it is wrong to keep the wedding gifts. Personally, I could never do what you did, but that is how I am, and was raised. I wish you the best of luck. Do the right thing, and return the china.
t0xxic t0xxic 9 years
Gifts are gifts. IMO you dont have to give anything back an its a slight consolation for the torture he just put u thru by cheating on you, if his famil had raised him better then this wouldnt be a problem. Enjoy your china hun and kisses -------------------- -------------------- Watch us play secret santa, and every tuesday fab find for our wishlist!
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
couple of thoughts. 1- the people who gave you the china are thinking you are rude and that it's probably best the groom didn't end up with you. they wished you well with an expensive gift in your married life TOGETHER. 2-every time you eat off this china he will be there with you. a little reminder of the guy that screwed around on you even after he had said you were the only one for him. those 2 things would be enough to makes me lose my appetite. it's childish to think it's okay to keep a gift just because you wanted it without regard to the circumstances the gift was given under. i say not forgive and think it's terrible that the china has more meaning to you than your integrity. you know this is wrong or you wouldn't be asking. sounds like you have some growing up to do before taking the very grownup step of getting married.
LaylaCams LaylaCams 9 years
Well, you are better than me because I probably would have kept ALL the presents. :)
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