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Sunday Confessional: I Made Her an Online Dating Profile, Without Permission

For the past year, my good friend has been going on and on about how she never meets guys and how she's doomed to be alone forever — she's only 26! She's a cute woman who's smart and successful, but she refuses to really put herself out there. Throughout numerous conversations, I've explained to her how to approach guys and talk to them — I'm single too — but she refuses to try and then just complains!

On top of being depressed about her non-existent romantic life, she tends to be jealous of our other friends in relationships, or the single ones who are having dating success. I know the feeling of loneliness that comes from thinking everyone else is happy in love, but at this point it's hard for me to be sympathetic. Outside of these complaints she really is an amazing person, and a true friend, but I hit my limit. So out of desperation, a few weeks ago, I signed her up for a reputable online dating site without telling her. Her profile ended up getting a lot of interest.

Pretending to be her, I started emailing with my top picks and narrowed it down to three guys who I thought would be great for her. Obviously they all wanted to meet up with her in person, so I had to tell her what I'd done. At that point, I figured she'd be so excited about the dates that she wouldn't be upset. Well, I was wrong; now she claims I'm not the good friend she thought I was and is ignoring my phone calls. I feel like she's completely overreacting, but our other friends are divided and it's creating a huge problem in our group. I really was just trying to make something happen for her, which she said she wanted. Shouldn't I be forgiven?

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calli-gurl calli-gurl 7 years
your heart was at a good place but only, u did it wrong. online dating isnt something a lot of people are up for. i voted forgive but u really shouldve asked her before setting up that page. its something different to get her a date and getting her a date via internet. i personally would hate it but forgive her eventually. because i wouldnt go for online dating, at ALL. so you should apologize to her and tell her that u did what u did not because u wanted to embarrass her or anything, but u did it because u wanted whats best for her.
Beastiegirl5 Beastiegirl5 7 years
Wow. Lenient people here. Okay, good friends listen. They tell their friends hard truths when they need to suck it up and either do something or stop complaining. They don't go behind their back and do something so...controlling and manipulative. Something appears to be holding this person back from dating. Self-esteem? Her heart's still broken? She's on the brink because she's talking about it all the time, but for some reason, she's not quite ready. The best thing would be to get her into situations (like parties) where she can meet guys, and so on, but leave it up to her. Creating a profile for her, hand-selecting men for her...wow. I think you had good intentions at first, but you went way, way overboard, and you seem to see no problem with it. I voted not forgive. Instead of trying to get her to open up as to why she's so afraid to date, you stampeded past your duty as a friend and took the easy way out- you went online and found some men for her to make her shut up. Or at least, that's how it probably looks to her. Write her a letter apologizing for upsetting her and explaining that what you did was kindly meant. Tell her that you think she's fantastic, and you want to see her happy. And most importantly, tell her that if she feels the need, she can come to you to talk. If she still feels she can trust you to listen.
htt3h2e htt3h2e 7 years
I know you're trying to be a good friend but try to be in her shoes. Personally, i've tried online dating, but i would never admit it to people since a lot of them think it's for desperate people. Your friend probably thinks the same thing. One way to get on her good side is to show her the comments guys have left on her profile. I remember it was a big boost for my self confidence. So even though she won't try online dating, maybe she'll have more confidence to put herself out there in other ways.
EricaJane EricaJane 7 years
Forgive!! I wish I had friends who cared enough about me to do something like this. Thankfully my BFF is my husband. She'll get over it.
smp7328 smp7328 7 years
I HATE when people try to set me up, so I can totally understand the situation. But if she is always complaining about it, I can understand why you did what you did. I say forgive, BUT I would also forgive her if she chose not to go on dates with any of the guys and if she asked you to close down her profile. I do think it is a bit much to ignore you. Hopefully she will see that you were just trying to help her out.
designerel designerel 7 years
I would forgive you if I were the friend. I think HeidiMD was right... she was just embarrassed that you felt compelled to set up a profile, she thought you were pitying her. Well, if she keeps whining about being single, what does she expect? I think your intentions were good and you seemed to put a lot of effort into finding guys that you thought your friend would like.
itsme3683 itsme3683 7 years
I agree with rickimc... I think that signing her up for one would have been fine, like the fees were a gift. But I think emailing them for her was a bad idea because now if she does ever meet them, she doesn't know what her relationship with them is. It's not fair for her to have to research what you said to them pretending to be her before her date, and even if you know her really well, you still might've mislead the prospects just because you aren't her. I mean, the whole thing is a little shady, really, so I'm undecided.
rickimc rickimc 7 years
The emailing the guys was probably going a little far, but she should forgive you. My mom signed me up for an online dating service, and now I am marrying the guy I met!
j2e1n9 j2e1n9 7 years
Aw, you are a really good friend to still try to help her even tho she acts so miserable all the time!
ohkate ohkate 7 years
she needed that push even though she didn't know it. her initial anger is understandable but should fizzle out in the realization that she really needs to stop being a little b*tch about it and just get in the game. don't complain unless you're ready to act/change.
lilCROAT03 lilCROAT03 7 years
totally forgive. you're a dedicated friend to a friend who won't help themselves as agnt99 said.
agnt99 agnt99 7 years
Forgive. I think we have the same friend, I know exactly how you feel and what compelled you to do this. Some people just don't want to be helped. The victim role suits them so well and they identify with it so completely, they can't risk being successful and happy because they wouldn't know what to do with it. I give her advice and she ignores it. I give her constructive criticisim and she argues. I tried to get her to do a makeover so she wouldn't be so dowdy and she won't because men should like her for "her", nevermind that men are attracted to bright shiny objects AND if a woman looks good, she feels good. We go out and men ask her to dance and she refuses. She says she admires me, but she's catty and envious of my relationship. I did the online dating thing for 3 years and then met a fabulous guy through my work. He was attracted to my "positive energy". Really, some people you just can't help. They know what to do if they want things different.
annebreal annebreal 7 years
I say not forgive because you don't seem at all sorry to me. I wouldn't forgive someone if they weren't remorseful! Seriously, if you get sick of her being a downer, just put distance between you and hang out with other people in the "group" - every group of friends has that one negative or annoying person, and you can usually just avoid it. But c'mon, mind your own business and leave her out of it. And you went behind her back. There were a lot of alternatives, and I think you made a bad choice. Live and learn. But yeah, I think to be forgiven you need to be remorseful and apologize, to me it just sounds like you're sorry it's affecting your social life. Was it a horrible wrong? No. But you were still in the wrong.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 7 years
Serves her right. But i guess this also means that you're as involved in her love life as she seems to be. Nothing more annoying then someone who does nothing but whine. You're mistake was sitting there to hear about it. Hell, an even lesser friend would've admitted to doing this because she wont stfu!
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 7 years
Your heart was in the right place but you did cross the line. I would apologize, but not grovel. She'll probably come around eventually.
prada08 prada08 7 years
Oh please... my goodness ;) I feel that you were genuine.:) I placed you in the forgive category because you didn't trick her into meeting any of them. The men never showed on up her doorstep from the site. You never fooled her on going on a date with them blindly. "So harmless. Not a friendship breaker. " All you have to do is DELETE the profiles since she does not want to participate.:) Whew... it's the easiest command in technology to execute. Also, no personal information, like address and numbers or real names are used on those sites. Actually, if the emotions could just come down a notch. She may realized that you showed her another avenue of meeting men. Fine, so she disagreed. You were honest. I'm sure you apologized. Yes, you learned you crossed the line with your friend. But, good friends generally values the honesty in another. Step back for a moment from the entire situation. She will either realize she is over-reacting in regards to ending the friendsip entirely. Or, you will find new friends and never try this again on another friend; although you know you meant well. ;) Now, if she degrees. Okay. She disagrees.. let's move on. Life is a journey. On that journey with friends, there are funny stories to tell like this on. :) Good luck.
WhatTheFrockBlog WhatTheFrockBlog 7 years
I'd be PISSED if someone did this to me. I have no problem with the idea of online dating but I have a BIG problem with someone posting my personal info and photos without my permission, and pretending to be me while contacting strange men. I understand that you were just trying to be a good friend but I don't think I could forgive someone who betrayed my trust like that.
princess_eab princess_eab 7 years
Forgive... it sounds like you were trying to be a good friend. BUT this is a huge thing to do without her permission, so actually at this point I'd apologize to her and if she can't deal with it, well...
snowbunny11 snowbunny11 7 years
I don't know that this would be a friendship-ender to me, but is this even legal? You put information about her that she had intended to keep private in a very public domain; no matter how annoying she is, that just really isn't an appropriate thing to do. I mean, I disagree with licketysplit. Sure, the friend is a pain in the ass, but the solution would be to suggest a dating site, or stop talking to her and listening to her whine, not to totally violate her right to privacy.
ajennilynrushhh ajennilynrushhh 7 years
I agree with lickety split.
lickety-split lickety-split 7 years
she sounds like a big pain in the ass. forgive you, but don't run after this friendship. she's using you as a therapist but doesn't want a fix, she just wants to vent. boring. go on the date yourself. enjoy :)
girlnone girlnone 7 years
I'm sorry, but you really ought to mind your own business. I would be very upset if someone did this to me. If you truly had "hit your limit" with your friend's complaining, then perhaps you could have talked to her about it, but going behind her back in order to play cupid was way out of line. Accept that despite your good intentions, your friend is not pleased. Apologize, and go out and find yourself a date if you're so desperate to matchmake.
cubadog cubadog 7 years
I think it is great that you did it. She'll get over it to be honest I would love to have a friend write a profile for me I do not think I would do myself justice.
sundaygreen sundaygreen 7 years
Forgive, but you were a bit misguided on how to 'help' her. I would be MORTIFIED if any friend of mine ever did that to me. It sounds like a bad romantic comedy gone totally awry. I can understand getting peeved with the girl, but you probably should have done the online dating thing for yourself, shown her how great it is and then recommended it - instead of secretly foisting it upon her.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 7 years
Forgive. I think you meant well. However, your mistake was misinterpreting her venting as an invitation to take over her personal life. You crossed a boundary. Her personal/dating life is hers to manage, not yours to manage. So next time, stay out of it. You're single -- focus on YOUR personal life. Leave her's alone. :)
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